Lynne Spears tell-all book Through the Storm: A Real Story of Fame and Family in a Tabloid World is remarkably jam-packed with action for an evangelical book about parenting. Lynne reveals Britney started knocking back booze at 13 and, with her mom’s help, tricked Justin Timberlake into thinking she was a virgin when really Britney nailed a football player at 14. The best part is: Justin fell for it! Oh, man, these Disney kids are dumb. Although, that could just be the drink. NY Daily News has the details:

Alcohol!:
The pop icon took a liking to booze when she was a 13-year-old Mouseketeer and began experimenting with drugs at 15.

Drugs!
By age 16, Britney’s wild-child behavior stunned her family when she was caught with cocaine and marijuana on a private jet, Lynn Spears claims.

SEX!
She admits she allowed her then 16-year-old daughter to sleep with Timberlake, her Mickey Mouse Club co-star, and went along with the hoax that Britney was a virgin. Lynne Spears reveals Timberlake was misled and that Britney lost her virginity to a Kentwood, La., high school football player.

I’m starting to think the title of the book should’ve been Through the Storm - of Shit that I Created Because I Have the Parenting Skills of a Lawnmower. I mean, Christ, what was the point of this thing? Other than to surprise us all that Britney hasn’t stripped naked and hijacked a school bus yet. That was the point? Well then, MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.

Happy St. Patrick’s Day, everybody! Be safe out there and try not to drink too much because I need you bright-eyed and bushy-tailed to give me site traffic in the morning. See? I care. Now to continue celebrating this momentous day. I already started this morning by pouring Guiness on me Lucky Charms. And also me cereal. Hi-yo! Drink responsibly, folks, and remember, stealing a cop’s horse is technically not a form of designated driving. No matter how many carrots you feed it at the strip club which, seriously, I still don’t get.