Amy Winehouse, presumably in exchange for a wheelbarrow full of crack, has revealed to News of the World that her marriage to Blake-Fielder Civil is over. He’s leaving her for German model Sophie Schandorff which is a significant improvement on his part. Then again, the same thing could be said about a sea turtle:

Drug-tortured star Amy dramatically confessed: “It’s over. There’s no way back for us now. It was never going to last. We were only together for SEX. I fancied him like mad, like no one else I’ve ever known. But it’s not enough, is it?”

A friend of Amy’s also revealed that her sex life with Blake was as insanely excessive as their rampant drug use. She even arranged threesomes which I’m betting involved a shitload of duct tape and hush money:

“They were into threesomes. It was Blake’s idea but Amy said she’d been with women before so it wasn’t a problem. She said she’s had a string of female lovers. Whenever Blake said he wanted three-in-a-bed Amy would fix it.”

“They thought they were on this sexual journey together. And the pair of them were into some real kinky stuff, not just the usual bondage and sex games but really gross stuff you couldn’t mention in a newspaper. They were bad for each other, each pushing the other to excess, whether drugs or sex. Plus he sponged off her. And she’s awake to that now.”

Just imagine getting married to the only woman in the world who wants to still have crazy sex after the honeymoon, but it’s Amy Winehouse. I’ll give you a minute to stop crying. Okay, now, fellas, go home and hug your wives. Hug them and say “I love you, honey. We haven’t been intimate since that Christmas I spiked your coffee, but at least I can look at you without vomiting on the dog. Also, thanks for not making a big deal about the masturbating, strippers and cleaning lady.”

On second thought, maybe just get her some flowers.

Amy Winehouse’s husband Blake Fielder-Civil earned an early release from prison today provided he immediately checks into rehab. Blake was serving a 27 month sentence for conspiring to fix a trial involving a bartender he assaulted at a pub. The Sun reports:

Amy was not present when her hubby was released this morning, she remained in her Camden home after recently checking out of a London clinic following treatment for a ‘chest infection’.
Blake sported a huge grin while leaving prison, wearing a striped red and white T-shirt and trademark trilby hat.
However he did show signs of his time behind bars, with red scratches down his arms and a chipped tooth.

These are shots of Amy Winehouse leaving her house to visit Blake, but instead, shoving her hands in some guy’s coat pocket. I have no clue what Amy’s trying to accomplish, but I’d bet a vital organ it ended with someone getting scurvy. Twice.

Amy Winehouse’s husband Blake Fielder-Civil was sentenced to 27 months in prison today for bribing a pub owner he assaulted and then attempted to bribe to shut him up, according to the Daily Mail:

Judge David Radford told Fielder-Civil he had behaved in a ‘gratuitous, cowardly and disgraceful’ way.
Fielder-Civil has already served around nine months on remand and he could be free in four-and-a-half months if he behaves himself in prison. Miss Winehouse was not in court today to support her husband.
Earlier, Fielder-Civil appealed to a judge to let him walk free so he could become a role model for the troubled singer.

HA! Amy Winehouse’s husband wants to be her role model? Jesus, I know crazy people on the street who’d be better role models. Mostly they’d teach Amy about the government listening in on our sandwiches, but you gotta admit, that’d be a huge step up.

Amy Winehouse has been staying in the ritzy Riverbank Plaza Hotel in London since exiting rehab. She’s repeatedly barred housekeeping from entering the room, but management finally went in while Amy was performing at the Brits Awards and found over $6,000 in damages, according to The Sun:

Booze was spilled all over the wooden hallway and cigarette butts, countless bottles of champagne and unwashed knickers were all over the floor. The blackened bath had to be scrubbed and unclogged after she dyed and washed her famous beehive in the tub. She had even taken a large mirror off the wall and placed it on the floor. Staff were baffled why. I’m not.

If “unwashed knickers” isn’t gross enough for you, the article also reveals how Amy’s husband Blake Fielder-Civil is scoring his drugs which led to an OD this week:

The singer was in tears as she spoke to Blake through a pane of glass, in a room separate from other prisoners. Their marriage has been under strain since we revealed Blake has been trading signed photos of her for heroin.

Okay, wow, I understand these guys are in prison and don’t get to see women very often, but Amy Winehouse? Barforama. I mean, I’d rather look at my roommate Hair-lip Bill the bearded arson. And I wouldn’t trade sweet, precious prison heroin for Amy Winehouse pics. Hell no. Maybe some feathers from my pillow. But only the ones that keep sticking out and poking me in the ear. Even then, I dunno. We’re talking feathers here. I don’t want to overpay.

Amy Winehouse’s incarcerated husband Blake Fielder-Civil overdosed on heroin along with several other cellmates. After guards were somehow able to distinguish he looked sicker than usual, Blake was rushed to the jail’s hospital where he survived the ordeal. Showbiz Spy reports:

Just days before the overdose he was hauled in front of prison bosses for failing three random drug tests. He was locked in solitary as a punishment, but was soon back in search of a fix.
The source added: “He’s being very stupid. It’s only because everyone reacted so quickly that this dodgy gear didn’t do long-term harm.”

Somewhere in the afterlife Heath Ledger just went “C’mon!”

Amy Winehouse has been spending a lot of time with artist/photographer Blake Wood (above). The two stayed the night in a hotel room together but Amy is telling people he’s gay. Word is he might be competition for Amy’s jailed husband Blake Fielder-Civil who, coincidentally, is also a zombie. The Sun reports:

A pal said: “She’s said it’s fine so share a hotel room because he is gay. But he doesn’t seem gay to me — I think he’s bisexual. Amy’s husband wouldn’t be happy if he saw how close they are.”
This new Blake character sounds like a much better influence than her jailed hubby FIELDER-CIVIL. He is a drug-free, teetotal veggie who likes reading the works of French poet CHARLES BAUDELAIRE.

I included pics of Amy out on the town last night with her new Blake. Before changing into the shirt and tie combo, she was walking around like Chesty LaRue. She seems to be showing off the goods lately. I dunno if she’s just getting her money’s worth or proud to have defied the laws of chemistry. Amy Winehouse did enough blow to turn her breasts into raisins but yet, magically, they survived. I bet those things could withstand a nuclear attack. Let’s get Amy out in the desert and drop a bomb on her - for science, of course. Yeah, science…

Amy Winehouse’s husband Blake Fielder-Civil sent a letter from prison to his father. Blake refers to his dad as “Daydream” because of his laid-back attitude and shares his fears that Amy will die before he gets out of prison. He’s hoping rehab will get her off coke and crack which they used to do $1000 worth of everyday, according to News of the World:

“I want Amy to grab this opportunity in rehab so we can have a marriage and future together. Because the way she’s going I really fear I will come out of prison to no wife.

“I dread my cell door being opened and the chaplain informing me, ‘Amy’s dead.’
“I have that nightmare three or four times a week.

I’m assuming $1000 worth of blow is a lot. I dunno, I’m more of a meth man. Anyway, if I ever called my dad “Daydream,” he’d chain me to the garage door then hit me repeatedly with his truck. He prefers “Buttercup.”

Amy Winehouse visited her husband Blake Fielder-Civil for the first time today. Blake is in prison on charges of witness tampering. Amy was looking “visibly distraught” during the visit, according to the Daily Mail:

The strain appears to be taking its toll on the Rehab singer, who was teary eyed as she stopped into a store near the jail to pick up some supplies for her man.

Amy, who wore a checked red shirt, jeans and scuffed ballet flats, was spotted buying a 20-pack of cigarettes and some of his favourite snacks.

Question: How the hell can you make a comment that Amy Winehouse looks visibly distraught? As opposed to what? Looking visibly cracked out? Visibly drunk off her ass? Visibly suicidally thin? I mean, check out the shots of her picking up some smokes for her husband. She goes from looking like the gray clouds of England burn her skin to petting a dude’s coat. How do you distinguish distraught on that face? I’ve seen homeless guys trying to have sex with garbage cans who have their shit more pulled together than Amy.

Blake Fielder-Civil, husband of singer Amy Winehouse, was arrested on charges of offering a bartender he severely beat £200,000 to withdrawal his police statement. Blake and his accomplice had two associates contact the victim Andrew King and offer him the money along with plane tickets to fly overseas on the day of the trial so the case would collapse. The Mirror reports:

As part of our investigation King, who needed metal plates fitted in his face, was filmed withdrawing his allegations about the assault.
Amy was not filmed at meetings observed by the Mirror and there is no evidence to suggest she was involved in the alleged plot.
But police, who raided her home yesterday in an attempt to gather evidence of the claimed plot, will wish to see whether she can help.
Amy was said to be desperately worried that her husband could receive a lengthy jail sentence if convicted.

This sounds like a bad Guy Ritchie movie. Except it doesn’t star Madonna, so maybe it sounds like a good Guy Ritchie movie. One I’d actually watch without jabbing myself in the eye with a cocktail fork. I hope this one ends with Blake Fielder-Civil getting his skull caved in by Jason Statham’s fist. Then everyone listens to the Beatles, drinks tea and says “Pip, pip, cheerio” just before losing the Revolutionary War to Paul Revere in an F-16. I guess you can say I like my movies historically accurate – but with jets.