Angelina Jolie is one step closer to repopulating the planet. She was admitted to a hospital in the south of France today and will soon be birthing her twins: Future Hotness #1 and Future Hotness #2. You can’t tell me those aren’t better names than Maddox and Shiloh. The AP reports:

Nadine Bauer, a spokeswoman for the Lenval Hospital in Nice, says Jolie is fine and that everything is going well. She said the actress’ admittance to the hospital’s maternity wing had been planned for some time.
Bauer said Jolie will almost certainly remain in the hospital until she gives birth.

“She’ll remain in the hospital until she gives birth.” As opposed to what? Getting an epidural then bouncing? “Hey, thanks, everybody. I’ll take it from here. Anyone got a catcher’s mitt?”

Angelina Jolie sat down for a Q&A with Entertainment Weekly where she talked about her new movies Wanted and Changeling. The interview also strayed into Angelina’s personal life where she admitted that being pregnant is awesome in the sack:

It’s great for the sex life. It just makes you a lot more creative. So you have fun, and as a woman you’re just so round and full.

But just in case you think Angelina is all Hollywood with the doing it. She’s still weird as hell and so are her kids:

‘Mad, our 6-year-old, draws lots of war scenarios,” she explains. ”He’s all into war and guns. So for Mother’s Day he drew a machine gun, and Brad had it made into a necklace, which is really sweet. It’s really cute. I think it’s really good!”

A machine gun necklace from a six-year-old. Let me guess: he walked in on the prego-sex? This is why God invented Children’s Tylenol, Angie. “But, mommy, I not sick.” “You are tonight… BRAD, I did my three! Take your pill!”

While our constant vigil of Kim Kardashian’s buttpad raged on, rumors started spreading that Angelina Jolie birthed her litter today. People has the official word from Angelina’s rep that these rumors are false:

“Angelina has not given birth. She is fine, enjoying her home and her family in France,” a rep for the actress tells PEOPLE.

So, in summary, Angelina Jolie did not give birth which means Brad Pitt is, presently, not having sex with her to “kick that baby train into warp speed.” His words, not mine. Okay, you caught me; It was Clooney. Right after I beat him in the Sexiest Man Alive contest. True story.

Jenna Jameson fancies herself as the next Angelina Jolie. Frankly, I’m surprised they’re not twin sisters. Who knew? Anyway, Jenna, who is way younger than her face and duck lips suggest, is ready to become a walking baby factory, according to Us Magazine:

“I think I’m gonna stay unmarried, and just go for the babies!” Jameson, 34, told Usmagazine.com at Maxim’s Hot 100 bash in L.A. Wednesday. “I’m following in Angelina’s footsteps! We’re trying for a baby, so hopefully in the next couple of months!”

Baby #1: Mommy, where did all your money come from?

Jenna Jameson: DAMMIT, CALL ME ANGELINA! Tito, your kid’s acting up again.

Tito Ortiz: Tito punch!

Oh yeah, this’ll go well.

Angelina Jolie confirmed today that she is definitely sporting double fetuseses. She had no choice in the matter after Jack Black accidentally spilled the beans then sang a goofy song with his guitar. Us Magazine reports:

Jolie confirmed the news that has long been rumored: she and beau Brad Pitt are expecting twins. Her Kung Fu Panda co-star Jack Black let the news slip during an interview about the movie that took place this afternoon at the Cannes Film Festival in France.

For those keeping score at home, this brings the Pitt-Jolie’s one baby closer to TOTAL WORLD DOMINATION. Better start brushing up on your Pitt-Jolie-ese. Feel free to practice by translating the following examples. (Hint: Don’t forget to conjugate the verbs.):

1. Baby uterus adopt the ridiculously good looking with the procreate.
2. Monster boobs!
3. Charity UN the fallopian tube Brad pecs.
4. What the fuck happened to Ed Norton’s career?

Answer Key: 1. Please put mustard on my sandwich. 2. Hello! (Formal.) 3. The bathroom is the second door to the left. 4. What the fuck happened to Ed Norton’s career?

Gwyneth Paltrow has been laying low the past couple of years and doing the family thing with husband Chris Martin of Coldplay. But now she’s currently seen in Iron Man which debuted at No. 1 this weekend. While at the LA premiere, she was asked if she wanted to congratulate her ex Brad Pitt on his latest child with Angelia Jolie. Let’s just say, Gwyneth knows how to hold a grudge. Contact Music reports:

Paltrow appeared less than happy to be questioned about her ex at the Los Angeles premiere of her newest film Iron Man (30Apr08). When asked if she had any well wishes to share with Pitt - whose partner Angelina Jolie is pregnant with the couple’s second child - the Shakespeare In Love star declared, “No!”

You gotta feel kind of sorry for Gwyneth. It must suck to have an ex who’s trying to repopulate the planet. In the meantime, here’s hoping for some more clever responses:

Baby 4: “I hope her uterus explodes.”
Baby 17: “STOP ASKING ME!” *strangles reporter with microphone*
Baby 21: “I joined Lindsay Lohan’s prison gang. Fiery V’s for life! Now hand over those smokes, or Gwyn Gwyn go ’slicey slice.’”
Baby 47: “How beautiful. Flowers for Jesus?”
Baby 276: “Gwyn-bot computes Angelina is a skank. Beep boo bop.”

These are modeling shots of a 16-year-old Angelina Jolie from the latest issue of InTouch. She really hasn’t changed much which makes me think I need to get to work on a time machine. Jeez, relax! I’ll go back to when she’s 18. You guys really need to get your minds out of the gutter. How do you pervert something so pure and simple as bending time to score some 18-year-old Angelina Jolie action? Tell you what, I know a good therapist…

Having kids is big business in Hollywood these days. Jennifer Lopez nabbed $6 million for exclusive photos of her twin spawns of Skeletor. Barry Levine of the National Enquirer is telling Page Six that Angelina Jolie could score as high as 10 million smackers for pictures of her baby which looks like it’s ready to Tomb Raider it’s way out:

“It’s become big business now,” Levine said. “It’s outrageous, they’ve gotten very sophisticated. The rights are bought up now even before the celeb enters the hospital. They hire extra security so it’s impossible to obtain a photo illegally.”
Levine said stars now realize that having a child is “akin to getting a role in a movie.” And the glossies don’t mind paying because they recoup the money over time with magazine sales, Web hits, and by re-selling the photos overseas.

Any lady celebs out there looking to make a quick book, I’ve got a wiener. I’m just saying.

UPDATE: Major backfire. Within five minutes Rosie O’Donnell and Britney Spears showed up in my front yard and started duking it out. It’s sort of like that scene in King Kong when Kong fights the T-Rex. Except Rosie is way more hairy, Britney isn’t a sexy thunder lizard and, when it’s all over, I’ll be crying as my pelvis gets turned into a fine powder. Mommy!

Jennifer Aniston and Angelina Jolie were supposed to have a little sit down to ease the tension between the two and bring some closure to the fact that Brad ditched Jen to repopulate the planet with Angelina. The sit down was scheduled before the Night Before party in Beverly Hills on Saturday, but Angie bailed at the last minute. Author Robert Greene of “The 48 Laws of Power” gives Us Weekly his analysis:

“If Angelina is trying to get under Jen’s skin – push her buttons – this is a clever way to do it,” Greene adds.
“Imagine you’re in Jen’s shoes,” he says. “You’re worried about Angelina showing up. And she never does. It’s infuriating. If intentional, it’s definitely a power move.”

Maybe Angelina Jolie, being the humanitarian that she is, didn’t want to rub in the fact that she has a fully functioning reproductive system and Jennifer Aniston will die barren and alone. I mean, that sounds considerate. Or Angelina could just be a total bitch and wanted to screw with Jen’s head. Then she went home and wrote about her in her slambook while Brad braided her hair. Yeah, all that stuff.

Alright, let’s get into the insanity that was this weekend. Before we jump into the Oscar aftermath, the Independent Spirit Awards also went down. They’re kind of like the Oscars but everyone stands around talking about their odorless bowel movements. I’m telling you, it’s a miracle of science. Anyway, Angelina Jolie picked the Spirit Awards as the venue to show off her protruding stomach. I’m no doctor but I’m pretty sure that’s a baby in there. By my calculations there’ll be roughly two Pitt-Jolies to every one Normie (that’s us) by 2020. As long as the females look like Angelina, I embrace this future. I will also simultaneously unembrace pants.

Us Weekly is claiming to have a source close to Angelina Jolie that says she is definitely pregnant. Word is Angelina is going to auction off confirmation of the news and donate the proceeds to charity:

One SAG attendee tells Us in its latest issue, on newsstands now, “It was so obvious she was pregnant. You could clearly see the bump’s outline.”

OK! Magazine is also reporting the bun’s in the oven. But enough about that. Let’s get down to brass tacks. I bid $1 billion* for the exclusive confirmation interview. For the record, I like to prepare a meal for all my interviewees. Hopefully Angelina likes Easy Mac out of a Tupperware dish. Also, I cook in the nude. That’s the naked nude, ladies.

*To be paid in $1 yearly installments. Dollar may be substituted for gum wrapper at any time. Gum not included.

Angelina Jolie attended the 14th Annual Screen Actors Guild Awards yesterday and her dress has stoked the rumor flames that she’s pregnant again. This poor woman can’t catch a break. So Angelina and Brad Pitt have a hundred kids (scientific estimate). That doesn’t mean she’s perpetually knocked up. She can’t even order a cheeseburger without someone saying “Angelina Jolie eats for two.” Can’t we just respect her as a human being by ogling her awesome rack? Hey, wait, Brad Pitt’s in these pictures, too. Get out. Was he there the whole time?

Angelina Jolie’s character in Beowulf apparently shows a little more skin than the actress expected. She didn’t expect to “come out as much” and was a “little shy” after seeing the final product, according to Fox News:

“I didn’t expect it to feel as real and so, especially because of the type of character I play, it was funny at first and then there were certain moments where I felt actually shy and called home and just explained the kind of fun movie I had done that was digital animation was, in fact, a little different than I think they were expecting.

While millions of fanboys are drooling over the chance to see a nude CGI Angelina Jolie, who got totally duped by Robert Zemeckis (nice one!), they are not alone. John Malkovich is stoked as well:

“It’s PG-13, so at least I’m told there are things and adult themes on the Internet that may push the envelope quite a bit further than a PG-13, but we’ll see; I haven’t seen it yet,” he told FOX at Monday’s star-studded premiere. “Of course, I’m excited to see Angelina on-screen … she’s …she’s talented.”

Way to not give off a creepy vibe, John Malkovich. There’s nothing your female costars love more than when you talk in freaking ellipsis while suggesting you want to see their… their… “talents.” No, no, that’s not creepy. Women love it. Oh, hey, you getting naked in this movie? Can’t wait to see it. With my eyes. Then remember it - forever. Yeah, chicks dig that. No, really. When they pepper spray you in the mouth, that’s their way of saying “Thanks.” Ha ha, dames. Such kidders.

Angelina Jolie’s brother James Haven attended the premiere of Beowulf last night in Los Angeles. Honest to God, they should’ve gotten this guy to play the Joker because he has the freakiest goddamn face I have ever seen. Can you imagine what it’s like for Brad Pitt when this dude comes over for dinner?

[Scene: The Pitt-Jolie dining room table. Angelina is tending to the children, while Brad and James sit and eat.]

James: Brad, I bet your soul tastes delicious.

Brad: Huh? What did you just say?

James: Oh, nothing. Just the peas are delicious. Like your soul.

Brad: Did you just, no, did you just say my soul is delicious?

James: Angie, dear, this dinner is simply wonderful. Almost as good as that time we made love in a canoe.

Brad: Gets up. You motherfu–

James: Jumps to his feet. Oh, Lord, yes! Pretend I’m Edward Norton in Fight Club and I just bought a tea cozy from Ikea! Oooh, I’m a naughty, naughty consumer of goods. Punish me before I get a Discover card!

Brad: Shakes his head. Why do I agree to these dinners? The sex isn’t that good.

James: Maybe it’d be if you were related! Zing! God, aren’t I to die for? No, but, seriously, Brad let’s be friends. Now, take off your pants and give me a hug.

Sometimes it’s nice to hear about celebrities doing something awesome. It gets kind of tiring hearing about the custody battles, drug addictions and whatnot. So here’s Angelina Jolie doing what I can only describe as some sort of miracle. Page Six reports:

Her emaciated stomach nearly ruined In Touch’s plans for this week’s cover: “Is Angelina Jolie pregnant?” To protect its story, the glossy bought exclusive rights to the shots of her taut torso “so no other weeklies could run them,” said an insider. In Touch claims Jolie gained 10 pounds in her chest, but conveniently cropped the photo above her flat stomach. “When Angelina showed up looking so skinny, they bought the photos,” our source said. The mag says, “The most striking area of Angelina’s weight gain is in her chest.”

How in the hell do you gain 10 pounds in your chest? That’s incredible. Seriously, Wonder Woman couldn’t even do that. No matter how many times I told her it would help me pay attention to her more. What? She tied me up with her Golden Lasso! That thing makes you tell the truth and, well, I like boobs. When a magical rope controls my speech, don’t be surprised if I say, “Hey, those could be a bigger.” That’s just cause and effect, baby.

Angelina Jolie attended a conference on global education at the Clinton Global Initiative Annual Meeting. I don’t even know what any of those words mean. I do know that Bill Clinton probably asked Angelina to provide some humanitarian relief – in his pants. That guy is smooth. But I’m smoother. I would’ve talked Angelina into removing the trade embargo between my man parts and her refugee camp. Get it? *nudge nudge* Get it? Now that’s how you romance, Clinton. I hope you took notes.

Forbes Magazine just released their Celebrity 100 list with the world’s most powerful celebs. They’ve added up annual salaries, web rank, PR rank and TV rank.

Last year Oprah Winfrey earned $260 million for the year! Prisoner Paris Hilton, Lindsay Lohan and Britney Spears didn’t even make the list.

Here is the full list from Forbes:

Angelina Jolie at the Premiere of “A Might Heart” (Images)

Angelina Jolie was at the premiere of “A Might Heart” last night in support of her new film. Jolie plays journalist Mariane Pearl, the widow of Wall Street Journal reporter, Daniel Pearl. In the film her husband is kidnapped just after 9/11 when he is going to report on one last story.

The film supports an organization called “reporters without borders”; which seems a little hypocritical for Jolie after what she had her lawyer make all reporters sign before interviewing her.

Angelina Jolie had her attorney make all reporters sign an agreement stating that they will not ask her any personal questions during interviews. Every reporter that wanted to speak with Jolie had to sign this before speaking to her on the red carpet. She also banned Fox News from asking her any questions!

Fox News had this to say:

Reporters were asked to agree to “not ask Ms. Jolie any questions regarding her personal relationships. In the event Interviewer does ask Ms. Jolie any questions regarding her personal relationships, Ms. Jolie will have the right to immediately terminate the interview and leave.”

The agreement also required that “the interview may only be used to promote the Picture. In no event may Interviewer or Media Outlet be entitled to run all or any portion of the interview in connection with any other story. … The interview will not be used in a manner that is disparaging, demeaning, or derogatory to Ms. Jolie.”

If that wasn’t enough, Jolie also requires that if any of these things happen, “the tape of the interview will not be released to Interviewer.” Such a violation, the signatory thus agrees, would “cause Jolie irreparable harm” and make it possible for her to sue the interviewer and seek a restraining order.

I am told that USA Today and the Associated Press were among those that canceled interviews, and eventually Jolie scotched all print interviews when she heard the reaction.

“I wouldn’t sign it,” a reporter for a major outlet said. “Who does she think she is?”

I can understand how Jolie does not want to be asked any personal questions and just wants to promote the movie but this does make her look like quite the hypocrite when she is promoting a movie that is all about freedom of speech for reports.

What do you think?

Check out the trailer for A Mighty Heart.