Geri Halliwell/Ginger Spice had a slight wardrobe malfunction yesterday on the red carpet and, hey, these things happens. Except this was at the Children’s BAFTA ceremony in London where Geri apparently felt the need to go commando. I guess she likes to feel sexy around a roomful of kids. Interesting…

Note to Self: Invite Ginger Spice to romantic dinner. “Accidentally” go to Chuck E. Cheese. Let sexy stuff happen. (Side note: If sexiness does not occur, congratulations. You’re getting pepper sprayed.) End Note.

Let me start by saying there are several things I would feasibly believe Nicole Richie possesses:

Pirate ship.
Unicorn.
One Ring to rule them all.
Jesus’ body.

But an ass? C’mon, there’s no way these aren’t Photoshopped. And, seriously, whoever did this, Optimus Prime’s face would’ve looked more realistic back there. You know, provided he was winking and smoking a cigar like Groucho Marx. I’m a helper

Beyonce performed on The Today Show this morning, and I don’t know sign language, but I’m pretty sure I can decipher the message being delivered here:

“Kim Kardashian, it’s on. My ghetto booty vs. your buttpad. Downtown LA. November 29. 6-8 PM. (On account of rain, butt-off will be moved indoors.) Bring a covered dish.”

Again, no sign language expert. But I think I caught the gist.

Video after the jump.

Adrienne Bailon of Disney’s The Cheetah Girls recently had her laptop stolen which contained “nude” photos intended for her boyfriend Robert Kardashian. She reportedly recovered it within hours of its theft at JFK airport, but this story has all kinds of holes in it. Apparently, Adrienne paid a $1,000 ransom to get the laptop back, but never pursued who stole it, according to NY Daily News:

“It’s not a scenario where she purposedly leaked the photos for attention,” Bailon’s rep Jonathan Jaxson told the Daily News on Monday. “We’re pursuing legal action.”
Bailon sent her family to recover her computer while she rushed off to a meeting with MTV, but they never got identification during the handoff.
“They didn’t really want to question it further,” Jaxson said.

So, nobody tried to ID the guy, or maybe I dunno, kick the shit out of him for stealing their daughter’s laptop? Makes sense. While the pics continue to spread across the Interwebs, Adrienne can’t imagine who is doing this, and all I have to say is, you’re surrounded by Kardashians. Food for thought. In the meantime, is a shot of your ass really a good idea when your boyfriend is the brother of Kim Kardashian? That’s probably the last thing that guy wants to see. It’s like sending a chocolate bar to Willy Wonka: “Oh boy, chocolate. Because I’m not bombarded in the face with it everyday or anything…”

NOTE: Pic links to NSFW version featuring Adrienne’s impossibly large butt crack. No, seriously, I’m pretty sure I saw a mountain goat.

Kate Winslet is featured in the latest issue of Vanity Fair and is reportedly pissed at recent comments claiming her pictorial was airbrushed. Her rep issued the following statement to People:

“Kate is furious at suggestions that her body has been airbrushed. She is in terrific shape and what you see is how she looks or she would never have agreed to pose for those shots.”

The Daily Mail brought in an airbrush artist who offered the harshest critique - because it’s true:

The face: ‘There is no real detail in her face. Any detail or wrinkles have been removed. There are no eye bags, contours and smile lines. The whites of her eyes have been cleaned up and are now a really clean, crisp white. I’d say her lips have possibly been made slightly fuller as well.’
The skin: ‘Her skin has generally been retouched all over so she has no lines or blemishes at all. Her skin is completely perfect.’
The hands and feet: ‘There are no wrinkles or lines or veins on her hands and feet and this just is not natural.’
The figure: ‘Her back and lower body have been pinched in to make her look thinner and to give her some curves. Her bottom has been rounded off so it looks nice and pert. I would be very surprised if her bottom was like that naturally. Her thigh appears to have been made slimmer so it appears more toned.’

Okay, seriously, who is looking at these pics and thinking: “Yes, that’s exactly how a woman looks.” (Not counting World of Warcraft fanatics, and everyone who beats me at Halo.) So, c’mon, Kate Winslet, cut the crap. The freaking T-Rex from Jurassic Park looked more realistic. Your ass looks like Toy Story - and I’m talking the first one. Not the shinier second one where Woody gets too cool for the other toys, and I yelled “Stop being a dick!” in a theater full of toddlers.

Olympic athlete and women’s volleyball competitor Kerri Walsh has wisely decided her ass is a veritable weapon in the fight against HIV/AIDS infection. I want everyone to know I’m “behind” this cause. Hi-OH! But, no, seriously, if I make a donation do I at least get to touch the butt and/or bounce a quarter off it? What if I just sort of run past it and graze it with my hand? I’m willing to post date as many checks as it takes to get this thing done. You know, because I care deeply about whatever it is your cause was again. Sea lions?

What your eyes are feasting on above is Victoria’s Secret Angel Alessandra Ambrosio’s last photo shoot before taking a maternity leave from modeling. I included shots of Alessandra shopping yesterday. She’s about six months give or take. The sexy pics are in the latest issue of Arena Magazine and make me realize, “Hey, pregnant ladies need lovin’, too.” So, that being said, The Superficial Writer in his benevolence will now accept sexual propositions from those with child.

Rules: First trimester only. No pregnant dudes from that freaky episode of Oprah. All pregnant ladies must be in the form of Victoria’s Secret model. A “No Laughing at the Wang” form must be signed pre-coitus. No photographs. Laser-proof undergarments provided upon request.

Gisele Bundchen poses for a photo shoot in Malibu with fashion photographer Mario Testino. (Hehe. Testino.) I used to think I had the greatest job in the world until I saw this crew-member diligently working to make sure Gisele’s ass looks magnifico. Truly he’s doing God’s work and shall be rewarded for such in the kingdom of Heaven. Right after I push him off a cliff and steal his identity. Professional ass-pattery, here I come!