Brooke Hogan attended the Bejeweled show last night at Funkshion Fashion Week in Miami, and someone should tell her she’s not at Buckingham Palace. No need to get fancy. That said, I think it’s time we all acknowledge the truth about Brooke Hogan: She’s a centaur. Feels good to say that out loud, doesn’t it?

Brooke Hogan went for a swim in Miami yesterday with her gay roommate and Brooke Knows Best co-star Glenn Packard. Fortunately, Glenn’s used to being attacked from behind, but I bet every once in a while he has to make sure he’s not accidentally giving a manatee a piggyback ride: “Brooke, is that you? It feels like your chin on my shoulder –” ARF ARF! “Fuck, another sea lion. Brooke! Where are you? Oh, crap, she’s beached. I better get up there before they try to harvest her blubber again. She hates that.”

Brooke Hogan stepped out to do a little tanning yesterday outside her Miami apartment. And by tanning I mean she’s making “the marketing team” work overtime. Gotta keep those ratings up. In fact, I’ve obtained an excerpt from Brooke’s VH1 contract that shows just how important her chesticles are:

“IV. Brooke Hogan will agree to prominently display her augmented chest area in the press at least once a week until the airing of the season finale. At such time, Brooke Hogan will pose nude for Playboy magazine who have graciously agreed to airbrush out her penis provided she receive no compensation and does not make eye contact with anyone on the premises. Brooke Hogan will also refuse to cooperate with local law enforcement in the likely event the photographer commits suicide immediately following the shoot. Brooke Hogan will be responsible for funeral arrangements including, but not limited to, providing an assorted cheese tray.”

Brooke Hogan, like any big brother, is concerned about the well-being of her little brother Nick. She spoke to People about Nick’s poor fragile spirit that has me convinced he pees sitting down:

“They had broken his spirit,” Brooke Hogan, 20, tells PEOPLE. “When they put him in solitary, he was on the outs. I was worried about him, and his safety, and his well-being.”
“We get to visit him three times a week like everybody else, but it sucks,” she says. “I can’t just walk over to his room and give him a hug, or talk to him, or confide in him. … At least he’s not locked in hell, basically. And his personality is slowly coming back. I bring that out of him.”

“His personality is coming back. I bring that out of him.” Christ, this family is jam-packed with ego. Seriously, there’s a simple explanation to all this: Nick is surrounded by dudes 24/7 and has long given up any inhibitions about staring at his sister’s rack. I mean, it’s technically not incest if they were put there by science. That’s in The Bible.

Brooke Hogan really hates her mom. A months-old legal document leaked today that alleges Hulk was physically and verbally abusive to his wife Linda. Brooke signed the statement, but now regrets doing so after she “learned all the facts.” She says her mother pressured into signing the agreement, according to People:

Brooke’s rep says: “Brooke Bollea is distressed at the latest efforts by mother Linda to fracture the family. This time they let leak out an old document that Brooke signed filled with exaggerations and fabrications about father Terry’s behavior during the marriage. The months-old document was signed by Brooke at a time when she was upset with her father.”

Brooke is seriously grossed out by her mom’s 19-year-old boyfriend and the two are not on speaking terms. And to drive that home, Brooke then threw her mom under the bus:

“I love my mother, and hope to one day reconcile with her,” Brooke says. “But using kids as pawns in a divorce is awful. Every day my mother resorts to this kind of behavior makes it that much harder for us to ever have a relationship again.”

You know who I want to throw under a bus? The entire Hogan family. Also, I want the bus to constantly spray napalm, lemon juice and really pissed off wolverines. Just like the one I rode to school everyday until my parents realized, “Wait, school buses don’t play Iron Maiden and get driven by a guy in a bear costume.” Of course, by that time I was in college…

Brooke Hogan has been offered the cover of the 55th Anniversary of Playboy. And she’s actually considering doing it! I don’t know why I just used an exclamation mark. Oh, that’s right; I plan on jabbing it in my eye. NY Daily News reports:

Brooke Hogan has been approached to pose nude for the famous men’s magazine, her publicist told the Daily News on Wednesday. And she didn’t say no.
The “Brooke Hogan Knows Best” star, 20, could use a boost for her stagnant singing career. Hogan’s 2006 album “Undiscovered” reportedly sold just 127,000 copies.

Hugh Hefner just heard this news and put down his pipe in disgust: “I never! The day Playboy runs photographs of trannies is the day Hugh Hefner succumbs to senility. I’ll see to this.” He immediately buzzes his secretary: “Get Marilyn Monroe on the line. Also, I’ve pooped again and want to watch cartoons.”

Video of Brooke discussing the photo shoot after the jump.

Apparently, performing in lingerie wasn’t enough for Brooke Hogan. No, she had to continue her promotional tour of cleavage and get her bikini on today with Hulk’s girlfriend Jennifer McDaniel. You know, the one that looks just like Brooke but add 40 years. Anyway, I was almost mesmerized by these pics of Brooke pouring water down her silicone pillows until I came across this shot from behind. Now I know what prison looks like. I’ll be good!

Brooke Hogan performed at a Miami nightclub for the premiere of her new show Brooke Knows Best. Brooke was scantily clad in lingerie and backed up by the Knockout Girls who seem to perform in nothing but bras and panties. So, basically, we’re talking about the greatest musical performance of our generation. (Not counting Brooke.) The Sun reports:

Wearing a burlesque-style outfit, Brooke didn’t leave much to the imagination as her dad looked on from the VIP area alongside new girlfriend JENNIFER MCDANIEL.

I included the video after the jump, and it was definitely filmed on somebody’s cell phone. Which is a good thing. I don’t think I could tolerate Brooke’s performance in high-res. “Keep it grainy,” I say. That way I won’t accidentally see her penis and punch myself in the cornea - with an axe.

These are shots of Brooke Hogan returning to her New York City hotel last night after a busy day promoting her reality show Brooke Knows Best which debuts Sunday. It looks like she brought all her marketable assets to the table. I’m of course talking about her smile and bubbling persona- PFFT! Ha ha ha! I’m sorry, I couldn’t keep a straight face. So, was the braless top a PR strategy to distract from the man-chin? Misson: Accomplished. Until right now - someone throw a brick at my groin.

Brooke Hogan’s new reality show Brooke Knows Best debuts on Sunday, and she’s busting her Adam’s apple promoting the pilot. She did the always stalwart bikini posing in Miami except the photographer got a little too close to her bad side (i.e. the face.) Then Brooke jetted off to New York City to work the talk show circuit where she felt stripper heels were appropriate attire. If you’re wondering how I know those are stripper heels, it’s all about research. Lots and lots of research. So much research that maybe I can’t afford rent and have been living on ketchup packets. I’m a dedicated journalist.

Hulk Hogan revealed to People that he still unconditionally loves his ex-wife Linda - even though she filed for divorce and currently has a 19-year-old kid ensnared in her leather vagina. But Hulk still keeps that torch burning and blames the reality for amplifying their problems. In the meantime, he’s been able to fix his relationship with Brooke:

Hogan says his relationship with Brooke, 20, “was strained for a while” after Brooke learned that Hogan had a brief fling with one of her close friends, a woman in her 30s. “Brooke has gone through a range of emotions,” Hogan says. “She was a little confused about who everybody was, and maybe had misinformation, but right now Brooke understands who I am, and who her mom is, and what’s real and not real. She’s doing real well now.”

Smart thinking, Hulk. You can’t have Linda, so you’ve moved on to her clone Brooke. Sure, her skin lacks the texture of beef jerky, but you didn’t build the world’s largest tanning bed for nothing. It may have taken years and they all laughed at you, but soon you’ll be having burnt crispy sex faster than you can say “We’re moving to Arkansas, brotha!”

Brooke Hogan recently posed for Maxim.com and obviously, there’s been some airbrushing done here. It’s cool, that’s how they roll. But, I’m curious, why not airbrush the chin? I mean, if we’re creating a fantasy where a randy Brooke is stranded on an island, let’s ditch the man-chin and create a believable premise where she’s worthy of rescue/sex in a palm tree. Otherwise, I don’t see myself fashioning a raft for an awkward few minutes night of, “Please don’t look directly at me.”

Brooke Hogan is wisely distancing herself from the PR landmine that is her bleached family. She sat down for an interview in the latest issue of Us Weekly where she talked about no longer speaking to her mom Linda who’s dating a 19-year-old. But Brooke still thinks highly of Hulk and defended him for putting lotion on her bikini ass. However, she remained mum on the moustache buffering that followed:

“I know I’m a grown woman, but it’s like he’s touching an old car,” the singer tells Us Weekly. “He used to change my diaper!”

So that’s it, huh? That’s the secret: changing diapers. Once you change those you have unfettered access to a woman’s nether-regions… Of course! First things first: I need a time machine. Geekologist, stop slathering yourself in fondant and get cracking. In the meantime, I’m going to look up the birth dates of every hot chick I can think of. Anyone know the real names of the Golden Girls?

Brooke Hogan (above with boyfriend Whitey WhitePants) has confirmed that her mom Linda is dating 19-year-old Charley Hill. Hulk also confirmed it on Larry King Live. In a surprise moment of sanity from the Peroxide Bunch, Brooke is really not that thrilled with the news. Especially since she went to school with Charley. These people are amazing. E! Online reports:

“I’m totally freaked out,” she told E! satellite radio personality Michael Yo during a conversation the two had off air.
“I personally don’t like it at all or condone it, but she’s my mom, so I have to show her support.
“I went to school with him. He was a grade under me…Me and Nick know him well. Me and Nick are two years apart, and he was right between us (in school).”

While Linda’s new boyfriend is a disturbing series of events to complement Hulk dating a chick that looks like Brooke, it’s still not the weirdest thing to happen to her. She’ll always remember the time Andre the Giant buried a body under her swingset when she was five. Then she found her birth certificate which, for some reason, listed Frank Arnold Hogan as the name. This explained the penis…

Brooke Hogan was involved in a car accident Sunday on the Bayside Bridge in Florida. TMZ has a copy of the police report while I have a danish:

According to the report, the other car collided with Brooke’s, pushing her into the left concrete barrier wall. Brooke’s car came to rest on the left shoulder, while the other car went back across the bridge and came to rest on the right shoulder. The report indicates that, according to witnesses, the other car was speeding. Florida Highway Patrol reps tell TMZ Brooke was not at fault.

Brooke then went straight home from the scene and, like any good East German shot-putter, blogged on her MySpace profile, according to TMZ. She thanked her brother Nick and the kid he put in a coma for reminding her to wear a seatbelt. Nice! But then she took it down. Aww. Brooke’s probably just embarrassed that her passenger isn’t a vegetable which makes me wish Congress would start cracking down on sibling rivalry. But after I pants my brother at his own wedding next week.

Brooke Hogan continues to spend her days in a bikini, but this time she was joined by her dad and his new girlfriend who, creepily, looks like Brooke. For those keeping score at home: Hulk’s girlfriend has the back tattoo and her bikini doesn’t tie in the back. Brooke has the sunglasses, her bikini ties in the back and she also has HER FATHER’S HAND ON HER ASS! WHAT THE SUPER FUCK?! If my daughter asked me to put suntan lotion on her bikini-clad ass, I’d say “Sure, honey. First, let me just put on my beekeeper’s outfit, knight’s armor, and some rubber gloves. In the meantime, could you be so kind to distract the lifeguard while daddy dives into the deep-end of the pool and, God willing, drowns? Aw, you’re a peach.”

Brooke Hogan continues to spend her days in a bikini, but this time she was joined by her dad and his new girlfriend who, creepily, looks like Brooke. For those keeping score at home: Hulk’s girlfriend has the back tattoo and her bikini doesn’t tie in the back. Brooke has the sunglasses, her bikini ties in the back and she also has HER FATHER’S HAND ON HER ASS! WHAT THE SUPER FUCK?! If my daughter asked me to put suntan lotion on her bikini-clad ass, I’d say “Sure, honey. First, let me just put on my beekeeper’s outfit, knight’s armor, and some rubber gloves. In the meantime, could you be so kind to distract the lifeguard while daddy dives into the deep-end of the pool and, God willing, drowns? Aw, you’re a peach.”