Christina Ricci hit the beach yesterday with her boyfriend Kick Gurry. Kick? Note to self: Change name to “Chop Samson.” Purchase water-bed, five barrels of Cool Whip, cape. Prepare for all the sex with Christina Ricci. End note.

Addendum: Keep an eye out for The Geekologie Writer a.k.a. “Donkey-Punch Gusterson.”

Tila Tequila’s marketing bra was on overdrive during the MTV Movie Awards this weekend. One of the main criticisms of her show A Shot at Love was that, hey, guess what, Tila’s not really a bisexual. With her second season in progress, she’s working her face off to trick people into believing she’s bisexual. At the Movie Awards Tila offered up her advice to lesbian couple Lindsay Lohan and Samantha Ronson, according to Us Magazine:

“I think that the fact that everyone knows about it makes it fine,” she told Usmagazine.com at the MTV Movie Awards in Universal City, CA Sunday.
Her advice for the clandestine couple?
“Just go all out with it!” she said. “If you’re going to do something, do it all out.”

And if that wasn’t enough. Tila then did a leprechaun bounce over to the Extra reporters and professed her love for Christina Ricci:

“I love Christina Ricci,” she reveals to Extra. “She’s really hot and I think she looks kind of odd like me…I fell in love with her when I saw Black Snake Moon. She was naked in that one. I kind of drooled over her naked scenes…”

You know who drools over Christina Ricci? Non-bisexuals. Holy crap, I rest my case. Once again, another decisive battle in the age-old struggle of science versus crazy non-lesbian elf stripper. Onward to victory!

Christina Ricci, like most of the civilized world, wants Jessica Biel’s butt and she’s shouting it from the rooftops. Or People Magazine, if you want to argue over semantics:

“I asked my trainer, ‘Can you give me Jessica Biel’s butt?’” the actress – who starred with Biel’s beau Timberlake in last year’s Black Snake Moan – tells the U.K. edition of Elle. “I want a bigger butt.”
Alas, because of her tiny frame, “they said I couldn’t,” she laments. “Everyone wants what they can’t have!”

Christina Ricci, I, too want Jessica Biel’s ass. Mostly for haberdashery purposes, but we should get together sometime and compare notes. Perhaps over coffee or, oh, I dunno, my bathtub. Why not both? Just don’t laugh at my shower cap and scald my nips off with French Roast.

Christina Ricci attended the premiere of her new movie Penelope last night in LA. What I admire most about Christina Ricci is how she balances her acting career with her sacred duties to bake fresh batches of E.L. Fudge’s every night in a tree. I tried to find that tree once but gave up after a bear ate my Indian guide’s arm. In hindsight, maybe I shouldn’t have sprayed the chief with honey then kicked a sleeping bear in the stomach. Live and learn, I guess.

NOTE: I like how Reese Witherspoon showed up to the premiere looking like your mom. Before the show, she probably turned to her stylist and said “Make me look 40 - but with menopause!” Mission accomplished.