Here’s Kristen Bell allowing Dax Shepard to slather her bikini body with suntan lotion. Yeah, it’s only spray-on lotion, but I’m pretty sure this is conclusive evidence that either God doesn’t exist or is drunk again. Dax Shepard gets to nail Kristen Bell: HA! Good one, big guy. But, seriously, I’m gonna need those keys…

Kristen Bell has been trying to keep her relationship with Dax Shepard out of the public eye. Some say it’s to maintain a sense of privacy. I say it’s out of shame, utter remorse and did I mention shame? Anyway, the two were spotted yesterday being very affectionate on South Beach. I don’t really see the appeal of Dax Shepard, but I guess chicks dig mediocre acting talent coupled with sub-par looks. Awesome. I’m screwed. Now what am I supposed to do with these granite abs? Besides letting supermodels pay me to touch them.

If you decide to watch paint peel off the wall instead of reading this post, I won’t be offended. Anyway, it appears Kate Hudson is done with Dax Shephard. NY Daily News reports:

“They weren’t working out, and she got bored,” says the friend. “She’s telling people it’s a clean break.”

Uh oh, somebody put Dax Shephard on suicide watch. Aw, too soon? No? The timing is just right it’s just that nobody cares about Dax Shephard? You present a solid argument. I stand corrected.

Fun Fact: I sold my soul to the devil in exchange for granite abs and the ability to fire proton torpedoes from my nads. Yep, he was feeling generous that day. Turns out he’s got a thing for Jessica Biel bikini shots – and oddly enough Zac Efron as well. I have no idea what that’s all about.