President Barack Hussein Obama was officially sworn in just moments ago to a mammoth crowd in Washington, D.C. Whether you voted for him, or not. Believe in his message of change, or remain apprehensive. A monumental moment in America’s history happened today that will be one for the history books.

Now, about my 401k….

Dedicated to the GDAB and my brother Josh for serving his country.

During the 2008 Election, Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt were good little gold-diggers and shilled for Sarah Palin. Well, here’s pics of Chins and Douchebeard giving President-elect Obama the love, in case any Republicans out there actually liked them based on their political views. I’m not trying to perpetuate any stereotypes with the following suggestion, but now would be a good time to load your guns. That said, anyone else surprised they’re not holding 40s?

Kim Kardashian voted yesterday in Beverly Hills and performed her patriotic duty by combining ample cleavage and democracy. Your country salutes you, Kim. In the meantime, she really let Barack Obama down by not writing “Obama ‘08: The Change We Need! (Note: Got Lots of Room For More Words Just Sayin’)” across her ass. When you support a candidate, you should use every weapon in your arsenal to spread the word. Just like Heidi Montag should’ve ran around topless with “McCain/Palin” across her plastic rack. That’s just common courtesy, folks.

Ladies and Gentleman, Barack H. Obama: The nation’s first African-American president!

An historic moment that none of us will ever forget.

The Superficial will return to its regularly scheduled chicanery tomorrow. But goddamn what a night.

EDIT: Just hell fucking yeah! I’m sorry, but this is a day a lot of people never thought they’d see. I might be a guy who cracks jokes about his penis and loves breasts more than life itself, but what a monumental moment for America. Just incredible. You may now fire away at my political views because, shit, that’s just another reason this country is awesome. Freedom of speech. G’night, guys!

Country music star Carrie Underwood has no love for celebrities who can’t keep their endorsements to themselves, according to TV Guide:

“There is someone I do support, but I don’t support publicly. I lose all respect for celebrities when they back a candidate. It’s saying that the American public isn’t smart enough to make their own decisions.

You’re right, Carrie Underwood, celebrities should stop endorsing candidates. (Except for McLovin. That kid’s hilarious!) Which is why you should bikini wrestle Lindsay Lohan and Elisabeth Hasselbeck in the mudpit I made with a garden hose out back. But don’t do it for the camera hidden in the lawn gnome. Do it for democracy!

Obviously Lindsay Lohan didn’t get the memo from the Obama campaign to “Kindly, STFU!” because she decided to blog one last time encouraging people to vote. Ha ha, she thinks she has fans. Adorable. From her MySpace page:

Sorry i haven’t blogged in a minute.. i’ve been traveling and trying to catch up on sleep! I thought it was important to just put a message out there tonight for anyone that is on myspace at the moment.. So, here goes.. I cannot say how important it is for everyone to get out there and vote tomorrow… The future of our country depends on it. Just one vote can make such a difference… Vote-because your thoughts are worth it..VOTE-because YOU can make this country a better place…VOTE-because you can.
I feel like i have so much more to say, but the only thing that needs to be said right now, is for people to get out there and VOTE.
PLEASE!!!!!!!!!!!!!
obama for president
VOTE NO ON PROP 8
VOTE NO ON PROP 4

If you’re out voting today and someone bursts through the door yelling, “Linds Linds told me to vote! Hoo-RAY!” here’s what I want you to do:

1. Vote for your respective candidate. Doesn’t matter who, just do it - because you’re about to commit a felony.
2. Pick up the Diebold voting machine and beat the everliving snot out of the Lindsay fan. (If you’re worried about damaging the machine’s calibration, don’t worry. It wasn’t calibrated to begin with.)
3. Grab a roll of “I Voted!” stickers.
4. Run to Starbucks and load up on free coffees.
5. Avoid arrest. (If arrested, remember: Nobody likes a rat, and you don’t even know what a superficial is.)

U.S.A.!

Two radio DJs from Quebec, who are famous for pulling prank calls, somehow managed to get a hold of Sarah Palin on Saturday and convinced her she was talking to French President Nicolas Sarkozy. And she fucking fell for it. For the record, that is really, no joke, Sarah Palin on the line. Her campaign handlers are obviously pissed but, like idiots, confirmed the interview took place. I would’ve lied my face off because nobody is listening to this thing and thinking “Oh, yes, let’s hand this woman nuclear arm codes. That’ll end well.” We’ll be the only nation in history to perish in an atomic holocaust because The Jerky Boys got through the White House switchboard. Sign me up for that.

Before we dive into today’s posting, did everyone remember to set your clock backs? If you didn’t, congratulations, you can smoke/drink/pray to the Baby Jesus your face off for another hour because you’re ahead of the game!
The Superficial: We’re Like a Freakin’ National Treasure Over Here.

Senator John McCain stopped by Saturday Night Live last night and has to know he lost this thing. He did a QVC infomercial with Tina Fey’s Sarah Palin and this sketch had everything: Joe Biden, William Ayers, Cindy McCain (The real one!) and the infamous “Rogue Sarah.” Give it a watch then try not to build a time machine so you can jump ahead to Wednesday before you jab yourself in the eye with a lapel pin. In the meantime, I need to see a man about a flux capacitor.

UPDATE: It was a shoe. Never trust the homeless.

Tom Cruise, Will Smith, Justin Timberlake, Scarlett Johannson, Ryan Reynolds, Harrison Ford, Borat, Shia LaBeouf, Tobey MaDumbFace and a shitload of celebrities got together for a follow-up to the “Five Friends” video encouraging people to vote. Jesus, these things have sequels now? At least they got Spielberg to direct. Or, more like, FUCK they got Spielberg to direct. Thanks for the CGI gophers in Indy 4, asshole!

I don’t know about you guys, but this was definitely the last straw for me. I am so ready for this election to be over before Ashton Kutcher tells me to vote one more time, and I strangle him with a Kaballah bracelet. I honestly can’t wait to wake up on November 5th and learn our next president is… George Bush! Who will undoubtedly declare martial law and proclaim himself “Galactic Umpire” while Natalie Portman gives effortless birth to Luke Skywalker and Princess Leia. You heard it here first.

To all the readers who thought Spencer Pratt is gay, give yourselves a big ol’ pat on the back. Turns out that, despite their staunch Republican upbringing, Heidi and Spencer are huge supporters of same-sex marriage. Especially Spencer. The guy loves it (I mean, LOVES it) and couldn’t help but share his feelings with E! News:

“I think it’s your own choice,” Montag said last night at the opening of Svedka presents Hollywood, DC: Lights! Camera! Election!, an art show at the World of Wonder Storefront Gallery in Hollywood. “I think, you know, whoever you decide to marry—boys, girls, whatever you like—it’s up to you.”
Pratt credits his girlfriend’s glam squad with his open-mindedness. “Heidi’s hair and makeup people are my favorite people in the world and they happen to be gay,” he said. “So if they wanna go marry each other, good for them.”

But don’t worry; they’re still huge supporters of John McCain who, surprisingly, hasn’t locked these two in Guantanamo Bay before he dives even further in the polls (There’s still time, Senator. Maverick their asses!):

They don’t think Colin Powell’s endorsement of Barack Obama will hurt Sen. McCain. “I think McCain is strong and great,” Montag cooed. “And, you know, who needs Colin Powell?”

Heidi Montag: a vapid, mountain of chin and funbags dismissing the career of Colin Powell. Only in America, folks. In the meantime, I included just one pic of Spencer on this post and the rest are all Heidi - which I now realize is like putting a birthday hat on a tumor: Cute, but what the fuck?

Video after the jump.

It’s Friday, so here’s Will Ferrell reprising his classic George W. Bush role alongside Tina Fey’s Sarah Palin on last night’s Primetime Edition of Saturday Night Live. I’m pretty sure something historic just happened here, but then again, I think it’s historic whenever I pour chocolate milk on my Cocoa Krispies. And, on that note, excuse me while I vibrate over to the men’s room to have a sugar-induced panic attack. Whee!

Before everyone births a walrus, I’ve been avoiding these two like the plague. That said, I’ve been bombarded with e-mails today alerting me to Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt’s latest, and most shitass, photo shoot yet. In an obvious effort to get my attention, the Douche Twins posed in Sarah Palin shirts while holding a shotgun, six-pack and Harry Browne’s book “You Can Profit From a Monetary Crisis.” This, of course, comes extremely close to meeting condition #2 of my criteria for post-worthiness:

However, to show that I’m not an unreasonable man and for the sake of journalist integrity, I will make the following exceptions in allowing you on this site:
1. Heidi wears a bikini.
2. Heidi covers her topless chest in maple syrup while stumping for Sarah Palin at a Klan rally.

Granted, there’s no Aunt Jemima or Klansmen, these two asshats couldn’t be more gay for Sarah Palin if they started throwing Bibles at poor people. Anyway, to all my conservative readers, feel free to thank Heidi & Spencer for officially costing you the election. In fact, you can pinpoint the exact moment John McCain loses in these pictures: Right when someone forgot to load the gun. Smooth.

Do you enjoy porn and political satire? Of course, we all do. So, being the Pro-American that I am, I’ve included the first minute of the Who’s Nailin’ Paylin’? parody after the jump which was obviously shot on a way smaller budget than the real Sarah Palin’s $150K wardrobe allowance. In fact, I’m pretty sure these people were paid in hamburgers. That said, the special effects are pretty sweet. I loved the tank crashing into the pipeline. It’s sort of symbolic of America’s dependence on foreign oil and, more importantly, the boner I’m about to have later.

NOTE: Video is safe for work unless your employer has a strict “no shitty acting” policy.

Tina Fey has been thrust into the political spotlight this election year ever since John McCain picked her Alaskan doppelganger Sarah Palin to be his running mate. Initially, Tina didn’t see the resemblance but now wishes the two looked more alike, according to the latest issue of TV Guide:

“When I first saw her, I didn’t think we looked alike at all. Then during the convention, I started to think, ‘Ok, maybe a little.’
“I’ll tell you, that lady is five times better-looking than I am. She’s 44? She’s got none of that droopy s–t. She’s keeping it tight!”

And that’s an endorsement. Quick, somebody slap that shit on a bumper sticker: “Sarah Palin: 1 out of 1 liberal comedians that look like her agree: ‘She’s tight like prom night.’ McCain/Palin ‘08. AWWW YEAH!“

Sarah Palin made her highly-publicized Saturday Night Live appearance and, honestly, didn’t do a whole lot. I expected some pizazz, you know? She’s the fucking Ron Burgundy of politics. C’mon! If it’s in front of her, she’ll say it in that folksy voice of hers that makes you wonder how long Alaska’s been a town in Wisconsin. Instead, what do we get? Sarah Palin standing around while Alec Baldwin pretends to think she’s Tina Fey. LAME. Okay, maybe, I’m overreacting a bit because I was convinced Sarah and Tina were going to make-out in Stars N’ Stripes bikinis. Such imagery would’ve brought our divided nation together towards a common goal. I dunno what exactly that goal would be, but I guarantee there’d be nachos and strippers there. Ooh, and mini golf. Who doesn’t love that shit? (Hint: Terrorists.)

Bonus Mark Wahlberg cameo after the jump.

It’s official: Sarah Palin is doing Saturday Night Live. The McCain campaign confirmed the Alaska Governor will make a guest appearance on this weekend’s show with host Josh Brolin. For the past few weeks, Tina Fey has been doing an uncanny impersonation of Sarah Palin which the governor was taking in stride but might not be digging so much these days a gee golly don’tcha know. People reports:

It was hard to tell whether the Palins are still laughing along with Fey. When a reporter noted that Fey plays the vice presidential candidate as bubble-headed, Sarah retorted: “That’s funny, I kind of play her bubble-headed, too, when I imitate her.”
Chimes in husband Todd Palin about his wife: “She’s been impersonating Tina Fey longer than Tina Fey’s been doing Sarah Palin.”

Oh my god, a husband and wife comedy team. Hilarious! *puts gun in mouth*

Hayden Panettiere, who claims she’s “hot enough to get your attention for 30 seconds,” gives a fake profanity-laden endorsement for John McCain in this FunnyOrDie video that’s 99% Die. Okay, listen, I’m liberal as they come, but for the love of God, knock this shit off. It’s not cute. It’s definitely not funny. And you probably just convinced a bunch of rednecks they’re going to literally get “fucked” by voting for McCain. As if these avid gun enthusiasts weren’t going to be pissed off enough if Obama wins, you’ve added blue balls to the equation. How can that go wrong? Fortunately, it’s been a lifelong dream of mine to get shot at my local Arby’s. Thanks, Hayden!

These are publicity shots from Hustler’s politically-inspired porno Nailin’ Paylin’ starring Lisa Ann. Centuries from now, historians will unearth this patriotic display of free speech and remember what a proud and majestic democracy America once was. Then they’ll get space boners. True story.

NOTE: Last pic links to NSFW version of the first nipples I’ve ever seen that could fight their own war on terror - and win.

Stopping just short of a long-awaited endorsement, Angelina Jolie tells Vanity Fair she’s leaning towards Democratic Senator Barack Obama for President. While I hate celebrities talking politics, Angelina is a U.N. Goodwill Ambassador who knows her shit and doesn’t trip over her 8,000 children trying to endorse Obama (via the AP):

Asked if she finds Obama and his background an example to her family, she replies, “Naturally that’s good, but it’s not a sufficient reason to vote for him.
“Obama fights for international justice, he wants to militarily intervene in cases of genocide, and close Guantanamo Bay. These are the things that could move me to vote for him, not his roots.”
She then adds, “Naturally, an American president like Barack Obama would be nice for my family.”

Hey, you know what else would be nice for your family? TURN OFF THE UTERUS. Just sayin’.

Paris Hilton is continuing her cute, little “presidential campaign” in the latest issue of Harper’s Bazaar. When she’s not shilling for Rock Band 2 (Gotta love those MTV contracts), Paris had some friendly advice for a certain vice-presidential candidate:

My advice to Sarah Palin is, you’ve got a hot bod; don’t keep it to yourself. Why wear a pantsuit when you can wear a swimsuit? Welcome to the Lower 48, girlfriend.

With their candidate down in the polls, you know someone in the McCain campaign just read this and went “Hmm. Maybe…” Unfortunately, that person was John McCain who collapsed shortly thereafter from a condition known as “old guy boner.” It happens.

NOTE: Take part in democracy by weighing in on the Paris Hilton vs. Heidi & Spencer debate going on now which is truly the greatest issue facing our country today. (Next to that economy thing.)