Quentin Tarantino is reportedly trying to cast Britney Spears in his remake of the 1965 film Faster Pussycat! Kill! Kill! Apparently, Tarantino can’t imagine anyone else tackling the role of a lesbian stripper. Way to dream big there, buddy. The UK Telegraph reports:

Spears’ character murders the boyfriend with her bare hands before taking the girlfriend hostage. The troubled singer will also have sex scenes with another girl before the drama ends in a blood-bath.
Tarantino is in discussions with other Hollywood stars to take the roles of the remaining two strippers.
A source said: “Quentin is convinced Britney will be brilliant. She’s delighted. She thinks it could turn her career around.

This could work. Britney’s playing a psycho lesbian stripper which isn’t too far off from her real-life role as a psycho amateur stripper. You know the type: Hasn’t quite mastered flashing her boobs yet but is aces at flashing the beave. Keep practicing!

Paris Hilton and Britney Spears were recently featured in a John McCain political ad that attacks Barack Obama. Neither of them were asked to participate and were included without their knowledge or consent. Britney’s camp basically said she’s got better things to worry about than who runs for president. (Like how much she loves puppies!) While Paris hasn’t yet seen the ad, she’s definitely aware of it and isn’t thrilled, according to E! Online:

“She’s on tour with Benji [Madden] and isn’t watching television and has not been on the Internet,” said the source. “But she’s already said she’s not too happy about it.”
That’s interesting, since Paris’ parents are big McCain supporters (even contributing recently to his presidential campaign). But it turns out Paris has chosen not to publicly state who she’s rooting for.
“She doesn’t consider herself a political figure, and so she does not appreciate being used in that way,” said the insider. “She’d prefer the candidates just leave her out of it.”

Many are calling the John McCain ad a new low, and I agree. There’s such a thing as mudslinging, Senator McCain, but equating your opponent with Britney Spears and Paris Hilton? Jesus, man, that’s below the belt and straight to the taint. I wouldn’t even do that to my worst enemy. I would, however, throw a raccoon at their face and hope they get AIDS. Just to put things in perspective.

Video after the jump.

Jamie Spears will continue his conservatorship of Britney until the end of the year. The commissioner extended Jamie’s control of Britney’s estate during a hearing this afternoon, but left it open to early termination. (Read: Once Britney can put on her clothes like a big girl, she gets her bank account back.) E! Online reports:

“Regarding the conservatorship of the person, I understand that Ms. Spears is reluctantly agreeing to extend those letters,” Goetz said. “We are extending them until Dec. 31, 2008.”
A status hearing for the extended order has been set for Oct. 28.

My sources tell me Britney’s reluctance was easily won over when her dad promised her a pony. Except after the hearing he said “Just kidding” and took her to the dentist.

Hey, remember this guy? Sam Lutfi a.k.a. Douchebeard McDrugYourDrinks. Well, it turns out the restraining order requiring him to stay 250 yards away from Britney Spears expires today. The order will not be renewed, but Britney’s lawyer issued the following public statement to Douchebeard letting him know what the fuck’s up. The AP reports:

“Britney has made clear to everyone that she does not want to be further harassed or contacted in any way by Osama ‘Sam’ Lutfi, now or at anytime in the future,” Spears’ attorney Samuel D. Ingham III said in a statement to The Associated Press.
“During the temporary conservatorship, the conservators have the power to insure that Lutfi will not harm Britney anymore. If Mr. Lutfi makes any future attempt to contact Britney after the temporary conservatorship has concluded, Britney has made clear she will take all appropriate legal action.”

Did Britney really make it clear she’ll “take all appropriate legal action”? I doubt she knows what one of those words even mean. Here’s a more likely scenario: “If Mr. Lutfi attempts to contact Britney, Britney will take actions including, but not limited to, sticking a bucket of KFC over her head then running into a wall. Britney also reserves the right to say ‘Whoop whoop whoop whoop!’ prior to impact.”

Jamie Lynn Spears will wed Casey Aldridge, the father of baby Maddie Briann (open to debate), this fall and reportedly host the ceremony in her own backyard. Britney will be the maid of honor as part of her final test to prove she has the mental fortitude to not hump a cake. OK! Magazine reports:

“She loves everything about the area where she lives. She’s not going to get married at some luxury resort in the Caribbean or a hotel in Beverly Hills,” a friend of the bride-to-be tells OK!. “Her own backyard with just the people who matter most is more Jamie Lynn’s style.”
And with the wedding approaching quickly, Jamie Lynn is planning to look her best on the big day. “She’s already down to her pre-pregnancy weight,” says the friend. “She has the cutest figure!”

There’s nothing like seeing a young couple on their way to NRA membership and NASCAR-induced domestic violence. It’s like a Disney movie waiting to be made!

Britney Spears is dropping a ton of coin to, scientifically speaking, tighten that ass up. She’s spending roughly $22 grand a month on a personal trainer, nutritionist and dance choreographer. Britney was getting sick of the constant pregnancy rumors, so she decided to do something about it that, surprisingly, didn’t involve flashing her vagina at a Whopper. Wow, she has changed. The Daily Mail reports:

She has also taken on some of Victoria Beckham’s diet tips, eating plenty of steamed fish and snacking on edamame beans. Britney also endures intensive work-outs with Pussycat Dolls’ personal trainer James Van Daff as well as three-hour dance classes six times a week.
The source added: ‘Britney piled on a lot of weight earlier this year. She was so stressed about the custody case and her medication for her bipolar disorder also made her put on weight. She was tired of being flabby and wanted to do something about it.’
Now, says the insider: ‘Britney is so proud of herself because her ab muscles are back. She’s feeling better than she has in ages.’

See? This is exactly what I tell women while I’m waiting in line at Starbucks. If you’re serious about losing weight, just fork over $20 G’s a month. It’s that simple. Otherwise, you should probably let me have your whipped cream, or else your husband will sleep with his secretary. What can I say? I’m an inspiration.

NOTE: Photos link to previous Britney bikini post that my penis is still trying to sort out.

I’d traveled to all four corners of the Earth, and at last, I found her again. This would be our final battle. The killing blow to be delivered by the bazooka I won off an Army colonel in a game of Russian roulette. But, suddenly, there’s a commotion. It’s coming from- from- my pants? What manner of trickery is this? Arousal? How can this be? No no no NO!

“CRUNCH!”

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Britney Spears surprised guests by showing up to the Generation Rescue autism fundraiser thrown by Jenny McCarthy. Nobody knows how or why Britney was there. Until they remembered Jim Carrey sprang for a custom burrito bar. Of course! At that point, everyone quietly nodded as if to say “If I see vulva, I’m throwing elbows all the way to the fire exit.” Us Magazine reports:

As guests like McCarthy’s beau and Charlie Sheen and wife Brooke Mueller made the rounds, Spears, 26, sipped on red wine.
Carrey’s daughter Jane also belted out a few Frank Sinatra and Jackson 5 tunes.
Spears, 26, “definitely looked happy,” a witness tells Usmagazine.com. “She was clapping and smiling a lot.”

What was Britney so happy about? Someone told her vaccinating your children is bad. Awesome! She doesn’t even know what that means! Finally, Britney’s parenting skills were paying off. Then she realized she left Sean in the car with the keys - but didn’t leave a $20 for the Wendy’s drive-thru. Sonofabitch. “This is exactly why banks should let toddlers have debit cards,” she thought while stuffing burritos in her bra.

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Lawyers for Britney Spears and Kevin Federline have reached a settlement in their custody battle. Britney agreed to allowing Kevin full custody of the boys while keeping her visitation intact. More visitation will be granted towards the end of the year, according to TMZ:

The settlement is a huge development because next month’s trial is now kaput. We’re told Brit, grandpa Jamie and K-Fed all wanted to avoid the expense, emotional wear and tear and media frenzy connected with a full-blown trial.

So, hurray! No more batshit court cases, right? Guess again. That’s like saying I’m not made of sexy neutrons. People reports:

“Until the kids turn 18, we can expect in years to come that Britney and Kevin will be back in court,” says L.A. family lawyer Lynn Soodik, who is not involved with the case. “Britney will have a better chance of winning more custody once she regains her health. This is just the end of Round One.”

Round One? Round ONE!? Jesus, this feels like Round One Million. I could lead a long, productive life never hearing about another Britney Spears court case again. Okay, that’s not true. I’ll lead a short, drunk existence that will ultimately end with someone yelling “Hey, you’re not the pilot!” But you guys get the point.

In an exclusive interview with OK!, Kevin's attorney Mark Vincent Kaplan says both Britney and Kevin reached and signed off on a settlement in their custody case today.

Kaplan tells OK!, "At about 8 p.m. PT, a final settlement in the Kevin Federline-Britney Spears custody case was signed. All parties have agreed to the following: Kevin will retain sole legal and physical custody of Sean Preston and Jayden James. Britney will continue to have visitation rights which may increase over time. The agreement will be presented to the court in the morning for approval by the commissioner."

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In an exclusive interview with OK!, Kevin's attorney Mark Vincent Kaplan says both Britney and Kevin reached and signed off on a settlement in their custody case today.

Kaplan tells OK!, "At about 8 p.m. PT, a final settlement in the Kevin Federline-Britney Spears custody case was signed. All parties have agreed to the following: Kevin will retain sole legal and physical custody of Sean Preston and Jayden James. Britney will continue to have visitation rights which may increase over time. The agreement will be presented to the court in the morning for approval by the commissioner."

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Britney Spears is in the studio working on her new album “with a team of top-notch producers and songwriters,” according to her manager Larry Rudolph. He also shared the following insights on Britney’s creative process with People:

“She’s like, ‘I want to go to the studio because I want to have some fun’ and that’s what it’s all about. There’s no schedule, there’s no agenda, there’s no anything. She is just enjoying herself.”
In the studio, “She’s giggly,” he added. “Some days she’ll go in and get nothing done. Some times she’ll just play around a little bit.”

In other words, Britney Spears plays with LEGOs on the couch while an entire team of professionals tries to make it look she can sing. Why do they even invite her to the studio? I’d just call her up one morning and say, “Hey, look, you’ve got an album coming out.” To which she’ll reply: “I love brownies!” And then we’ll watch it climb it the charts. The End.

Britney Spears filmed her video short for Madonna’s Sticky & Sweet tour and it”ll reportedly be shown at the opening of each show. Nothing like giving ticketgoers a chance to flee in terror before you even perform. Very crafty, Madonna. E! News posted the following description of the video:

According to our insiders, the planned “short movie” will take place inside an elevator, where seven cameras will be strategically placed to capture the magic. The scene-by-scene breakdown goes like this:
Britney, partially disguised by a gray hoodie, walks into the elevator. As she starts traveling upward, she seems particularly nervous and anxious. The popster starts pacing back and forth. Then she progresses to kicking and smacking the walls, all frantic-like. She screams into one of the cameras. Then she starts climbing the wall, pulls down her hood and, into another camera, says: “It’s Britney, bitch.”

Riiiight. Because that sounds completely scripted. So basically they’re just following Britney Spears around with a camera. I’m sure the video will have other segments including Britney doing “her thing, y’all”:

Sleeping standing up. Though no one notices even with the snoring.
Challenging the crew to a pie eating contest but failing to mention the pies are made of tacos, Cinnabon and humpback whale. (She wins.)
Trying to open her car door with a handgun.
Trying to open a can of soda with a handgun.
Trying to load her now empty handgun - with a handgun.

Britney Spears fixed herself up last night so she wouldn’t look like, well, Britney Spears in the video she’s shooting for Madonna’s upcoming tour. Her hair has definitely come a long way from the Predator days of yore/January. But somebody has to do something about that crazed smile. You know, the one that suggests Britney eats children. Or, at the very least, puppies - tied to children. With bacon.

Jamie Lynn Spears just squeezed little Maddie Briann out, and already the pimping has begun. Although, everyone knows her mom Lynne sold the photo rights to OK! Magazine the minute she saw the ultrasound. Apparently, OK! likes their baby photos to have that “just out of the uterus” scent. Jamie Lynn also gave an interview for the latest issue that, judging by the responses, was written by at least five publicists and a gaggle of housewives:

On being home in Louisiana:
“Around here, everyone has the same focus. The focus is family, and that’s a good way to live.”

On the delivery:
“They’d told me it would be an eight- to 12-hour labor, and I was ready to have the baby in three to four hours. I had a perfect pregnancy and a perfect delivery. I was very blessed.”

On life with the new baby:
“We get up in the morning, and she gets her little bath. Then I get my bath. We have a routine, and I love routines. I’ve worked one out with her, and we’re happy going about our little life.”

You know what’s always a great idea? Glamorizing teenage motherhood. Awesome. First Juno tried to indie me to death and now this. I can almost smell the pregnancy pacts…

Britney Spears is going on tour with Madonna. But in a safe, videotaped format where concertgoers will be sequestered from her cooch and therefore less likely to demand a refund. People reports:

“Britney is going to film something for Madonna’s show in the next week or so,” Madonna’s rep, Liz Rosenberg, tells PEOPLE.
As for details about what they will be doing – and where it will be filmed – Rosenberg says, “I don’t know. It’s a secret.”

Madonna! Britney! The concert! This summer! Videotapes…

MADGE & VADGE

Be there.

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