In my haste to pretend the VMAs never happened (Which they didn’t, and I’ll fight to the death anyone who says otherwise.), I somehow managed to completely miss Christina Aguilera displaying her ginormous rack. The Superficial regrets its error and wants to assure our readers we’re dedicated to high-quality boob-related journalism. Now that that’s over with, awwww yeah! Someone call Bob Woodward at the Post. He just got served!

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Christina Aguilera has been confirmed as a performer for the MTV Video Music Awards on Sunday. This will be her first major performance since giving birth to baby Max Liron, according to OK! Magazine:

“I’m very excited,” said Christina about the news, which was announced at a press conference at Paramount Studios in L.A. Refering to her 8-month-old son Max Liron, Xtina said, “This will be his first time watching me perform on television, but only for a little while because he’s not really allowed to watch television yet. I’ll make an exception for the VMAs.”

Britney Spears is opening the VMAs and, word has it, MTV tried to keep Christina Aguilera’s appearance a secret from her to prevent reigniting their long-dead feud. Then again, it wouldn’t be much of a fight considering Christina hasn’t been deemed legally retarded by the state of California, and Britney ate a bowl of wax fruit yesterday. True story.

Christina Aguilera took her breasts out for a walk today while visiting in New York City. Last night she cleverly used infant son Max Liron to ward off paparazzi. I feel sorry for the kid but not because he’s a human shield. The little tyke must sit around all day staring at his parents, thinking “How the hell do I even exist? These two? Intercourse? Ha! I’m adopted. Oh, shit, she’s trying to suffocate me with her chest balloons again. For the last time I’m lactose intoler- help! Oxygen low… Brain cells fading… NASCAR suddenly more interesting….”

Christina Aguilera stopped by Larry King Live last night (video after the jump) to talk about her involvement in Rock the Vote. She recently filmed a PSA where she sings “America the Beautiful” while holding newborn baby Max. Christina just wants people to vote and wouldn’t endorse a specific candidate. She also admitted this is her first time voting in an election and then said some sentimental stuff about her son.

Honestly, I started tuning out when I realized most of the footage was from the neck up which is all well and good. Anytime I see Christina’s ridiculous chest, I weep uncontrollably. I can’t get over the fact that Jordan Bratman touches those things every night while wearing nothing but an Iron Man mask and socks. Who are you really, Bratman? Name yourself!

Christina Aguilera (Above urging you to vote or else Max Liron eats Stars N’ Stripe. Christ, I’ll do it, lady!) defended herself against critics of her nights out to the club. I mean, you try spending 24/7 with Jordan Bratman. Hour after hour of him wearing a wizard hat and playing Oblivion. It would drive Mother Teresa to knock back Jell-O shots. But, of course, Christina paints a different, almost believable picture to Access Hollywood. I KNOW YOUR SECRETS!:

“I spend all day with my son and once in a while if I want to go out and have a mommy-daddy night with my husband, I am more than allowed to do that,” Christina told Access Hollywood.
“They never air [footage] of the paparazzi actually pulling up beside my husband and being like, ‘When is she going to leave the house? I have been trying to get a picture of her for weeks.’”

Dude, she’s lying. The paparazzi talking to Jordan Bratman? Riiiight. I’m pretty sure the paps don’t speak Mole People. I mean, c’mon. Anyone whose mastered the language would be halfway to the Earth’s core by now. Why? For the Mole Gold, genius. Jesus, what do they teach you kids in school these days?

Christina Aguilera is ready for Baby #2 and plans to turn her uterus into a Sasquatch distribution center, according to The Sun:

When asked if she wants more babies, Christina replied: “Yes, absolutely. Absolutely! Motherhood comes very naturally to me. I think a whole new confidence comes with being a mother. I feel very confident and very sexy as a mother.”

And it’s official: Jordan Bratman’s penis shoots not only sperm but diamond-crusted solid gold bars that also fucntion as a Wii. Ha ha! I knew it! Who’s the crazy one now, field of medicine?

Admittedly, I give Us Weekly a lot of shit, but every once in a while they come across an exclusive that knocks my socks (and pants) off. This time the crack reporters have the inside scoop on Christina Aguilera’s bra size. I tried to beat them to the punch, but Xtina’s team took evasive action - by sending Jordan Bratman out to talk to me for five hours about why Kyle Raynor is just as cool as Hal Jordan. (Note: He’s not. Please kill me.) Anyway, here’s the exclusive details on Christina’s jug straps:

In the interview, she also finally addresses the famous growth in her chest that came from breastfeeding.
“It’s kind of hilarious! I’ve never fit into an E-cup before,” she tells Us. “I look at my husband and go, ‘Guess what size this bra is?’ And when I tell him, he’s just amazed. We keep the tags that prove it, to look back for memory’s sake!”

Other things that Jordan Bratman is amazed by:

1. A real live girl actually touched his ding-dong - and he didn’t get cooties.
2. Guillermo Del Toro is directing the Hobbit ZOMG!!
3. That magic lamp he found did have a genie it. Sure, the third wish yielded him a bride, but he regrets wasting his first two wishes on a working Batmobile and a pristine copy of Action Comics #1 - which he foolishly had Dean Cain sign in a Starbucks. Smooth move, Ex Lax!

After a morning of heated political discussion punctuated with my undying love of Jessica Simpson’s breasts, I find it only fitting that I post something we all can agree on: Christina Aguilera and her ability to rule Planet MILF with an iron fistful of MILFy goodness. Here she is getting ready to hit the club last night with her husband Jordan Bratsquatch. I also included shots of X-tina attending the Christian Dior event in NYC over the weekend. Just to emphasize the MILFy-ness that scientists are pretty sure can cure cancer. Or, at the very least, small pox.

NOTE: Does anyone know what egregious sin did Christina Aguilera commit to get stuck with Bilbo Baggins as a mate? Did she pee on the Bible or, even worse, not do the laundry? Please, I can’t sleep at night until I know.

So, I just learned that drinking beer can help lactation which is about the greatest scientific discovery since that guy who put those fizzy things in bottles of Guinness (Excluding the time I choked on one.). According to Page Six, Christina Aguilera is all about making her awesome mammaries more lactalicious and hit up some bars with her hubby Beast Man:

The pop tart, who recently gave birth to son Max, went to Crown Bar in Los Angeles with hubby Jordan Bratman and friends, who had a few rounds before continuing the party at the Chateau Marmont. A source said Bratman, who stayed sober, drove home.

This is fantastic news for gentlemen, like myself, who enjoy picking up single moms at the club. Now I’ve got an easy in to buy one of them a drink: “Excuse me, I couldn’t help but notice your lactation seems a bit low. May I be of some assistance?” Watch out, ladies, I just found your kryptonite…

UPDATE: HELP! The La Leche League is after me! I think I lost them down an alley - ACK! They’re in my house! Ladies, I was only trying to hel - *POP* Oh yeah, that was a testicle. Mommy.

Christina Aguilera’s post-pregnancy mamma-jamma’s of power (above from February) are rapidly shrinking, according to The Sun:

Like countless other celebs mums, the Dirrty star has been quick to shed the pounds after giving birth. Apparently, she has been doing a spot of boxing as well as lifting weights in a bid to get into shape for her chart comeback.

Christina has also taken up swimming but not the healthy aerobic kind. It’s more like the “totally gross I can’t believe I’m out to repeat it” kind:

Her neighbours have reportedly got a little upset with Xtina and hubby, JORDAN BRATMAN, going skinny dipping at their $6 million Beverly Hills mansion because they’re TOO noisy.
One told a US magazine: “They don’t just splash around – they laugh, scream, swear and make sexy noises.”

In the future, scientists will discover this post and point to the above paragraph as the evidence that finally convinced society as whole that God does not exist. Though a small band of rebels will claim that the Lord favors Sasquatch race. They will secretly meet every third Sunday to bounce around a strippers giant breasts before eating beef jerky out of a cooler. Hey - I want in! I’m religious and shit.

NOTE: Photos below link to previous post full of a super lactating Christina Aguilera - at Best Buy! Holy crap they sell stuff there!

Christina Aguilera and her husband Jordan Bratman spent a quiet evening together shopping at Babies R Us last night. Judging by their outfits, they headed home for a night of some kinky role-playing. Christina is, obviously, a 1930’s paperboy who took too much estrogen. While Jordan is, I’m guessing, Frank Zappa’s mutant love child - who he fathered with a three-toed sloth named Cocoa. Married people are weird.

These are stills from Christina Aguilera’s appearance on Ellen yesterday. For those of you who couldn’t sit through the video, here’s the highlights. And by highlights I mean her boobs. I don’t know why I felt the need to spell that out. It’s pretty much a given on this site. I guess sometimes I want to make sure we’re all on the same page. And by the same page I mean her boobs.

Ellen DeGeneres, like any red-blooded man, found herself awestruck by the mammary glands of Christina Aguilera. Christina stopped by Ellen’s show today, and Ellen asked the question that’s on everyone’s minds. People reports:

“You look great. One question: Are you nursing?”
A blushing Aguilera responded: “I guess it’s a little obvious,” and DeGeneres quipped back, “It’s going to be a healthy baby boy.”

But it wasn’t just tits and nipples. It was also about wangs. Notably balloons shaped like wangs as Christina divulged her horribly apropos choice of decorations for her son Max’s bris:

“We are not a very conservative couple,” she told DeGeneres. “For decorations we put up penis balloons all over the place. It was really fun, it was really great.” A stunned Ellen replied: ” “Really, they have penis balloons in a shop … you can just buy them?”

But then Ellen quickly realized her folly. She said the word “penis.” That mammoth-chested bitch tricked her! But before Ellen could react it was too late. She was transported back to her home dimesion - never to return. On that note, Ellen’s show will now be replaced by “The Christina Aguilera Boob Hour.” If you’ll excuse me, I need to set my TiVo and buy a whole lot of maple syrup. Uh, because I’m making waffles. Yeah, waffles…

Super chesty video of the interview after the jump.

Christina Aguilera and her husband Jordan Bratman, King of the Mole People, had a romantic Valentine’s dinner last night at Giorgio Baldi. I’m still baffled these two reproduced. But I think I’ve got this one figured out. Originally, I believed Jordan Bratman shot $100 bills out of his penis. It was probably the most scientific explanation I could come up with. After seeing this photo, I discovered a shocking revelation. That’s not Christina Aguilera. That’s a blow-up doll, my friends. The open red lipstick mouth. Total lack of expression. Inexplicable physical contact with Jordan Bratman. My God, the answer was staring us right in the face. Clever ruse, Bratman, but you’ve been exposed. Forage all the cheese and apple cores you need then retreat back below the Earth’s surface from whence you came.

Christina Aguilera made her first post-pregnancy appearance at a West Hollywood Best Buy yesterday. Wow, lactation is awesome. Even better she had a C-section. You know what means, fellas. Huh? Yeah? But, no, seriously, what does it mean? I know nothing about the birthing process. All my dad told me was that a stork shows up and steals your wallet and testicles. Which explains why he attacked a pelican with a broken beer bottle during my first trip to the zoo. Fortunately he set me in the tiger pit beforehand. He even gave me a raw steak to play with. Love ya, Pop.

Christina Aguilera took the time to say thank you by showing us one of her most important moments of her life the day after the most important. Way to go Christina and congrats. You that Max is going to be one spoiled stylish boy!