Angelina Jolie is one step closer to repopulating the planet. She was admitted to a hospital in the south of France today and will soon be birthing her twins: Future Hotness #1 and Future Hotness #2. You can’t tell me those aren’t better names than Maddox and Shiloh. The AP reports:

Nadine Bauer, a spokeswoman for the Lenval Hospital in Nice, says Jolie is fine and that everything is going well. She said the actress’ admittance to the hospital’s maternity wing had been planned for some time.
Bauer said Jolie will almost certainly remain in the hospital until she gives birth.

“She’ll remain in the hospital until she gives birth.” As opposed to what? Getting an epidural then bouncing? “Hey, thanks, everybody. I’ll take it from here. Anyone got a catcher’s mitt?”

Angelina Jolie sat down for a Q&A with Entertainment Weekly where she talked about her new movies Wanted and Changeling. The interview also strayed into Angelina’s personal life where she admitted that being pregnant is awesome in the sack:

It’s great for the sex life. It just makes you a lot more creative. So you have fun, and as a woman you’re just so round and full.

But just in case you think Angelina is all Hollywood with the doing it. She’s still weird as hell and so are her kids:

‘Mad, our 6-year-old, draws lots of war scenarios,” she explains. ”He’s all into war and guns. So for Mother’s Day he drew a machine gun, and Brad had it made into a necklace, which is really sweet. It’s really cute. I think it’s really good!”

A machine gun necklace from a six-year-old. Let me guess: he walked in on the prego-sex? This is why God invented Children’s Tylenol, Angie. “But, mommy, I not sick.” “You are tonight… BRAD, I did my three! Take your pill!”

The big story lately is Brad Pitt buying a shit-ton of artsy furniture for him and Angelina Jolie’s new French chateau. Apparently, people expected them to shop at Pier 1, I dunno. Anyway, after his shopping spree, Brad stopped for lunch, and the restaurant staff “served up” (I After the furniture shopping, Pitt reportedly enjoyed lunch – a tuna burger and two Coke Zeros – in the Art Collectors Lounge. “He looked deep into the eyes of the staff,” his server, Erna Zürcher Lüscher, told the paper. “His charisma is just super.”

Fun fact: I used to wait tables and looking deeply into the eyes of your server while they’re writing down your shit is a one-way ticket to “Holy crap, I just made out with your sandwich.” That said, who the hell orders a tuna burger and Coke Zero? Outside of serial killers and Elisabeth Hasselbeck. I don’t really have any evidence to back that up, so let’s just say it’s true and I’ll give you a real fact at a later date. Possibly before Christmas. 2015.

While our constant vigil of Kim Kardashian’s buttpad raged on, rumors started spreading that Angelina Jolie birthed her litter today. People has the official word from Angelina’s rep that these rumors are false:

“Angelina has not given birth. She is fine, enjoying her home and her family in France,” a rep for the actress tells PEOPLE.

So, in summary, Angelina Jolie did not give birth which means Brad Pitt is, presently, not having sex with her to “kick that baby train into warp speed.” His words, not mine. Okay, you caught me; It was Clooney. Right after I beat him in the Sexiest Man Alive contest. True story.

Kristen Bell loves her some hockey. And on top of that she loves her some hockey players. The hell she’s doing with Dax Sheppard is beyond me. She chatted with NHL.com yesterday and declared her preference for a high-sticker over low-sticker Brad Pitt*:

NHL.com: If you could meet any hockey player, who would you meet and why?
KB: Chris Osgood was my first crush. Brad Pitt be damned, he had nothing on Osgood’s rookie skill and sad eyes. There was actually a day in high school when I wrote on a name tag ‘Mrs. Osgood’ and wore it the whole day. I really thought we were perfect for each other. I’d love to meet him and probably apologize that things never worked out.

Then Kristen made the interview even spicier by talking about herself in a Catholic schoolgirl outfit. [insert sizzling sound here]:

NHL.com: What is your favorite hockey memory?
KB: My parents submitted a picture of me, in my catholic school uniform, with my arms around the Stanley Cup. It ended up on the ticket for Game 2 of the Stanley Cup Semifinals.

Dear Kristen Bell,

I played a lot of Ice Hockey on the NES back in the day - and did I mention Blades of Steel? I’ll be waiting patiently while you strip out of your clothes and lustfully ice skate into my arms.

Yours truly,
The Superficial Writer

*Oh yeah, I went there.

Angelina Jolie confirmed today that she is definitely sporting double fetuseses. She had no choice in the matter after Jack Black accidentally spilled the beans then sang a goofy song with his guitar. Us Magazine reports:

Jolie confirmed the news that has long been rumored: she and beau Brad Pitt are expecting twins. Her Kung Fu Panda co-star Jack Black let the news slip during an interview about the movie that took place this afternoon at the Cannes Film Festival in France.

For those keeping score at home, this brings the Pitt-Jolie’s one baby closer to TOTAL WORLD DOMINATION. Better start brushing up on your Pitt-Jolie-ese. Feel free to practice by translating the following examples. (Hint: Don’t forget to conjugate the verbs.):

1. Baby uterus adopt the ridiculously good looking with the procreate.
2. Monster boobs!
3. Charity UN the fallopian tube Brad pecs.
4. What the fuck happened to Ed Norton’s career?

Answer Key: 1. Please put mustard on my sandwich. 2. Hello! (Formal.) 3. The bathroom is the second door to the left. 4. What the fuck happened to Ed Norton’s career?

Gwyneth Paltrow has been laying low the past couple of years and doing the family thing with husband Chris Martin of Coldplay. But now she’s currently seen in Iron Man which debuted at No. 1 this weekend. While at the LA premiere, she was asked if she wanted to congratulate her ex Brad Pitt on his latest child with Angelia Jolie. Let’s just say, Gwyneth knows how to hold a grudge. Contact Music reports:

Paltrow appeared less than happy to be questioned about her ex at the Los Angeles premiere of her newest film Iron Man (30Apr08). When asked if she had any well wishes to share with Pitt - whose partner Angelina Jolie is pregnant with the couple’s second child - the Shakespeare In Love star declared, “No!”

You gotta feel kind of sorry for Gwyneth. It must suck to have an ex who’s trying to repopulate the planet. In the meantime, here’s hoping for some more clever responses:

Baby 4: “I hope her uterus explodes.”
Baby 17: “STOP ASKING ME!” *strangles reporter with microphone*
Baby 21: “I joined Lindsay Lohan’s prison gang. Fiery V’s for life! Now hand over those smokes, or Gwyn Gwyn go ’slicey slice.’”
Baby 47: “How beautiful. Flowers for Jesus?”
Baby 276: “Gwyn-bot computes Angelina is a skank. Beep boo bop.”

Jennifer Aniston and Angelina Jolie were supposed to have a little sit down to ease the tension between the two and bring some closure to the fact that Brad ditched Jen to repopulate the planet with Angelina. The sit down was scheduled before the Night Before party in Beverly Hills on Saturday, but Angie bailed at the last minute. Author Robert Greene of “The 48 Laws of Power” gives Us Weekly his analysis:

“If Angelina is trying to get under Jen’s skin – push her buttons – this is a clever way to do it,” Greene adds.
“Imagine you’re in Jen’s shoes,” he says. “You’re worried about Angelina showing up. And she never does. It’s infuriating. If intentional, it’s definitely a power move.”

Maybe Angelina Jolie, being the humanitarian that she is, didn’t want to rub in the fact that she has a fully functioning reproductive system and Jennifer Aniston will die barren and alone. I mean, that sounds considerate. Or Angelina could just be a total bitch and wanted to screw with Jen’s head. Then she went home and wrote about her in her slambook while Brad braided her hair. Yeah, all that stuff.

Alright, let’s get into the insanity that was this weekend. Before we jump into the Oscar aftermath, the Independent Spirit Awards also went down. They’re kind of like the Oscars but everyone stands around talking about their odorless bowel movements. I’m telling you, it’s a miracle of science. Anyway, Angelina Jolie picked the Spirit Awards as the venue to show off her protruding stomach. I’m no doctor but I’m pretty sure that’s a baby in there. By my calculations there’ll be roughly two Pitt-Jolies to every one Normie (that’s us) by 2020. As long as the females look like Angelina, I embrace this future. I will also simultaneously unembrace pants.

Angelina Jolie’s brother James Haven attended the premiere of Beowulf last night in Los Angeles. Honest to God, they should’ve gotten this guy to play the Joker because he has the freakiest goddamn face I have ever seen. Can you imagine what it’s like for Brad Pitt when this dude comes over for dinner?

[Scene: The Pitt-Jolie dining room table. Angelina is tending to the children, while Brad and James sit and eat.]

James: Brad, I bet your soul tastes delicious.

Brad: Huh? What did you just say?

James: Oh, nothing. Just the peas are delicious. Like your soul.

Brad: Did you just, no, did you just say my soul is delicious?

James: Angie, dear, this dinner is simply wonderful. Almost as good as that time we made love in a canoe.

Brad: Gets up. You motherfu–

James: Jumps to his feet. Oh, Lord, yes! Pretend I’m Edward Norton in Fight Club and I just bought a tea cozy from Ikea! Oooh, I’m a naughty, naughty consumer of goods. Punish me before I get a Discover card!

Brad: Shakes his head. Why do I agree to these dinners? The sex isn’t that good.

James: Maybe it’d be if you were related! Zing! God, aren’t I to die for? No, but, seriously, Brad let’s be friends. Now, take off your pants and give me a hug.

Forbes Magazine just released their Celebrity 100 list with the world’s most powerful celebs. They’ve added up annual salaries, web rank, PR rank and TV rank.

Last year Oprah Winfrey earned $260 million for the year! Prisoner Paris Hilton, Lindsay Lohan and Britney Spears didn’t even make the list.

Here is the full list from Forbes: