Christian Bale is off the hook. London police have been instructed to drop charges that Batman assaulted his mother due to lack of evidence. That loud wheezing sound you just heard was the excited whimper of a million geeks the world over. The AP reports:

The country’s Crown Prosecution Service said in a statement that there was insufficient evidence to afford a “realistic prospect of conviction” and ordered the police not to take any further action in the case.

Christian Bale had the following to say: “I just want to thank all my fans for their unwavering support in this private matter. I’m happy to be vindicated of these, obviously, false allegations. I’m going to celebrating by kicking my own mother down a flight of stairs. Ha! I’m kidding, folks. I’ll pay someone to do it.”

McG sang the praises of Christian Bale who he’s currently directing in the upcoming film Terminator Salvation. Christian had some trouble in the press last week when he was arrested for allegedly assaulting his mother. But McG won’t have any of this poppycock and delivered a ham-fisted defense of the actor at Comic-Con this weekend. Us Magazine reports:

“Christian sets an excellent example in that way,” McG went on. “Just for the record, he is a big hearted, good guy. I’ve worked with a lot of people, and that’s just simply who he is.”
Added McG: “He loves his wife. He loves his child.”

Other things Christian Bale loves according to McG:

Baby Jesus.
Kittens.
Helping old ladies with their groceries.
Christmas morning.
Butterfly kisses. (Both the Bob Carlisle song and the actual act.)

Meanwhile, Christian Bale just fired his publicist. He specifically asked for anybody other than McG to defend him in the press. I mean, seriously, how hard is it to track down Hitler’s Ghost for a comment?

Christian Bale’s sister reportedly asked him for £100,000 (roughly $200,000) to help support her children. When he said “No,” she decided to make some remarks about his wife causing a confrontation that, according to The Sun, did include “pushing and shoving”:

Legal sources told The Sun the women said sister Sharon needed £100,000 to help her bring up her three children. They said Bale, 34, snubbed the plea and a row flared in his suite at the Dorchester Hotel in London’s West End. Welsh-born Bale was alleged to have “pushed and shoved” mum Jenny, 61, and Sharon, 41.
Both Jenny and Sharon are terribly upset over what happened. They did not want any publicity and the last thing they wanted to do was wreck his premiere evening. But they say he bullied them.

Here’s what really happened: Christian Bale’s sister asked him for money. He said “How ’bout a check in the amount of ‘I hate you.’?” She called his wife a “hose beast” prompting him to drive over her face with the insane looking Batcycle above. Then Superman showed up, and they all ate sandwiches. The End.

Christian Bale is reportedly suffering depression from strains in his marriage and the death of Heath Ledger that’s hitting home with The Dark Knight now the biggest thing since sliced bread that lives in a cave. According to a close friend of Christian, his mother provoked him into an argument Sunday evening at the Dorchester hotel where he had booked her and his family rooms for the London premiere. Things got heated, words were said and his mother and sister decided to turn him into the police for being a potty mouth. The Daily Mail reports:

“Things got out of control and he says now he wishes he just left the room. The thing that happened here was that normally Christian would just call a friend and go out to a pub to cool off. But he was literally trapped into this confrontation with his mother and sister because there was an army of fans and paparazzi outside.
“He was feeling the stress, but he didn’t lay a finger on anyone. Instead, he flew off the handle and cussed his mother. He just got very loud because his mother was saying some very outrageous things about him, his wife and his child.”

I guess Christian Bale learned the hard way that simply saying “I’m Batman” won’t automatically end every family argument. Damn, I could’ve told him that after last Thanksgiving. Of course, when I said it, I was naked and holding a pumpkin pie over my head. Not the best execution, but my uncle eventually relinquished the Cool Whip after the cops showed up and made me put some pants on. Way to narc me out, Grandma.

Christian Bale was picked up by Scotland Yard this morning after his mother and sister claimed he assaulted them in his London hotel room Sunday night. Police didn’t arrest Christian for questioning yesterday because of The Dark Knight premiere. Also, he’s not considered a flight risk (Really? Batman?) and the cops don’t quite believe the seriousness of the allegations, according to The Sun:

A source said: “It was a very difficult situation but it would have been wrong to have wrecked the premiere over a complaint which we don’t yet know is founded in truth.”

It’s a probably a simple matter of Christian wanting to sleep in his cape, but his mom wouldn’t let him. So he hung her from the balcony by her ankle and left a note for Commissioner Gordon. Ha ha! Kids.

UPDATE: TMZ is reporting the alleged assault was most likely verbal which apparently you can get arrested for in England. Ah, those wacky Brits. Christian Bale has already been released and his reps issued the following statement: “Mr. Bale, who denies the allegation, co-operated throughout, gave his account in full of the events in question and has left the station without any charge being made against him by the police. At this time, there will be no further comment by Mr. Bale.”

Christian Bale was picked up by Scotland Yard this morning after his mother and sister claimed he assaulted them in his London hotel room Sunday night. Police didn’t arrest Christian for questioning yesterday because of The Dark Knight premiere. Also, he’s not considered a flight risk (Really? Batman?) and the cops don’t quite believe the seriousness of the allegations, according to The Sun:

A source said: “It was a very difficult situation but it would have been wrong to have wrecked the premiere over a complaint which we don’t yet know is founded in truth.”

It’s a probably a simple matter of Christian wanting to sleep in his cape, but his mom wouldn’t let him. So he hung her from the balcony by her ankle and left a note for Commissioner Gordon. Ha ha! Kids.

Every once in a while, it’s nice to see a celeb not act like a complete douche bandit. In this case, Batman himself Christian Bale, who took the time to sign a shitload of autographs for fans that approached him and his wife in Manhattan. Which is pretty badass compared to other superhero actors like, say Tobey Maguire, who’d probably just punch you in the kidney then call Spider-man a fag.