Ali Lohan and her mom Dina attended the Animal Fair Magazine’s 8th Annual Halloween Pet Costume Party last night.

Based on a true story.

DINA: Okay, Ali, we’re going to a backroom now where you’re going to drink milk out of a saucer while a man hands mommy a stack of cash.
ALI: But, moooommm…
DINA: You will do it! You will fucking do it! They are not repo-ing my Lexus again! I refuse to show up at the country club in a rental! For God’s sake, Ali, I might as well shit my pants on the 18th hole! DO YOU HEAR ME? NOW GET IN THERE BEFORE I TAKE YOUR DOG AND DROWN IT IN THE TUB UNTIL HIS LITTLE PUPPY EYES BURST! AAAAAHHH!
ALI: Jesus. Okay.
DINA: That’s mommy’s favorite. Whiskey’s in my purse to take the edge off. Love you.

Lindsay Lohan slapped on her blogging bra to discuss allegations that her 14-year-old sister Ali has breast implants. In the lengthy diatribe on her MySpace page, Lindsay also surprisingly defends her mom Dina who has the parenting skills of asbestos:

hey everyone..
i just had to share something that came up today and it made me feel a bit sick to my stomach.
so, here’s the visual…
me and my friend Patrick walking into a store, and two paparazzi come up out of nowhere (like usual) and start throwing questions at me…
one of them being, “Hey Lindsay, what do you have to say about people commenting on your sisters implants?”
WOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
my response simply was, “Did you really just ask me that? She is a 14 year old girl, and you are a pedophile!”
i was caught out of nowhere so i didn’t really come up with the proper response at the time.. there’s many other things that i felt like saying, but why give it to a random guy with a camera so that he can make money!
All i am trying to say is, is that, i was raised with a wonderful family surrounding me, of course we have our ups and downs, but all in all my mother taught us to appreciate what we have been given. Nor would she ever encourage, or allow a 14 year old child to alter her body.
i am not judging people that do, but i am just saying that its not something that my family finds necessary to do, especially when you’re not even fully developed yet!
It is hard enough being 14 years old and you have enough insecurities to begin with, then add being in the public eye…
i just find it really disconcerting that people have to focus on the negative and that some people are sooooo bored with their own lives that they need to manifest lies to hurt another person.
in a more positive light…
i got some great clothes from alexander wang and i miss samantha cuz she’s out of town
have a wonderful day everyone~
til next time..
xx LL

“Til next time”? Christ, there’s going to be more?! Excuse me for a second. I suddenly feel the overwhelming urge to fire a bullet into my face. BRB!

Ali Lohan is trying to start an acting career just like her big sister Lindsay. In her haste to get on the silver screen and fund her mother’s gin addiction, Ali attended a casting call for porn director Peter Davy. Granted, he’s getting ready to shoot a mainstream horror film that doesn’t make the situation any less sad and hilarious. TMZ reports:

Ali Lohan’s rep tells us the girl had no idea that Peter Davy was behind such classics as “Breast Wishes 14″ and “Bun Busters 12.” Sources tell us the meeting was actually set up by Ali’s agent.

Dina Lohan is, of course, feigning outrage for the press, but behind closed doors, it’s a different story: “Ali, I know you’re your own person, but Lindsay - God, I miss that little coke mule - would’ve lied about her age and knocked out the rent for mommy. I’m just sayin’.”

Dina and Ali Lohan somehow scored invites to the premiere of Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants 2: This One’s Not Lesbian Porn Either, Sorry!. However, at the after-party Dina decided to be a giant bag of bitch and ended up getting tossed out. E! Online reports:

Sources report that when Dina, Ali and a friend of Ali’s arrived to the after-party, they sat down at a reserved table. A studio staffer politely asked her to change tables, but “Dina “went apes–t,” a partygoer tells me. “It so wasn’t cool.”
So not cool that “Dina was quietly removed” from the rooftop soiree, another source says.

I guess Dina felt she’s entitled to celebrity treatment simply because Lindsay Lohan passed through her birth canal. Shit, you don’t hear Samantha Ronson bragging about it. Show some class, lady.

Michael Lohan has Dina Lohan back in the court this morning after she failed to allow him to see their kids 15 out of 29 times for court-ordered visits. Turns out Dina’s too busy drinking, working on her show and pimping out 14-year-old daughter Meal Ticket. I mean, Ali. NY Daily News reports:

As Lindsay makes for more tabloid fodder with her relationship with Samantha Ronson, Michael accuses Dina of using the singer/actress - and now, Ali - for her own fame and fortune. “When it comes to our daughters, [Dina] has always viewed herself as a manager first, friend second, and mother third. Our younger daughter, Ali … has been cast in a movie and is recording an album. Dina, quite simply, views Ali as a bankable commodity.
“Dina is a wanna-be living off Lindsay’s fame,” says Michael, who has reformed his life after a prison term for attempted assault. Now working as a counselor, he adds, “I gave her everything so I could see my kids.”

Michael also cites Dina’s constant partying which caused her to show up drunk for a family counseling session. Damn, sounds like Dina needs to get her priorities straight. And maybe return that bag of blow she bought for Ali as a Sweet 16 present. Yeah, it was cute for Lindsay but Ali deserves something more unique and appropriate. Like a bottle of gin and Botox. Now that’s precious. But, no, in all seriousness, these kids still have a happy future ahead of them - in the field of axe murdering.

Lindsay Lohan’s penchant for clothing-related kleptomaniacism was revealed when she allegedly stole a fur coat at a night club. Now, another woman has come forward and claims Lindsay wiped out her closet. Model Lauren Hastings, Shia LeBeouf’s girlfriend, posted a video (after the jump) on her website detailing Lindsay’s grand theft halter-tops. Apparently five witness saw Lindsay in Lauren’s closet handing a bodyguard stacks of clothing, according to Inside Edition:

INSIDE EDITION has obtained documents from the Los Angeles County District Attorney’s office, confirming that Hastings reported the theft of her clothing. But the DA’s office declined to prosecute Lohan, citing insufficient evidence.
“I contacted Lindsay and said, ‘Look, I know you stole my clothes.’ She then said I was completely delusional, I was pathetic,” Hastings said.

However, Dina Lohan is denying Lindsay’s a thief and recently told Inside Edition that the fur coat incident is a lie:

A disgusted Dina Lohan says it’s not true, her daughter Lindsay never stole a blond mink coat.
“I talked to Lindsay, we were laughing hysterically on the phone…I mean really, it’s silly,” Dina told INSIDE EDITION.

Okay, considering Lindsay was raised by Michael and Dina, stealing clothes is really a best case scenario. I mean, it could be way worse. I’m just surprised we haven’t find out she was the mastermind behind 9/11. Or even worse: Wrote the scripts for the Star Wars prequels. Someone needs to answer for Jar-Jar, LiLo.

This whole Dina Lohan/Mingling Moms fiasco keeps getting better. St. Michael Lohan already chimed in his two cents to TMZ Tuesday night, but now he’s talking to Page Six about his disgust with Dina’s recognition as a Top Mom:

Michael fumed, “Are you kidding! Top celebrity mom? Look at her off-screen antics, her lack of morals and how she conducts herself. I guess they forgot to mention how this top super-mom leaves her kids alone at night and even parties in their presence. Just wait until we go back to court.
“She comes stumbling out of Butter at 3:15 a.m. with bloodshot eyes and a red runny nose, yelling ‘Oh, [bleep],’ when she saw the paparazzi.”

Dina, of course, commented back to Page Six and then name-dropped her own daughter. These two should get back together. They were made for each other:

“I’ve allowed him visitation once a week, so I don’t understand why he’s doing this. He’s jealous that I got the award. He even called the organizers and tried to talk them out of giving it to me.”
Dina fears that Michael will now try to contact her directly. She says she has a restraining order against him until 2011 she thinks he’ll violate.
“He’s using the media to talk to me,” Dina said. “I’m getting nervous. Lindsay came to town two weeks ago and wanted security guys there in case he showed up. His parole officer needs to see what he’s doing and realize that he cannot address me directly or indirectly. He wears a tracking device and they’ll know if he comes anywhere near me. He’s on a mission to destroy me.”

Someone explain to me how Lindsay Lohan didn’t grow up to become the greatest mind of our generation. I mean, with parents like these, I can’t believe she’s not in Mensa. But, no, seriously, where were the grandparents who should’ve stepped in and found a better home for these kids? You know, somewhere safe like the zoo. Or in an alley with a pack of stray dogs. These children deserve better, dammit!

Mingling Moms is having some serious regrets about honoring Dina Lohan Tuesday night as one of the Top 20 Moms of Long Island. Dina was voted in through an online survey which begs the question, “Who’s letting their wife use the Internet and why are you a terrorist?” The AP reports:

“It just spun out of control,” Mingling Moms president Erica Logiudice told The Associated Press on Wednesday. “The press is welcome to be there — I mean, we want it to be out there. But what they did was they kept badgering me, `Why Dina Lohan? Why Dina Lohan?’”
But Logiudice said the attention around Lohan distracted from the true purpose of the event: to bring moms together for a fun time and raise money for breast cancer research. A portion of the proceeds went to the F.A.C.T. foundation, a Long Island-based breast cancer charity.
“This is such a good thing I tried to do, and I worked for so long on it,” said Loguidice, who said the organization has been getting hate mail on its Web site. “And to wake up and see all this nonsense, it’s just upsetting, you know?”

I want to feel sorry for poor Erica Loguidice, but at the same time, Why Dina Lohan?! I mean, if you were planning this for so long and drawing blueprints, every one knows the logistical symbol for Dina is a bottle of vodka that shoots rockets at small children. That’s Blueprinting 101.

Dina Lohan attended a ceremony last night held by Mingling Moms, a Long Island social networking for mothers, where she was honored as one of the organization’s Top Moms. However, by attending, Dina skipped out on a mandatory visit to her shrink. But, damn, does she love those kids: Cash Girl and, uh, the boy- Petey? TMZ reports:

Her husband Michael told us that she was supposed to be at a court-ordered family therapy session just blocks away at the same time, but she chose to attend what looked more like a bachelorette party than a mothers’ event.
Of course, the same group — Mingling Moms — also gave Jennifer Lopez an award for being a great mom, and she hasn’t been a mom for three months.

I included a video after the jump so you can guys can check out the inner-workings of an event that honors Dina Lohan’s maternal instincts. While the mammoth daiquiris wielded by these mommy dearesteses wasn’t surprising, I couldn’t help but notice the glaring absence of Satan who I assumed would be handing out the awards.

Jesus, Mary and Joseph this news is legit. Dina Lohan will be recognized as a “mother of the year” by an organization whose charter undoubtedly requires a commitment to smoking crack rocks the size of Buicks. TMZ reports:

Mingling Moms, a social networking organization for mothers, is naming LiLo’s mommie dearest one of its Top 20 Long Island Mothers of Celebrities at a ceremony on Tuesday.

It should be noted that Dina earned a spot after a woman who drowned her kids in a tub couldn’t attend. Although Dina had to agree to an immediate hysterectomy and sign over legal custody of her youngest child Cody. To which Dina replied: “Who? Oh, right, Boy-Lindsay. Yeah, yeah. Sure, sure.”

Lindsay Lohan is deeply concerned about her mom’s new reality show Living Lohan. Lindsay is certain that Dina is going to turn 14-year-old Ali (above) into another fiery-vadged booze robot from the planet Slut-u-tron. The Chicaga Sun-Times reports:

According to a longtime Lindsay associate and friend, the star thinks the show has the potential to be ‘‘really toxic’’ and is also convinced Dina’s manipulation of Ali’s career will mess her up — as she thinks her own life has been.
Lindsay supposedly has tried to talk to her sister about all this, but Ali has stopped taking her calls, unless she promises not to dis their mom.

So, I wonder who’s the worst parent: Britney Spears or Dina Lohan? Maybe we should have them compete in a parenting contest. Actually, scratch that. Fucking terrible idea. I forgot that’s the recipe for conjuring Satan. Or is it Dead Baby Gumbo? Either way, let’s let sleeping dogs lie - or, in this case, psychologically damage their offspring so badly that Sigmund Freud would shit a cow. Then claim it’s his mother and have sex with it. That guy was weird.

Michael Lohan is pitching a fit in the media because he’s not seeing his kids. He blames his ex-wife Dina for blocking access to Cody, Ali and Lindsay. He’s mostly concerned about Lindsay because, according to his interview on Showbiz Tonight (video after the jump), she needs a father figure to put his foot down or else she’ll end up drinking all the world’s booze. SWEET NADS OF THOR! We gotta get these two together pronto! A girl needs her daddy and all that shit. Listen up, I’ve got some duct tape. I’m pretty sure it’s flame-retardant. *checks* Yep, we’re golden. Okay, someone needs to make a trail of blow leading into my trunk…

This is a clip of Tracey Ullman’s new show State of the Union where she plays a drunk Dina Lohan. I don’t normally post sketch comedies, but this shit is not only funny but spot-on. The inclusion of Lynne Spears makes it even sweeter. Unlike the real Lynne who generally makes things shittier, or in Jamie Lynn’s case, pregnantier.

Thanks to Alvaro who would drink battery acid before calling Dina a MILF. Stay strong, old chum!

Dina Lohan started filming her new reality show Living Lohan and would have us believe her daily schedule consists of interrupting dance classes in the middle of Harlem. Riight. She, of course, does this while towing around her 14-year-old daughter Ali and her grandmother - allegedly. Poor woman probably was taken from a nursing home screaming “The orange devil’s got me!” Which isn’t far off considering Dina’s days really involve eating infants then beating up homeless guys for change.

Thanks to Ashley who would provide a safe and fire-crotch-free home for Grandma Lohan. In exchange for snickerdoodles.

Jesus’ new best friend Saint Michael Lohan of Assclownia pitched a fit when he found out his ex-wife Dina Lohan is starring in a reality show with their daughter Ali. But, it turns out Michael has been trying to land a TV show of his own. Lucky for us the idea sucks beyond belief and involves Stephen Baldwin. Page Six reports:

“He wants to do a male version of ‘The View’ with [fellow born-again pal] Stephen Baldwin. It’s not likely to happen.” Sadly, Michael’s idea isn’t that original - Dick Clark, Mario Lopez and Danny Bonaduce hosted “The Other Half” for two years before it was canceled due to low ratings.

I believe there already is a male version of the The View. It’s called The View. Oh, snap! Barbara Walters, thine shit hath been wrecked! Seriously, we all knew this day would eventually come, but I had no idea it’d taste so sweet. Mmm, revengey. Also, am I detecting a hint of nutmeg? No, wait, that’s from the condiment shaker I licked at Starbucks to impress that chick from Kinkos. Didn’t work by the way. I’m as shocked as you are.

Lindsay Lohan had reportedly been asked to pose nude for Playboy and recreate Marilyn Monroe’s swimming scene from Something’s Gotta Give. But Dina Lohan set the record straight with Us Magazine:

“That [offer] never happened,” she tells Usmagazine.com. “That would be a no.”

Yeah, because the first round of shots of Lindsay as Marilyn turned out so awesome. Let’s do that again but with the class and style of a Playboy photo shoot. Actually, I’m serious about that. Those guys are airbrush masters. Maybe, for once, I can see Lindsay Lohan naked and say “Yippee!” instead of being bored to tears by her breasts. I mean, that’s just sacrilege. Right, Pope? Pope? Hey, man, put down the Guitar Hero and commit yourself to this joke. Don’t you point that hat at me. Oh, that’s real cute. You bless people with that finger?

Double the Lohan posts, double the fun. That’s what I, well, never say actually. In fact, I immediately regret saying it right now. Moving forward. Dina Lohan is set to premiere her new reality show this summer about her adventures cultivating young 14-year-old Ali’s career. People reports:

“The Lohans are one of the most intriguing families in the entertainment industry today,” Lisa Berger of E! said in a statement. “This is a family that knows how to roll with the punches and come out on top. Dina is an incredibly hard-working, passionate mom that I think our viewers will find both relatable and highly entertaining.”

Dina Lohan is just your normal everyday mom. Now that’s touching. Touching all the way to the bank! High-five! No? Okay, you’re right, pimping out your kids to the Hollywood machine is pretty fucked up - Fucked up all the way to the bank! Ha! Up high! What? Not cool, either? Pssh. Who needs you guys.

UPDATE: Don’t go. I’ll be good. Good all the way to the- Whoa, wait, put down the brick! I bruise easily. Mostly from bricks.

Dina Lohan approved of her daughter Lindsay’s nude photo shoot with famed photographer Bert Stern. Dina felt the photos were “tastefully done” and defended Lindsay to People magazine:

“I respect the photographer as an artist, so I look at them artistically. For him to call Lindsay 46 years later and to say can you recreate these photos is an honor. I looked at it as art, and as Lindsay doing a character. So I don’t look at them like it’s Playboy; she was being a character. So if you look at it that way, you can look at it as a mother…. I wouldn’t have sent my 14-year-old to the set [if the shoot was in bad taste]. And obviously Lindsay wouldn’t do anything with her sister there, that was risqué.”

Because walking around topless in front of an impressionable 14-year-old isn’t risque. Genius. Dina Lohan, everybody: Exhibiting the parenting skills of a wombat since 1986.