Chances are you’ve heard the reports that Shania Twain’s 14 year marriage to producer Mutt Lange is in the crapper. Turns out ol’ Mutt has been seeing another woman, if that’s what you want to call the thing standing next to Shania. (I’m going with “Jabberwocky.”) If that’s not enough, the lady in question Marie-Anne Thiebaud was also a close friend/employee of Shania, according to People:

“Mutt and Marie-Anne left their spouses for each other and are still in a relationship,” says one source, adding that the Swiss employee was a fixture in the household Twain, 42, and Lange, 59, shared with their son, 6-year-old Eja D’Angelo.
“Their two families would vacation and spend holidays together,” says the source. “Shania considered Marie-Anne one of her best friends.”

Wait, that Marie-Anne chick is only 37 yet looks like 42-year-old Shania Twain’s mother? That God is one funny bastard. But, seriously, does draft beer and comic books shoot out of her ears during sex? Because, otherwise, I’m at a total loss here. Or, wait, is Mutt Lange blind? That’s it isn’t it? Dude’s blind. BAM! I should solve crimes.

Denise Richards is doing the best she can to promote her new reality show Denise Richards: It’s Complicated but not really, I mean, c’mon, I’m Denise Richards. I once ate a button - yesterday. She’s been on Larry King Live, The Today Show and The View (video after the jump) and has resorted to telling people she can’t support her children unless she does the show. Interesting, considering Charlie Sheen pays her $52,000 a month in child support - that cheap bastard! But that’s not all. There’s alimony! Yay, marriage rocks. Page Six has the rundown:

“Denise gets $52,000 a month tax-free in child support,” a Sheen insider fumed. “Most people in America can figure out how to live on that, but Denise can’t?”
In addition to the child support, Richards got $60,000 a month (also tax-free) for two years in alimony - adding up to a whopping $1.44 million. Richards also gets a chunk of Sheen’s hot sitcom, “Two and a Half Men,” which “eventually will net her up to $25 million,” the source said.

In Dr. Christmas Jones’ defense, people don’t know hard it is to live with that kind of money. I mean, everyday you’re faced with the decision to either A.) bathe in a tub full of rare African blood diamonds or B.) hunt man - the most dangerous game of them all. These are tough choices that, Thank God, I don’t ever have to worry about while I’m siphoning gas out of The Geekologie Writer’s car. Ha ha, tastes like apple giraffe. I swallowed a little. JUMANJI!

Denise Richards may be a walking amalgamation of dumb, but she knows where to find sperm. During her divorce from Charlie Sheen, he claimed that Denise e-mailed him asking for sample of his Hot Shots. In a blatant effort to promote her new reality show Denise Richards: It’s Complicated, she stopped by The Today Show this morning (video after the jump) and dusted off the old e-mail rumor by questioning its authenticy. Fun fact: Denise Richards can neither say or spell any of the words in that last sentence:

That e-mail is not legitimate. It’s a doctored e-mail. I would never send an e-mail to his girlfriend, and, at the time of that e-mail, I was with Richie. If I wanted anybody’s sperm, I’d have asked for Richie’s.”

To which Richie Sambora replied: “I’ve got sperm?” Then he drunkenly drove his kids to school only to wind up in Mexico instead. But, I mean really, what’s more educational than tequila shooters? The answer: Jagerbombs. Ha ha, I love learning.

(photo from WireImage)
Liv Tyler confirms the recent rumors that her and her husband of five years have split according to People.

“Liv Tyler and Royston Langdon have confirmed their separation. They remain good friends and devoted parents to their son Milo and are requesting that their family’s privacy be respected at this time.”

I really thought they were going to last, guess not.

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Amy Winehouse is literally coming to pieces. She was spotted yesterday looking like the missing link and not wearing her beehive while hanging out with friends. Turns out the beehive conceals a bald spot that is either a.) a by-product of the beehive or b.) the effects of snorting more coke than Keith Richards in a silo full of blow. On top of that, someone is actually having sex with Amy (*HORF HORF HORF*) which is leading to a rapid divorce from her jailed husband Blake Fielder-Civil. Blake, apparently, has his own new lady and is ready to take Amy’s cash and run, according to The Sun:

Blake has been bragging to pals that Amy, 24, will have to pay him a seven-figure sum to get him off her back. He is set to demand at least $3 million as a divorce settlement, telling his lawyers he wants $250,000 for each month of their year-long marriage — despite being in jail for part of it.
A friend said: “Blake is convinced that Amy owes him big time. He is telling everyone that he’s got millions coming to him. She’s his meal ticket for life.”

If you’re asking me, Blake is selling himself way short. He stuck his penis in Amy’s vagina, for God’s sake! I dare you to find me a judge that won’t say Blake deserves at least $20 gajillion dollars - or at least a Wii. I mean, seriously, I don’t know how the guy did it. These pictures alone make me want to pour hot coffee into my retina. I’m sure the drugs helped, but Jesus, there’s only so much out there. Their honeymoon alone probably secured Colombia’s economy until the robot revolution of 2026.

Gary Coleman’s episode of Divorce Court aired today (video after the jump) and there’s nothing like seeing a giant redhead describe the child-like antics of Arnold Drummond. For those of you who missed Monday’s post, here’s how Gary’s wife Shannon describes his temper:

“If he doesn’t get his way, he throws a temper tantrum like a five-year-old does. He like stomps the floor and yells, ‘Meehhhh,’ and starts throwing stuff around. He bashes his head in the wall, too.”

You know who else likes to headbutt? Amy Winehouse. I hear she’s getting a divorce, too. Maybe Amy and Gary can work some rebound magic which, according to legend, will unleash Armageddon. Woo-hoo! Bring on some Four Horsemen, baby!

UPDATE: Okay, my Wii started working again so I’m no longer bored. Can I, uh, get a rain check on that Apocalypse? There’s gotta be a reset button somewhere like the Pope’s butt crack or something. I dunno go way. Mario Karting. Turtle shells are cool!

Gary Coleman’s episode of Divorce Court aired today (video after the jump) and there’s nothing like seeing a giant redhead describe the child-like antics of Arnold Drummond. For those of you who missed Monday’s post, here’s how Gary’s wife Shannon describes his temper:

“If he doesn’t get his way, he throws a temper tantrum like a five-year-old does. He like stomps the floor and yells, ‘Meehhhh,’ and starts throwing stuff around. He bashes his head in the wall, too.”

You know who else likes to headbutt? Amy Winehouse. I hear she’s getting a divorce, too. Maybe Amy and Gary can work some rebound magic which, according to legend, will unleash Armageddon. Woo-hoo! Bring on some Four Horsemen, baby!

UPDATE: Okay, my Wii started working again so I’m no longer bored. Can I, uh, get a rain check on that Apocalypse? There’s gotta be a reset button somewhere like the Pope’s butt crack or something. I dunno go way. Mario Karting. Turtle shells are cool!

This news hit late Friday but, as you guys already know, I mentally check out around noon on Wednesday: Anyhow, Gary Coleman and his 22-year-old bride Shannon Price are already on the outs. The couple will appear on an upcoming episode of Divorce Court set to air later this week, according to the AP:

“If he doesn’t get his way, he throws a temper tantrum like a five-year-old does,” Price says, according to a transcript of the show provided to The Associated Press. “He like stomps the floor and yells, ‘Meehhhh,’ and starts throwing stuff around. He bashes his head in the wall, too.”

Okay, I don’t know about you guys, but that sounds FREAKING AWESOME! Ha ha, seriously, I want to adopt Gary Coleman. Who do I call to make that happen? Sally Strothers? Oprah? Or is this more Madonna’s bag?

"Several years ago I made an error in judgment by inviting the media into the most intimate area of my life.  A month ago I filed for divorce.  The dissolution of a marriage is a difficult time in anyone's life that requires privacy with one's thoughts.  I have committed myself to handling this situation with dignity and grace and look forward to emerging from this period as a stronger and wiser woman."

I wonder if she will claim fraud for the divorce filing, but she probably go with the boring irreconcilable differences. This will probably be interesting than her divorce form The View!

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Love is truly in the air. Beyonce and Jay-Z tied the knot, Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz got engaged and now Sean Penn and Robin Wright Penn are deciding to tough it out and continue growing further unattractive together. The two did not attend their scheduled divorce hearing yesterday and the divorce has been dismissed. The AP reports:

The dismissal came a day after they attended an Eddie Vedder concert at the University of California at Berkeley, where the actor reportedly went on stage to dedicate a song to Wright Penn.

The couple filed for divorce in December and since that time Sean was linked with Sienna Miller and Petra Nemcova. But it looks like requesting a song at a concert never fails to win your true love back and make her forget you banged some chicks half her age while you were “on a break.” Huh. Okay, let’s say you didn’t so much as cheat as your girl as much as you had sex with her sister who had your love child which you hid in the attic: Should I request two songs or am I in mix-tape territory? I want to do this just right. The kid sort of crawled out of the AC vent the other night during dinner. Wow, awkward.

Kevin Federline still has feelings for his vagina-flashing ex-wife Britney Spears. Could there be a reunion in the works? And, God help us all, another offspring down the line? Showbiz Spy reports:

“I still love Britney. She’s the mother of my children,” Federline, 30, said.
And Jamie Spears — Britney’s dad — is even reportedly encouraging the pair to reunite.

Ack! Britney’s dad is trying to make this happen?! WTGDF?! Seriously, if these two get back together you know she’s popping out another kid then going off the deep end. And I was really starting to like how things are now. You know, where I hardly ever see her face anymore. Do you know how hard it is to constantly type Frappucino? I had to hire midgets to move my fingers. True story.

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Robin William’s wife of 19 years, Marcia Garces Williams, filed for divorce last week citing “irreconcilable differences.” That’s lawyer talk for, if she heard one more white rapper impersonation, she was going to circumcise Robin with a toaster oven. Ok! Magazine reports:

The two met when Marcia worked as a nanny for the Oscar-winning actor and his first wife, Valerie Velardi, looking after their son Zachary, now 24. Shortly after his divorce from Valerie, Robin and Marcia tied the knot on April 30, 1989. They have two children, Zelda, 18, and Cody, 16.

Wow, with a story like that, I’m surprised these two crazy lovebirds didn’t make it. It makes you wonder if there’s any hope out there for the rest of us? I need to go to the strip club and do some deep, spiritual thinking. But first I have to tell my girlfriend I’m working late in Japan. That way she’s not suspicious when I come around noon tomorrow all hungover in crotchless samurai armor. I just love her so much, you know?

Let’s say you just won $48.6 million. What would be the first thing you would do? Me? After pissing my pants, I’d run around town throwing hundred bills at squirrels. Then come back under the cover of darkness and kick their asses until they gave it back. As for Heather Mills the first thing she did is hire forensic accountants to pour over Paul McCartney’s assets because, apparently, she can’t get by on $48.6 million. Of course, she’s mainly concerned about her daugher Bea. I mean, how can she raise a child on such meager funds? The Daily Mail reports:

“Heather’s thinking is that Bea should not be seen to have a different lifestyle when she is with Heather compared to Paul - and she is going about proving that is not possible.
“Heather is hoping Paul will discretely make a payment to her annually rather than want to go back to court and rake all this up again.”

I don’t want to point fingers and call Heather Mills a gold digger. But if you opened the trunk of her car you’d probably find a pick ax and, let’s be real, a dead prospector. I’m not saying Heather Mills strangled him for his claim, but I’m also not saying he wasn’t beaten with a wooden leg.

Rick Salomon has agreed that the best case scenario is to pretend his marriage to Pamela Anderson never happened. Neither side is seeking spousal support and vow never to set foot in Vegas again - except to gamble and drink all night! WHOO! The AP reports:

Rick Salomon agrees in papers responding to a filing by the “Baywatch” actress that the marriage should be annulled because of fraud, though neither set of documents elaborated.

I don’t know what these two expected to accomplish by getting married. It’s fucking Pamela Anderson and Rick Salomon, for God’s sake! Did they think magical unicorns would fly through the air trailing rainbows behind them? Everyone knows that only happens when I unzip pants. *ZIP* See? That’s just scie- Bill, watch out! NO! You just got pegasus’d in the skull! Walk it off, Papa Bear! Say, can I have your office? I mean, don’t you quit on me, man! No, for real, I’m just going to start moving my stuff in. LIVE, DAMN YOU! Ooh, a window…

It’s clearly whores and prostitutes week here on The Superficial. Continuing that trend is the one-legged wonder Heather Mills. She’s already bilked Paul McCartney out of $48.6 million and is now trying to cash in even further by auctioning off exclusive interviews. Page Six reports:

One insider said Mills is demanding 1 million British pounds - or slightly more than $2 million - to not only talk, but share intimate photos and tape recordings she made of the ex-Beatle without his knowledge. Mills is also said to be pitching to American networks, which could get around their “we don’t pay for news” proclamations by paying for her pictures and tapes. “She’s greedy,” said a person who knows of Mills’ dealings. “She should just go away, but she loves the spotlight and the attention.”

I guess Heather’s sticking to the trusty habit of opening her mouth then getting paid for it. Ha cha cha cha! But, no, seriously, someone needs to fill this woman’s legs with termites.

Heather Mills apparently dumped water over the head of Paul McCartney’s divorce lawyer yesterday during the court hearing that awarded Heather a ridiculous $48.6 million. Heather was adament about not having the full judgment published which it was and you can view right here! God bless you, Internet. The Daily Mirror reports:

“She’s worried about how the full judgment will make her look if it’s published - and she doesn’t want to go there.
“Her conduct during the divorce is being questioned. She was so angry she tipped a glass of water over Fiona Shackleton’s head leaving her with soaking wet hair.
“Everyone was stunned. That kind of behaviour is just not acceptable.”

Wow, so not only did Heather Mills get paid a shitload of cash for having sex with Paul McCartney. She became violent when she wasn’t getting paid on her terms. Hmm, I believe there’s a word for that also*. What is it again? It’s right on the tip of my tongue. Ah, yes: Superhero.

*For those of you who caught the gag yesterday, link goes right to Ashley Alexandra Dupre. Read: Heather Mills is a prostitute. And for $48.6 million her vagina better be lined with gold and have its own water park.

Madonna and Guy Ritchie may be calling it quits. The two are supposedly agreeing to end their marriage amicably because they’ve simply “fallen out of love with each other.” Guy will have free access to the kids because their was no major falling out between him and Broomhilda Madonna, according to News of the World:

“She has finally made the decision to go to America and has instructed her staff to prepare for the move. Everything will go—except Guy.”
Friends say Madonna, 49, is now in talks with her PR team to see how the move will affect her career, which has netted her a £220 million fortune and secured her as one of the world’s most famous female singers.

I don’t see how anyone could fall out of love with Madonna. I mean, look at her. (Hint: She’s the one that’s not Justin Timberlake.) It’d be like having sex with a freakishly buff blonde Cryptkeeper every night. I’m pretty sure if you looked up “erotic” in the dictionary, that would be the exact description.

UPDATE: Okay, banging the Cryptkeeper is not the definition of erotic. But it should be. Get me Webster on the line. I have some words for him. Ha! Get it? Words. Dictionary. Where do I come up with this stuff? Oh, right, the meth.

I haven’t been following the Heather Mills/Paul McCartney 80-year-long divorce battle because, frankly, anything to do with The Beatles makes me want to go into a coma. However, today a judge awarded Heather Mills a whopping $48.6 million in the divorce settlement, according to the AP:

A document released by the Family Court said the judge awarded Mills a lump sum of $33 million plus the assets she currently holds worth $15.6 million.
“I’m so, so happy with this,” Mills told reporters following the closed hearing.

Clearly you are happy, Heather Mills, judging by your well-deserved thumbs up. You had sex with Paul McCartney then walked away with a gigantic chunk of his cash. I believe there’s a word for that*. What is it again? Oh, right: Hero.

*Click on link for full effect. Please. I’ll be your best friend.

Amy Winehouse’s father Mitch started having an affair with a woman shortly after Amy was born. Amy and her siblings knew about the affair because I guess their dad isn’t exactly James Bond, who knows?. Anyway, Mitch says that when he finally left Amy’s mother, Amy didn’t seem affected at all. But then, surprise, she went totally batshit. People reports:

“The children used to call Jane ‘Daddy’s work wife,’ ” Winehouse says on the program One Life: Rock Star Parents, to be aired next week.
He says her angry song, “What It Is About Men,” refers to his behavior.
“It is easy for me to say it is my fault, and that had I been a better parent this would not have happened. But who knows whether it would or not?” he says.

Okay, Mitch, you don’t have to beat yourself up over it. So your daughter is a gigantic crack-addict with access to tons of cash that will further perpetuate her drug use. And, okay, maybe she’s the laughing stock of the entire Western civilization. But at the end of the day, you raised a talented little girl who, judging by these photos, may or may not think she’s a puppy.