I can’t even count how many readers have e-mailed me this picture of, what looks like, Governor Sarah Palin in a bikini brandishing a rifle. Allow me to set the record straight because, I shit you not, a ton of folks think this is real. (Smartest country ever!) It’s photoshopped, people. How do I know? Simple: No one is that sexy. Also, the real Sarah Palin would’ve shot the guy behind her for smoking his cigarette like a homosexual. “BANG BANG! Not on my watch, Frenchie!”

Somehow these bikini pics of model Caroline D’Amore from a few days ago slipped completely under my radar. Of course, one has to ask themselves: Who the hell is Caroline D’Amore? After some deep soul-searching I realized she’s a chick in a bikini. Now I feel spiritually enlightened enough to spend the rest of the day playing GTA in my boxers. I like to believe it’s what Jesus would do if he a.) existed and b.) drank a bottle of cooking wine because he’s too lazy to go to the store. Go forth, my children, and tell others what you’ve learned here today.

NOTE: Sweet Moses!

These are shots of Brody Jenner’s mom actress Linda Thompson at the beach. Since we’ve been having a dialog about abortion these past couple of days I thought I’d show what a woman who should’ve had one looks like: HOT! I don’t know what kind of message that sends, but I’m pretty sure it involves Brody Jenner getting attacked by a wire hanger. (Hint: It does.)

There’s been a lot of political tension these days: Red vs. Blue. Logic and reason vs. abstinence-only education. So, I felt it was time for some neutrality. And you can’t get more neutral than the Swiss which brings us to international supermodel Michelle Hunziker in a bikini whose butt is practically a beacon for world peace. It’s time like these that make me wonder why I don’t work at U.N. I would solve shit!

Christina Ricci hit the beach yesterday with her boyfriend Kick Gurry. Kick? Note to self: Change name to “Chop Samson.” Purchase water-bed, five barrels of Cool Whip, cape. Prepare for all the sex with Christina Ricci. End note.

Addendum: Keep an eye out for The Geekologie Writer a.k.a. “Donkey-Punch Gusterson.”

Julia Roberts took her kids to Hawaii for the Labor Day weekend and also got her bikini on. What you can’t see in the background is terrified vacationers searching for pineapples to squeeze in their eyes. It was sort of like Pearl Harbor all over again - but with breasts.

Elisabetta Gregoraci continues her summer of digging gold in a bikini. There’s just something about Itailan Wonderbra models. Once you’ve seen one, you’ve seen not nearly enough and want to continually stare at her while praying to the Internet gods she’ll jump out of your screen. Sure, to do sexy stuff, but would it kill her to make a sandwich?

UPDATE: It did. Whoops! Gonna need a shower curtain. Italians are a calm, understanding people with a distaste for revenge, right? Okay, good.

Eva Longoria used to be a lingerie model before hitting it big on Desperate Housewives. These shots are from 2001, and I want to know who the hell told her to keep pursuing acting? Eva could’ve been cranking more of these pics out or, God willing, done porn. This is exactly why I tell never people to follow their dreams. Unless you’re G4’s Olivia Munn and your dream is to cover me in chocolate sauce. In which case, reach for the stars!

Is it me or is The Bachelorette DeAnna Pappas always wearing a bikini? Some might call this trashy, but if you take note, ladies, she’s engaged. Now, I’m not suggesting the two are related - except I am and no one likes a spinster. So, house full of cats, or walking around in a bikini? While you think that one over, I’ll be on the roof with a lawn chair and binoculars to, um, watch birds. Yeah, what I just said.

In this day age, some might say the ideas of poise, elegance and class no longer exist.

“Not so,” says Shauna Sand. “Not so. …. Lap dance?”

Hayden Panettiere celebrated her 19th birthday over the weekend by apparently wearing a bikini and a party hat. Cool. I’ll be the first to admit this looks nothing like I envisioned it. I mean, where’s the parade? The midget rodeo?! And why is the pool filled with water instead of Jell-O? No, no, NO! This is all wrong! Man, I got all dressed up like Batman for nothing…

Paris Hilton unveiled her latest product “The Bandit” this weekend which is, surprisingly, not a giant vibrator shaped like the Hamburglar. I’m as shocked as you are. That said, these launch photos will no doubt be the smoking gun in the mysterious case of “Holy crap, my pee is burning me.”

After the Madonna concert post, seeing Ali Larter in a bikini is like a breath of fresh air - that’s wearing a bikini. Then again, you could show me a picture of celery right now and I’d probably weep tears of joy.

I’ve gotten a ton of e-mails asking me to post about Paraguayan Olympic javelin thrower Leryn Franco. So, to honor the Olympic spirit of unity and sportsmanship, I’ve scrounged up some bikini pics of Leryn. I’m a beacon of inspiration. In the meantime, why do I get the feeling there’s a penis joke waiting to be made here? Let’s see, javelin, penis. Penis, javelin… Nope, don’t see it. False alarm, everybody.

These are shots of Nicole Scherzinger from the Pussycat Dolls in Ibiza. I hate to say it but Nicole does kind of remind me of Kim Kardashian. But, you know, minus the pending heart attack, cellulite and facial hair. Other than that, it’s like they’re sisters!

Kate Beckinsale did some scuba-diving while vacationing in Cabo yesterday with her family. I don’t want to say these photos of Kate in a bikini are the most important news of the day, but let’s be frank, they are. I mean, Jesus, I wrote a post about Chris Kattan. How does that even happen?

British model/actress Kelly Brook decided to celebrate her recent split from Billy Zane by hitting up Saint-Tropez and posing in a bikini. I guarantee I could probably roll up on Kelly and woo her by simply saying “Did you notice all my hair? It’s on my head.” She’d be like putty in my hands - which I would then mold into giant breasts because, dammit, I love romance.

Audrina Patridge needs to remind Heidi that the only good Hills star is a bikini-clad Hills star. Well, except for Lauren Conrad whose chest could literally put a man to sleep.

Here’s Kristen Bell allowing Dax Shepard to slather her bikini body with suntan lotion. Yeah, it’s only spray-on lotion, but I’m pretty sure this is conclusive evidence that either God doesn’t exist or is drunk again. Dax Shepard gets to nail Kristen Bell: HA! Good one, big guy. But, seriously, I’m gonna need those keys…

These are shots of Selma Blair in a bikini on the set of her new show Kath & Kim, but that’s not important right now. Can somebody tell me what in the hell is going on with Selma Blair’s crotch in some of these photos? Is her vagina trying to escape? That can’t be healthy. Should somebody notify the National Guard, or is it one of those deals where it’s more scared of us then we are of it?