Paris Hilton is in no rush to replace Benji Madden. In fact, she’s downright repulsed by the thought of another relationship, according to The Sun:

“I don’t have dating on my mind at all. Just the thought of dating someone else grosses me out.
“No way.”

However, what doesn’t gross Paris out is pushing the ol’ girls up and hitting Bardot nightclub in LA last night. Sure, maybe she had sex with three bartenders, the coat check guy and, let’s assume, David Spade, but at least she’s not being monogamous again. That’s just nasty.

What does it say about me as a person that, if Katie Price was selling cyanide capsules, I’d probably buy an entire case and pop them like candy? Besides that I’m awesome and people are genuinely surprised when they learn I don’t drive a battleship to work.

Former Miss England 2004 and British glamour model Danielle Lloyd stopped by Mansion night club in Ireland Saturday night where she displayed my two favorite things in the world. She also drank Guiness. (Hi-YO!) Why can’t more American celebrities dress all cleavagey while brandishing a frosty ale? That’s just downright patriotic! You see, kids, after Mel Gibson won the Revoluationary War by stabbing British soldiers with Old Glory, Samuel Adams took his first opportunity as a free man to invent beer so that America would rise up and grasp its greatness like so many tasty nachos:

ELIZABETH ADAMS: I’m with child.
SAM ADAMS: What lamentable news. Calamity not withstanding, you’ve presented an opportunity to test my new elixir. *chugs* Repeat your proclamation, would you, please?
ELIZABETH: I’m with child.
SAM: Curious. I find myself no longer contemplating a perilous ride off a steep precipice. I believe I’ve done it! *chugs* Fetch my quill and parchment!
ELIZABETH: For what purpose, dear?
SAM: I’m stricken with the immediate need to inform my colleague Thomas Jefferson that he prefers the lustful company of men and there exists a distinct possibility he was sired from my loins.
ELIZABETH: My word, Samuel, you’ve soiled yourself.
SAM: So I have. Good show!

Apparently, it’s Hot Chicks Hawking Video Games Week on The Superficial. Thanks, looming holiday season! Today’s hot chick is rising British model Keeley Hazell who, according to Wikipedia, is “noted for her large, natural breasts (bra size 32E).” See, kids, learning is fun. On that note, If you’re curious as to what vehicle Keeley is posing next to, I have no frickin’ clue. Not really big into cars. (Read: My penis isn’t small. Ladies?)

Supermodel Heidi Klum does an insane amount of breast jiggling in this new commercial for Guitar Hero: World Tour edition. Basically, she’s in nothing but a bra and panties* reenacting Tom Cruise’s dance scene from Risky Business. My sources tell me Tom found Heidi’s rendition to be “yucky” - then instructed Katie Holmes to grow a mustache. I should state for the record my source is a ham sandwich, but he looks reliable.

Thanks to Allison who makes Ms. Pac-Man look like a yellow gumball with a bow.

*This is the part where you should stop reading and press “Play.” (Hint: It’s the arrow.)

Katie “Jordan” Price, who is apparently Paris Hilton’s British BFF these days, went out yesterday with her husband Peter Andre. The two are reportedly having marital problems, but you’ll have this in a relationship where one party has giant tits while the other is gay. Fortunately, there is something they love to do together: SHOPPING! In the meantime, if you’re wondering why 90% of these pics are of Katie’s chest, it’s because I make Tom Brokaw look like a silly bitch. True story.

I pretty much pulled the plug on celebrity Halloween pics yesterday but couldn’t resist this set of Ice-T and his wife Coco at Club Plumm Friday night. Mostly because they’re recreating the timeless love scene where Black Punisher bangs Slutty Catwoman from behind - while yanking her tail in public. God, I love Shakespeare.

A lingerie-clad Mariah Carey and her husband Nick Cannon rode on the back of a fire engine to a Halloween party in New York City last night. So, if you live in the Big Apple and no one responded to your apartment burning down, take comfort knowing these two lovebirds made a grand entrance to their party - then went home to have sex on a pile of cash. Life is AWESOME!

A lingerie-clad Mariah Carey and her husband Nick Cannon rode on the back of a fire engine to a Halloween party in New York City last night. So, if you live in the Big Apple and no one responded to your apartment burning down, take comfort knowing these two lovebirds made a grand entrance to their party - then went home to have sex on a pile of cash. Life is AWESOME!

These are pics of Heidi Montag decked out for Halloween, and while I dodged a bullet yesterday, there’s no way I’m not posting this latest set to hit my desk. Chins McJugs dressed up as a slutty cop? That’s everything this site stands for. When The Superficial Writers came over on the Mayflower trying to touch some Pilgrim boob, we dedicated ourselves to celebrating giant mammary glands regardless of sex, creed or vapid C-wordiness. That said, I tried to leave Spencer out of these pics as much as possible. Mostly because I’m an artist and want to make sure you guys capture the inner beauty of these photographs. (Read: Heidi Montag’s large, stupidly fake breasts.) Trick or Treat!

These are pics of Heidi Montag decked out for Halloween, and while I dodged a bullet yesterday, there’s no way I’m not posting this latest set to hit my desk. Chins McJugs dressed up as a slutty cop? That’s everything this site stands for. When The Superficial Writers came over on the Mayflower trying to touch some Pilgrim boob, we dedicated ourselves to celebrating giant mammary glands regardless of race, creed or vapid C-wordiness. That said, I tried to leave Spencer out of these pics as much as possible. Mostly because I’m an artist and want to make sure you guys capture the inner beauty of these photographs. (Read: Heidi Montag’s large, stupidly fake breasts.) Trick or Treat!

Former Danity Kane member Aubrey O’Day got drunk last night partying in West Hollywood and, Jesus, can you tell it’s the slowest news days known to man? Hilary Duff, Sophie Monk, Lance Bass and now Aubrey; where are the real celebrities hiding? Besides Barack Obama’s house - ’cause he’s a Commie! (Beat you to it.) But, seriously, somebody tell Britney Spears to eat one of her kids or something. I’ll be your best friend.

Katie “Jordan” Price launched her new line of hair care products at SuperDrug in London today wearing another one of her ridiculous outfits, and I don’t know how the hell she’s successfully marketing this shit to women. Katie looks like Two-Face’s stripper sister who got puked on by a pink unicorn. Yeah, that’s probably the most erotic sentence I’ve ever typed in my life, but it’s no way to sell flat-irons to the fairer sex. That said, I’ll take twenty.

These are shots of Jessica Biel looking chesty at the 3rd Annual Rome International Film Festival, and it’s been so long since she’s been on this site, it’s practically a crime. In fact, the last time I posted about Jessica, a pterodactyl ate my brother. I honored him by clubbing his wife over the head then eating a rock.

R.I.P., Krog.

(P.S. In the afterlife, you might find out our mom was a woolly mammoth. I probably should’ve said something.)

If you’re wondering why Traci Bingham is popping up a lot lately, it’s because she’s currently starring on FOX’s Gimme My Reality Show! which is a reality show where contestants compete to be on, holy shit, their own reality show. I am nowhere near high enough to contemplate how that concept hasn’t ripped a hole in the fabric of space. Anyway, Traci stopped by Mr. Bones’ Pumpkin Patch yesterday where she deployed her sole campaign tactic/vocational skill: Pushing her tits together. Somewhere, Sarah Palin is telling John McCain “I don’t care if it makes the Baby Jesus cry, I am doing that shit tonight. Oh, hockey sticks, he flat-lined. MEDIC!”

Christina Aguilera and her husband Jordan Bratman took the big guns out for dinner at L’Atelier de Joel Robuchon restaurant in London last night. I love how Jordan’s wearing his little tux. Goddamn adorable.

JORDAN: PEW PEW PEW! I just shot that guy with my cufflink darts.
CHRISTINA: That’s nice, dear.
JORDAN: I can do that because I’m Commander James Bond, and my double “O” status with the British Secret Service allows me to kill at my discretio - why are you rubbing that waiter’s face in your breasts?
CHRISTINA: Who made sure you didn’t die a virgin?
JORDAN: Fair enough. Oh no, my salad’s working for the KGB. PEW PEW PEW!

Elizabeth Hurley rocked the monster cleavage last night at a breast cancer awareness event in London because apparently she’s a giant bitch. I mean, Jesus. That’s like showing up pantsless to Lance Armstrong’s house and making your testicles sing “One” by Three Dog Night. Sure, it’s adorable at first, but it’ll only end with you getting dragged behind his bike until you link his charity on your site. On that note, LIVE STRONG, everybody!

Video for “One” after the jump because why not?

Holly Madison went “Bowling for Boobies” last night at Lucky Strike Lanes to help the Busted Foundation raise money for uninsured women battling breast cancer. The event brought in over $50 grand which is awesome except at one point there was a pervert on the loose, according to LA Daily:

I sat in a bowling booth next to Playboy’s Holly Madison, Hugh Hefner’s ex-main squeeze of “Girls Next Door” fame. Suddenly I was informed by one of her entourage that there was some creepy dude posing as a UCLA medical professor taking pictures up Playmates’ skirts and claiming it was for some research project he was doing on behalf of the university. Nice one, dude.

Honestly, I don’t know how that didn’t work. I even had a lab coat and Batman mask just like a real doctor. What’s that? Doctors don’t wear masks? Ha ha, okay. Then who am I paying in cash only at the truck stop whenever I get sick? You can quit pulling my leg, guys. No, seriously, my doctor says it has aliens in it that know if I talk to the police.

Thanks to Erin for recognizing my deep, undying love of charity.

Salma Hayek filmed scenes in Brooklyn yesterday for her upcoming cameo on 30 Rock. Judging by these photos, they’re going to need to debut the episode in fucking IMAX. Even then people will walk out saying “Needs more screen.” Except me; I’ll be using suction cups to begin my ascent of Mt. St. Boobies until the fire department hoses me down. I’m a film lover.

You probably haven’t been able to take a leak in the past 24 hours without hearing about Brad Pitt taking a photo of Angelina Jolie breastfeeding that would appear in W Magazine. Well, here it is. For those of you who thought it would be hot, two things: 1. It’s for the cover of a national magazine so the chances of seeing a nipple were zero. (Though I could understand an expectation of side-boob.) 2. Breastfeeding involves babies, Darth Pervert. All that aside, what I found interesting was during the interview Angelina admitted Brad encouraged her to get pregnant when she was content with just adopting. Smooth:

“I think one of the life changing things that he did, one of many, is that I was absolutely never going to get pregnant. I never felt that it was the right thing to do. Now I wouldn’t trade that experience for the world. It taught me a lot about life, just the process of it, and now we have three other beautiful children that wouldn’t otherwise be here.”

Wow. So Brad Pitt gets to have sex with one of the hottest women on the planet and what does he do? Turn hers vagina into a gaping baby portal. Jesus. That’s like finally getting a Playstation 3 then shoving a watermelon through it. (I should write analogies for a living.)