Suge Knight was arrested yesterday morning after police caught him beating his girlfriend in a parking lot. Suge was holding a knife at the time and was also in possession of Ecstasy and hydrocodone when officers arrived. The AP reports:

“A citizen sees the beating in a parking lot, police get there fast, they see him beating her. It’s a good solid case,” said Las Vegas police Lt. Chris Carroll.
“This is a very large man,” Carroll said, estimating his weight at more than twice the woman’s. “He was on top of her, actually in the act of violently beating her when the officers arrived, with the knife in his hand.”
At least one officer drew a Taser stun gun as they approached Knight, said Officer Jacinto Rivera, a police spokesman. He said he did not know if the officers drew their handguns. Knight dropped the folding knife and was taken into custody without incident, Carroll said.

I see: Suge Knight can beat up his girlfriend but pisses himself at the sight of a Taser. Pfft! What a pussy.

I’m getting hung upside down from a balcony, aren’t I? Neat.

Hayden Panettiere spoke publicly for the first time about her dad’s arrest for spousal abuse and put the blame on the arresting officers. Her father was arrested after getting in a drunken brawl with his wife who was also sloshed. Extra reports:

“It [the incident] was blown way out of proportion by a sheriff who wanted his fifteen minutes of fame,” the “Heroes” starlet tells “Extra.” “My family is wonderful — so very happy. We’re all great.”

Jesus. Talk about laying it on thick. Hayden Panettiere might as well have said “My mom fell down the stairs.” Then winked at the camera.

Tila Tequila’s new girlfriend Courtenay Semel found herself in the drunk tank after getting in a fight with security outside a Vegas nightclub. Beforehand, she was having dinner with Kourtney Kardashian who was taping an episode of her reality show Keeping up with the Kardashians. So, for the five people who watch the show, you’re in for a night of drunklarity featuring Z-List celebrities. Huzzah! Page Six reports:

Later, Kardashian called it a night and Semel went out to Pure at Caesars with Vegas showman Jeff Beacher - and proceeded to “go nuts,” a spy said. “Courtenay got so drunk she was falling down. Security asked her to leave, but she refused.” Semel finally left, but on her way out there was an altercation with a security guard. “She was arrested and spent the night in jail,” a Semel pal confirmed. “And she lost her phone.”

Some people might be wondering, where was Tila? Oh, she was there alright, but, uh, how do I put this? You see, kids, Tila Tequila is very tiny which allows her to fit “places” that only Mommies and Daddies who love each other should go….

DMX must really like getting arrested. In fact, I’m willing to so far to say he should marry getting arrested. He was picked up today at an Arizona Wal-Mart after he failed to show up for a court hearing on Tuesday for his animal-cruelty and drug-possession case. E! Online reports:

Although DMX’s attorney did appear on his client’s behalf Tuesday afternoon to provide documentation that his client couldn’t make it because he was hospitalized in Miami (he wouldn’t say why, though), the judge opted to issue a bench warrant anyway and raise his bond to $25,000.

And just in case DMX’s lawyer doesn’t have a big enough ulcer, the rapper has another court hearing next week:

“We are in court again next week on other matters, and my hope is we can get the warrant resolved by then and get back on track,” he said. “We have some things in the works to get the warrant taken care of. My hope is that we can resolve it without an arrest, but he’s been arrested at the airport before, so they obviously have an eye out for him, so I’m not sure.”

I’m pretty sure the only place DMX hasn’t been arrested is outer space. Even then I’m sure it’s only a matter of time until he’s picked up on the Hubble Telescope. And by a matter of time I mean Tuesday.

DMX must really like getting arrested. In fact, I’m willing to so far to say he should marry getting arrested. He was picked up today at an Arizona Wal-Mart after he failed to show up for a court hearing on Tuesday for his animal-cruelty and drug-possession case. E! Online reports:

Although DMX’s attorney did appear on his client’s behalf Tuesday afternoon to provide documentation that his client couldn’t make it because he was hospitalized in Miami (he wouldn’t say why, though), the judge opted to issue a bench warrant anyway and raise his bond to $25,000.

And just in case DMX’s lawyer doesn’t have a big enough ulcer, the rapper has another court hearing next week:

“We are in court again next week on other matters, and my hope is we can get the warrant resolved by then and get back on track,” he said. “We have some things in the works to get the warrant taken care of. My hope is that we can resolve it without an arrest, but he’s been arrested at the airport before, so they obviously have an eye out for him, so I’m not sure.”

I’m pretty sure the only place DMX hasn’t been arrested is outer space. Even then I’m sure it’s only a matter of time until he’s picked up on the Hubble Telescope. And by a matter of time I mean Tuesday.

Christian Bale is off the hook. London police have been instructed to drop charges that Batman assaulted his mother due to lack of evidence. That loud wheezing sound you just heard was the excited whimper of a million geeks the world over. The AP reports:

The country’s Crown Prosecution Service said in a statement that there was insufficient evidence to afford a “realistic prospect of conviction” and ordered the police not to take any further action in the case.

Christian Bale had the following to say: “I just want to thank all my fans for their unwavering support in this private matter. I’m happy to be vindicated of these, obviously, false allegations. I’m going to celebrating by kicking my own mother down a flight of stairs. Ha! I’m kidding, folks. I’ll pay someone to do it.”

Nikki Blonksy’s father Carl was allowed to post bail yesterday due to a medical condition. He can’t leave the Turks and Caicos island until his trial for beating the ever living crap out of Elaine Golden the mother of America’s Next Top Model contestant, Bianca Golden. In case you forgot what grievous sin Elaine committed to deserve a trip to the ICU, she moved Carl’s luggage. Harpie! ET Online reports:

A police constable tells us that Carl, who’s been locked up in a Turks and Caicos islands jail for over a week, was freed after posting $3000 bail awarded to him by the Chief Justice on Monday morning. Regardless, he must remain on the island and his travel documents are in police custody.
He’s due to appear in court on August 19 at 9:00 a.m.

You know what’d be hilarious? As part of Carl’s sentence he’s banned from the airport effectively trapping him on the island. Of course, he could always use Nikki as a flotation device to aid his return to the homeland. Always look for that silver lining, folks. Even if it’s made of Ben & Jerry’s.

Within hours of Hayden Panettiere’s father Alan posting bail yesterday for assaulting his wife Lesley (FYI, they were both effing hammered), the two went for a public walk together as a sign of solidarity to show their love is as strong as ever.

ALAN: I blame whoever thought it’d be a great idea to have an open bar.
LESLEY: Dear, that was your idea.
ALAN: Works every time.
LESLEY: What works every time?
ALAN: I dunno.
LESLEY: You put vodka in this Frappucino bottle didn’t you?
ALAN: Yup.
LESLEY: God, I love you.
ALAN: What was that? I threw up on the dog.

Hollyscoop is reporting that Hayden Panettiere’s mom Lesley got drunk as hell last night at the benefit for the Whaleman Foundation and was flirting with other men. She allegedly decided to smack her husband Alan around who was also tanked and either trying to stop her from causing a scene or simply orchestrating a Taco Bell run:

“Hayden’s mom drank way too much and was being rude to everyone. Her Dad was trying to put her in her place. Lesley striked him several times before he hit her,” said our spy.
Our source confirmed that Hayden’s parents started arguing while at the Whaleman Benefit dinner at Beso last night because Lesley was allegedly flirting with another man, and the argument escalated when they went home.

Jesus. Nothing like causing a giant drunken ruckus on your daughter’s special night. I mean, Britney Spears managed to attend a charity function without making a complete ass out of herself - and she doesn’t even know how to read! But don’t despair; The road to healing starts by realizing you’re worse than a career genital flasher. You can learn all this and more in my new book “Seriously, What the Fuck?: An Inspirational Journey of the Soul.”

Hayden Panettiere hosted a charity benefit last night for the Whaleman Foundation at Eva Longoria’s restaurant Beso. What was supposed to be a special evening for the Heroes star, turned into a crapfest when Hayden’s father punched her mother twice after getting in an argument at home later that night. TMZ reports:

Law enforcement sources tell TMZ Alan and Lesley Panettiere were at a party earlier in the evening. We’re told Alan was upset because Lesley was “hanging” with someone at the shindig and he felt she was “disrespecting” him.
Sources say, according to Lesley’s statement to Sheriffs, the couple went home, began arguing and he struck her in the cheek. We’re told cops took pictures and there are visible marks.
Paramedics advised her she should go to the hospital but she refused. Alan did not give a statement to the police. It’s unclear if any of their kids were at the house at the time of the incident.

Jesus, what a colossal dick. Milo Ventimiglia better be taking good care of Hayden, my sweet midget love. Yeah, it’s common knowledge she’s about to dump his ass and run away with me as far as $4.50 will get us on a Greyhound, but that’s not important right now. What is important is Milo manning up and being a shoulder to cry on. No tongue!

Hayden Panettiere hosted a charity benefit last night for the Whaleman Foundation at Eva Longoria’s restaurant Beso. What was supposed to be a special evening for the Heroes star, turned into a crapfest when Hayden’s father punched her mother twice after getting in an argument at home later that night. TMZ reports:

Law enforcement sources tell TMZ Alan and Lesley Panettiere were at a party earlier in the evening. We’re told Alan was upset because Lesley was “hanging” with someone at the shindig and he felt she was “disrespecting” him.
Sources say, according to Lesley’s statement to Sheriffs, the couple went home, began arguing and he struck her in the cheek. We’re told cops took pictures and there are visible marks.
Paramedics advised her she should go to the hospital but she refused. Alan did not give a statement to the police. It’s unclear if any of their kids were at the house at the time of the incident.

Jesus, what a colossal dick. Milo Ventimiglia better be taking good care of Hayden, my sweet midget love. Yeah, it’s common knowledge she’s about to dump his ass and run away with me as far as $4.50 will get us on a Greyhound, but that’s not important right now. What is important is Milo manning up and being a shoulder to cry on. No tongue!

UPDATE: Turns out both parents were shitfaced, according to TMZ: “Alan told cops when they arrived, ‘I’m Alan. Yeah, I just got into an argument with my drunk wife.’” Interesting. Cue Hayden Panettiere becoming the new Lindsay Lohan in 5, 4, 3, 2 - Flame on!

Nikki Blonsky (Hairspray) and her father were arrested after an airport brawl with the family of America’s Next Top Model contestant Bianca Golden. The fight was over saved seats in the airport’s lounge. Oh, good. For a minute there, I thought it might be about something stupid. Us Magazine reports:

Bianca, 19, her brother George, 17, and their mother Elaine Clinton-Golden, were waiting for a flight to New York when they tried to take a seat in the departure lounge but found luggage on the chairs. When they removed the luggage, which belonged to the Blonsky’s, a brawl broke out.
Elaine was alleged to have been repeatedly kicked and punched all over her body. She was airlifted for treatment in Miami, Florida.
Nikki, 19, was charged with actual bodily harm; her father, Carl, was charged with grievous bodily harm, a source at the Turks and Caicos Weekly News tells Us.

In Nikki’s defense, the wing buffet in the lounge ran out of ranch dressing which put her under extreme emotional duress. To put things in perspective, at her 13th birthday party Pizza Hut ran out of cheesy bread. There were no survivors.

Shia LaBeouf’s crash on Sunday morning turned out to be not his fault despite being freaking loaded, according to the AP:

Sheriff’s spokesman Steve Whitmore says detectives have determined that the other driver apparently ran a red light, and will be also be cited.

Now this is something I wouldn’t want to know if I were Shia LaBeouf. I’d prefer learning a valuable lesson instead of finding out, “Hey, guess what, you’re actually a decent drunk driver who just got nailed by some idiot.” There’s only way that’ll end: Me filling my glove box with Jim Beam and Jell-O and starting an office car pool. Sure, everyone will complain I’m not wearing any pants, but have you seen those gas prices?

Shia LaBeouf was arrested for suspicion of DUI after crashing his pickup into another car early Sunday morning. His two passengers suffered minor injuries while Shia required surgery on his hand at Cedars-Sinai Medical Center. He was booked for misdemeanor DUI at the hospital where no photo or prints were taken, according to AP:

“It was immediately apparent to officers responding on the scene that LaBeouf was intoxicated and he was subsequently placed under arrest,” Wolf said.

And the Disney curse strikes again. Oh yeah, that’s right; Shia was a Disney child star ala Lindsay and Britney. What the fuck do they do to these kids? Promise the parents a boatload of cash as long as their little prodigies down a fifth of Jameson every morning with Michael Eisner? I mean, seriously that, uh, actually sounds kind of awesome. So, who wants to make a baby?

Christian Bale’s sister reportedly asked him for £100,000 (roughly $200,000) to help support her children. When he said “No,” she decided to make some remarks about his wife causing a confrontation that, according to The Sun, did include “pushing and shoving”:

Legal sources told The Sun the women said sister Sharon needed £100,000 to help her bring up her three children. They said Bale, 34, snubbed the plea and a row flared in his suite at the Dorchester Hotel in London’s West End. Welsh-born Bale was alleged to have “pushed and shoved” mum Jenny, 61, and Sharon, 41.
Both Jenny and Sharon are terribly upset over what happened. They did not want any publicity and the last thing they wanted to do was wreck his premiere evening. But they say he bullied them.

Here’s what really happened: Christian Bale’s sister asked him for money. He said “How ’bout a check in the amount of ‘I hate you.’?” She called his wife a “hose beast” prompting him to drive over her face with the insane looking Batcycle above. Then Superman showed up, and they all ate sandwiches. The End.

Christian Bale is reportedly suffering depression from strains in his marriage and the death of Heath Ledger that’s hitting home with The Dark Knight now the biggest thing since sliced bread that lives in a cave. According to a close friend of Christian, his mother provoked him into an argument Sunday evening at the Dorchester hotel where he had booked her and his family rooms for the London premiere. Things got heated, words were said and his mother and sister decided to turn him into the police for being a potty mouth. The Daily Mail reports:

“Things got out of control and he says now he wishes he just left the room. The thing that happened here was that normally Christian would just call a friend and go out to a pub to cool off. But he was literally trapped into this confrontation with his mother and sister because there was an army of fans and paparazzi outside.
“He was feeling the stress, but he didn’t lay a finger on anyone. Instead, he flew off the handle and cussed his mother. He just got very loud because his mother was saying some very outrageous things about him, his wife and his child.”

I guess Christian Bale learned the hard way that simply saying “I’m Batman” won’t automatically end every family argument. Damn, I could’ve told him that after last Thanksgiving. Of course, when I said it, I was naked and holding a pumpkin pie over my head. Not the best execution, but my uncle eventually relinquished the Cool Whip after the cops showed up and made me put some pants on. Way to narc me out, Grandma.

Christian Bale was picked up by Scotland Yard this morning after his mother and sister claimed he assaulted them in his London hotel room Sunday night. Police didn’t arrest Christian for questioning yesterday because of The Dark Knight premiere. Also, he’s not considered a flight risk (Really? Batman?) and the cops don’t quite believe the seriousness of the allegations, according to The Sun:

A source said: “It was a very difficult situation but it would have been wrong to have wrecked the premiere over a complaint which we don’t yet know is founded in truth.”

It’s a probably a simple matter of Christian wanting to sleep in his cape, but his mom wouldn’t let him. So he hung her from the balcony by her ankle and left a note for Commissioner Gordon. Ha ha! Kids.

UPDATE: TMZ is reporting the alleged assault was most likely verbal which apparently you can get arrested for in England. Ah, those wacky Brits. Christian Bale has already been released and his reps issued the following statement: “Mr. Bale, who denies the allegation, co-operated throughout, gave his account in full of the events in question and has left the station without any charge being made against him by the police. At this time, there will be no further comment by Mr. Bale.”

Christian Bale was picked up by Scotland Yard this morning after his mother and sister claimed he assaulted them in his London hotel room Sunday night. Police didn’t arrest Christian for questioning yesterday because of The Dark Knight premiere. Also, he’s not considered a flight risk (Really? Batman?) and the cops don’t quite believe the seriousness of the allegations, according to The Sun:

A source said: “It was a very difficult situation but it would have been wrong to have wrecked the premiere over a complaint which we don’t yet know is founded in truth.”

It’s a probably a simple matter of Christian wanting to sleep in his cape, but his mom wouldn’t let him. So he hung her from the balcony by her ankle and left a note for Commissioner Gordon. Ha ha! Kids.

DMX must love getting arrested. He was picked up Saturday at a Phoenix mall on suspicion that he gave a hospital a fake name and social to duck paying for his visit, according to the AP:

Maricopa County Sheriff Joe Arpaio said that when DMX, whose real name is Earl Simmons, went to Scottsdale’s Mayo Clinic in April, he used the name “Troy Jones” and failed to pay a $7,500 bill.

DMX finally cashes in the “Ha ha, nobody knows my real name” and wins a pot full of FAIL. And the worst part is, he wasted it on a seven grand hospital bill. Way to shoot for the stars, big guy. You could’ve at least hustled yourself a helicopter. Or, if you’re the practical type, a swimming pool shaped like a robot: “BEEP BOO BOP I’m full of water.”

The weekend arrest of actors Josh Brolin and Jeffrey Wright during an incident at a Shreveport, Louisiana bar was captured on cell phone video, and it’s not good. The two were drinking at a wrap party for Oliver Stone’s W when they were asked to leave along with the film’s crew. At some point the owners called the cops which ended in several arrests. However, the details of the arrest have been revealed, and already the D.A. is considering not charging any of the actors. I wonder why? TMZ reports:

Local station KTBS reports and TMZ sources say Wright, who plays Colin Powell, was repeatedly tasered and pepper sprayed as he lay prone on his stomach in the street. We know witnesses heard the officers using extremely foul language, including the “N” word, directed at Wright.
Our sources say Brolin was observed by witnesses attempting to make peace and standing still as he was repeatedly sprayed in the eyes by cops.

Southern cops acting like racist assholes?! Hell’s bells, Margaret, I could never imagine such a thing. Some might say this is what happens when you film a liberal movie in a Red state, but, c’mon, like these cops know who Josh Brolin (particularly a bald Josh Brolin) or Jeffrey Wright is. This is a prime example of: “Hey, Cletus, let’s try out them thar TASERs. They works on electro tricity! Say, ain’t you that guy from the Goonies? I better pepper spray you just to be sure.” PFFSSHH. “Shucks! It is you! Do you mind if we lynch your colored friend? Shoots, I ain’t supposed to say that no more. I meants Afro-can American friend.”