Amy Winehouse could be joining the ranks of Tom Cruise. She’s been contacted by the Church of Scientology who think they can cure her using their Narconon system which, God Xenu willing, involves sticking your face in a volcano. The Daily Mirror reports:

One of Amy’s inner circle tells me: “She had a call from the celebrity branch of the Church Of Scientology. She thinks they got her number through one of the American music producers who worked on her Back to Black album. They told her they wanted to help her beat drugs and could tailor-make a programme so she wouldn’t have to go to a residential centre. She liked that idea because her husband Blake is out of prison soon and wouldn’t want to be away from him when he’s finally freed.”

Judging by these pics, I’m sure Amy’s father Mitch is open to any help he can get:

MITCH: Amy, love, these Scientologist blokes want to help.
AMY: Me ass, daddy. They want to turn me into a zombie like the Katie Holmes fellow.
MITCH: Will you just hear them out?
AMY: I’ll shit me in bloody shoe first.
MITCH: Amy, dear, you already shat in your shoe.
AMY: I mean me other ones.
MITCH: Those too.
AMY: Right… let me see your shoe a bit then, dad?
MITCH: No.

addthis_url = ‘http%3A%2F%2Fseriouslyomg.com%2F%3Fp%3D9261′;
addthis_title = ‘Amy+Winehouse+looks+worse+than+ever’;
addthis_pub = ’seriously’;

A pal said: “Amy was standing in front of the mirror telling everyone how rough she looked. “Unfortunately her lifestyle has had a major affect on her appearance and it’s only just started to sink in.

“She kept saying she was ugly and was in an awful state. They couldn’t get her out.

“Remi had organised the night and made a huge effort. They had a huge row.

“Amy can be very selfish — there was no convincing her and she ruined the night for everyone, including herself.”

Hopefully this is the push she needs to get sober because by the looks of the picture above from late last week, she might not have much longer if she doesn't.

addthis_url = ‘http%3A%2F%2Fseriouslyomg.com%2F%3Fp%3D9168′;
addthis_title = ‘Amy+Winehouse+too+ugly+for+her+own+party’;
addthis_pub = ’seriously’;

addthis_url = ‘http%3A%2F%2Fseriouslyomg.com%2F%3Fp%3D9153′;
addthis_title = ‘Amy+Winehouse+looks+like+sh%21t’;
addthis_pub = ’seriously’;

Remember when Amy Winehouse went to the hospital in July for a “reaction to her anti-drug medication“? Turns out Amy really smoked her face off for 36 hours straight which leads doctors to believe she’s now permanently brain damaged. The Sun:

MEDICS are worried Amy’s brain was damaged by the cannabis overdose – she displayed symptoms normally associated with schizophrenia.
The pal yesterday said: “The future is bleak, bleak, bleak. Mitch does everything he can to protect his daughter - but his ‘explanation’ for Amy’s hospital dash in July was just simply untrue. She had smoked an inhuman amount of hash which resulted in acute cannabis poisoning. You have to take a s***load of pot to suffer that severe a reaction.”

I love how it takes a team of doctors to deduce Amy Winehouse has brain damage. I could’ve told you that and I can’t even make my own coffee. No, seriously, last time I tried to brew a pot - BOOM! - 9/11. True story.

Thanks to James who reminds everyone to stay in school. That’s where they sell the good shit.

Mr Paparazzi caught Amy Winehouse out with her 12 year old G-ddaughter having another crazy night last week. It is bad enough what she does to herself, but does she have to drag other people in to her craziness.

addthis_url = ‘http%3A%2F%2Fseriouslyomg.com%2F%3Fp%3D8953′;
addthis_title = ‘Another+crazy+night+for+Amy+Winehouse’;
addthis_pub = ’seriously’;

It is just so sad to watch someone as talented as Amy Winehouse through it all way on drugs. Until she is sober, she should not perform again because she is no where near as good as should be. She can’t even stand straight and her voice as you can hear is going. So sad. That is enough of a message to say no to drugs.

addthis_url = ‘http%3A%2F%2Fseriouslyomg.com%2F%3Fp%3D8944′;
addthis_title = ‘Amy+Winehouse+shouldn%27t+preform+live’;
addthis_pub = ’seriously’;

A surprisingly immune to overdose Amy Winehouse went on her daily drinking binge last night and in the process managed to assault an innocent bystander. Apparently an older woman was concerned for Amy’s health and stopped to talk to her. Fearing that her drugs might be in danger, Amy’s survival instincts kicked in, according to The Sun:

Amy lashed out at the middle-aged woman – giving her a hard slap and screaming: “Let f***ing go of me, d***head.”
As she walked away, Amy carried on shouting at her victim, calling her a “f***ing bitch”.

Amy then quickly scaled a fire escape where she attempted to breast feed a bag of crack. British authorities are calling it “the most heinous act of terror since that time Amy peed on a fire hydrant.”

Thanks to Helena who reminds everyone that Amy Winehouse can’t come in your house unless you invite her in. Also, she can’t cross bodies of water so, HA, England! In your face!

Turns out Amy Winehouse’s trip to the ER Monday night wasn’t because of a reaction her medication. Her father Mitch is pretty adamant that someone slipped Ecstasy in Amy’s drink and has even contacted the fuzz, according to The Sun:

A source said after Rehab star Amy was discharged yesterday: “Mitch is furious. He’s certain someone put E in Amy’s drink — and he’s determined to get to the bottom of it. He is convinced that one of her hangers-on was responsible and he’s waiting for a toxicology report to show what caused her to fit.

Jesus. I mean, who would slip E into Amy Winehouse’s drink? I just couldn’t fathom what sort of individual would do such a thing. If only we knew of a suspect with a long history of drug abuse that would love to see Amy trip her face off for a couple of hours while getting shitfaced drunk at the same time. Hmm. Curiouser and curiouser…

Amy Winehouse was hospitalized last night after she apparently had a “reaction” to medication she’s taking as part of an anti-drug regimen. Amy had collapsed at her apartment and her dad Mitch called paramedics telling them “She’s fucked up, she’s fucked up.” But, in defiance of all logic and reason, she’s somehow doing fine and will be released tomorrow. The Sun reports:

An onlooker said worried Mitch told fans: “She’s just mixed up her medication.”
Later dad Mitch went to University College Hospital and took Amy some Kentucky Fried Chicken.
Asked how she was, Mitch held up two bags of food and said: “This is how serious it is — I’m bringing her some KFC.”

For the record, Amy doesn’t so much eat the chicken as she reinforces her beehive with the bones. Or at least tries to before giving up and smoking a crack pipe the size of a bus. Yet, somehow, God let’s her keep living. I’m gonna go ahead and assume this has something to do with me touching myself at night. Not quite sure the punishment fits the crime, but whatever….

addthis_url = ‘http%3A%2F%2Fseriouslyomg.com%2F%3Fp%3D8788′;
addthis_title = ‘Amy+Winehouse+rushed+to+the+hospital+again’;
addthis_pub = ’seriously’;

addthis_url = ‘http%3A%2F%2Fseriouslyomg.com%2F%3Fp%3D8780′;
addthis_title = ‘Is+Amy+Winehouse+finally+on+the+brink%3F’;
addthis_pub = ’seriously’;

addthis_url = ‘http%3A%2F%2Fseriouslyomg.com%2F%3Fp%3D8757′;
addthis_title = ‘What+is+missing+from+Amy+Winehouse%27s+wax+figure’;
addthis_pub = ’seriously’;

Amy Winehouse, for who the hell knows what reason, has been immortalized in wax at Madame Tussauds in London. Her parents Mitch and Janis stopped by for the unveiling sans Amy which prompted Mitch to ask Janis “Why couldn’t you have had a wax baby? I want a divorce.” The AP reports:

The singer’s parents, Mitch and Janis Winehouse, attended the unveiling, but the 24-year-old soul diva did not. Her father said she was working and would see the waxwork in the next few weeks.
“This is the reward for her musical achievements and her talent,” Mitch Winehouse said, adding the model bears an “incredible” likeness to his daughter.

For even further authenticity, the statue was rolled around the inside of a dumpster out back. These people don’t fuck around.

addthis_url = ‘http%3A%2F%2Fseriouslyomg.com%2F%3Fp%3D8751′;
addthis_title = ‘Amy+Winehouse%27s+parents+model+daughter’;
addthis_pub = ’seriously’;

Amy Winehouse’s husband Blake Fielder-Civil was sentenced to 27 months in prison today for bribing a pub owner he assaulted and then attempted to bribe to shut him up, according to the Daily Mail:

Judge David Radford told Fielder-Civil he had behaved in a ‘gratuitous, cowardly and disgraceful’ way.
Fielder-Civil has already served around nine months on remand and he could be free in four-and-a-half months if he behaves himself in prison. Miss Winehouse was not in court today to support her husband.
Earlier, Fielder-Civil appealed to a judge to let him walk free so he could become a role model for the troubled singer.

HA! Amy Winehouse’s husband wants to be her role model? Jesus, I know crazy people on the street who’d be better role models. Mostly they’d teach Amy about the government listening in on our sandwiches, but you gotta admit, that’d be a huge step up.

addthis_url = ‘http%3A%2F%2Fseriouslyomg.com%2F%3Fp%3D8729′;
addthis_title = ‘Amy+Winehouse%27s+husband+sentenced+to+27+months+in+prison’;
addthis_pub = ’seriously’;

addthis_url = ‘http%3A%2F%2Fseriouslyomg.com%2F%3Fp%3D8675′;
addthis_title = ‘Amy+Winehouse+is+still+smoking’;
addthis_pub = ’seriously’;

Amy Winehouse looks like she was doing more than just DJing the other night according to the video obtained by The Sun. That video was filmed the same night that some white stuff was seen in Amy Winehouse’s nose. Now it looks like we know what that white stuff was. Looks like she didn’t take the advice of her doctors to quit drugs or she will die. So sad.

addthis_url = ‘http%3A%2F%2Fseriouslyomg.com%2F%3Fp%3D8665′;
addthis_title = ‘What+is+Amy+Winehouse+doing+while+listening+to+crack+whore%3F’;
addthis_pub = ’seriously’;

Amy Winehouse has decided she’s sexy. The shit has hit the fan, folks. I’m talking Code Red; we need snipers on the roof. It all started yesterday when Amy visited her husband Blake in prison and decided to give him a little window love, according to The Sun:

The Rehab singer was visiting hubby BLAKE FIELDER-CIVIL when she yanked her top down, pressed her boobs against a glass booth and writhed suggestively.
One visitor said: “It was not a pleasant sight. Amy seemed completely out of it.”

Amy then headed off to the Monarch where she attempted to seductively pose in front of ol’ Union Jack. (Outcome: FAIL and they had to burn the flag.) If you thought terrorism was our biggest threat, guess again. The chick above wants to show you her breasts. Let that sink in for a minute. I know battle-hardened vets, guys who were in the shit in Nam, who cried like babies when I broke the news to them. Okay, maybe I told them the Viet Cong are hiding out in her beehive, but still.