Sharon Stone is denying reports she wanted her eight-year-old son to get Botox for his foot odor problem, according to her attorney. Entertainment Tonight reports:

“This week it was reported in connection with Sharon Stone’s custody dispute that she wanted to have her young 8 year-old son undergo Botox treatment at this time for his feet. Sharon Stone never made this statement. It is a complete fabrication,” her attorney Martin Singer tells ET. “Sharon loves her son Roan and only wants the best for him.”

And it’s true: Sharon Stone didn’t suggest Botox for her son’s foot odor. She clearly said LASIK.

Sharon Stone lost custody of her eight-year-old son last week with little explanation as to why - until now. Turns out Sharon Stone has the parenting know-how of a jelly donut. Here’s a snippet of the judge’s ruling via People:

Saying that Stone is “unable to provide the structure, continuity and reliability that Roan needs, and candidly, deserves,” the judge cited examples of Stone’s overreactions, including her incorrect belief her son was suffering a spinal illness and her suggestion of using Botox for foot odor.
According to the papers, “As Father appropriately noted, the simple and common sense approach of making sure Roan wore socks with his shoes and used foot deodorant corrected.”

Nice. Now, don’t get me wrong, Sharon Stone is clearly a goddamn nutbar, but explain to me how airing an eight-year-old boy’s foot odor problem in the media was a smart move. Poor Roan’s about to have an awesome day at school tomorrow: “Hey, Swamp Foot! Saw your mom’s beave on cable last night.” Yeah, that’s not gonna mess a kid up. Also, I can’t believe I forgot to DVR that shit. This is why I need TiVo.

Sharon Stone has lost custody of her eight-year-old son Roan. Her ex-husband Phil Bronstein has had primary custody and a judge refused Sharon’s pleas to change that arrangement, according to Entertainment Tonight:

According to court documents detailing a September 12, 2008 custody hearing, Phil Bronstein “shall have permanent sole physical custody of child. Court finds that Respondent (Sharon Stone) failed to meet her burden of proof and denies Respondent’s (Sharon Stone’s) request for modification of custody. The judge also notes this order is permanent unless there is a change of circumstances.

Jesus. Usually courts side with the mom unless they did something crazy. I wonder what - oh, right, it’s Sharon Stone. False alarm, everybody!

Britney Spears is making a comeback, folks. She’s stronger than yesterday. Her loneliness ain’t killing her no more. And I’m now going to shoot myself for quoting that song. While I load the gun, check out the latest from OK! Magazine on her climb back to the top after getting her ass pumped full of sunshine at the VMAs:

On her mom’s book:
“Regardless of what people might think, Britney isn’t upset about the book,” an insider tells OK!. “After a tough last year, Brit and Lynne have a wonderful relationship again.”

On fighting for her kids:
“Her goal is to regain joint custody of her sons as soon as her dad Jamie’s status as her conservator ends,” a Spears insider tells OK!.

On planning a “traditional” birthday party:
She is organizing a joint affair for her sons to celebrate Jayden’s second birthday on Sept. 12 and Preston’s third birthday on Sept. 14, with the help of her father.
“I want to have a traditional party,” she told OK!. “I have some friends with kids who I am going to invite.”

Wow! Britney’s inviting children to a children’s party? I’m actually impressed. Especially since last year she invited a pack of stray dogs and Michael Jackson. Also, the cake was coconut. BARF!

Lawyers for Britney Spears and Kevin Federline have reached a settlement in their custody battle. Britney agreed to allowing Kevin full custody of the boys while keeping her visitation intact. More visitation will be granted towards the end of the year, according to TMZ:

The settlement is a huge development because next month’s trial is now kaput. We’re told Brit, grandpa Jamie and K-Fed all wanted to avoid the expense, emotional wear and tear and media frenzy connected with a full-blown trial.

So, hurray! No more batshit court cases, right? Guess again. That’s like saying I’m not made of sexy neutrons. People reports:

“Until the kids turn 18, we can expect in years to come that Britney and Kevin will be back in court,” says L.A. family lawyer Lynn Soodik, who is not involved with the case. “Britney will have a better chance of winning more custody once she regains her health. This is just the end of Round One.”

Round One? Round ONE!? Jesus, this feels like Round One Million. I could lead a long, productive life never hearing about another Britney Spears court case again. Okay, that’s not true. I’ll lead a short, drunk existence that will ultimately end with someone yelling “Hey, you’re not the pilot!” But you guys get the point.

Britney Spears and Kevin Federline met yesterday for a private mediation session in an effort to avoid bringing their custody battle to trial. It didn’t work. But, however, Kevin’s lawyer Mark Vincent Kaplan spoke to E! News and says the talks were productive and both sides left happy. There was no mention of whether that involved giving Britney a Happy Meal:

“The mediation didn’t result in an agreement that would avoid the trial set in August… The mood was comfortable, positive and it was a mood that was consistent with opening at least a great dialogue, which is necessary.
“Kevin has had sole legal custody since January. He wants that to become the permanent order at trial, and the visitation to be consistent with what the court expanded it to this week.”

Of course, my sources tell me that part of the reason the talks failed is because Britney kept demanding “custardy.” “Custardy!” she’d cry. “I want custardy!” Realizing things weren’t going as planned on her Etch a Sketch, Britney switched to Plan B: Vadge in the eye. Everyone quickly turned in fear but not Kevin. No way. He wasn’t backing down this time. Not now, not ev - Jumpin’ Jesus it winked at him. SECURITY!

Britney Spears and Kevin Federline met yesterday for a private mediation session in an effort to avoid bringing their custody battle to trial. It didn’t work. But, however, Kevin’s lawyer Mark Vincent Kaplan spoke to E! News and says the talks were productive and both sides left happy. There was no mention of whether that involved giving Britney a Happy Meal:

“The mediation didn’t result in an agreement that would avoid the trial set in August… The mood was comfortable, positive and it was a mood that was consistent with opening at least a great dialogue, which is necessary.
“Kevin has had sole legal custody since January. He wants that to become the permanent order at trial, and the visitation to be consistent with what the court expanded it to this week.”

Of course, my sources tell me that part of the reason the talks failed is because Britney kept demanding “custardy.” “Custardy!” she’d cry. “I want custardy!” Realizing things weren’t going as planned on her Etch a Sketch, Britney switched to Plan B: Vadge in the eye. Everyone quickly turned in fear but not Kevin. No way. He wasn’t backing down this time. Not now, not ev - Jumpin’ Jesus it winked at him. SECURITY!

After yesterday’s decision to allow Britney Spears overnight visits with her sons, the commissioner has ordered that Britney and Kevin meet today at a “neutral, non-court” location to reach a permanent settlement in their custody battle, according to OK! Magazine:

These talks would be very similar to the closed-door mediation sessions that took place during the former couple’s divorce — even more so now that Laura Wasser, Brit’s original attorney in her feud with Federline, has been brought back on the team.

Britney suggested the following locations: KFC, Starbucks or Space Mountain. But she’s, for the children, willing to compromise and meet at Chuck E. Cheese. Provided they take periodic breaks for Skee-ball and lifting up the feet of the animatronic band. Ha ha! Bears aren’t made of metal.

Britney Spears and Kevin Federline were in court today for a custody hearing that actually had a happy ending. Both were seen leaving the courthouse in high spirits. Especially Britney who now has overnight visits with her sons. Unfortunately, she destroyed both their beds using them to slide down the stairs when her dad wasn’t home. What? She doesn’t know how to work the TV. TMZ reports:

Sources tell us Brit Brit, who has been slowly gaining visitation back inch by inch, has made such progress the Commish agreed in court today she’s ready to have sons Jayden James and Sean Preston with her overnight. We hear Britney’s parenting coach Lisa Hacker was at the hearing today, and answered several questions from the Commish.

It should be noted that, in an unprecedented legal decision, Kevin was granted permission to arm Jayden with a gun during the overnights. At first everyone gasped, then slowly started nodding their heads when they realized it was actually the greatest idea in the history of law. As for Britney, she just sat quietly and ate paper from a legal pad. “Why doesn’t this taste like bananas?” she thought.

50 Cent is suing Shaniqua Tompkins, the mother of his son Marquise, for defamation. Shaniqua is claiming 50 is responsible for the fire last month that burnt down her house - with her and Marquise in it. But 50 knows how to handle snitches: litigation, son. Get all legal up on that ass. NY Daily News reports:

“There comes a point where you can no longer sit on your hands and listen to her spread these falsehoods,” 50’s lawyer, Brett Kimmel, tells us. “Besides hurting his reputation, they have a damaging impact on their son.”
The hip-hop king (real name, Curtis Jackson) charges that since the fire, Tompkins has refused to let him see Marquise or tell him where he’s living.

I bet I know where Marquise is living. Somewhere non-flammable! Am I right? High-five. But no, seriously, 50 should be allowed to talk to his son. Yeah, he kind of maybe considered Marquise’s life acceptable collateral damage in his battle with Shaniqua over the house, but that doesn’t mean he doesn’t love him. Okay, it does, but you’re missing the point here: The guy burns shit down when he doesn’t get his way.

Michael Lohan has Dina Lohan back in the court this morning after she failed to allow him to see their kids 15 out of 29 times for court-ordered visits. Turns out Dina’s too busy drinking, working on her show and pimping out 14-year-old daughter Meal Ticket. I mean, Ali. NY Daily News reports:

As Lindsay makes for more tabloid fodder with her relationship with Samantha Ronson, Michael accuses Dina of using the singer/actress - and now, Ali - for her own fame and fortune. “When it comes to our daughters, [Dina] has always viewed herself as a manager first, friend second, and mother third. Our younger daughter, Ali … has been cast in a movie and is recording an album. Dina, quite simply, views Ali as a bankable commodity.
“Dina is a wanna-be living off Lindsay’s fame,” says Michael, who has reformed his life after a prison term for attempted assault. Now working as a counselor, he adds, “I gave her everything so I could see my kids.”

Michael also cites Dina’s constant partying which caused her to show up drunk for a family counseling session. Damn, sounds like Dina needs to get her priorities straight. And maybe return that bag of blow she bought for Ali as a Sweet 16 present. Yeah, it was cute for Lindsay but Ali deserves something more unique and appropriate. Like a bottle of gin and Botox. Now that’s precious. But, no, in all seriousness, these kids still have a happy future ahead of them - in the field of axe murdering.

A house that’s in the center of a court battle between 50 Cent and Shaniqua Tompkins, the mother of his son Marquise, suspiciously went up in flames early this morning. Shaniqua is saying the fire was attempted murder and she distinctly heard someone in the house before the fire, according to TMZ:

The lawyer for 50 Cent’s baby mama, Shaniqua Tompkins, tells TMZ that she heard “someone” come into the house this morning at 4 AM, shortly before the fire broke out around a hour later.
Paul Catsandonis, Shaniqua’s lawyer, tells us that his client is “traumatized” by the fire and that the kids are similarly in total shock. Six people, including Tompkins and their 10-year-old son Marquise, were in the house. They all were transported to the hospital and treated for smoke inhalation.

The house was allegedly promised to Shaniqua by 50 until he decided to put her and his son Marquise on the street. The AP reports:

Tompkins filed a lawsuit against 50 earlier this year claiming he had promised her a house more than a decade ago, but that since their breakup, he now wants to evict her and their 10-year-old son from the home.
Tompkins’ lawyer, Paul Catsandonis, told The Associated Press in a telephone interview that the dispute over the house had become “extremely, extremely contentious” in recent days. Although he declined to be specific, he said there was an “extremely dangerous incident” Monday in his Manhattan office while taking a deposition for the lawsuit.

And by “extremely dangerous incident,” Shaniqua’s lawyer meant 50 yelled “Bitch, I’ll burn that house down with you in it at exactly 4 A.M. Friday May 30, 2008. But first, you’ll hear someone break in and shit and you’ll be all, ‘Aw no, what’s happenin’?’ And it’ll be me burning down this particular house in the middle of our highly publicized court battle. But ain’t no one’s gonna know it was me! Ha! In da house. 50 out. The fucks’ the elevator. I hate stairs!”

PEABODY AWARD WINNING POST FOR MOST ACCURATE TRANSCRIPTION OF LEGALESE: THE SUPERFICIAL

Kevin Federline’s lawyer Mark Vincent Kaplan paid a visit to this morning’s The Today Show where he elaborated on Britney’s new custody situation. He also dodged around questions of Britney and Kevin getting ready to make some more Cheetos porn. (Fingers crossed!) Here’s the details via People:

“If you’re going to have two parents participate in the lives of raising their children,” said Kaplan, “there has to be some camaraderie between them for that to be a meaningful expectation and reality.”
But are things better between the ex-husband and wife?
“When you go from where things were, when there was no visitation, to where they are now,” said Kaplan, “there will be some contact … there’d be some ability to exchange a camaraderie that is necessary and a function of co-parenting together.”

Britney and Kevin are definitely getting along - all the way to PhoneSexBurg! A source for Star says Kev and Brit go at it AT&T-style once a week:

While they initially chatted about their boys — Preston, 2, and Jayden, 20 months — the conversation shifted. And as Britney hoped, Kevin knew exactly how to tire her out — with hours of erotic talk!
“They have phone sex often — at least once a week,” an insider tells Star. “The one thing those two have in common is their need for sex, and after they get going, there are no holds barred.”

I don’t know about you guys, but I fully support Kevin and Britney doing it over the phone. Wanna know why? No chance of pregnancy - I think. Hold on, let me call this girl I had phone sex with once. *beep boo bop boo beep* Hey, how are you? Long time no phone sex. Say, you don’t have any kids do you? Uh huh. Your lawyer is tracing this call? Back child support, you say? Uh huh. Well, I had no idea my sperm was that strong. Uh huh. I tried putting a condom on the phone but you sounded like Darth Vader! Okay, tell you what. I’ll get my checkbook and do the honorable thing. Just, uh, give me a sec here.. *runs to Mexico*

Britney Spears has been granted a “graduated expansion” of her time with sons Jayden and Sean, according to Kevin Federline’s lawyer Mark Vincent Kaplan via TMZ’s live feed. It appears to be official that Britney is no longer batshit insane and has demonstrated as much to the court. Kevin still retains full custody of the kids and, at this time, Britney’s visits are still monitored. Though it was hinted that not every visit will be monitored. After Mark Kaplan spoke, Britney’s parents issued a statement declaring their happiness with Britney’s improvement and the court’s decision.

I think I speak for everybody who’s keeping their mouth shut that Britney’s main problem was Sam Lutfi. The dude disappears and suddenly she knows how to wear underwear and speak her own language. That’s a pretty big coincidence. Also she’s no longer sandbagging Adnan, so whatever drugs Sam was given her that makes her fall in love with Middle Eastern-looking men has effectively worn off. Great. Now what do I do with all these turbans?

Britney Spears will do the unthinkable today and actually appear to request more visitation time with her kids. In a stark contrast from the fall, Britney has her shit together and many expect her to get more QT with the chitlin’s. The AP reports:

With that stability and momentum to build on, it would appear Spears’ child-custody hearing Tuesday had the potential for a positive outcome — as long as she gets it together to show up this time. All indications are that she will.

Okay, this is how crazy the whole Britney situation is. And, what I’m about to tell you is a true story: So, everybody has dreams about their work. Well, the other night, I had a dream that Britney and I hooked up. Which isn’t that off the wall, except, here’s the kicker. Brace yourself: I didn’t wake up screaming. Whoa, right? I apologize for totally tripping your mind and understand if you need a few minutes to just sit under your desk and get a grip on reality. Lord knows I did…

Kevin Federline’s lawyers are arguing that Britney Spears should have to pay his legal bills, but Kevin isn’t as poor as he makes it sound. Just recently he tipped a waitress $2,000 on a $365 check. Britney’s new lawyer Stacy Phillips is calling bullshit on the K-Fed, according to NY Daily News:

Phillips told the court commissioner Federline should pay between $150,000 and $175,000 and claimed he omitted his $200,000 spousal- support checks from his earning declarations. Phillips also argued that Federline recently tipped a waitress $2,000 on a $365 bill, and has blown $20,000 on jewelry, phone calls and food while listing the charges as “business expenses.”

By means of scientific deduction, I’m assuming Kevin was at Hooter’s when he left the two grand tip. Those chicks get you every time. I went once for some chicken wings, by the end of the night I bought my waitress a house. I don’t know how she did it. All I remember is she sat at my table, told me I was a really nice guy and BAM! I’m signing a mortage with blue cheese. How did she me coming? Maybe because I spelled “Hot Stuff” on my shirt with hundred dollar bills. Nah, that’s just being suave and debonair. Back me up, ladies.

Jamie Spears must be some kind of miracle worker because his presence has already scored Britney two visits with her kids. Just yesterday Britney had her second visit and the children once again left unscathed. Kevin Federline’s lawyer Mark Vincent Kaplan was even impressed, according to OK! Magazine:

“These visitations with the boys will help to normalize the family environment,” Kaplan told OK!. “Kevin has always been rooting for Britney to regain visitation… and if these visits go well, they will ramp up over time.”
In fact, says the Britney insider, the rumor around the Spears house is that Sean Preston, 2, and 1-year-old Jayden James could soon be visiting up to three times a week.

Seriously, Jamie Spears should negotiate peace in the Middle East. The guy turned Britney Batshit Spears into Susie Homemaker. Jesus Christ is reading all this and going, “Why is that chump making me look like a fool?” But sadly for Jesus, Jamie Spears heard that and ascended into heaven to open a can of holy whoop ass. Whick-a-POW!

Most of you probably are already aware of this, but just in case, Britney Spears visited with her children for the first time on Saturday since January 3. Kevin Federline wanted Britney to have some time with the kids. After two days of tense negotiations, lawyers for each side hashed out a deal. E! News reports:

Aside from Spears and a court-appointed monitor, there were several other key personnel on hand, including: Britney’s father, Jamie Spears; a Federline security guard; and a lawyer from the Luce Forward law firm, which is handling Britney’s conservatorship for Jamie Spears.
According to an insider, the 26-year-old pop star was not permitted to take the boys, ages two and one, into another room without the others watching.

Also present was a blind chimp with a bazooka. It had been previously determined that, in the case of an emergency, if anyone should be left alone with the children, it should be the chimp. Or a box of old syringes. Britney, however, does have one opportunity to be left alone with her boys. But first she’d have to survive a nuclear holocaust and not be within 100 yards of a radioactive zombie. At which point, said zombie will be the children’s primary caregiver. Britney’s lawyer is currently fighting for shared custody with the zombie, but so far, no dice.

This post has everything: For those of you who love your Britney Spears update, I’ve got the latest on her custody battle. For those of you who love her vagina, hey, there she is up top going commando. I’m here for all your needs. Let’s get crackin’. Britney Spears is no longer represented by Trope & Trope and is now the client of high-powered celeb divorce lawyer Stacy Phillips. As Stacy’s first order of business today she botched Britney’s chance to see her kids. Fantastic! TMZ reports:

The lawyers couldn’t agree amongst themselves — so Brit will not get visitation with Sean Preston and Jayden James.
It’s ironic, we know K-Daddy wants Brit to have visitation and the lawyers came to court today trying to accommodate that, but it didn’t happen.

That’s some impressive shit considering today TMZ reported that Kevin Federline wants Britney to have visitation with the kids. He apparently can’t handle having them 24/7:

We’re told K-Fed has no prob allowing the kids to visit Brit at her home, with one string attached - that Brit’s parents are present during the visits.
We hear K-Fed isn’t worried that anything bad would happen to the kids, his biggest concern is that Britney might drive with them, but Jamie would be there to put the kibosh on that.

My sources, possibly imaginary, tell me that Britney’s new lawyer refused to budge on having her client wear underwear around the children. Kevin’s lawyers were specific with their demands that “the boys not return home looking like goddamn Two-Face from Batman.” Britney’s lawyer conceded that acid vadge is a concern, but could not promise the wearing of undergarments. The two sides will convene later today and hopefully reach an agreement that effectively protects the children and, also, Britney’s right to damage their vision.

Sam Lufti gave his deposition yesterday to Kevin Federline’s lawyer Mark Vincent Kaplan. The line of questioning involved finding out if Britney brokered deals with X17 through Sam. It’s been speculated that Sam is on the X17 payroll and Britney was receiving payouts for photos of her day-to-day life including time with the children which violates her custody agreement. Photographer Alison Silva was quoted this week saying Britney calls the paparazzi in advance, according to E! Online:

“Britney is in on it. [She] calls the paparazzi before she goes out. We know 15 minutes before she leaves the house. It’s all staged,” Silva said.

To drive that point home here’s a staged photo of Britney pretending to use a pay phone last night. Conveniently left out are shots of her swallowing two quarters before chewing on the Yellow Pages. Numbers make Britney hungry!

NOTE: Hey, guys, sorry the comments aren’t weren’t working today. We’ve got some people looking into it and should hopefully have this baby back to normal. I’m pretty sure I know what the problem is but Tech Support doesn’t know how to troubleshoot “Criss Angel’s douche magic.”