When the report came in, I refused to believe another one of these.. these BEASTS existed. But the boys in the lab confirmed its existence and suggested the two might possibly be related. Cousins even. What kind of sick bastard are you, God? Like its “relative,” we discovered this one on the beach just in time to watch it devour a small canine. Then it announced itself:

I knew what had to be done as I reached into my pocket. Where were those blasted tank keys?

Britney’s dad Jamie Spears is apparently running a tight ship. OK! Magazine reports Britney is kept on a regimented schedule which makes sense. Children crave structure and discipline which Jamie Spears is dishing out like Bruce Lee if he ran a day care for 26-years-old. I rock at metaphors:

Britney’s father is not allowing her to drink alcohol, see her friends and insists that she prays in her pajamas every night. Jamie has also been encouraging his daughter to teach childrens’ classes at her favorite hangout, Millennium Dance Complex.

But Britney’s fighting back and plotting a return to her care-free days of acting like a batshit moron in public:

So far, Britney has been compliant with her dad’s rules, but sources tell OK! that the singer is in the midst of plotting her revenge. Britney has been sending secret text messages to her former party pal and cousin Alli Sims and is reportedly working with her and Sam Lutfi to try to oust her father as her conservator.

I guess Britney Spears is getting tired of having to take a bath before bed every night. But she’s got her dad fooled. She just locks the doors, runs some water and plays with her Barbies on the floor. Ha ha. Suckers.