Charlie Sheen’s done it again. “Bullseye Johnson” has knocked up another wife within just weeks of the wedding. Because nothing bonds a really weird, old actor and the bride who thinks he has money together like an immediate pregnancy. *sigh* OK! Magazine reports:

“Brooke informed me two days ago that very soon we’d be producing our own version of Two-and-a-Half Men,’” recalls the Emmy-winning actor, who is already the father to three daughters, Cassandra, 13, Samantha, 4, and 3-year-old Lola. “That would imply it’s a boy, so until we know, we’ll refer to it as ‘Two-and-a-Half People.’ We’re beyond happy to be new parents together.”

Charlie Sheen knows you can pull out, right? Just sayin’.

Charlie Sheen’s done it again. “Bullseye Johnson” has knocked up another wife within just weeks of the wedding. Because nothing bonds a really weird, old actor and the bride who thinks he has money together like an immediate pregnancy. *sigh* OK! Magazine reports:

“Brooke informed me two days ago that very soon we’d be producing our own version of Two-and-a-Half Men,’” recalls the Emmy-winning actor, who is already the father to three daughters, Cassandra, 13, Samantha, 4, and 3-year-old Lola. “That would imply it’s a boy, so until we know, we’ll refer to it as ‘Two-and-a-Half People.’ We’re beyond happy to be new parents together.”

Charlie Sheen knows you can pull out, right? Just sayin’.

Charlie Sheen and Brooke Mueller (above on their honeymoon) wed over the weekend and Charlie’s calling this his “first real marriage.” He spoke to OK! Magazine and said he’s done talking about Denise Richards - forever. Then, naturally, he spent the next hour bitching about her. For your reading pleasure, the rantings of Charlie Sheen:

He also has made a promise to himself, never to utter Richards’ name in public again. It’s a lesson he admits has taken a long time to learn.
“I’m so tired of talking about her and all her shenanigans,” he said. “It is what it is. I don’t even care anymore. I’m going to take a stand to basically never utter her name publicly again, and I think if that’s known, it will put an end to some of the drama.
“I think it’s no accident that whats-her-face chose this time to do what she did. It’s pretty obvious that Brooke and I, through our actions and union, are moving on with our lives. Perhaps somebody else should consider the same.”

How the hell does Charlie Sheen keep getting women? Are chicks into dudes who love porn, always talk about their ex and throw tantrums about the government controlling us with antibiotics? Because, please, someone tell me before I waste another dollar at the Olive Garden. I could be saving precious cash watching porn at home with Miss Right while wearing a tin-foil hat. It’d be like I was living The Bible almost.

Denise Richards is taking advantage of the news vacuum created by the 3-Day Weekend and opening her mouth to anyone in the press that will listen. This time around, it’s Page Six who has the scoop on Charlie Sheen’s sperm:

Richards claims the e-mails sent to Mueller were fakes: “I don’t want Charlie’s prostitute-tranny-infested sperm. I have two beautiful kids. We’ll leave it at that. I am so over him. He’s the one who can’t move on. He’s disgusting and he’s hit an all-time low.”

And then, like any good divorcee, Denise continued rambling about her interactions with Charlie:

“Last week, I sent Charlie a text message asking him if he’s going to Family Day [for daughter Sam’s school] and letting him know Sam was sick with a cold,” Richards said. “His response was, ‘I hope you and your worthless retarded father get cancer and join your stupid mom. Rot in hell you [bleeping] whore.’ My mom died of cancer. This is what I deal with on a weekly basis.”

I don’t want to call this press barrage brilliant marketing for Denise’s show - because it’s not. I’ve now gone from having zero interest in her show to wanting to break into anyone’s house that’s watching it and drown their TV in the tub. It’s actually a pretty feasible aspiration as long as those five people* live close to each other. Also, I’m not even bothering to stop Denise herself from watching. Are you kidding me? She’s infected with tranny-sperm. Eww! Gross!

*Margin of error +/- 5. But mostly -.

Denise Richards is doing the best she can to promote her new reality show Denise Richards: It’s Complicated but not really, I mean, c’mon, I’m Denise Richards. I once ate a button - yesterday. She’s been on Larry King Live, The Today Show and The View (video after the jump) and has resorted to telling people she can’t support her children unless she does the show. Interesting, considering Charlie Sheen pays her $52,000 a month in child support - that cheap bastard! But that’s not all. There’s alimony! Yay, marriage rocks. Page Six has the rundown:

“Denise gets $52,000 a month tax-free in child support,” a Sheen insider fumed. “Most people in America can figure out how to live on that, but Denise can’t?”
In addition to the child support, Richards got $60,000 a month (also tax-free) for two years in alimony - adding up to a whopping $1.44 million. Richards also gets a chunk of Sheen’s hot sitcom, “Two and a Half Men,” which “eventually will net her up to $25 million,” the source said.

In Dr. Christmas Jones’ defense, people don’t know hard it is to live with that kind of money. I mean, everyday you’re faced with the decision to either A.) bathe in a tub full of rare African blood diamonds or B.) hunt man - the most dangerous game of them all. These are tough choices that, Thank God, I don’t ever have to worry about while I’m siphoning gas out of The Geekologie Writer’s car. Ha ha, tastes like apple giraffe. I swallowed a little. JUMANJI!

Denise Richards may be a walking amalgamation of dumb, but she knows where to find sperm. During her divorce from Charlie Sheen, he claimed that Denise e-mailed him asking for sample of his Hot Shots. In a blatant effort to promote her new reality show Denise Richards: It’s Complicated, she stopped by The Today Show this morning (video after the jump) and dusted off the old e-mail rumor by questioning its authenticy. Fun fact: Denise Richards can neither say or spell any of the words in that last sentence:

That e-mail is not legitimate. It’s a doctored e-mail. I would never send an e-mail to his girlfriend, and, at the time of that e-mail, I was with Richie. If I wanted anybody’s sperm, I’d have asked for Richie’s.”

To which Richie Sambora replied: “I’ve got sperm?” Then he drunkenly drove his kids to school only to wind up in Mexico instead. But, I mean really, what’s more educational than tequila shooters? The answer: Jagerbombs. Ha ha, I love learning.

Charlie Sheen and Denise Richards are in the middle of a heated custody battle. Denise recently filed some documents regarding Charlie’s behavior which Page Six got their hands on:

Pictures of Sheen’s “erect penis” that Richards says he used for his profile on sex sites are also included, which Richards claims he e-mailed to “approximately 30 women.”

“I’d love to give it to you any time,” Sheen wrote to one woman under the screen name “mrjonze55.”

Richards says Sheen even visited gay pornography sites - “which I found even more disturbing because I felt that the boys looked underage.”

Charlie is also very adamant about breast-feeding:

Richards accuses Sheen of punching the headboard of their bed once in a rage, and telling her that by no longer breast-feeding, she was causing their daughter, Sam, to “become retarded.”

“He took a large wedding photo off the wall. He had it placed in our garage. He sawed the picture in half and took spray paint and sprayed ‘the dumbest day of my life.’”

Charlie Sheen tore his wedding picture in half and wrote “the dumbest day of my life” on it. That is freaking hilarious. Oh, it’s disturbed, but, seriously, who does that? Outside of a five-year-old? I can just see him arguing in the court: “Your honor, my ex-wife Denise doesn’t deserve to have custody of the kids, because, well, she’s just a big poop-head. Also she’s super-retarded.” Honestly, Charlie Sheen should be a lawyer. He’d win every case. You just can’t compete with this level of word-play.