Amy Winehouse’s schizophrenia has kicked back in, and she’s no longer trashing husband Blake Fielder-Civil who filed for divorce after she very publicly had a relationship with “actor” Josh Bowman in St. Lucia. Amy’s still on the island where The Sun caught up with her for an interview. Here’s the crazy Amy spewed when she wasn’t busy trying to figure out how much bourbon equals one crack rock:

On Blake filing for divorce:
“I still love my Blake. I won’t let him divorce me. He’s still in jail but the moment he comes out I’ll be there waiting for him. I love him because he’s just like me. Blake is the male version of me. We’re perfect for each other. I don’t want to go back home to England. I want to wait for Blake here.”

On Josh Bowman:
She said her recent widely publicised fling with rugby hunk holidaymaker Josh Bowman, 21, was just “having some fun” and she “wants Blake and nobody else. Josh was lovely. But it was a holiday thing. I’ve got my Blake.

On banging other dudes:
“While Blake is in jail I’m still gonna have a good time — he can’t do much about it. But once he comes out we’ll be together again. There’s some nice lads here, I am just having fun. I don’t want anybody else because I’ve got my Blake.”

On quitting drugs but still drinking her face off:
“I am not doing drugs and am doing lots of fitness. I’ve started writing songs. I feel great — apart from today. I feel like s**t after a late one last night.”

On rescuing a woman on the beach:
“I thought she was going to drown. All of a sudden she just fell off the boat and was thrown by the sea on to some rocks. I ran down and grabbed her and helped her back to the beach but she was covered in scratches. I might get myself a job as a lifeguard here!”

On constantly hitting up guests for threesomes:
The male guest, who asked not to be named, told me: “As soon as we arrived at the resort Amy was all over my girlfriend. She was telling her, ‘You’re gorgeous. I’d love to **** you. Bring your boyfriend, he can watch’. She was quite clear what she wanted, she was saying, ‘You two can spend the night in my room’. If she had been at all good looking we might have done it.”

Jesus. How do you not stay married to that? You know who would love this story? Children. Get me Disney on the line. Tell them this time I have winner, and it’s way better than my last pitch about the stripper who stole my wallet then got eaten by a reggae-singing bear. - - Okay, almost better.

Amy Winehouse’s husband Blake Fielder-Civil has started divorce proceedings today and is citing “Amy’s adultery” with Joshua Bowman as the grounds, according to People:

Blake Fielder-Civil has instructed a lawyer to file papers. “I can confirm that I have been instructed to commence divorce proceedings on the grounds of Amy’s adultery,” Henri Brandman told PEOPLE, confirming a statement he made to a Sunday tabloid in the U.K.

Man, I wonder what would cause Blake to make such a bold move? It’s not like Amy has been openly running around with a new boyfriend then giving interviews claiming Blake is terrible in bed. Except, oh wait, that’s exactly what she did. Scope out this excerpt from Amy’s interview with News of the World:

“When I’m with Josh I don’t need drugs to feel good because he makes me feel so amazing.” She then leans forward and whispers cheekily: “We just had sex. . . can’t you tell?”
And, in one of the rare moments she ever mentions her husband, Amy reveals: “Blake was rubbish in bed. Do you know what? Almost every time I slept with him it was like I was dead. I don’t know what’s going on with us now and for the time being I’ve just forgotten I’m even married. I’m just here on my own, happy and having a good time with Josh. I’ll deal with Blake when I get back. But our whole marriage was based on doing drugs.
“So being with someone like Josh is much better for me.”

Okay, so maybe in Amy’s road to recovery, she poorly handled her divorce and will pay out the ass to get rid of Blake. A moot point since she’s no longer financing London’s crack market. The important thing is, Joshua Bowman’s friends can laugh at him because he totally banged Amy Winehouse. And so will every single casting director alive. Now, I’m not saying using his penis as a head shot would’ve been the wiser career move, but yeah.

Seen here apparently wearing my bathrobe in public, Sarah Jessica Parker is getting the ready to hit the ol’ dusty trail and move away from the allegedly unfaithful Matthew Broderick, according to Star:

“The time has come when she realizes it just isn’t worth it,” a friend of the couple tells Star. “Sarah Jessica is determined to get her own place and bring down the curtain on her marriage.”
Adds another insider: “Sarah’s not stupid. She knows exactly what’s going on. For a while it was easier for her to stay than go through a harsh divorce. They’re essentially living separate lives.”

Matthew Broderick’s penis released the following statement:

I’m still not coming out and you can’t make me. Not without a coroner’s report, and I’m allowed to identify the body. Oh, God, there she is! Wait. Just a horse. Just a horse.

Seen here apparently wearing my bathrobe in public, Sarah Jessica Parker is getting the ready to hit the ol’ dusty trail and move away from the allegedly unfaithful Matthew Broderick, according to Star:

“The time has come when she realizes it just isn’t worth it,” a friend of the couple tells Star. “Sarah Jessica is determined to get her own place and bring down the curtain on her marriage.”
Adds another insider: “Sarah’s not stupid. She knows exactly what’s going on. For a while it was easier for her to stay than go through a harsh divorce. They’re essentially living separate lives.”

Matthew Broderick’s penis released the following statement:

I’m still not coming out and you can’t make me. Not without a coroner’s report, and I’m allowed to identify the body. Oh, God, there she is! Wait. Just a horse. Just a horse.

Brad Pitt is setting the record straight on that time he bailed on ex-wife Jennifer Aniston to start repopulating the earth with Angelina Jolie. Perhaps you’ve heard about it in passing. Anyway, here’s Brad stating his case in the latest issue of W Magazine:

“Listen, man, Jen is a sweetheart,” Pitt says, as if to settle this thing once and for all. “I think she got dragged into that one, and then there’s a second round to all of that Angie versus Jen. It’s so created.” Of his current relationship with Aniston, he says, “We still check in with each other. She was a big part of my life, and me hers. I don’t see how there cannot be [that]. That’s life, man. That’s life.”

Brad then defended Angelina Jolie and denied any allegations of an affair on the set of Mr. & Mrs. Smith:

“What people don’t understand is that we filmed [Mr. & Mrs. Smith] for a year,” he explains. “We were still filming after Jen and I split up. Even then it doesn’t mean that there was some kind of dastardly affair. There wasn’t. I’m very proud of the way that it was handled. It was respectful. [The film] will mean something to our kids. It will, that’s all.”

First off, Mr. & Mrs. Smith isn’t even that good of a movie. I think more people need to say that the next time Brad or Angie start getting all misty-eyed about it. Second, what the hell kind of story is that to tell your kids?

BRAD: Jen, it’s Brad. Just called to say we’re getting a divorce, so, uh, hey , no hard feelings. *hangs up phone*
ANGELINA: Did you do it?
BRAD: Yep.
ANGELINA: Good. I’m ovulating.
BRAD: Sweet!

If my parents told me a bedtime story like that, I’d probably turn into some sort of sex-craved maniac who writes about half-naked celebrities all day. No, thank you.

(photo from WireImage)
We have the first celebrity to file divorce in the New Year and according to TMZ it is Patricia Arquette. The Medium star filed for divorce from her husband of two years, Thomas Jane siting irreconcilable differences today in LA. The couple have a five year old daughter together.
WEhat a sad way to start of the new year.

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I don’t know about you guys, but it’s been way too long since one of Verne Troyer’s jilted ex-lovers has sold her story to News of the World. This time around it’s former Playmate Genevieve Gallen who married Mini-Me in 2004 after the two were introduced by Hugh Hefner at a New Year’s Eve party. Things went sour when Genevieve learned her knight in children’s pajamas has a drinking problem. (Read: One thimble of bourbon and the shit is on!):

On first going to Mini-Me’s “house”:
She felt like Alice in Wonderland when she first went back to Verne’s place . . . a SHED at the the end of his manager’s garden. “It was a little off-putting because everything was so small,” says Genevieve. “There was a miniature futon and a miniature refrigerator and bed. The light switches were all down at the level of my knee and the toilet was no bigger than a child’s potty.”

On realizing Mini-Me might have a bit of a drinking problem:
“One Valentine’s night, I tried to do something really special for him. I knew he liked the colour red, so I put on everything red, including red stockings, red garter belts, a red thong and patterned red shoes just how he liked them,” says Genevieve. He seemed really excited and jumped up on the coffee table as he ordered me into different poses. He took some pictures of me and I was ready for a really beautiful night but before we could make love he was so drunk he passed out wearing his socks and boxers.”

On getting accidentally locked out of the house after Mini-Me got trashed:
“The neighbours called the police and I convinced them to break the door open to let me in. But then they demanded to see Verne so I could prove it was my house. When I found him, he was face down clutching a pillow. I tried to wake him but it was impossible, so I had to pick him up still clutching the pillow and take him outside to present him to the police officers. They were shining the light on his head and Verne was mumbling, ‘What’s going on?” One of the police officers started laughing but the other one told him to stop. It was really embarrassing.”

Look, I don’t want to seem like I’m discriminating against little people here, but maybe the next time their guild meets inside a mushroom, they should let Verne know he’s not doing anybody any favors. Just sayin’.

In an effort to quash rampant divorce rumors, Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony have escaped to Puerto Rico for the next few days to prove their love is strong. Because being in the same place at the same time totally constitutes a healthy relationship. No, really, these two couldn’t be more convincing if they procreated on a fighter jet in front of my house. True story. E! News reports:

“They are on a holiday vacation,” says Anthony’s rep.
Two days ago, Lopez and Anthony met up with friends and family for dinner at Marmalade, a trendy, upscale restaurant in the old-town section of San Juan.
“Jennifer and Marc looked very happy, so it is hard for me to believe the rumors that their marriage is in trouble,” the eatery’s general manager, Trace Donaldson, tells E! News. “They were laughing and seemed to be having a great time.”

Okay, I get it. Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony have a large Latin audience who are devout Catholics. However, c’mon, these people love Ricky Martin who’s not only gay, but adopted twin babies whom the Bible says he will no doubt inject with his gayness. Yet, I guarantee his next album will go triple cayenne pepper, or whatever they use to notate musical success. [Edit: Kittens in sombreros.]

Madonna is denying reports that she paid Guy Ritchie a $76 million divorce settlement. The two issued a joint statement this morning refuting yesterday’s highly publicized reports of their settlement, according to People:

“We have tried to maintain a dignified silence regarding the details of our divorce for the last few months whilst accepting the obvious media interest.
“A misleading and inaccurate statement, specifically in relation to the sums of money involved, was wrongly issued to AP this week.
“The financial details of the settlement will remain private, save to say that both of us are happy with our agreement.
“Our primary concern, like any co-parents, is the care and well being of our children.”

Jesus, Madonna, which is it? First, you didn’t want to give Guy Ritchie any money. Then you wanted to give him money, and make him look like a gold-digger. But now the two of you are issuing joint statements together which makes absolutely no fucking sense. Seriously, I’m tempted to send someone over to check your sarcophagus for a gas leak. Where do you hide a spare key for A-Rod? Under the Sphinx? Got it.

Madonna is denying reports that she paid Guy Ritchie a $76 million divorce settlement. The two issued a joint statement this morning refuting yesterday’s highly publicized reports of their settlement, according to People:

“We have tried to maintain a dignified silence regarding the details of our divorce for the last few months whilst accepting the obvious media interest.
“A misleading and inaccurate statement, specifically in relation to the sums of money involved, was wrongly issued to AP this week.
“The financial details of the settlement will remain private, save to say that both of us are happy with our agreement.
“Our primary concern, like any co-parents, is the care and well being of our children.”

Jesus, Madonna, which is it? First, you didn’t want to give Guy Ritchie any money. Then you wanted to give him money, and make him look like a gold-digger. But now the two of you are issuing joint statements together which makes absolutely no fucking sense. Seriously, I’m tempted to send someone over to check your sarcophagus for a gas leak. Where do you hide a spare key for A-Rod? Under the Sphinx? Got it.

Despite claims that Guy Ritchie will walk away from his divorce with none of Madonna’s money, he is reportedly getting a $64 million payoff to let her keep their London home and sign away any claims to her $600 million fortune. News of the World reports:

But a source revealed: “He is getting one lump sum imminently. Guy wanted to stay in their London home but Madonna refused to split it in two, and eventually gave him £12 million as compensation. She decided early on that he should get Ashcombe.
“Guy’s ducked out of fighting over her fortune, even though he could be entitled to a big chunk.”
A friend of Madonna said last night: “She is fed- up at reports that Guy is walking away with no money—she has sorted his finances for life.”

Let me get this straight: Madonna is tired of Guy Ritchie saying he’s not taking her money, so she threw $64 million at him to piss him off. - - Damn, she’s figured it out. Alright, ladies, I didn’t want to do this, but since Madonna cracked the code, it’s time to come clean. If you really want to get your man back, nothing will piss him off more than $64 million in cold hard cash. We fucking hate that. Sorry, fellas, the cat’s out of the bag. Those crafty women have outsmarted us again because they can be doctors, too, and don’t look fat in those jeans, Beautiful.

Kevin Federline is peddling his side of the bullshit in the latest issue of People. But, unlike Britney who openly criticized his parenting skills in a recent Rolling Stone interview, he’s keeping it relatively clean:

On what went wrong:
“It’s hard enough to be in a marriage, and then have a kid, then kids, it changes everything. For me, I’d become more concerned with my children. Not that I ignored Britney, but my kids are always most important … I mean, we were having complications. I didn’t give her an ultimatum, but I was trying to work stuff out with her, and she didn’t even talk to me or anything and went behind my back and filed [for divorce]. [I was] completely blindsided.”

On rumors he fought for custody for the money:
“My first question to [my lawyer] was, ‘Am I ever going to be able to see my children?’ I told him that I would spend every last dime that I had to make sure that my children are okay. That’s all that mattered. I didn’t know how much power Britney had. That really scared me.”

On Britney locking herself in a room with Jayden:
“That whole night is a blur. You want to talk about one of my lowest points of depression, that was probably one of them. I was very, very worried for her ’cause I care about her. That’s the mother of my children. Just because I’m not in love with her doesn’t mean that I don’t love her.”

On the situation now:
“Oh, man, it’s totally turning around. It works out that [the kids] get to see her. There’s structure over there, there’s structure at my house. We’re trying to keep the same type of schedule. It doesn’t have to be completely perfect, but the foundation is there. “

KEVIN: I will spend every last dime that I have to make sure that my children are okay.
LAWYER: You mean every last dime Britney has.
KEVIN: *pause*
BOTH: AHA HA HA HA!
KEVIN: God, that never gets old. Now who wants Jet-Skis? I’m buying.

Kevin Federline is peddling his side of the bullshit in the latest issue of People. But, unlike Britney who openly criticized his parenting skills in a recent Rolling Stone interview, he’s keeping it relatively clean:

On what went wrong:
“It’s hard enough to be in a marriage, and then have a kid, then kids, it changes everything. For me, I’d become more concerned with my children. Not that I ignored Britney, but my kids are always most important … I mean, we were having complications. I didn’t give her an ultimatum, but I was trying to work stuff out with her, and she didn’t even talk to me or anything and went behind my back and filed [for divorce]. [I was] completely blindsided.”

On rumors he fought for custody for the money:
“My first question to [my lawyer] was, ‘Am I ever going to be able to see my children?’ I told him that I would spend every last dime that I had to make sure that my children are okay. That’s all that mattered. I didn’t know how much power Britney had. That really scared me.”

On Britney locking herself in a room with Jayden:
“That whole night is a blur. You want to talk about one of my lowest points of depression, that was probably one of them. I was very, very worried for her ’cause I care about her. That’s the mother of my children. Just because I’m not in love with her doesn’t mean that I don’t love her.”

On the situation now:
“Oh, man, it’s totally turning around. It works out that [the kids] get to see her. There’s structure over there, there’s structure at my house. We’re trying to keep the same type of schedule. It doesn’t have to be completely perfect, but the foundation is there. “

KEVIN: I will spend every last dime that I have to make sure that my children are okay.
LAWYER: You mean every last dime Britney has.
KEVIN: *pause*
BOTH: AHA HA HA HA!
KEVIN: God, that never gets old. Now who wants Jet-Skis? I’m buying.

Marg Helgenberger (CSI) and her husband of 19 years Alan Rosenberg have separated, according to People:

“After 19 years of marriage, Marg and Alan have decided to take some time apart,” the actress’s rep said Monday. “They love and respect each other and remain committed to their family.”

These pictures aren’t the greatest, but Marg Helgenberger has to be one of the hottest old broads on television. And I say that with all due respect to the elderly. Also, she’s on the only decent version of CSI that doesn’t make me feel like I’ve been pummeled in the face with dumb. No, really, have you ever watched CSI: Miami? Whoever told David Caruso he can act needs to be shot with a cannon. “Look at me! I’m taking off my sunglasses. One Emmy, please.”

Oh yeah, I went there.

After word got out that Alex “A-Rod” Rodriquez was bailing on his kids to eat turkey with Madonna, he denied the reports and took his ex-wife Cynthia and their daughters out to eat Tuesday night right in front of the paparazzi (above). Ultimately, A-Rod did eat Thanksgiving dinner with his family in Miami, but then bolted to Madonna’s mansion to encourage Gwyneth Paltrow to become an adulterer - just like that Charlie Brown special! NY Daily News reports:

The third baseman hopped into his black Porsche around 4p.m. and sped off to Star Island - where Madonna has a home.
Sources say he is staying there while he’s in town, and witnesses saw his car parked there overnight.
Later, the kabbalah cronies celebrated at the estate of Jeff Soffer, the bachelor billionaire who reportedly has come between Gwyneth Paltrow and rocker hubby Chris Martin.
Feeding speculation that Paltrow and Martin are ready to split, Paltrow has been staying at Soffer’s Indian Creek Island mansion and spent Thanksgiving with him, sources said.
“Gwyneth has confided to friends she and Chris are taking a break,” a source claimed. “Jeff is crazy about her.”

Also, in case there were any doubts Madonna and A-Rod having unholy relations, he was spotted Wednesday night handing her a water bottle at her concert, according to E! News:

As Madonna completed her second song before a sell-out crowd in Miami’s Dolphin Stadium Wednesday night, New York Yankees slugger Alex Rodriguez handed her a bottle of water.
“It was easy for him to hand it off because he was sitting in the front row,” a witness tells E! News. “He was all excited watching her perform.”
And, just like that, Madonna acknowledged in public, less than a week after her quickie divorce from Guy Ritchie, that A-Rod is indeed the superfan (and waterboy) he’s reportedly been for most of this year in private.

He handed her a water bottle?! Oh yeah, these two are fucking. In fact, I’m surprised they even had time to exchange bottles of water. That’s how much they’re fucking. Trust me, I know these things. I have a Ph.D. in Who’s Doing the Fucking. Okay, technically it’s an old pizza box with “Dr. Naked Stuff” written in Elmer’s Glue and glitter, but still, ladies?

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Remember when I said Britney Spears should never leave the house without being airbrushed? I forgot one important fact: You can’t airbrush trailer park. Seriously, did Britney shoot this Rolling Stone cover herself? “Here’s mah belly, y’all! It’ll sell them maggerzines.” Anyway, if you can’t tell, the latest issue features an interview with “new and improved” Britney who keeps getting more precious every time she talks. And by more precious I mean someone’s getting an ear bit off soon:

On her new subdued life:
“I feel like an old person now,” she says one afternoon, as a manicurist applies rhinestones and girly pink lacquer to her chewed-up nails. “I do! I go to bed at, like, 9:30 every night, and I don’t go out or anything, you know what I mean? I just feel like an old fart.”

On her appearance:
She says she’s considering lopping off the weave she’s worn since shaving her head in 2007, and when she counts up her tattoos — “Seven! Oh, my God, y’all!” — she falls back into the couch giggling, kicking her feet in the air.

On her dad’s iron fist:
She is watched over day and night by security guards Jamie hired (and she’s paying for); it’s also rumored that Britney’s phone calls are closely monitored and that she’s not allowed to drive her own Mercedes. Recently, says one source with ties to the Britney camp, Jamie fired a guard who let the singer use his phone. (Her rep denies the claim.)

On Kevin Federline:
“They don’t look like their father at all,” she continues. “And it’s weird ’cause they’re starting to learn words like ’stupid,’ and Preston says the f-word now sometimes. He doesn’t get it from us. He must get it from his daddy. I say it, but not around my kids.”

Oh, wow, that’s fucking awesome: Britney Spears criticizing Kevin Federline’s parenting. Amazing. First, it was her dad completely turning her life around and saving her from lying dead in a ditch of crazy. Now, it’s Kevin Federline, who may be a douche, but didn’t use their sons as coasters. At this point, I’m pretty sure you could drop Britney in the desert with a canteen, and she’d bitch about the water: “Why is this dumb shit keeping me hydrated? I hate you, wet stuff!”

In fact, let’s do that. I’ll rent the chopper.

Usually, after leaving your wife in a highly-publicized divorce, it’s important to let your kids know you still love them. Especially around the holidays. Or you can go the A-Rod route and totally bail on them to eat turkey with your Cryptkeeper mistress. Father of the Year, folks. Page Six reports:

The Yankee slugger, who ditched his wife of six years, Cynthia, after becoming besotted with Madonna, is a “soul-less” man who is “abandoning” his kids on Thanksgiving for his lover, according to what Cynthia is telling friends.
“Access Hollywood” reports that Cynthia, who’s in the final stages of her divorce from A-Rod, wrote an e-mail to a confidant noting: “My 6-foot-3, 220-pound soul-less, soon-to-be ex-husband is abandoning his kids on Thanksgiving to be with Madonna . . . She called and he ran on her command back to New York City . . . Gross!”
To add insult to injury, after Rodriguez left Miami at Madonna’s beck and call, his lawyer called Cynthia and wanted her to sign the couple’s divorce settlement.

You know what? I have to give Cynthia Rodriguez some credit. How many of you ladies wouldn’t have downed a bottle of pills if your man left you for a woman who, by all legal definitions, is a corpse? That’s gotta hurt. I’m sure the shitloads of money is helping, but still, underneath Cynthia’s gold-digging exterior is a beating heart - I think. Maybe. I’ll get back to you on that.

UPDATE: Nope. Just a credit card for Tiffany’s, a stack of Euros and some china. False alarm!

With Thanksgiving in a few days, one can’t help but focus on the things that really matter in life. Like gathering a volatile collection of relatives under the same roof and watching the crazy explode like an overcooked burrito in the microwave. People reports:

Heather Locklear and ex-husband Richie Sambora are embracing the spirit of Thanksgiving by celebrating the holiday together – along with Locklear’s boyfriend – this year.
“Richie and Heather are spending Thanksgiving together with [daughter] Ava,” a friend of Locklear’s tells PEOPLE. “Jack [Wagner] and a few good friends will also be having dinner with them.”
Locklear, 47, and Sambora, 49, split in 2006 after 12 years of marriage, but they continue to be supportive of each other, and to co-parent their 11 year old daughter.

Fantastic. Heather, you’ll remember, was popped for DUI in September, barely two months after she completed a rehab stay. Richie, meanwhile, loves their daughter Ava so much that he was arrested for driving drunk with her in the car in March. Plus, he’s in Bon Jovi, which is just completely fucked up. But somehow the two of them spending Thanksgiving together is going to result in something besides Ava crawling under the table while her mom and dad whip bottles of gin at each other. No, really, it’s like a holiday special waiting to be made.

Amy Winehouse, presumably in exchange for a wheelbarrow full of crack, has revealed to News of the World that her marriage to Blake-Fielder Civil is over. He’s leaving her for German model Sophie Schandorff which is a significant improvement on his part. Then again, the same thing could be said about a sea turtle:

Drug-tortured star Amy dramatically confessed: “It’s over. There’s no way back for us now. It was never going to last. We were only together for SEX. I fancied him like mad, like no one else I’ve ever known. But it’s not enough, is it?”

A friend of Amy’s also revealed that her sex life with Blake was as insanely excessive as their rampant drug use. She even arranged threesomes which I’m betting involved a shitload of duct tape and hush money:

“They were into threesomes. It was Blake’s idea but Amy said she’d been with women before so it wasn’t a problem. She said she’s had a string of female lovers. Whenever Blake said he wanted three-in-a-bed Amy would fix it.”

“They thought they were on this sexual journey together. And the pair of them were into some real kinky stuff, not just the usual bondage and sex games but really gross stuff you couldn’t mention in a newspaper. They were bad for each other, each pushing the other to excess, whether drugs or sex. Plus he sponged off her. And she’s awake to that now.”

Just imagine getting married to the only woman in the world who wants to still have crazy sex after the honeymoon, but it’s Amy Winehouse. I’ll give you a minute to stop crying. Okay, now, fellas, go home and hug your wives. Hug them and say “I love you, honey. We haven’t been intimate since that Christmas I spiked your coffee, but at least I can look at you without vomiting on the dog. Also, thanks for not making a big deal about the masturbating, strippers and cleaning lady.”

On second thought, maybe just get her some flowers.