Paris Hilton thought up a TV show that will undoubtedly make me pay random strangers to throw an axe at my face. It’s basically The View but hosted by famous celebrities who will address such topics as the paparazzi, career management and, most importantly, girl talk! At last, a show that tackles battling herpes while finding the perfect purse. Never stop dreaming, folks. The Chicago Sun Times reports:

Just imagine Britney Spears, Lindsay Lohan, Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen, Tori Spelling — as well as [Denise] Richards, Hilton and her former ”The Simple Life” co-star, Nicole Richie — together in one big two-hour special sharing ”their side” of what it’s like to be them.
That concept alone reportedly has intrigued a couple of cable channels initially contacted about the concept: Bravo and Lifetime.

In the future, historians wearing jet packs will point to this show’s inception as the apex of civilization’s decline. But then they’ll find themselves addicted to the catty chatter ultimately dooming their own space-age utopia. Don’t believe me? Just spend a good 30 seconds imagining Britney Spears’ commentary on, shit, anything. If within the first 10 you don’t shove your face in the oven, congratulations, you’re a robot. Now fix me a drink, tinny!

Charlie Sheen and Brooke Mueller (above on their honeymoon) wed over the weekend and Charlie’s calling this his “first real marriage.” He spoke to OK! Magazine and said he’s done talking about Denise Richards - forever. Then, naturally, he spent the next hour bitching about her. For your reading pleasure, the rantings of Charlie Sheen:

He also has made a promise to himself, never to utter Richards’ name in public again. It’s a lesson he admits has taken a long time to learn.
“I’m so tired of talking about her and all her shenanigans,” he said. “It is what it is. I don’t even care anymore. I’m going to take a stand to basically never utter her name publicly again, and I think if that’s known, it will put an end to some of the drama.
“I think it’s no accident that whats-her-face chose this time to do what she did. It’s pretty obvious that Brooke and I, through our actions and union, are moving on with our lives. Perhaps somebody else should consider the same.”

How the hell does Charlie Sheen keep getting women? Are chicks into dudes who love porn, always talk about their ex and throw tantrums about the government controlling us with antibiotics? Because, please, someone tell me before I waste another dollar at the Olive Garden. I could be saving precious cash watching porn at home with Miss Right while wearing a tin-foil hat. It’d be like I was living The Bible almost.

Denise Richards is taking advantage of the news vacuum created by the 3-Day Weekend and opening her mouth to anyone in the press that will listen. This time around, it’s Page Six who has the scoop on Charlie Sheen’s sperm:

Richards claims the e-mails sent to Mueller were fakes: “I don’t want Charlie’s prostitute-tranny-infested sperm. I have two beautiful kids. We’ll leave it at that. I am so over him. He’s the one who can’t move on. He’s disgusting and he’s hit an all-time low.”

And then, like any good divorcee, Denise continued rambling about her interactions with Charlie:

“Last week, I sent Charlie a text message asking him if he’s going to Family Day [for daughter Sam’s school] and letting him know Sam was sick with a cold,” Richards said. “His response was, ‘I hope you and your worthless retarded father get cancer and join your stupid mom. Rot in hell you [bleeping] whore.’ My mom died of cancer. This is what I deal with on a weekly basis.”

I don’t want to call this press barrage brilliant marketing for Denise’s show - because it’s not. I’ve now gone from having zero interest in her show to wanting to break into anyone’s house that’s watching it and drown their TV in the tub. It’s actually a pretty feasible aspiration as long as those five people* live close to each other. Also, I’m not even bothering to stop Denise herself from watching. Are you kidding me? She’s infected with tranny-sperm. Eww! Gross!

*Margin of error +/- 5. But mostly -.

Denise Richards is doing the best she can to promote her new reality show Denise Richards: It’s Complicated but not really, I mean, c’mon, I’m Denise Richards. I once ate a button - yesterday. She’s been on Larry King Live, The Today Show and The View (video after the jump) and has resorted to telling people she can’t support her children unless she does the show. Interesting, considering Charlie Sheen pays her $52,000 a month in child support - that cheap bastard! But that’s not all. There’s alimony! Yay, marriage rocks. Page Six has the rundown:

“Denise gets $52,000 a month tax-free in child support,” a Sheen insider fumed. “Most people in America can figure out how to live on that, but Denise can’t?”
In addition to the child support, Richards got $60,000 a month (also tax-free) for two years in alimony - adding up to a whopping $1.44 million. Richards also gets a chunk of Sheen’s hot sitcom, “Two and a Half Men,” which “eventually will net her up to $25 million,” the source said.

In Dr. Christmas Jones’ defense, people don’t know hard it is to live with that kind of money. I mean, everyday you’re faced with the decision to either A.) bathe in a tub full of rare African blood diamonds or B.) hunt man - the most dangerous game of them all. These are tough choices that, Thank God, I don’t ever have to worry about while I’m siphoning gas out of The Geekologie Writer’s car. Ha ha, tastes like apple giraffe. I swallowed a little. JUMANJI!

Denise Richards may be a walking amalgamation of dumb, but she knows where to find sperm. During her divorce from Charlie Sheen, he claimed that Denise e-mailed him asking for sample of his Hot Shots. In a blatant effort to promote her new reality show Denise Richards: It’s Complicated, she stopped by The Today Show this morning (video after the jump) and dusted off the old e-mail rumor by questioning its authenticy. Fun fact: Denise Richards can neither say or spell any of the words in that last sentence:

That e-mail is not legitimate. It’s a doctored e-mail. I would never send an e-mail to his girlfriend, and, at the time of that e-mail, I was with Richie. If I wanted anybody’s sperm, I’d have asked for Richie’s.”

To which Richie Sambora replied: “I’ve got sperm?” Then he drunkenly drove his kids to school only to wind up in Mexico instead. But, I mean really, what’s more educational than tequila shooters? The answer: Jagerbombs. Ha ha, I love learning.

Denise Richards did some professional bikini modeling today while vacationing in Hawaii. She also ended the Battle of the MILF’s, because Heather Locklear just got PWNED! Of course, the real loser here is Richie Sambora. Who no doubt saw both of his former loves then drank himself stupid and drove the kids through Disney World. No, I’m serious, he went right fucking through it. There’s a hole in Space Mountain and Tinkerbell’s probably not gonna make it. Which sucks because now who will give me a boner on my visit? Daisy Duck? Pftt. Right. *looks down* Okay, maybe.

These are shots of Denise Richard learning how to surf in Hawaii while filming an episode of her upcoming reality show. So far this baby has all the ingredients for kickass television. Namely Denise Richards, her chest cannons and a bikini. That’s Emmy gold right there. I’ve said it for years, but The West Wing would still be on the air today had they listened to me and cast Denise as the Secretary of the Boobies. I mean, c’mon, with that level of realism the episodes would’ve written themselves. But, no, I’m just some crackpot who doesn’t wear pants to business meetings. You said it was casual!

Charlie Sheen and Denise Richards are in the middle of a heated custody battle. Denise recently filed some documents regarding Charlie’s behavior which Page Six got their hands on:

Pictures of Sheen’s “erect penis” that Richards says he used for his profile on sex sites are also included, which Richards claims he e-mailed to “approximately 30 women.”

“I’d love to give it to you any time,” Sheen wrote to one woman under the screen name “mrjonze55.”

Richards says Sheen even visited gay pornography sites - “which I found even more disturbing because I felt that the boys looked underage.”

Charlie is also very adamant about breast-feeding:

Richards accuses Sheen of punching the headboard of their bed once in a rage, and telling her that by no longer breast-feeding, she was causing their daughter, Sam, to “become retarded.”

“He took a large wedding photo off the wall. He had it placed in our garage. He sawed the picture in half and took spray paint and sprayed ‘the dumbest day of my life.’”

Charlie Sheen tore his wedding picture in half and wrote “the dumbest day of my life” on it. That is freaking hilarious. Oh, it’s disturbed, but, seriously, who does that? Outside of a five-year-old? I can just see him arguing in the court: “Your honor, my ex-wife Denise doesn’t deserve to have custody of the kids, because, well, she’s just a big poop-head. Also she’s super-retarded.” Honestly, Charlie Sheen should be a lawyer. He’d win every case. You just can’t compete with this level of word-play.

Playboy has offered Pamela Anderson and Denise Richards $1 million to pose nude – together. I’ll pause for a moment and allow the rush of blood to return to your brain. The Sun has the details on the potential boob-sandwich:

“Neither Pam nor Denise has committed yet, but they’re seriously considering it.”
Pammi met Denise on the set of Blonde And Blonder last year, where they became friends.

Someone needs to give Hugh Hefner the Congressional Medal of Honor today. Like right now. Sure Pamela Anderson is looking a bit rough these days, but that’s why Jesus stepped down from the heavens and gave us Photoshop. He bestowed upon us a gift that makes older women with ridiculous breasts look smoking hot. And now Hugh Hefner is using that miraculous gift to put two smoking hot chicks together – with their boobs out. Why didn’t someone tell me church was so awesome?