Lynne Spears tell-all book Through the Storm: A Real Story of Fame and Family in a Tabloid World is remarkably jam-packed with action for an evangelical book about parenting. Lynne reveals Britney started knocking back booze at 13 and, with her mom’s help, tricked Justin Timberlake into thinking she was a virgin when really Britney nailed a football player at 14. The best part is: Justin fell for it! Oh, man, these Disney kids are dumb. Although, that could just be the drink. NY Daily News has the details:

Alcohol!:
The pop icon took a liking to booze when she was a 13-year-old Mouseketeer and began experimenting with drugs at 15.

Drugs!
By age 16, Britney’s wild-child behavior stunned her family when she was caught with cocaine and marijuana on a private jet, Lynn Spears claims.

SEX!
She admits she allowed her then 16-year-old daughter to sleep with Timberlake, her Mickey Mouse Club co-star, and went along with the hoax that Britney was a virgin. Lynne Spears reveals Timberlake was misled and that Britney lost her virginity to a Kentwood, La., high school football player.

I’m starting to think the title of the book should’ve been Through the Storm - of Shit that I Created Because I Have the Parenting Skills of a Lawnmower. I mean, Christ, what was the point of this thing? Other than to surprise us all that Britney hasn’t stripped naked and hijacked a school bus yet. That was the point? Well then, MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.

Lily Allen and Elton John presented the GQ Men of the Year Awards last night in London. Things got out of hand when Lily kept downing champagne like it was the antidote which pissed off Elton John and ended in the two exchanging words on-stage over who could snort the most coke. The Daily Mail reports:

When she came to announce ‘…and now the most important part of the night’, Elton chipped in ‘What? Are you going to have another drink?’
She fired back: ‘F*** off Elton. I am 40 years younger than you and have my whole life ahead of me!’
The shocked audience fell silent.
A clearly rattled Elton replied ‘I could still snort you under the table’. To which she replied: ‘F*** off. I don’t know what you are talking about.’
On more than one occasion, Elton could be seen having a stern word with her in the wings between awards. She barely made it off the stage after the awards ended - before drinking even more at the afterparty.

Folks, we’ve got ourselves a Snort Off. Okay, first one to OD and die, wins. Ready… GO!

Remember when Amy Winehouse went to the hospital in July for a “reaction to her anti-drug medication“? Turns out Amy really smoked her face off for 36 hours straight which leads doctors to believe she’s now permanently brain damaged. The Sun:

MEDICS are worried Amy’s brain was damaged by the cannabis overdose – she displayed symptoms normally associated with schizophrenia.
The pal yesterday said: “The future is bleak, bleak, bleak. Mitch does everything he can to protect his daughter - but his ‘explanation’ for Amy’s hospital dash in July was just simply untrue. She had smoked an inhuman amount of hash which resulted in acute cannabis poisoning. You have to take a s***load of pot to suffer that severe a reaction.”

I love how it takes a team of doctors to deduce Amy Winehouse has brain damage. I could’ve told you that and I can’t even make my own coffee. No, seriously, last time I tried to brew a pot - BOOM! - 9/11. True story.

Thanks to James who reminds everyone to stay in school. That’s where they sell the good shit.

Suge Knight was arrested yesterday morning after police caught him beating his girlfriend in a parking lot. Suge was holding a knife at the time and was also in possession of Ecstasy and hydrocodone when officers arrived. The AP reports:

“A citizen sees the beating in a parking lot, police get there fast, they see him beating her. It’s a good solid case,” said Las Vegas police Lt. Chris Carroll.
“This is a very large man,” Carroll said, estimating his weight at more than twice the woman’s. “He was on top of her, actually in the act of violently beating her when the officers arrived, with the knife in his hand.”
At least one officer drew a Taser stun gun as they approached Knight, said Officer Jacinto Rivera, a police spokesman. He said he did not know if the officers drew their handguns. Knight dropped the folding knife and was taken into custody without incident, Carroll said.

I see: Suge Knight can beat up his girlfriend but pisses himself at the sight of a Taser. Pfft! What a pussy.

I’m getting hung upside down from a balcony, aren’t I? Neat.

Filed under: GPS

Though not quite as bad as toting the GPS module around with you, one particular marijuana farmer had to be mighty embarrassed / wondering what he ever did to deserve such bad luck when a GPS-equipped turtle meandered into his crop. As the story goes, a close friend of the police — a box turtle with no fear of Big Brother — just happened upon a pot stash on US park property. Clearly, Mr. Isiah Johnson (the culprit) was heavily stoned when choosing US land to farm his ganja, and now he’s in custody until he’s “extradited back DC to face drug charges.” And you thought all you had to do was dodge those CCTV cameras…

[Via TechDigest]

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Mary-Kate Olsen is free to murder another young actor in his prime. (Please be Dane Cook. Please be Dane Cook. Please be Dane Cook.) Federal prosecutors have decided not to pursue a criminal case regarding Heath Ledger’s acquisition of prescription painkillers and sleeping pills, according to the AP:

Prosecutors in the U.S. attorney’s office in Manhattan had been overseeing a Drug Enforcement Administration probe into whether the painkillers found in Ledger’s system were obtained illegally. But the prosecutors have bowed out “because they don’t believe there’s a viable target,” said the official, who spoke on condition of anonymity because no charges have been filed.

And by “they don’t believe there’s a viable target” they obviously mean “Candace Cameron’s decapitated head arrived in a box this morning.”

Mary-Kate’s lawyer took to the press yesterday after a story ran in the New York Post claiming Mary-Kate Olsen is seeking immunity from prosecution before speaking to the DEA about Heath Ledger’s accidental overdose. The AP reports:

“We have provided the government with relevant information including facts in the chronology of events surrounding Mr. Ledger’s death,” Miller said in a statement Monday, “and the fact that Ms. Olsen does not know the source of the drugs Mr. Ledger consumed.”

The Associated Press has spoken to an official within the DEA who can confirm the reports that Mary-Kate’s lawyer is indeed angling for immunity and refusing to cooperate:

The official confirmed a report that Olsen wants a promise of immunity from prosecution before speaking to the Drug Enforcement Administration. Olsen was a close friend of Ledger’s, and was the first person called by a masseuse who found the 28-year-old “Dark Knight” actor’s lifeless body in his Manhattan apartment.
Authorities have obtained a subpoena that could force Olsen to appear before a grand jury if negotiations with her lawyer fail, the official said.

Okay, let’s cut to the chase: So, maybe Mary-Kate Olsen provided Heath Ledger with the drugs and left a note saying “Take 20 and call me in the morning.” That doesn’t mean she necessarily “killed” him, I think - maybe. Who knows? I’m not very good at this lawyer stuff. But, I do know a half vampire bat when I see one, and how do you convict a member of the animal kingdom? Answer: You don’t. That’s double jeopardy, my friends. I rest my case and object stuff.

Mary-Kate Olsen is refusing to be interviewed by federal investigators about Heath Ledger’s accidental overdose until she’s granted immunity from prosecution. This latest move proves what I’ve always feared: Pauly Shore knew something relevant when he claimed the Olsen twins are diabolical. May God have mercy on us all. The New York Post reports:

The actress’ lawyer has repeatedly rebuffed attempts by the feds to question Olsen, who was the first person called after her masseuse discovered Ledger’s body in his SoHo apartment in January.
Frustrated federal officials could obtain a grand-jury subpoena to compel the funky “Full House” actress to tell them whatever she knows about the “Dark Knight” star’s behavior, his possible drug use and the events of that fateful morning, according to sources.
Probers have interviewed everyone connected to Ledger and his death, including his doctors, the masseuse, bodyguards, housekeepers, business associates and even the mother of his 2-year-old daughter, Matilda, his “Brokeback Mountain” co-star Michelle Williams.
“Ms. Williams was extremely nice and cooperative,” a source said.

And by nice and cooperative, the source meant Michelle Williams grabbed an FBI agent by the collar and yelled “It was Mary-Kate Olsen, you sonofabitch! I’ll have your badge for breakfast.” But no one ever suspects the Olsen twins - until it’s too late. I’m serious. They’re still looking for Bob Saget’s body.

EDIT: Turns out Bob Saget is still alive. I’m as shocked as you are.

Thanks to Liz who won’t watch Full House without the lights on and a priest handy.

Turns out Amy Winehouse’s trip to the ER Monday night wasn’t because of a reaction her medication. Her father Mitch is pretty adamant that someone slipped Ecstasy in Amy’s drink and has even contacted the fuzz, according to The Sun:

A source said after Rehab star Amy was discharged yesterday: “Mitch is furious. He’s certain someone put E in Amy’s drink — and he’s determined to get to the bottom of it. He is convinced that one of her hangers-on was responsible and he’s waiting for a toxicology report to show what caused her to fit.

Jesus. I mean, who would slip E into Amy Winehouse’s drink? I just couldn’t fathom what sort of individual would do such a thing. If only we knew of a suspect with a long history of drug abuse that would love to see Amy trip her face off for a couple of hours while getting shitfaced drunk at the same time. Hmm. Curiouser and curiouser…

Amy Winehouse was hospitalized last night after she apparently had a “reaction” to medication she’s taking as part of an anti-drug regimen. Amy had collapsed at her apartment and her dad Mitch called paramedics telling them “She’s fucked up, she’s fucked up.” But, in defiance of all logic and reason, she’s somehow doing fine and will be released tomorrow. The Sun reports:

An onlooker said worried Mitch told fans: “She’s just mixed up her medication.”
Later dad Mitch went to University College Hospital and took Amy some Kentucky Fried Chicken.
Asked how she was, Mitch held up two bags of food and said: “This is how serious it is — I’m bringing her some KFC.”

For the record, Amy doesn’t so much eat the chicken as she reinforces her beehive with the bones. Or at least tries to before giving up and smoking a crack pipe the size of a bus. Yet, somehow, God let’s her keep living. I’m gonna go ahead and assume this has something to do with me touching myself at night. Not quite sure the punishment fits the crime, but whatever….

Andy Dick has finally grabbed the wrong pair of breasts. His drunken asshole antics got him arrested today after Andy walked out of a bar and pulled down a 17-year-old girl’s top and bra, according to the AP:

Police were called to the Buffalo Wild Wings in Murrieta at about 1:13 a.m. to investigate a report of “an intoxicated male” urinating outside the bar and causing a disturbance, according to a police statement.
When they arrived, a 17-year-old girl told police that she was outside when Dick left the bar, walked up, “grabbed her tank top and bra and pulled them down and exposed her breasts,” the statement said.
Dick was identified by the teenager and a witness, police said. Marijuana and the drug Xanax were found his pants pockets during a search and he appeared “extremely intoxicated,” police said.

I’d say “extremely intoxicated” is an understatement. Judging by the mug shot above, Andy Dick probably thinks he’s on the planet Endor. Now where’s that Ewok he tried to fondle? And what is this strange tree he’s inside of with this bald, tattooed gentleman who wants to snuggle?*

*Please, join me in prayer that this man is the “shiv you in the abdomen” type. Amen.

Amy Winehouse should be transported around Hannibal Lecter-style. Last night, while walking to her house with her dad, she decided to flip her chips and run out into traffic. From there, Amy approached a convertible, asked for a lift then crawled all over the body of what looks like a sweet ride. She disappeared for about an hour only to return and run straight into her house. In related news, London crack sales skyrocketed yesterday…

Bill Murray has quietly settled his divorce to wife Jennifer Butler Murray who accused him last month of domestic abuse, abandonment and drug addiction. She had argued his actions made their prenuptial invalid, but it did remain intact. Except that became a moot point because Jennifer was given three houses and custody of the children in the speedy settlement. I’m no legal expert, but I’m pretty sure she just dominated Bill’s shit. People reports:

Butler Murray, 42, has been granted primary custody of their four children and will keep the couple’s homes in Hemet, Calif. and Sullivan’s Island, S.C. Bill Murray, 57, must pay child support and will keep other property in California, New York and Massachusetts.
Bill Murray must also pay Jennifer a lump sum. The Murrays signed a prenuptial agreement in which Bill would pay his wife $7 million in a divorce, and, according to court documents, it is still valid.

Bill Murray’s lawyers had no statement on the settlement. Though I’m sure Bill probably wrote one that said: “Leave me alone to my scotch, hookers and random bottles of assorted pills I stole from a nursing home. Also, buy Ghostbuster DVDs. Lots of them. I can’t even afford to go into Starbucks. I’m typing on my MacBook Air, stealing Wi-Fi from behind a dumpster out back. I am fucking POOR, MATEYS. ARGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” On a related note, he is taking blogging lessons from Kanye West at L’Acadamie de Douche.

Doctors believed Amy Winehouse was suffering from tuberculosis after she fainted in her home on Monday, but it turns out she’s just got a really bad chest infection and also an irregular heartbeat. Hmm, I wonder what could’ve caused these things. If only there was some clear cut, bright as day answer to why Amy Winehouse’s body is a walking unwrapped mummy of disease… Puzzling. The Daily Mail reports:

A close friend said: “Doctors are still struggling to control her heartbeat but the chest condition has been really worrying them. She’d been suffering horrible coughing fits and hurling up blood for a while but refused to be examined. Doctors are doing more tests to be certain. The last thing she needs is to be wheeled on stage. She needs a rest.”

This just in: Doctors have removed a Colombian drug mule from Amy’s left ventricle. How the donkey got in there will baffle the field of medicine for years to come. Until they figure out she uses really, really big drug needles. I’m talking these things have wheels, driver’s seat and passenger side airbags. Did I mention a DVD player for the kids? That too. Lease now for an affordable APR you won’t want to miss.*

*Subject to credit approval. Bring a tourniquet.

Pete Doherty commissioned a sculpture of his self being crucified Jesus-style. Apparently, Pete and his friend artist Nick Reynolds feel Pete is a tortured Messiah, according to The Sun:

The “disturbing artwork” will be carved in marble and show Doherty being tortured, surrounded by strips of newspapers — symbolising his crucifixion by the media.
Reynolds insists he came up with the idea a long time ago and it has taken three years to come to fruition.

The Sun received behind-the-scenes photos of the sculpting process from Pete and the irony wasn’t lost on them:

Unfortunately Pete looks more like Han Solo when he is in his carbon coffin in Jabba’s Palace in Star Wars than Michaelangelo’s David.
The exclusive behind-the-scenes pictures above of Pete’s plaster session were given to me — for a bit of publicity. Er, just a minute. Any slight contradiction here, Mr Doherty?

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Okay, Pete Doherty comparing himself to Jesus is understandable. They’re both imaginary characters. Makes sense. But Pete Doherty as Han Motherfucking Solo?! BLASPHEMY!

Amy Winehouse held court with the paparazzi yesterday outside her home. It seems to be her press room lately where’s seen either signing autographs for the children or terrorizing the freaking populace with her shirt off. But one thing Amy isn’t doing is discriminating. After a video popped up of her singing a racially loaded song, while presumably high off her beehive, Amy apologized to the media, according to the AP:

Winehouse later stood outside her north London home, telling paparazzi that she was sorry, adding: “I don’t want to play anything down, but I’m the least racist person going.”

I believe her. You can get Amy Winehouse to do anything on camera once she’s full of blow which is, I dunno, always. Frankly, I’m surprised this interview didn’t end with her eating a cat and singing the classic children’s tune “I’m a Little Teapot - Who Hates Darkies.”

NOTE: Included more candid shots of Amy and Blake that were leaked to the media. Now there’s a happy couple in a drug-fueled relationship based on dependency. *sigh*

One of Amy Winehouse’s friends has supposedly handed over a home video and candid pictures of Amy Winehouse to the media. They show just how obsessed Amy is with Blake, and the power he “wields in manipulating the vulnerable young star.” As for the video (after the jump) it features Amy singing a song that’s sort of kind of racially loaded but also targets the handicap. Okay, phew. It’s equal opportunity. Here’s a rundown from News of the World:

Sarah is at first reluctant but soon warms to the action as Amy enthusiastically sings:
“Blacks, Pakis, Gooks and Nips, Gooks and Nips!
“And deaf and dumb and blind and gay!”
She repeats the first line over again and on the word “Nips” Amy pulls her eyes into slits then pushes her boobs up in a gesture to her nipples. The girls’ efforts are greeted warmly by Blake, who pledges: “Well done. I promise I wasn’t recording it.”
As the camera pans back we see a coffee table in front of Amy. On it are SIX cigarette lighters and what appears to be HEROIN on a foil—a typical druggie scene set for “chasing the dragon” by heating the drug from below then inhaling the smoke through a tube.

While these pics and video might show Blake’s “power over Amy”, they could just prove that maybe, oh I dunno, crackheads are retarded and will do anything for more crack. Except your homework. No, really, thanks. Fourth grade was awesome the second time around. Jerks.

NOTE: First pic is NSFW (Wear a blindfold). Second pic is LSFW (Just peek a little through the blindfold. Not too much- aww, I told you. Great. Anyone have a seeing eye dog my friend can borrow? For the rest of his life.)

Tatum O’Neal has changed her tune on why she bought crack cocaine which led to her arrest early Monday morning. Originally, she told officers she was researching a role, but now Tatum’s come clean to the New York Post. It was her dog’s fault:

“I lost my Scottish terrier, Lena,” three weeks ago. “That seemed to set me off.
“She got old. She got cancer. She was the fabric of our family. We had to let her go to heaven. My daughter and I had to put her down. It was too horrible for words.”

I think I speak for everybody when I say Tatum O’Neal should just stop talking and retire back to her home - deep in the heart of obscurity.

THIS JUST IN: Nick Hogan is suing his pet turtle Shells McGillicuddy. Shells allegedly passed away shortly before Nick’s accident which forced him to drink and drag race. Nick’s attorneys are seeking damages and requesting that Shells’ corpse serve the rest of Nick’s sentence because “legally speaking, our client has a vagina.” Story developing…

Judging by the amount of e-mails I’ve received, a number of you actually know who Tatum O’Neal is. That’s way more surprising than her getting busted for buying crack by the NYPD last night. CNN reports:

The 44-year-old actress, who penned a 2004 memoir about her long road to sobriety, was arrested around 7:30 p.m. on the Lower East Side of Manhattan after she was seen making a purchase from a drug dealer, police said.
Investigators charged her with criminal possession of a controlled substance, a misdemeanor. She is scheduled to be arraigned Monday.

If I’m ever arrested at 44 for buying crack, I want you guys to give me a high-five. Obviously, I’ve done shit with my life yet still “keep it real.” Kudos, Tatum O’Neal, for getting back in that spotlight, girl. But only until Britney Spears decides she hates underwear again then it’s back to whatever it is that you do. Oh, right; crack.

Bill Murray’s wife of more than 10 years, Jennifer Murray, filed a complaint in court against the actor. She alleges he physically assaulted her and suffers from severe drug and alcohol addictions. She’s citing the complaint as grounds for divorce and is also seeking to have their prenuptial agreement nullified because of Bill’s abusive behavior. The Charleston Post and Courier reports:

According to the complaint, Jennifer Murray moved into a Sullivan’s Island home in 2006 with the couple’s four children due to her husband’s “adultery, addiction to marijuana and alcohol, abusive behavior, physical abuse, sexual addictions and frequent abandonment.”

Jennifer also provided details of the times Bill assaulted her, including an incident where he allegedly hit her in the face and then told her she was lucky he didn’t kill her:

It was at the Sullivan’s Island home, according to the complaint, that Murray allegedly abused his wife in November 2007. The six-page court filing says Murray “hit his wife in the face and then told her she was ‘lucky he didn’t kill her.’ “

It’s always awesome when jackass celebrity wife-beaters suddenly think they’re nefarious super-villains: “Yeah, see, I could kill you and get away with it. So wise up, yeah.” Let’s take a moment to thank O.J. for this advance in domestic abuse. And by thank I mean hope he gets herpes. In the meantime, how big of an A-hole is Bill Murray? Assuming any of this turns out to be true, I’m leaning towards colossal.

UPDATE: TMZ has a statement from Bill Murray’s lawyer: “Bill Murray is deeply saddened by the dissolution of his marriage to Jennifer. Mr. and Mrs. Murray remain loving parents, committed to the best interests of their children. Mr. Murray asks that the public respect his family’s privacy at this difficult time.” I’m not a lawyer, but shouldn’t they have denied the allegations?