Khloe Kardashian is now considered a receptacle for advice on drinking and driving after her three hour stint in jail. I’d say that qualifies her to dish out horribly vapid pearls of wisdom for recently arrested Shia LaBeouf which, oh, hey, that’s exactly what she did. Fantastic! Us Magazine reports:

“Just be smarter,” she told Usmagazine.com at the Annual Style L.A. Runway show benefitting the Facial Paralysis Foundation & Stop the Violence/Face the Music benefit.
“Think about your actions and get a driver!” the 24-year-old counseled. “It’s so much cheaper in the long run!”

“So much cheaper.” Interesting. How about, I dunno, nobody gets fucking killed? I mean, I guess that’s as important as saving a couple bucks. Then again, I don’t spend the majority of each day in a mansion with my sister trying to block the sun with our asses, so I could be wrong.

Shia LaBeouf’s crash on Sunday morning turned out to be not his fault despite being freaking loaded, according to the AP:

Sheriff’s spokesman Steve Whitmore says detectives have determined that the other driver apparently ran a red light, and will be also be cited.

Now this is something I wouldn’t want to know if I were Shia LaBeouf. I’d prefer learning a valuable lesson instead of finding out, “Hey, guess what, you’re actually a decent drunk driver who just got nailed by some idiot.” There’s only way that’ll end: Me filling my glove box with Jim Beam and Jell-O and starting an office car pool. Sure, everyone will complain I’m not wearing any pants, but have you seen those gas prices?

Shia LaBeouf was arrested for suspicion of DUI after crashing his pickup into another car early Sunday morning. His two passengers suffered minor injuries while Shia required surgery on his hand at Cedars-Sinai Medical Center. He was booked for misdemeanor DUI at the hospital where no photo or prints were taken, according to AP:

“It was immediately apparent to officers responding on the scene that LaBeouf was intoxicated and he was subsequently placed under arrest,” Wolf said.

And the Disney curse strikes again. Oh yeah, that’s right; Shia was a Disney child star ala Lindsay and Britney. What the fuck do they do to these kids? Promise the parents a boatload of cash as long as their little prodigies down a fifth of Jameson every morning with Michael Eisner? I mean, seriously that, uh, actually sounds kind of awesome. So, who wants to make a baby?

If Khloe Kardashian has a publicist, and we live in a cruel enough world for that to be true, he/she no doubt had a coronary after Khloe decided to talk to Ryan Seacrest about her excruciating three hours dealing with the legal system. Khloe cited the four year anniversary of the death her father, O.J. Simpson lawyer Robert Kardashian, as the reason for her drinking that led to the DUI arrest. Only to say he’s still looking out for her and pulling heavenly strings to keep her out of jail. Ha ha ha I want these people to get the Ebola virus. E! News reports:

“As soon as I got to Lynwood, there were three bomb threats…The warden came down to talk to me, and he was saying, ‘You’re the one causing all the problems here.’ And I’m like, ‘Ugh, I don’t need any more problems.’ And he’s like, ‘There’s all these bomb threats, and we’re thinking it’s for you.’
“But because of all these things, it’s a blessing, and I was actually released early because I was a threat to the prison.”
That, and, the correctional facility would no doubt like it pointed out, because of the perpetual overcrowding of the jail system. Still, Kardashian’s brief sojourn to the pokey paid off in sheer lessons learned.
“Honestly, I would never do it again…It’s just not worth it…It’s so much time.”

It’s so much time? THREE FUCKING HOURS?! Seriously, you sat and watched Batman which was just 30 minutes shy of the time you spent in jail. It’s moments like this I wish elephant hunting wasn’t illegal. Then again the odds of me going to jail are apparently slim. Somebody fetch my rifle and ivory saw. I don’t see any tusks in this photograph, but that could be from all the jowl.

UPDATE: TMZ just pissed in Khloe’s corn flakes: She cites the anniversary of her father’s death as the reason for her DUI when arrested on March 4. Except Robert Kardashian died on September 30. FTW? I almost felt bad about equating Khloe with a pachyderm. Now I wish I went with sperm whale. Next time, Khloe. Next time…

If Khloe Kardashian has a publicist, and we live in a cruel enough world for that to be true, he/she no doubt had a coronary after Khloe decided to talk to Ryan Seacrest about her excruciating three hours dealing with the legal system. Khloe cited the four year anniversary of the death her father, O.J. Simpson lawyer Robert Kardashian, as the reason for her drinking that led to the DUI arrest. Only to say he’s still looking out for her and pulling heavenly strings to keep her out of jail. Ha ha ha I want these people to get the Ebola virus. E! News reports:

“As soon as I got to Lynwood, there were three bomb threats…The warden came down to talk to me, and he was saying, ‘You’re the one causing all the problems here.’ And I’m like, ‘Ugh, I don’t need any more problems.’ And he’s like, ‘There’s all these bomb threats, and we’re thinking it’s for you.’
“But because of all these things, it’s a blessing, and I was actually released early because I was a threat to the prison.”
That, and, the correctional facility would no doubt like it pointed out, because of the perpetual overcrowding of the jail system. Still, Kardashian’s brief sojourn to the pokey paid off in sheer lessons learned.
“Honestly, I would never do it again…It’s just not worth it…It’s so much time.”

It’s so much time? THREE FUCKING HOURS?! Seriously, you sat and watched Batman which was just 30 minutes shy of the time you spent in jail. It’s moments like this I wish elephant hunting wasn’t illegal. Then again the odds of me going to jail are apparently slim. Somebody fetch my rifle and ivory saw. I don’t see any tusks in this photograph, but that could be from all the jowl.

Khloe Kardashian checked out The Dark Knight at The Grove Saturday and enjoyed the general bliss that comes from ducking 30 days in jail for DUI. I can tell by the remorseful look on her face, Khloe’s learned a lesson: Kardashians make the law their bitch. Well, I’ll show them. I’m going to get blitzed off my face then drive around their neighborhood. Yeah, this plan is genius. *starts chugging*

UPDATE: Dude, Geekologist, I’m telling you this plan will totally teach these people a lesson. What people? I dunno, somebody. I wrote it down on a napkin. Huh? I didn’t puke on my shirt. You puked on your shirt. At your mom’s house - with Chevy Chase riding a lawnmower. BURN!

UPDATE: Yum yum yummy I’ve got Jager in my tummy, yum yum I’m feeling like nachos.

UPDATE: Stop the press, who is that? This, this tree of a woman. A mighty red oak of breasts and timber thighs. I would totally hit tha- SHIT NUTS! I looked at her face. *shakes head* Hey, I’m absolutely 100% sober. How’d that happen? And why is there a tongue print on my monitor in front of Khloe Kardashian? As God as my witness, I am never drinking again.

UPDATE: Wait, I’m an atheist. To the Beer Cave! *crawls under desk*

Khloe Kardashian reported to the Van Nuys Courthouse to begin serving her jail sentence for violating a probation agreement from her 2007 DUI. And, aww, look, she brought the whole family. Because getting O.J. off the hook wasn’t a big enough mockery of the legal system for the Kardashians.

At any rate, let’s start taking bids on when she gets out. Nicole Richie and Lindsay Lohan both served just north of 80 minutes, but Khloe’s not exactly that caliber of celebrity. However, she does require those giant space cuffs used on Chewbacca in Star Wars, so it’s anyone’s guess really.

EDIT: Added Kim on Jimmy Kimmel last night talking about Khloe’s legal predicament after the jump. Thanks to JMack. You’re a freakin’ knight.

UPDATE: Khloe’s out! Time served: 173 minutes, according to TMZ, which means she’s almost exactly 50% less popular than Nicole Richie and Lindsay Lohan while still 50% taller than most women, Sasquatches and NBA guards.

Khloe Kardashian reported to the Van Nuys Courthouse to begin serving her jail sentence for violating a probation agreement from her 2007 DUI. And, aww, look, she brought the whole family. Because getting O.J. off the hook wasn’t a big enough mockery of the legal system for the Kardashians.

At any rate, let’s start taking bids on when she gets out. Nicole Richie and Lindsay Lohan both served just north of 80 minutes, but Khloe’s not exactly that caliber of celebrity. However, she does require those giant space cuffs used on Chewbacca in Star Wars, so it’s anyone’s guess really.

EDIT: Added Kim on Jimmy Kimmel last night talking about Khloe’s legal predicament after the jump. Thanks to JMack. You’re a freakin’ knight.

Lindsay Lohan is on the straight and narrow, according to the judge presiding over her probation case stemming from last year’s misdemeanor charges. Nothing like seeing a veritable booze tornado defy all odds and become a lesbian. *sniff* She was one of the greats. E! Online reports:

A Los Angeles judge agreed with the 22-year-old starlet’s attorney today when he determined that Lohan had “proper attendance” and “no missed dates” regarding the various obligations she has been required to attend as part of her probation from 2007’s twin-DUI debacle.

All I have to say is, they don’t make overprivileged child stars like they used to anymore. Britney’s cleaned herself up and now Lindsay. Christ, next you’re going to tell me Paris Hilton has stop killing homeless men with her death vagina. I’ve traveled into a parallel universe, haven’t I? I knew it. I bet I can fly in this one. Whee!

UPDATE: So I don’t have the power of flight. What I do have is the ability to bounce off the roof of a Prius into a bus. On that note, I’ll be typing with my tongue from here on outpbpt. Damfit.

Khloe Kardashian (Swamp Thing above who really shouldn’t be photographed next to Kourtney) apparently was picked up for DUI last year but managed to keep it out of the press. That is until she decided not to do any of her community service or enroll in alcohol education classes. Wow, that plan had everything. Khloe’s stupidity has landed her three days in jail starting no later than Friday and, not surprisingly, she couldn’t care less. People reports:

Over the weekend, Kardashian showed no obvious signs of worry about her upcoming jail term, as she attended a party at the Project Beach House in Malibu with her mother and sister Kourtney.
“Khloe actually looked great, really relaxed and having a good time,” says a partygoer at Sunday’s Lia Sophia Clambake. “[She] didn’t look like she had a care in the world and even got a massage.”

All Khloe had to do was pick up some trash along the highway and watch a video about the dangers of drunk driving. Of course, that’d probably be harder than the five minutes she’ll spend in jail. Provided she even makes it that far. Khloe’s sentence was already reduced from 30 days to three days within a matter of hours, so I imagine by tomorrow she’ll get a Bath & Body Works gift basket from the sheriff’s department with a note reading: “You be a good girl now.” If I actually paid my taxes, this is the sort of thing that would cause me to drink - then inevitably drive because, shit, they’re giving out hand soap!

Snoop Dogg’s wife Shante was picked up in Orange County for DUI early Saturday morning, according to the AP:

Fullerton police Lt. Craig Brower says officers stopped 32-year-old Shante (Shahn-taye) Broadus of Sherman Oaks about 12:15 a.m. Saturday and took her to jail. She was cited and then released pending a court appearance.
Brower says nobody else was in the car but he didn’t have any other details.

I bet Snoop strolled into the station to pick up his wife and, suddenly, music starts playing while strippers drop from the ceiling. A hobo announces “IT’S SNOOP DIZZLE DOGGY D!” and all the cops realize they hate paperwork but love malt liquor. But, with a scratch of the record, Detective Partypooper (according to his name tag) says “Just a darn minute. This man’s wife was arrested for DWI. That’s no partying matter!” Then everyone just laughs while Black Riddler starts a conga line. For such is my understanding of the bail bond process.

Filed under: Transportation

The biggest problem with the mid-Western drive-thru isn’t the fact that you can readily purchase alcohol from the dank comforts of your old hoopdie, it’s the dilemma presented in keeping that beer-flavored soda chilled for duration. Enter the $760 fridge on Ford’s new Flex guzzler. The add-on drops up to seven, 12-oz cans of room-temp suds down to 41-degrees F in 2.5 hours. It’ll also keep things a frosty 23-degrees in freezer mode. Add anti-drunk-proofing option and watch the car implode.

[Buddy’s Beer Barn photo courtesy of mpaulda]

Read | Permalink | Email this | Comments

Richie Sambora was formally charged today with “two misdemeanor counts of driving under the influence of alcohol and driving with a blood-alcohol level above the legal limit.” Prosecutors, however, did not charge Richie with child endangerment despite a recommendation from the arresting officers. He had two minors in the car and one one was his 10-year-old daughter. The AP reports:

The 48-year-old Sambora was pulled over by police in Laguna Beach on March 25 after his vehicle was allegedly swerving and straddling two lanes. The district attorney’s office says his blood-alcohol level was nearly twice the legal limit in California.

Okay, some people (i.e. Bon Jovi fans) complained that Richie just had a few drinks at dinner and drove home with his kids. It happens all the time. But, looky here, the dude blew twice the legal limit! So basically Richie downed a fifth of Jim Beam, and I imagine the following took place: “Yum yum. Shit, we should get some nachos. I’ll drive! No, whoa, wait. Wait a minute. Hold on. We’re forgetting something. Aw, right, the kids! Phew, man, I almost left them here. Talk about shitty parenting. Nice save, Richie.” *HORF* “Ha! I just puked in my boots. Family time rocks. Alright, everyone buckled in?”

Richie Sambora is staring down the barrel of child endangerment charges stemming from his DUI arrest where he had his 10-year-old daughter in the car. The Laguna Beach Police have handed the case over to prosecutors who will ultimately decide what charges to purse. The police are recommending he be nailed for both the DUI and child endangerment. People reports:

“Assuming Sambora was driving with over a .08 blood-alcohol level with a passenger under 14 in the car, he’s looking at probable jail time,” says veteran DUI lawyer Lawrence Taylor, who’s not involved with the case. “But it’s possible this can be plea bargained to a lesser offense, and/or he could get rehab in lieu of jail.”

You know I think it’s time we had a long, serious discussion on the celebrity justice system in this country and the revolving door rehab solution to avoiding jail ti- What’s that? Free donuts at Dunkin DeezNuts today? *kicks down wall of cubicle* VOLTRON, ASSEMBLE! I mean, BILL, GET YOUR KEYS! Oh, wait, the post. *thinks* Ah ha!

Richie Sambora is fat.

Swish!

Richie Sambora thanked all his fans and friends at a concert in Denver last night for supporting him and his dumb-as-fuck decision to drunkenly drive his Hummer all over the road with his daughter in the front seat. He couldn’t get through these difficult times without millions of people saying “We listen to Bon Jovi. How the hell do you drive sober?” People reports:

“Hello Denver,” he said, as the crowd cheered. “I just want to thank everyone for their support. Sometimes friends need the help of their friends to get by. This next song is one that keeps coming back in my life and is current again … .”

Richie then played a solo rendition of “These Days” (lyrics here) which made absolutely no sense at all. Unless the words “These days there ain’t a ladder on the streets” is alluding to the fact that Richie ran over it.

Richie Sambora was arrested for DUI and is now staring down the barrel of charges for child endangerment since he brilliantly decided to drive drunk with his 10-year-old daughter Ava in the car. Also in the car was another minor and an unidentified woman. Scope out Heather Locklear’s response when notified of the arrest, according to TMZ:

And, police sources say, after Sambora was busted, the cops called Heather Locklear, Ava’s mom. We’re told Heather authorized the woman in the car to drive her daughter home.

Okay, your ex-husband just get picked up driving drunk with your daughter in the car. Most mothers would’ve rushed to the scene and picked up their child. Heather Locker says, “Eh, just let some chick drive her home.” Damn, she’s hot and lazy. It’s almost like we were made for each other. Heather, will you marry me? I promise not to leave you for Denise Richards. Unless I could somehow pull it off without leaving the couch….

Richie Sambora, of Bon Jovi fame, was picked up last night for DUI by Laguna Beach police, according to
TMZ:

Cops say they observed him driving erratically in a black Hummer and pulled him over. He failed numerous field sobriety tests and was detained for DUI.
At the station a cooperative Sambora opted to take a blood test rather than blow into a breathalyzer. Laguna Beach PD tells TMZ there’s no indication of drugs.

Richie also had a female passenger car who police immediately clarified wasn’t a celebrity. Ha! Loser. Can’t even get a famous chick to ride shotgun while you’re tanked. And to think I respected you. *rips down Bon Jovi poster* Wait, I don’t like Bon Jovi. Then what did I just rip down? And why is my roommate clutching his bleeding chest crying about his tattoo being ruined? What a weirdo.

UPDATE: So it turns out Richie Sambora’s 10-year-old daughter was in the car at the time of the arrest, according to TMZ. What a fucking idiot. Heather Locklear’s lawyers are going to have a field day with this shit. Driving drunk with a kid in a car, Christ. I didn’t know they gave out Father of the Year Awards for “Most Retarded.”

Mickey Rourke’s DUI arrest while driving his Vespa was reduced to a lesser charge of reckless driving. His lawyer effectively proved the breathalyzer was faulty. Mickey took the opportunity to voice his opinions to the Palm Beach Post about the cop that arrested him:

“I’m friends with most cops in the city and they told me the guy who got me isn’t even liked by his colleagues,” Rourke tells Page Two. “He’s a 400-pound fuck unfit for duty.”

Mickey had a passenger with him on the Vespa, but there’s no way anyone was getting a hold of her to testify. He doesn’t even know who the hell she was:

Rourke said the mysterious blond riding on the back of the Vespa at the time of his arrest couldn’t have been used as a witness at a trial.
“Don’t ask me her name,” Rourke says. “I have no idea who she was. I met her in a bar and never saw her again.”

Hell yeah, Mickey Rourke. Getting arrested for DUI on a Vespa with some chick you picked up at a bar is American as apple pie - made with whiskey. And to prove how unequivocally badass you are, Mickey, these latest photos show you walking around looking like Kathleen Turner. Righteous!

Danielle Fishel (a.k.a. Topanga from Boy Meets World) went before a judge and bawled her eyes out for missing a court date in her DUI case. Apparently her calculated legal strategy worked and her probation was reinstated. Ah, sweet justice. TMZ reports:

Danielle Fishel went under radar as she appeared in a LA Courthouse earlier this year. She had failed to show for a hearing in an earlier DUI case and a warrant was issued for her arrest. Then last December, she was pulled over in the O.C. When cops ran her name in the computer, they found she had a warrant and busted her.

First off, she went under the radar because I guarantee at least half the comments will read “Who the hell is Danielle Fishel?” She was the love interest of Corey Matthews. DUH! God, people, open a book once in a while. Anyway, it’s nice to know that you can simply cry your way out of jail. But, sadly, that didn’t work for me. When I bawled before a judge they threw me right in the slammer. Mostly because it wasn’t even my trial and I sort of parked my car in the juror box - upside down. So called “legal experts” will blame the bottle of Jager I drank for breakfast. I blame the county for letting me build a ramp in five minutes out in the parking lot. Honestly, what do I pay taxes for?

Thomas Jane, or Tom Jane as he likes to be called, got picked up for DUI early yesterday morning. The star of The Punisher, and the only actor alive to make someone say, “Wow, I miss Dolph Lundgren,” was apparently trying to break the sound barrier when the California Highway Patrol stopped him, according to the AP:

The CHP says the 39-year-old actor was driving his black 2008 Maserati at 124 mph when he was stopped on Interstate 5 in Kern County early Monday morning. He was arrested on suspicion of DUI.

TMZ says Tom Jane failed several field sobriety tests and was also driving on a suspended license. Of course, it should be noted this guy is married to Patricia Arquette so he has a history of making astronomically stupid choices that no one should make unless there’s a gun to your head. Even then, really, how bad could permanent brain damage be? Heidi Montag seems to be doing alright for herself.