Amy Winehouse could be joining the ranks of Tom Cruise. She’s been contacted by the Church of Scientology who think they can cure her using their Narconon system which, God Xenu willing, involves sticking your face in a volcano. The Daily Mirror reports:

One of Amy’s inner circle tells me: “She had a call from the celebrity branch of the Church Of Scientology. She thinks they got her number through one of the American music producers who worked on her Back to Black album. They told her they wanted to help her beat drugs and could tailor-make a programme so she wouldn’t have to go to a residential centre. She liked that idea because her husband Blake is out of prison soon and wouldn’t want to be away from him when he’s finally freed.”

Judging by these pics, I’m sure Amy’s father Mitch is open to any help he can get:

MITCH: Amy, love, these Scientologist blokes want to help.
AMY: Me ass, daddy. They want to turn me into a zombie like the Katie Holmes fellow.
MITCH: Will you just hear them out?
AMY: I’ll shit me in bloody shoe first.
MITCH: Amy, dear, you already shat in your shoe.
AMY: I mean me other ones.
MITCH: Those too.
AMY: Right… let me see your shoe a bit then, dad?
MITCH: No.

Hayden Panettiere’s father is facing misdemeanor battery chargers after getting in a drunken fight with his wife in August. The incident was described as a “misunderstanding.” Just like the second season of Heroes. ZING! The Associated Press reports:

Alan Panettiere faces up to a year in a Los Angeles County jail if convicted. He was arrested on Aug. 11 on suspicion of striking his wife, Lesley.
At the time, a sheriff’s spokesman said Panettiere was accused of hitting his wife three times with an open hand.

Oh, wow, so you can get arrested for battling your wife even if you’re both shit-faced and don’t want to press charges? Damn. I guess I better take back these baseball bats and bottles of whiskey I got my folks for Christmas. Red Lobster gift cards it is - and okay, throwing knives. I spoil those two; I know.

Kate Hudson in “There was an Open Bar at Stella McCartney’s Gala”:

“Hey. Hey. Everybody. Listen. Seriously, listen. Lance Armstrong has one testicle. And, I’m not gonna lie, I saw it. I looked at it and I said, I said ‘Hey. Hey, you. Testicle. Why is there just one of you?’ True story I’m going to puke in the revolving door. HWACK! Hey, I’m stuck in here! HWACK! And I think somebody threw up. Eh, fuck it, I’m crashing Zzzz…”

Hayden Panettiere spoke publicly for the first time about her dad’s arrest for spousal abuse and put the blame on the arresting officers. Her father was arrested after getting in a drunken brawl with his wife who was also sloshed. Extra reports:

“It [the incident] was blown way out of proportion by a sheriff who wanted his fifteen minutes of fame,” the “Heroes” starlet tells “Extra.” “My family is wonderful — so very happy. We’re all great.”

Jesus. Talk about laying it on thick. Hayden Panettiere might as well have said “My mom fell down the stairs.” Then winked at the camera.

A surprisingly immune to overdose Amy Winehouse went on her daily drinking binge last night and in the process managed to assault an innocent bystander. Apparently an older woman was concerned for Amy’s health and stopped to talk to her. Fearing that her drugs might be in danger, Amy’s survival instincts kicked in, according to The Sun:

Amy lashed out at the middle-aged woman – giving her a hard slap and screaming: “Let f***ing go of me, d***head.”
As she walked away, Amy carried on shouting at her victim, calling her a “f***ing bitch”.

Amy then quickly scaled a fire escape where she attempted to breast feed a bag of crack. British authorities are calling it “the most heinous act of terror since that time Amy peed on a fire hydrant.”

Thanks to Helena who reminds everyone that Amy Winehouse can’t come in your house unless you invite her in. Also, she can’t cross bodies of water so, HA, England! In your face!

Within hours of Hayden Panettiere’s father Alan posting bail yesterday for assaulting his wife Lesley (FYI, they were both effing hammered), the two went for a public walk together as a sign of solidarity to show their love is as strong as ever.

ALAN: I blame whoever thought it’d be a great idea to have an open bar.
LESLEY: Dear, that was your idea.
ALAN: Works every time.
LESLEY: What works every time?
ALAN: I dunno.
LESLEY: You put vodka in this Frappucino bottle didn’t you?
ALAN: Yup.
LESLEY: God, I love you.
ALAN: What was that? I threw up on the dog.

Shia LaBeouf was arrested for suspicion of DUI after crashing his pickup into another car early Sunday morning. His two passengers suffered minor injuries while Shia required surgery on his hand at Cedars-Sinai Medical Center. He was booked for misdemeanor DUI at the hospital where no photo or prints were taken, according to AP:

“It was immediately apparent to officers responding on the scene that LaBeouf was intoxicated and he was subsequently placed under arrest,” Wolf said.

And the Disney curse strikes again. Oh yeah, that’s right; Shia was a Disney child star ala Lindsay and Britney. What the fuck do they do to these kids? Promise the parents a boatload of cash as long as their little prodigies down a fifth of Jameson every morning with Michael Eisner? I mean, seriously that, uh, actually sounds kind of awesome. So, who wants to make a baby?

Andy Dick has finally grabbed the wrong pair of breasts. His drunken asshole antics got him arrested today after Andy walked out of a bar and pulled down a 17-year-old girl’s top and bra, according to the AP:

Police were called to the Buffalo Wild Wings in Murrieta at about 1:13 a.m. to investigate a report of “an intoxicated male” urinating outside the bar and causing a disturbance, according to a police statement.
When they arrived, a 17-year-old girl told police that she was outside when Dick left the bar, walked up, “grabbed her tank top and bra and pulled them down and exposed her breasts,” the statement said.
Dick was identified by the teenager and a witness, police said. Marijuana and the drug Xanax were found his pants pockets during a search and he appeared “extremely intoxicated,” police said.

I’d say “extremely intoxicated” is an understatement. Judging by the mug shot above, Andy Dick probably thinks he’s on the planet Endor. Now where’s that Ewok he tried to fondle? And what is this strange tree he’s inside of with this bald, tattooed gentleman who wants to snuggle?*

*Please, join me in prayer that this man is the “shiv you in the abdomen” type. Amen.

Josh Brolin (No Country for Old Men) was arrested early Saturday morning at a bar in Shreveport, Louisiana. Josh, along with his W co-star Jeffrey Wright and some crew members, were apparently asked to leave the bar and refused to go. The cops were called and brawl-larity ensued. The Shreveport Times reports:

According to Shreveport Police patrol report, officers were called to the Stray Cat bar in the 200 block of Travis Street just after 2 a.m. to deal with a rowdy patron.
As more officers arrived, several other patrons at the bar, including Brolin and fellow actor Jeffrey Wright, 42, tried to impede the officers, the report said. In all, the report named 10 officers called to the ruckus.

Josh is playing the part of George Bush in Oliver Stone’s W, and it looks like he forgot to break character. It happens. That said, it’s a good thing Josh isn’t playing Dick Cheney. Otherwise, he’d have eaten a baby by now. Ha! Political humor. Hilarious! Coming up next on The Superficial: Pet jokes! Don’t touch that dial.

Amy Winehouse has decided she’s sexy. The shit has hit the fan, folks. I’m talking Code Red; we need snipers on the roof. It all started yesterday when Amy visited her husband Blake in prison and decided to give him a little window love, according to The Sun:

The Rehab singer was visiting hubby BLAKE FIELDER-CIVIL when she yanked her top down, pressed her boobs against a glass booth and writhed suggestively.
One visitor said: “It was not a pleasant sight. Amy seemed completely out of it.”

Amy then headed off to the Monarch where she attempted to seductively pose in front of ol’ Union Jack. (Outcome: FAIL and they had to burn the flag.) If you thought terrorism was our biggest threat, guess again. The chick above wants to show you her breasts. Let that sink in for a minute. I know battle-hardened vets, guys who were in the shit in Nam, who cried like babies when I broke the news to them. Okay, maybe I told them the Viet Cong are hiding out in her beehive, but still.

These are shots of Amy Winehouse going on a one-beehive bar tour immediately after leaving a drug and alcohol abuse center. Obviously, they have a very effective program. No, really, I’m serious. She actually used the door this time instead of bursting through the wall screaming “ARGH! AMY LOVES BOOZE! BOOZE LOVE AMY?”

Tara Reid loves alcohol more than I do. Some say she may even marry it. Who knows? What I do know is that she was asked to host the Bikini Beach Party 2008 at Crobar in Chicago. I’m guessing lots of coke was involved in that decision because, Surprise!, Tara showed up an hour late and proceeded to drink the entire bar. No really, the entire thing. She picked it up, tilted into her mouth and started chugging as if it was her childhood juice cup - which, coincidentally, also contained scotch. FOX News reports:

According to an eyewitness, at one point Reid was busting her moves in the man-made sandbox while holding a martini before going on stage and giving a very slurred shout-out on the mic.
The “American Pie” actress apparently then made her way upstairs into the VIP room while bumping into people and even knocking other guests’ drinks out of their hands.

TMZ also reports that last night Tara had her friends stage a fake scene for a reality show just so she could get into Hyde. Christ, she’s like an alcoholic version of the Hamburglar: “Robble robble. Pour me a drink. Robble robble. No, this is my real voice. Robble robble. If babies were made of rum, I’d drink them. Robble robble robble.”

Bill Murray has quietly settled his divorce to wife Jennifer Butler Murray who accused him last month of domestic abuse, abandonment and drug addiction. She had argued his actions made their prenuptial invalid, but it did remain intact. Except that became a moot point because Jennifer was given three houses and custody of the children in the speedy settlement. I’m no legal expert, but I’m pretty sure she just dominated Bill’s shit. People reports:

Butler Murray, 42, has been granted primary custody of their four children and will keep the couple’s homes in Hemet, Calif. and Sullivan’s Island, S.C. Bill Murray, 57, must pay child support and will keep other property in California, New York and Massachusetts.
Bill Murray must also pay Jennifer a lump sum. The Murrays signed a prenuptial agreement in which Bill would pay his wife $7 million in a divorce, and, according to court documents, it is still valid.

Bill Murray’s lawyers had no statement on the settlement. Though I’m sure Bill probably wrote one that said: “Leave me alone to my scotch, hookers and random bottles of assorted pills I stole from a nursing home. Also, buy Ghostbuster DVDs. Lots of them. I can’t even afford to go into Starbucks. I’m typing on my MacBook Air, stealing Wi-Fi from behind a dumpster out back. I am fucking POOR, MATEYS. ARGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” On a related note, he is taking blogging lessons from Kanye West at L’Acadamie de Douche.

Kristen Bell is filming a scene for her new movie When in Rome where her character gets all kinds of drunk and rocks the cleavage. If Kristen is basing this on her own drinking habits, we are so much alike. And they say a good relationship is built on common interests. In this case, getting smashed in public, wearing a dress and wading through a fountain. Okay, you got me: I more into tank tops and mini-skirts. It wasn’t meant to be. *sigh* Now I’m all depressed. Anyone got a pair of control tops and a bottle of hooch I can borrow? Eh, I’ll just raid the Geekologist’s purse. *rummage rummage* Nothing but LEGOs and lip gloss. Slut.

Matthew McConaughey may have a Tarzan baby gestating inside model Camila Alves, but that doesn’t mean he can’t get trashed in Nicaraqua and pick up chicks. He must’ve got that parenting book I sent him: “The Zen of Drinking your Way to Debilitating Child-Support Payments.” Star reports:

“He was acting like an out-of-control 18-year-old,” claims an eyewitness who was at the bar. “He already seemed to be drunk when he arrived alone, and he only got worse from there on. He was putting the make on every woman in his path, throwing his arms around them and trying to kiss them, and trying to dirty-dance with a few out on the floor. But he was a mess, slurring his words and stumbling around.
“A few minutes after he finally left the bar, someone found him searching through a sewage ditch outside. When they asked him what he was doing, he mumbled, ‘I’ve lost my flip-flops!’”

You know who should really be responsible for a kid? People who lose their shoes in a sewer ditch. That’s a winning combination right there. But seriously, I’m sending Matt “Daddy & Baby Velcro shirts” as a shower gift. That way he can carry two drinks at the bar, and it’ll be like he never even fathered a child. Now that’s practical.

Shia LeBeouf is making the apology rounds after a video of him at a house party recently hit the Internet. It basically shows a drunk Shia telling one of his friends to hit him in the face. When his friend decides, “Not today, sir.” Shia calls him a “faggot” and then recieves his come-slap-ance! Shia’s rep issued the following statement via People:

“The videotape that is currently being circulated is several years old and captures Shia playing a game among friends in which he uses a derogatory word toward a friend,” LaBeouf’s rep continued. “He regrets having used the word in any capacity and is very embarrassed that this footage is being seen by anyone.”

I love how Shia’s rep describes the video as “a game among friends.” As if they were playing an innocent round of Monopoly but things suddenly got out of hand: “Park Place?! Oh, this is great. Just great. Now we have to get drunk, call each other fags and slap each other silly on camera. This is exactly why I picked Hi Ho Cherry-O.”

Video after the jump.

Lily Allen attended the UK Glamour Women of the Year Awards last night and no, you’re not tripping, that is Bambi on her dress spewing blood. Being the savvy type, Lily knew there’s only one accessory to complement such an outfit: a blind, raging drunk. After taking home the Editor’s Special Award, Lily celebrated by guzzling anything she could get her hands on. Sources tell me at one point she tried to chug a wristwatch. NY Daily News reports:

Allen had to be carried out of the ceremony’s afterparty by a bouncer after hitting the sauce a little too hard. She admitted, via her MySpace blog, that she’s feeling “awful” today after getting “very drunk.”
“It’s not cool getting that drunk,” she said. “Kids, drink responsibly or you’ll end up looking like this - not pretty!”

Oh yeah, she’s the one. Lily Allen, will you marry me? I couldn’t imagine a more beautiful wedding than the one where my darling bride sucker-punches the Maid of Honor before ralphing on the priest. *sniff* It’s too beautiful for words. (Not counting the ones I just typed.)

Bill Murray’s wife of more than 10 years, Jennifer Murray, filed a complaint in court against the actor. She alleges he physically assaulted her and suffers from severe drug and alcohol addictions. She’s citing the complaint as grounds for divorce and is also seeking to have their prenuptial agreement nullified because of Bill’s abusive behavior. The Charleston Post and Courier reports:

According to the complaint, Jennifer Murray moved into a Sullivan’s Island home in 2006 with the couple’s four children due to her husband’s “adultery, addiction to marijuana and alcohol, abusive behavior, physical abuse, sexual addictions and frequent abandonment.”

Jennifer also provided details of the times Bill assaulted her:

It was at the Sullivan’s Island home, according to the complaint, that Murray allegedly abused his wife in November 2007. The six-page court filing says Murray “hit his wife in the face and then told her she was ‘lucky he didn’t kill her.’ “

It’s always awesome when jackass celebrity wife-beaters suddenly think they’re nefarious super-villains: “Yeah, see, I could kill you and get away with it. So wise up, yeah.” Let’s take a moment to thank O.J. for this advance in domestic abuse. Good one, Juice. In the meantime, how big of an A-hole is Bill Murray? I’m leaning towards colossal. Share your thoughts.

Bill Murray’s wife of more than 10 years, Jennifer Murray, filed a complaint in court against the actor. She alleges he physically assaulted her and suffers from severe drug and alcohol addictions. She’s citing the complaint as grounds for divorce and is also seeking to have their prenuptial agreement nullified because of Bill’s abusive behavior. The Charleston Post and Courier reports:

According to the complaint, Jennifer Murray moved into a Sullivan’s Island home in 2006 with the couple’s four children due to her husband’s “adultery, addiction to marijuana and alcohol, abusive behavior, physical abuse, sexual addictions and frequent abandonment.”

Jennifer also provided details of the times Bill assaulted her, including an incident where he allegedly hit her in the face and then told her she was lucky he didn’t kill her:

It was at the Sullivan’s Island home, according to the complaint, that Murray allegedly abused his wife in November 2007. The six-page court filing says Murray “hit his wife in the face and then told her she was ‘lucky he didn’t kill her.’ “

It’s always awesome when jackass celebrity wife-beaters suddenly think they’re nefarious super-villains: “Yeah, see, I could kill you and get away with it. So wise up, yeah.” Let’s take a moment to thank O.J. for this advance in domestic abuse. And by thank I mean hope he gets herpes. In the meantime, how big of an A-hole is Bill Murray? Assuming any of this turns out to be true, I’m leaning towards colossal.

UPDATE: TMZ has a statement from Bill Murray’s lawyer: “Bill Murray is deeply saddened by the dissolution of his marriage to Jennifer. Mr. and Mrs. Murray remain loving parents, committed to the best interests of their children. Mr. Murray asks that the public respect his family’s privacy at this difficult time.” I’m not a lawyer, but shouldn’t they have denied the allegations?

Joe Simpson is a friggin’ genius. Not only does he sell photo rights of his daughter’s wedding to People, but also of Jessica Simpson drunk as shit at the reception - which makes the cover. Awww. Ashlee’s wedding really was a magical princess fairy tale dream come true. For Joe Simpson. Except that part where his little girl married some asshat, whats-his-name? Right, Chins Magoo.