As if he could smell the long-dead carcass of his acting career, Ashton Kutcher has accepted the position of assistant head coach for Harvard-Westlake prep school, according to Page Six:

“The team was totally surprised when they showed up for practice and Ashton was there,” said our source. “His best friend is the head coach and asked for his help.”

The universe is in balance today, my friends: Tom Brady is sidelined, Ashton Kutcher’s been reduced to coaching high school football, and I bet there’s an even a leftover Boston Creme in the employee lounge…

UPDATE: SON OF A VAGINA! Nothing but coconut. I hate you, mysterious cosmos!

Ashton Kutcher is apparently part duck. He stopped by the British talk show Friday Night with Jonathon Ross today (Looks like the Brits perfected time-travel - and before me. Damn!) and showed off his webbed feet, according to the Daily Mail:

He told the host: “I have slightly webbed toes. When everything else is this good-looking, something has to give!”
The star, who managed to fend off Ross’ attempt to snip his toes with pair of scissors, is in London promoting his new film What Happens in Vegas.

I disagree with Ashton’s statement that pure beauty comes with at least one abnormality. I’m freaking gorgeous and have no unnatural body parts. Well, besides gills. I won’t get into the details but, long story short, my father screwed a striped bass. He’s, uh, not allowed back to Red Lobster. But he did say I’ll get a new brother the next time we’re at Sea World. You’re number one, pop.

Thanks to RF who’s cooler than a snarfblatt.

Demi Moore chatted with David Letterman last night to promote her new movie Flawless. Dave commented on her “amazing” looks and Demi revealed her latest age-defying secrete: Austrian leech therapy. These pics are from this morning so judger for yourself whether she looks amazing or, I dunno, let’s say an alien. Here’s an excerpt of the interview via The Huffington Post:

“I feel like I’ve always been someone looking for the cutting edge of things that optimize your health and healing,” she told Dave. “I was in Austria doing a cleanse and part of the treatment was leech therapy.”
Demi describes how four leeches got drunk on her blood, starting from her bellybutton, and how they don’t like hair and prefer waxed or shaved skin.

Hopefully Demi Moore will continue her leech therapy at home and maybe, fingers crossed, one of them will escape and bite off Ashton Kutcher’s penis. Then, as the story goes, an angel gets its wings and becomes a stripper. I’m 90% sure that’s in the Bible. Right after the chapter where God tells Moses that “Dude, if you think you’re cool to drive, I believe you. But first we should totally get nachos!”

Letterman clip after the jump.

Ashton Kutcher’s new show Pop Fiction has “celebrities” pulling pranks on the media. Paris Hilton pretended to be spiritual with a monk and Avril Lavigne wore a fake belly. However tabloid editors aren’t buying it and see right through the shenanigans of this assclownius supremus. Here’s some quotes from NY Daily News:

“There’s nothing these people do that we don’t know about before they get there. We know everything. Ninety percent of their lives are put together by other people. It’s almost like these celebs have LoJack. It’s easy to track them. “
Star mag ran a picture of Paris and her “guru,” but reported that it was a stunt. “We never took it seriously,” Star editor in chief Candace Trunzo tells us. “After a while, you learn what smells.” Kutcher’s crusade for truth won’t affect Star’s coverage of Kutcher and his wife, Demi Moore, Trunzo says. “He’s only semi-interesting,” she says. “He doesn’t sell a lot of mags.”
“It’s a typical conceited celebrity,” says a mag insider. “Live a life, man. Grow up. Go act. If a celeb has a full week, then they have way too much time on their hands.”

“Go act.” Ashton Kutcher - acting! LMFAO! That’s goddamn hilarious. Seriously, how do you follow that? My hat’s off to you, sir. *dead rabbit falls out* Captain Wigglenose?

Paris Hilton confirmed to Ryan Seacrest today that the monogrammed rings worn by her and boyfriend Benji Madden are not an elaborate hoax for Ashton Kutcher’s Pop Fiction. She also shut down rumors that their relationship is also a joke for Ashton. But, don’t get me wrong, it’s still a joke in the most literal sense of the word. Us Magazine reports:

“He’s been my friend for a couple of years now, and we’re really happy,” gushed Hilton, who said Madden was by her side during the 8 a.m. telephone interview.
She said it was his idea to wear the matching ‘ BM’ and ‘PH’ rings. “That was a very special present I got,” Hilton said. “He’s really sweet.”

Wow, so Benji Madden is not only an idiot for sticking his midget wang in Paris’ death crotch, but he thinks wearing a ring with your girlfriend’s initial is cool. Legally, I think that’s grounds to feed him to a shark. Someone get Jabberjaw on the line. We’ve got work to do.

NOTE: You can scope out the audio here. The Superficial is not responsible for any cases of “crazy herp to the ears.”

Ashton Kutcher’s new show Pop Fiction is strikingly similar to an idea Anna Nicole Smith and Howard K. Stern pitched to E! programming execs back in 2004. So similar, in fact, that Anna Nicole is planning to sue from beyond the grave. TMZ reports:

Ashton’s show sounds like a carbon of Anna’s treatment — “…what happens if Anna Nicole Smith and other celebrities turn the tables and capitalize off of the overzealous media? What if the next big supposed scandal is not a scandal at all? What if everything is staged, but the media (and the public) don’t know it?” It continues, Anna Nicole and other celebrity guests take aim at the media and push all the limits.”

It’s news, and not to mention pictures, like this that make me wish Ashton Kutcher OD’d instead of Anna Nicole. One of them brought joy and happiness to the world with incredible product placement while the other is a complete douche-nozzle. For the record, these are photos of Anna Nicole on MTV Australia from 2005. They’re pretty random, to say the least, but I posted them anyway because I’m the Blogging Jesus. In the meantime, I’m not even going to comment on her mouth except to say the Joker really wants it back.

NOTE: That last bit had absolutely nothing to do with Heath Ledger. Despite my best efforts.

It turns out Paris Hilton’s public appearance with a monk who turned out to be an actor is part of some elaborate stunt for Ashton Kutcher’s new show Pop Fiction. Get it? Like Pulp Fiction. Clever and he wears trucker hats. This man is our Jesus. FOX News reports:

The performance for the paps was reportedly for Kutcher’s new E! series premiering this Sunday entitled “Pop Fiction.” The show is designed to make gullible paps and media outlets look pathetic by pulling all sorts of pranks.

Touché, Ashton Kutcher. Touché. But here’s a prank that will turn your brown eye blue: Look in the mirror. Surprise, you’re Ashton Kutcher - forever! Aw, man, that’s gotta sting. Also, you just got Punk’d. I win!

Ashton Kutcher celebrated his 30th birthday on February 7 at Socialista in New York City and it turns out the bartender was mixing drinks with an extra special ingredient: Hepatitis A! Nothing like getting Punk’d in the digestive tract. The New York Department of Health contacted Ashton and told him that he and his guests, which included Bruce Willis, Madonna and Gwyneth Paltrow, should probably get a vaccination ASAP. TMZ reports:

Hepatitis A is spread by putting something in one’s mouth that has been contaminated with traces of fecal matter from an infected person. Symptoms include jaundice, fatigue, abdominal pain, nausea, and diarrhea. Any patron who hung at Socialista is considered to be at risk, and the Health Dept. says they should get a gamma globulin shot — pronto!

For those of you who think it’s a bit cruel of me to laugh at this news, just take a good, hard look at the pics of Ashton Kutcher I included. They’re from last night and I have no idea what the event is, probably the 15th Annual Douche Ball. I defy you to look at that guy and not wish the bartender was pouring drinks directly into his eye. Am I right? I’m right. You can stop punching your monitor now. He can’t feel it. I’ve been trying all morning.