Shia LaBeouf will not be charged with DUI after a car accident in July that severely damaged his hand. Even though it was later determined the other driver ran a red light, Shia refused a breathalyzer test at the scene which could cost him his license for up to nine months. The Associated Press reports:

There was “insufficient evidence” to charge LaBeouf with drunken driving, Los Angeles County District Attorney spokeswoman Jane Robison said Thursday. She said prosecutors are mulling charges against two other people involved in the July collision, but could not provide further details.
“Shia is most happy that he will not have to go to court,” said his attorney, Michael Norris.

It’s official: The California Legal System loves Transformers. And, really, who doesn’t? It has cars that turn into robots AND Megan Fox’s navel. I’d let somebody recklessly drive around drunk for that. Then again, I have a drinking problem and the attention span of a caffeinated two-year-old. What was I talking about? Hey, look, I tied my own shoes!

Morgan Freeman was released from the hospital today. He was admitted with several broken bones after flipping his car late Sunday night. People reports:

“I left the hospital today just after 12 noon, Memphis time,” Freeman said in a statement released by his rep to PEOPLE. “I’m doing very well. I feel real good. I just really, I thank the staff at ‘Elvis Presley [Hospital]’ and many, many thanks to my many well-wishers. It’s great to know people care about you.”

Upon discharge, Morgan Freeman repeatedly asked “Where all the bitches at?” Before explaining to a hospital worker: “A dog’s gotta hunt.” God, I can’t wait to get old.

Morgan Freeman is surprisingly jovial after being pulled out of his car by the jaws of life late Sunday night. He’s scheduled to undergo surgery for several broken bones, but is quoted as saying “Pfft. Car crashes are pussy shit.” Okay, he didn’t really say that, but I like to imagine he did with that distinctive tone he uses to narrate documentaries. People reports:

“He has a broken arm, broken elbow and minor shoulder damage but he is in good spirits,” said Donna Lee. “He is going to have surgery this afternoon or tomorrow to correct the damage. He says he’ll be okay and is looking forward to a full recovery.”

Morgan Freeman’s Dark Knight co-star Christian Bale has offered to do whatever it takes to help Morgan get back on his feet. In fact, he’s even pledged to punch his own mother in the face if it’ll help. Doctors are pretty sure it won’t but are afraid of telling Christian and getting headbutted through a window. That shit hurts and these dudes know. They’re doctors.

Apparently it’s Sobering News Day on The Superficial. Morgan Freeman was seriously injured in an accident late last night and is in serious condition at a Mississippi hospital. His car flipped several times after veering off the highway and rescue workers needed to use the jaws of life to get the 71-year-old actor out. Though he appeared to be coherent and even joked with onloookers, according to the AP:

“They had to use the jaws of life to extract him from the vehicle,” McFerrin said. “He was lucid, conscious. He was talking, joking with some of the rescue workers at one point.”
McFerrin said bystanders converged on the scene trying to get a glimpse of the actor.
When one person tried to snap a photo with a cell phone camera, Freeman joked, “no freebies, no freebies,” McFerrin said.

When Oscar-winning actor Morgan Freeman gets pulled out of a massive wreck, you don’t try to take his picture with your phone. You shake the man’s hand, dammit! I’m telling you there’s no such as etiquette these days.

The Superficial wishes Morgan a speedy recovery and not just because I’m afraid to see someone else build Batman kickass shit in the next movie. (But if it ends up being Ashton Kutcher, I’ll kill myself.)

Shia LaBeouf’s crash on Sunday morning turned out to be not his fault despite being freaking loaded, according to the AP:

Sheriff’s spokesman Steve Whitmore says detectives have determined that the other driver apparently ran a red light, and will be also be cited.

Now this is something I wouldn’t want to know if I were Shia LaBeouf. I’d prefer learning a valuable lesson instead of finding out, “Hey, guess what, you’re actually a decent drunk driver who just got nailed by some idiot.” There’s only way that’ll end: Me filling my glove box with Jim Beam and Jell-O and starting an office car pool. Sure, everyone will complain I’m not wearing any pants, but have you seen those gas prices?

Shia LaBeouf was arrested for suspicion of DUI after crashing his pickup into another car early Sunday morning. His two passengers suffered minor injuries while Shia required surgery on his hand at Cedars-Sinai Medical Center. He was booked for misdemeanor DUI at the hospital where no photo or prints were taken, according to AP:

“It was immediately apparent to officers responding on the scene that LaBeouf was intoxicated and he was subsequently placed under arrest,” Wolf said.

And the Disney curse strikes again. Oh yeah, that’s right; Shia was a Disney child star ala Lindsay and Britney. What the fuck do they do to these kids? Promise the parents a boatload of cash as long as their little prodigies down a fifth of Jameson every morning with Michael Eisner? I mean, seriously that, uh, actually sounds kind of awesome. So, who wants to make a baby?

Brooke Hogan was involved in a car accident Sunday on the Bayside Bridge in Florida. TMZ has a copy of the police report while I have a danish:

According to the report, the other car collided with Brooke’s, pushing her into the left concrete barrier wall. Brooke’s car came to rest on the left shoulder, while the other car went back across the bridge and came to rest on the right shoulder. The report indicates that, according to witnesses, the other car was speeding. Florida Highway Patrol reps tell TMZ Brooke was not at fault.

Brooke then went straight home from the scene and, like any good East German shot-putter, blogged on her MySpace profile, according to TMZ. She thanked her brother Nick and the kid he put in a coma for reminding her to wear a seatbelt. Nice! But then she took it down. Aww. Brooke’s probably just embarrassed that her passenger isn’t a vegetable which makes me wish Congress would start cracking down on sibling rivalry. But after I pants my brother at his own wedding next week.

Britney Spears seems to have started a new tradition: Whenever her latest cameo in How I Met Your Mother airs, Britney goes out and rear-ends random people with her Mercedes. Good for her! Of course, some might say Britney is actually honoring an even older tradition: Anytime she gets behind the wheel - SHE FUCKING AIMS TO KILL! TMZ reports:

Brit hit a red Ford Explorer, driven by a lady. No injuries, as far as we know — Britney didn’t even get out of the car. Her bodyguard got out and talked to the other woman.
The red Explorer Brit hit is now following her back to Britney’s home.
Britney was stopped at a light and, for some reason, accelerated when the light was still red, hitting the Explorer stopped in front of her, causing minor damage.

Let’s stop beating around the bush, and just give Britney a bumper car to drive on the freeway. That way people can see the little pole zipping at them and take evasive action. Like diving out the sun roof or using their kid as an airbag. You know, safety stuff.

Nick Bollea (a.k.a. Nick Hogan) was sentenced to eight months in Florida County Jail today after pleading no contest to charges of felony reckless driving. Wow, a book finally got thrown at a celeb that deserved it. Check out the details from People:

In addition to the jail time, which begins immediately, Bollea, 17, was sentenced to 5 years probation, during which he will serve 500 hours of community service, not be allowed to drink any alcohol and have his driver’s license revoked for 3 years.
“I think there is an understanding of what happened, and there is a sense of acceptance of responsibility,” the judge said, explaining his decision. “There is nothing that the court can impose that is close to what John has dealt with or will have to deal with as he moves forward.”
Leaving the courthouse, Bollea’s family did not address reporters. His attorneys did say that Bollea was “happy” with the sentence, and happy that the case was finished.

All I have to say is, Brooke, if you need any comforting, I’m here for you. Back massage, dip in the hot tub, erotic Parcheesi, you name it. I’m here for you like a rock. A strong rock with rock pecs, biceps and rocky good looks carved from, well, rocks. But moving on, I know it must be tough thinking your dad’s money would save your brother, but these things happen. So, please, don’t hesitate to call - or even put on a bikini and drive to my house. You know, to start the healing process. It’s all about the healing.

Two stories in a row about Britney? I was enjoying the long blissful period since that’s happened. But, in all actuality, Britney didn’t do anything out of the ordinary. She just got into her Mercedes and hit somebody on the freeway reminding us that Britney + wheels = OH, GOD, NO! I’M TOO BEAUTIFUL TO DIE! People reports:

According to the accident report, “The collision occurred when the driver of the Mercedes, driving in the #3 lane, in stop and go traffic failed to observe the vehicle directly ahead of her come to a complete stop. She attempted to brake but failed to stop her vehicle prior to colliding into the rear of the Nissan [in front of her].”

Just to emphasize the point of how Britney Spears and vehicles are a ticket to Holy Shit-town, one time she tried to ride a bike, next thing you know, POW! 9/11. True story.

The lawsuit everyone knew was coming was filed yesterday. The Hogans are being sued by the family of John Graziano the young Marine who remains in a coma after being injured in a car crash. John was riding in the the Toyota Supra that Nick Hogan managed to turn into a crushed banana with the help of a tree. And, also, oh I dunno, some booze. The St. Petersburg Times reports:

The suit will seek damages in the millions, said attorney George Tragos, but the exact amount is not known because it remains unclear how expensive Graziano’s care will be. Tragos said the former Marine’s medical bills already exceed $1 million.

Just how injured is John Graziano? Let’s say it’s somewhere between super fucked up and Jesus Christ, they took part of your brain!:

Lawyers today said that a portion of Graziano’s frontal lobe had to be removed because of the crash. He is in a “semi-conscious” state and responds to certain stimuli like heat and touch, lawyers said.

The suit is definitely pointing out well-known facts that Linda Hogan encouraged her son Nick’s reckless driving. And that Hulk also owned the other car that Nick was racing with before he crashed. The driver of that car is also named in the suit. Coincidentally, lawyers also filed a motion that Brooke Hogan should wash my car in a bikini. Or at least they will if they know what’s good for them. *waves donut threateningly* That’s right, son, jelly: The deadliest of the donu - wait, my bad. It’s only peanut butter. Goddammit…

R&B singer Brandy has yet to be charged with vehicular manslaughter from her December 2006 crash that left a woman dead. Apparently, the delay is because authorities have evidence that conclude Brandy may not have been the one at fault. The California Highway Patrol shared some of this information with TMZ that puts the situation in a new light:

A CHP source tells TMZ the woman who died in the car accident involving Brandy actually struck the vehicle in front of her before Brandy made any contact. The law enforcement source says Awatef Aboudihaj, the woman who died, struck the car in front of her — which was going 65 mph, and then slammed on her brakes. We’re told the sudden stop caused Brandy to hit the dead woman’s car.

The woman also had traces of marijuana in her system, according to the LA County Coroner. The city has until Friday to file charges against Brandy before the statute of limitations runs out, but it will be next to impossible to prove negligence on Brandy’s part. Wow, way to dodge a legal bullet by actually being innocent. I usually just flee to Mexico. It gives me an excuse to get out of the house and really find myself (i.e. drink tequila out of a sombrero).

John Graziano, the 22-year-old passenger in Hulk Hogan’s son Nick Bollea’s car the day it crashed, has opened his eyes and is semi-conscious, according to Tampa Bay’s 10 News:

He still can’t breathe without a machine and can’t speak, but recently, he has shown some signs of improvement.
Graziano leaned away from his mother as she tried to touch his face recently, she said.

Awesome. Now Hulk Hogan’s lawyers can get to work investigating why John Graziano’s lack of a seatbelt is a more heinous crime than drag-racing drunk. I even hear the Hulk is trying to pin his divorce on it as well. The only problem is no one has seen the seatbelt since the crash. Though my trusted sources within the Pentagon claim it was last spotted in the mountains of Afghanistan leading an Al Qaeda training camp.

Britney Spears has struck again. Last night she got behind the wheel of her car and accidentally ran over a photographer’s foot. Earlier in the day, Britney had just settled things financially with the driver of her first hit and run in August, only to have it happen all over again. People reports:

Spears, 25, driving her white Mercedes convertible, slowly exits the garage while a mob of paparazzi begin taking photos.

Bulbs flashing, a man in a camouflage jacket is seen falling to the ground near her front left tire while apparently shouting in pain.

Another photographer – “Michael” who works for the Web site Celebrity Babylon – told ABC7 that he witnessed the unnamed man’s foot get run over.

So how does Britney respond to the situation? Aw, you totally guessed it. She bolted:

Spears raises a hand to her mouth in shock and is then seen crying behind the wheel as she leaves the scene without checking on the man’s condition.

Everyone needs to realize that crying and driving away is Britney’s reaction to any type of accident. If she stubbed her toe, Britney would run to her car and drive away. Spill a Frappucino; cue the tears and screeching tires. Why did you think she was crying? Because this is just one more legal predicament to prevent Britney from getting her kid’s back? Ha! You’re funny! Seriously, you should be writing this. She was concerned for her kids. That’s adorable.

Orlando Bloom was involved in a wreck last night. After being cut off, He crashed his vehicle into a parked Porsche. He had two female passengers in the car that were both injured. Check out Orlando’s heroic actions immediately after the crash. TMZ reports:

In video taken immediately following this morning’s accident, Bloom can be seen walking away from the scene, leaving two women — one injured and bleeding — in his smashed-up ride. Nice guy!

After walking down the block, the paparazzi repeatedly advise Bloom to go back to the accident scene and “deal with it,” saying that if he leaves, it could be a hit and run.

Despite Orlando exhibiting erratic behavior after leaving the Green Room in Hollywood, police are ruling out drugs and alcohol as the cause of the accident, according to TMZ:

Police tell us that they did not administer a blood alcohol test at the scene, and would not say if one was given at all. But, they insist he was not under the influence.

So basically what the police are saying is that Orlando wasn’t drunk or high when he left two chicks bleeding in his car. This evidence confirms a theory I’ve long held about Orlando Bloom: He’s a giant pussy. But, let’s be serious for a moment. Orlando, I’m here for you. If you want to take my world-renowned hero classes, the door is always open. But it’s not for the weak. If you’re uncomfortable using your raw sexuality like I do to battle famine, disease and killer robots, you can always check out amateur pottery down the hall. It’s conveniently located next to the ladies room which I hear you’ve been to quite often - to pee sitting down.

NOTE: The above video is of Orlando leaving the Green Door in Hollywood about 15 minutes before the accident.