Lindsay Lohan’s weekend went to hell in a lesbian basket Friday when it was reported Beverly Hill police have issued a warrant for her arrest. Details are fuzzy, but it regards her compliance with enrolling in education classes as… …read full story

Good news, everybody, Charles Barkley’s DUI arrest was for a worthy cause. He wanted to get some head. Finally, a drunk driving story with a happy ending. Well, almost a happy ending. The Smoking Gun reports:

Charles Barkley told Arizona cops that he ran a stop sign because he was in a hurry to pick up a girl who had “given him a ‘blow job’ one week earlier,” which the former NBA star described as “the best one he had ever had in his life.” According to a Gilbert Police Department report, a copy of which you’ll find here, police asked Barkley where he was going at the time of the 1:26 AM traffic stop in Scottsdale. “You want the truth? I was gonna drive around the corner and get a blow job,” answered Barkley.

A cooperative Barkley also joked with a civilian police employee that, “I’ll tattoo your name on my ass” if it would get him out of the DUI charge.

Oh, thank God. For a minute there I thought Charles Barkley was risking people’s lives for something retarded like KFC or Sports Center on TiVo. But a BJ? Who’s gonna fault him for that? “You see, son, Charles Barkley was with a woman whose mouth could take the paint off a golf ball. I’m telling you this so you know your father didn’t die in vain, and also, because I’m a terrible police officer. Which is why I shot your cat on the way in. Now, what kind of perfume does your mom like?”

Charles Barkley was arrested for DUI early this morning in Arizona after supposedly getting trashed with Michael Strahan and, no joke, Urkel, according to The Dirty. Suddenly, this news item went from boring to sad faster than you can say “Got any cheeeese?”

I have no respect for myself.

With Thanksgiving in a few days, one can’t help but focus on the things that really matter in life. Like gathering a volatile collection of relatives under the same roof and watching the crazy explode like an overcooked burrito in the microwave. People reports:

Heather Locklear and ex-husband Richie Sambora are embracing the spirit of Thanksgiving by celebrating the holiday together – along with Locklear’s boyfriend – this year.
“Richie and Heather are spending Thanksgiving together with [daughter] Ava,” a friend of Locklear’s tells PEOPLE. “Jack [Wagner] and a few good friends will also be having dinner with them.”
Locklear, 47, and Sambora, 49, split in 2006 after 12 years of marriage, but they continue to be supportive of each other, and to co-parent their 11 year old daughter.

Fantastic. Heather, you’ll remember, was popped for DUI in September, barely two months after she completed a rehab stay. Richie, meanwhile, loves their daughter Ava so much that he was arrested for driving drunk with her in the car in March. Plus, he’s in Bon Jovi, which is just completely fucked up. But somehow the two of them spending Thanksgiving together is going to result in something besides Ava crawling under the table while her mom and dad whip bottles of gin at each other. No, really, it’s like a holiday special waiting to be made.

Heather Locklear has been formally charged for DUI stemming from her September arrest. Authorities say she was under the influence of prescription medicines, according to People:

If convicted, the actress, 47, faces penalties ranging from a fine to up to six months in county jail.
An arraignment was set for Jan. 26 in Santa Barbara Superior Court.
“Lab tests showed she had no alcohol in her system and no illegal narcotics of any kind,” says Senior Deputy District Attorney Lee Carter, who declined to comment on what medications – or the amounts – Locklear had taken.

Dude, are you scoping out those looks? I think she wants me. Big time.

Lindsay Lohan is being sued by the three guys in the SUV she drunkenly commandeered to chase down her assistant last year. Ronnie Blake, Jakon Sutter and Dante Nigro are seeking unspecified damages (Read: We’ll settle for a quick mil and/or boob grab.) and described the traumatic incident in their lawsuit. People reports:

“Dante and Jakon continued to implore Lohan to slow down, stating specifically that she was endangering all of their lives and that they could be killed,” the lawsuit says. “Lohan refused to slow or stop, but instead responded with abusive cursing and vulgar language, including a statement that she did not care about the risk of death.”
The lawsuit adds: “She also stated that because she was a celebrity she could do whatever she wants.”
Lohan’s attorney, Ed McPherson, tells TMZ.com the lawsuit is “absurd.”
“These guys had the night of their lives, playing with the radio and leaving the vehicle at one point and getting back in,” he says.

“She also stated that because she was a celebrity she could do whatever she wants.” Okay, now they’re laying it on a little thick. Next they’re going to say she wore a top hat and monocle and tried to lower Batman into a vat of acid - then kicked a puppy.

David Spade, who somehow dated Heather Locklear in 2006 (Damn his hobbit magic!), texted her shortly after her recent DUI arrest to lend his support, according to People:

“I think things get blown out a lot of proportion,” said Spade. “She’s always solid and always a great person. And I think people understand she’s in a tough situation and she does her best.”

That’s nice. Because right after you get arrested for DUI you want to be reminded you dated David Spade. Jesus, while you’re at it, you might as well call her fat then insult her cooking.

Apparently, there’s some shady circumstances surrounding Heather Locklear’s DUI arrest. The person who called 911 to report Heather was former Us Weekly staffer Jill Ishkanian who was under FBI investigation for hacking Us computers to locate celebrities. TMZ reports:

When Heather got in her car, Ishkanian called 911, even though the car wasn’t even moving at the time.
Now get this — sources say immediately after Ishkanian called 911, she called a paparazzi agency to give them the heads up Heather was about to be popped. TMZ obtained those photos, not knowing it was Ishkanian who set the ball in motion.
And it gets worse. Ishkanian apparently is the only witness who says Lockelear was driving erratically and that she was drunk, even though it’s already established she was not under the influence of alcohol.

While Heather was not drunk, she was definitely under the influence of something which landed her the DUI. Unless that’s her normal face these days. In which case, come to papa! Finally, I can be with a women who will look like she’s seen the face of God when I take my pants off. You know, instead of my usual response of pointing, laughing and “I don’t get it.”

Heather Locklear was arrested by the California Highway Patrol for suspicion of driving under the influence of a controlled substance. She was picked up in Montecito after someone called 911 to report an erratic driver. The LA Times reports:

Locklear showed bizarre behavior, driving back and forth over a pair of sunglasses on the pavement and revving her engine. After leaving the parking lot, she stopped her car on the street and stumbled into the traffic lane, according to the caller, who followed Locklear out of concern, Marshall said.
When the CHP officer arrived, Locklear’s car was parked on State Route 192 partially blocking a lane, Marshall said. The officer talked to her and determined that she was disoriented and “under the influence of something.” She was taken to the CHP’s Santa Barbara-area office to be tested for alcohol and drugs.
Locklear tested negative for alcohol. Other drug tests will be returned in a few days, Marshall said.

Judging by her mugshot, there’s no way Heather Locklear will even realize she’s been arrested until at least Wednesday - of next week. On that note, I’m convinced she’s either trying to steal my soul or order a pizza telepathically. What’s that, Drug-Face? I don’t think “Denise Richards is a gaping whore” counts as a topping. But I’ll ask.

Shia LaBeouf will not be charged with DUI after a car accident in July that severely damaged his hand. Even though it was later determined the other driver ran a red light, Shia refused a breathalyzer test at the scene which could cost him his license for up to nine months. The Associated Press reports:

There was “insufficient evidence” to charge LaBeouf with drunken driving, Los Angeles County District Attorney spokeswoman Jane Robison said Thursday. She said prosecutors are mulling charges against two other people involved in the July collision, but could not provide further details.
“Shia is most happy that he will not have to go to court,” said his attorney, Michael Norris.

It’s official: The California Legal System loves Transformers. And, really, who doesn’t? It has cars that turn into robots AND Megan Fox’s navel. I’d let somebody recklessly drive around drunk for that. Then again, I have a drinking problem and the attention span of a caffeinated two-year-old. What was I talking about? Hey, look, I tied my own shoes!

Khloe Kardashian is now considered a receptacle for advice on drinking and driving after her three hour stint in jail. I’d say that qualifies her to dish out horribly vapid pearls of wisdom for recently arrested Shia LaBeouf which, oh, hey, that’s exactly what she did. Fantastic! Us Magazine reports:

“Just be smarter,” she told Usmagazine.com at the Annual Style L.A. Runway show benefitting the Facial Paralysis Foundation & Stop the Violence/Face the Music benefit.
“Think about your actions and get a driver!” the 24-year-old counseled. “It’s so much cheaper in the long run!”

“So much cheaper.” Interesting. How about, I dunno, nobody gets fucking killed? I mean, I guess that’s as important as saving a couple bucks. Then again, I don’t spend the majority of each day in a mansion with my sister trying to block the sun with our asses, so I could be wrong.

Shia LaBeouf’s crash on Sunday morning turned out to be not his fault despite being freaking loaded, according to the AP:

Sheriff’s spokesman Steve Whitmore says detectives have determined that the other driver apparently ran a red light, and will be also be cited.

Now this is something I wouldn’t want to know if I were Shia LaBeouf. I’d prefer learning a valuable lesson instead of finding out, “Hey, guess what, you’re actually a decent drunk driver who just got nailed by some idiot.” There’s only way that’ll end: Me filling my glove box with Jim Beam and Jell-O and starting an office car pool. Sure, everyone will complain I’m not wearing any pants, but have you seen those gas prices?

Shia LaBeouf was arrested for suspicion of DUI after crashing his pickup into another car early Sunday morning. His two passengers suffered minor injuries while Shia required surgery on his hand at Cedars-Sinai Medical Center. He was booked for misdemeanor DUI at the hospital where no photo or prints were taken, according to AP:

“It was immediately apparent to officers responding on the scene that LaBeouf was intoxicated and he was subsequently placed under arrest,” Wolf said.

And the Disney curse strikes again. Oh yeah, that’s right; Shia was a Disney child star ala Lindsay and Britney. What the fuck do they do to these kids? Promise the parents a boatload of cash as long as their little prodigies down a fifth of Jameson every morning with Michael Eisner? I mean, seriously that, uh, actually sounds kind of awesome. So, who wants to make a baby?

If Khloe Kardashian has a publicist, and we live in a cruel enough world for that to be true, he/she no doubt had a coronary after Khloe decided to talk to Ryan Seacrest about her excruciating three hours dealing with the legal system. Khloe cited the four year anniversary of the death her father, O.J. Simpson lawyer Robert Kardashian, as the reason for her drinking that led to the DUI arrest. Only to say he’s still looking out for her and pulling heavenly strings to keep her out of jail. Ha ha ha I want these people to get the Ebola virus. E! News reports:

“As soon as I got to Lynwood, there were three bomb threats…The warden came down to talk to me, and he was saying, ‘You’re the one causing all the problems here.’ And I’m like, ‘Ugh, I don’t need any more problems.’ And he’s like, ‘There’s all these bomb threats, and we’re thinking it’s for you.’
“But because of all these things, it’s a blessing, and I was actually released early because I was a threat to the prison.”
That, and, the correctional facility would no doubt like it pointed out, because of the perpetual overcrowding of the jail system. Still, Kardashian’s brief sojourn to the pokey paid off in sheer lessons learned.
“Honestly, I would never do it again…It’s just not worth it…It’s so much time.”

It’s so much time? THREE FUCKING HOURS?! Seriously, you sat and watched Batman which was just 30 minutes shy of the time you spent in jail. It’s moments like this I wish elephant hunting wasn’t illegal. Then again the odds of me going to jail are apparently slim. Somebody fetch my rifle and ivory saw. I don’t see any tusks in this photograph, but that could be from all the jowl.

UPDATE: TMZ just pissed in Khloe’s corn flakes: She cites the anniversary of her father’s death as the reason for her DUI when arrested on March 4. Except Robert Kardashian died on September 30. FTW? I almost felt bad about equating Khloe with a pachyderm. Now I wish I went with sperm whale. Next time, Khloe. Next time…

If Khloe Kardashian has a publicist, and we live in a cruel enough world for that to be true, he/she no doubt had a coronary after Khloe decided to talk to Ryan Seacrest about her excruciating three hours dealing with the legal system. Khloe cited the four year anniversary of the death her father, O.J. Simpson lawyer Robert Kardashian, as the reason for her drinking that led to the DUI arrest. Only to say he’s still looking out for her and pulling heavenly strings to keep her out of jail. Ha ha ha I want these people to get the Ebola virus. E! News reports:

“As soon as I got to Lynwood, there were three bomb threats…The warden came down to talk to me, and he was saying, ‘You’re the one causing all the problems here.’ And I’m like, ‘Ugh, I don’t need any more problems.’ And he’s like, ‘There’s all these bomb threats, and we’re thinking it’s for you.’
“But because of all these things, it’s a blessing, and I was actually released early because I was a threat to the prison.”
That, and, the correctional facility would no doubt like it pointed out, because of the perpetual overcrowding of the jail system. Still, Kardashian’s brief sojourn to the pokey paid off in sheer lessons learned.
“Honestly, I would never do it again…It’s just not worth it…It’s so much time.”

It’s so much time? THREE FUCKING HOURS?! Seriously, you sat and watched Batman which was just 30 minutes shy of the time you spent in jail. It’s moments like this I wish elephant hunting wasn’t illegal. Then again the odds of me going to jail are apparently slim. Somebody fetch my rifle and ivory saw. I don’t see any tusks in this photograph, but that could be from all the jowl.

Khloe Kardashian checked out The Dark Knight at The Grove Saturday and enjoyed the general bliss that comes from ducking 30 days in jail for DUI. I can tell by the remorseful look on her face, Khloe’s learned a lesson: Kardashians make the law their bitch. Well, I’ll show them. I’m going to get blitzed off my face then drive around their neighborhood. Yeah, this plan is genius. *starts chugging*

UPDATE: Dude, Geekologist, I’m telling you this plan will totally teach these people a lesson. What people? I dunno, somebody. I wrote it down on a napkin. Huh? I didn’t puke on my shirt. You puked on your shirt. At your mom’s house - with Chevy Chase riding a lawnmower. BURN!

UPDATE: Yum yum yummy I’ve got Jager in my tummy, yum yum I’m feeling like nachos.

UPDATE: Stop the press, who is that? This, this tree of a woman. A mighty red oak of breasts and timber thighs. I would totally hit tha- SHIT NUTS! I looked at her face. *shakes head* Hey, I’m absolutely 100% sober. How’d that happen? And why is there a tongue print on my monitor in front of Khloe Kardashian? As God as my witness, I am never drinking again.

UPDATE: Wait, I’m an atheist. To the Beer Cave! *crawls under desk*

Khloe Kardashian reported to the Van Nuys Courthouse to begin serving her jail sentence for violating a probation agreement from her 2007 DUI. And, aww, look, she brought the whole family. Because getting O.J. off the hook wasn’t a big enough mockery of the legal system for the Kardashians.

At any rate, let’s start taking bids on when she gets out. Nicole Richie and Lindsay Lohan both served just north of 80 minutes, but Khloe’s not exactly that caliber of celebrity. However, she does require those giant space cuffs used on Chewbacca in Star Wars, so it’s anyone’s guess really.

EDIT: Added Kim on Jimmy Kimmel last night talking about Khloe’s legal predicament after the jump. Thanks to JMack. You’re a freakin’ knight.

UPDATE: Khloe’s out! Time served: 173 minutes, according to TMZ, which means she’s almost exactly 50% less popular than Nicole Richie and Lindsay Lohan while still 50% taller than most women, Sasquatches and NBA guards.

Khloe Kardashian reported to the Van Nuys Courthouse to begin serving her jail sentence for violating a probation agreement from her 2007 DUI. And, aww, look, she brought the whole family. Because getting O.J. off the hook wasn’t a big enough mockery of the legal system for the Kardashians.

At any rate, let’s start taking bids on when she gets out. Nicole Richie and Lindsay Lohan both served just north of 80 minutes, but Khloe’s not exactly that caliber of celebrity. However, she does require those giant space cuffs used on Chewbacca in Star Wars, so it’s anyone’s guess really.

EDIT: Added Kim on Jimmy Kimmel last night talking about Khloe’s legal predicament after the jump. Thanks to JMack. You’re a freakin’ knight.

Lindsay Lohan is on the straight and narrow, according to the judge presiding over her probation case stemming from last year’s misdemeanor charges. Nothing like seeing a veritable booze tornado defy all odds and become a lesbian. *sniff* She was one of the greats. E! Online reports:

A Los Angeles judge agreed with the 22-year-old starlet’s attorney today when he determined that Lohan had “proper attendance” and “no missed dates” regarding the various obligations she has been required to attend as part of her probation from 2007’s twin-DUI debacle.

All I have to say is, they don’t make overprivileged child stars like they used to anymore. Britney’s cleaned herself up and now Lindsay. Christ, next you’re going to tell me Paris Hilton has stop killing homeless men with her death vagina. I’ve traveled into a parallel universe, haven’t I? I knew it. I bet I can fly in this one. Whee!

UPDATE: So I don’t have the power of flight. What I do have is the ability to bounce off the roof of a Prius into a bus. On that note, I’ll be typing with my tongue from here on outpbpt. Damfit.

Khloe Kardashian (Swamp Thing above who really shouldn’t be photographed next to Kourtney) apparently was picked up for DUI last year but managed to keep it out of the press. That is until she decided not to do any of her community service or enroll in alcohol education classes. Wow, that plan had everything. Khloe’s stupidity has landed her three days in jail starting no later than Friday and, not surprisingly, she couldn’t care less. People reports:

Over the weekend, Kardashian showed no obvious signs of worry about her upcoming jail term, as she attended a party at the Project Beach House in Malibu with her mother and sister Kourtney.
“Khloe actually looked great, really relaxed and having a good time,” says a partygoer at Sunday’s Lia Sophia Clambake. “[She] didn’t look like she had a care in the world and even got a massage.”

All Khloe had to do was pick up some trash along the highway and watch a video about the dangers of drunk driving. Of course, that’d probably be harder than the five minutes she’ll spend in jail. Provided she even makes it that far. Khloe’s sentence was already reduced from 30 days to three days within a matter of hours, so I imagine by tomorrow she’ll get a Bath & Body Works gift basket from the sheriff’s department with a note reading: “You be a good girl now.” If I actually paid my taxes, this is the sort of thing that would cause me to drink - then inevitably drive because, shit, they’re giving out hand soap!