Hayden Panettiere stopped by The Ellen Show where, on a dare, she flashed a pair of boxer briefs that read “Ellen” around the waist. While it sounds hot, the whole scene was awkwardly random and over as soon as it began. I included the video after the jump and, fortunately, the flashing goes down within the first minute because the rest of the clip made me want to slam my testicles in a car door. I can only assume Hayden realized she sucks on talk shows and took drastic action. If that’s the case, you know what really gets people’s attention? Having sex with a blogger. True story.

Ellen DeGeneres and Portia de Rossi made good on their promise to immediately wed once the ban against gay marriage was deemed unconstitutional in California. Somewhere, John McCain just went “Huh? What? I want tapioca.” People reports:

“Ellen DeGeneres and Portia de Rossi were married tonight in an intimate ceremony at their home in Los Angeles,” their spokesperson tells PEOPLE exclusively.

Congratulations to Ellen and Portia. I’m a firm believer that everyone, whether you’re born gay, straight or, in my first wife’s case: porpoise, should have the right to make the most retarded decision of your life. I mean, seriously, I still don’t know how she got to keep the house. I should’ve gone for a prenup, but like any man in my shoes, I couldn’t keep my mind off the blowhole. Ultimately, it’s what drove us apart at the end. And, okay, maybe the harpoon gun.

Ellen DeGeneres and Portia de Rossi are taking immediate advantage of the California Supreme Court ruling that struck down the ban on gay marriage. The two plan to wed according to a spy for TMZ who was on the set for the latest episode of Ellen that will air today:

She surprised everyone and announced that she was going to tie the knot with longtime girlfriend, actress Portia de Rossi. Portia was in the crowd and after she made the announcement, the studio audience went wild, giving the two a huge standing O.

To some people, this news is a triumph for civil liberties. To others (*cough*thesouth*cough*), this is worse than 9/11. To me, however, this is just confusing. I mean, who makes the sandwiches? Do they flip a coin or something? I want to say Ellen is the “man,” but then again Portia looks like she could throw some elbows. But those elbows could do some wicked ironing. God, this is tough. Superficial Writer frustrated! Superficial Writer lie on floor of men’s room. Superficial Writer hash this thing out.

UPDATE: Superficial Writer caught Geekologie Writer no wash hands.

Ashlee Simpson continued to play cute about the rumors that she’s pregnant. You know, the ones that conveniently started spreading around the release of her new album. When asked if she was pregnant on Ellen Degeneres today, Ashlee wouldn’t give a definitive answer. God willing, she’ll be able to milk this until her next mediocre album in 2010. Us Magazine reports:

“Do I look like I had 10 cheeseburgers or something … because I don’t think I do,” before standing up.
Pointing to a photo of Jennifer Lopez, DeGeneres then asked, “You’re not going to keep this answer up as long as this woman did….”
Laughing, Simpson replied, “No, I’m not. I swear. I promise you that. I give you my pinky on that.”

After the show, Ellen decided to take Ashlee up on her offer and cut off her pinky for collateral. Pete Wentz heroically came to the rescue by whipping out his penis*. This caused Ellen to emit an ear-piercing shriek before changing into a bat and vanishing into the night. For such are the ways of her kind.**

*Presence of male genitalia assumed for comedic purposes only.

**Some scientists claim lesbians actually change into werewolves. The Superficial will not choose a side in this hotly contested debate until further research is conducted. Preferably in the form of pudding wrestling and/or nude decathlons.

These are stills from Christina Aguilera’s appearance on Ellen yesterday. For those of you who couldn’t sit through the video, here’s the highlights. And by highlights I mean her boobs. I don’t know why I felt the need to spell that out. It’s pretty much a given on this site. I guess sometimes I want to make sure we’re all on the same page. And by the same page I mean her boobs.

Ellen DeGeneres, like any red-blooded man, found herself awestruck by the mammary glands of Christina Aguilera. Christina stopped by Ellen’s show today, and Ellen asked the question that’s on everyone’s minds. People reports:

“You look great. One question: Are you nursing?”
A blushing Aguilera responded: “I guess it’s a little obvious,” and DeGeneres quipped back, “It’s going to be a healthy baby boy.”

But it wasn’t just tits and nipples. It was also about wangs. Notably balloons shaped like wangs as Christina divulged her horribly apropos choice of decorations for her son Max’s bris:

“We are not a very conservative couple,” she told DeGeneres. “For decorations we put up penis balloons all over the place. It was really fun, it was really great.” A stunned Ellen replied: ” “Really, they have penis balloons in a shop … you can just buy them?”

But then Ellen quickly realized her folly. She said the word “penis.” That mammoth-chested bitch tricked her! But before Ellen could react it was too late. She was transported back to her home dimesion - never to return. On that note, Ellen’s show will now be replaced by “The Christina Aguilera Boob Hour.” If you’ll excuse me, I need to set my TiVo and buy a whole lot of maple syrup. Uh, because I’m making waffles. Yeah, waffles…

Super chesty video of the interview after the jump.

Mariah Carey stopped by Ellen’s show yesterday, you know the one that’s still going on despite a writer’s strike. Mariah was wearing her new perfume, M by Mariah Carey, prompting Ellen to say, “you smell a little like s’mores,” according to People:

“The marshmallow element you smelled before is the top note and was a subliminal thing – just to give you little campfire memories,” she explained of her first-ever fragrance.

Mariah Carey smells like campfire treats. Wow, I was way off. I always assumed she smelled like postage stamps, crazy, and a bushel of cleavage. Shows how much I know. Of course, I do spend half the day with my nose inside a brandy snifter. Is the brandy supposed to go up your nose? Is that how fancy people do it? Because I’m feeling kind of funny. And by funny, I mean awesome, and no longer see the need to wear pants. Stop oppressing me, slacks!

One day after the writers strike began, Ellen DeGeneres crossed the picket line to tape an episode of her show on Tuesday. She skipped her usual monologue in honor of her writers who she says she loves, but she didn’t want to disappoint the audience who “traveled across the country.” However, shortly after word of her strikebreaking spread, some writers who worked on Ellen’s sitcom are saying she’s full of crap. Page Six reports:

“We’d watch her in rehearsals, smiling and winning us over with her charm and comic timing. Then the director would yell cut, her face would fall, and she’d level a glare at the writers. ‘Why do you keep writing these unfunny jokes?’ she’d hiss.
“Ellen frequently eviscerated the head writer and . . . boasted of the changes she’d make in season two, starting with his firing.”
“I’m disappointed in Ellen [for crossing the picket line] but not surprised . . . given what I’ve seen from her with my own two eyes.”

Another source for Page Six offered his insight on the situation:

A TV insider said DeGeneres is unwilling to honor the picket line because “this is her last chance in show business. This show is the only thing keeping her from a lifetime of touring college campuses.”

Are college students even into Ellen DeGeneres? Last time I checked they were into things like Dave Matthews, Ultimate Frisbee and Facebook which, now that I think about it, are all ridiculously gay. Hmm, maybe this Ellen on campus thing could work out. That’s good for her considering no one wants to write for her again. Especially not me. I thought the pilot I wrote where Ellen ran a sushi bar was not only witty but informative. Ellen thought it was worth a taser to the nads followed by a restraining order. Creative differences, I suppose.

First off, I had no idea other celebrities existed besides Britney Spears, Lindsay Lohan and anyone with a crazy set of fake tits. (Who the hell is Ellen DeGeneres? What is a dog?) Much like you, I’m frightened and confused. Maybe, after this post, will you just hold me? Thanks. FOX News has the details:

DeGeneres explained on her show that the Brussels Griffon terrier mix didn’t get along with her cats, so she gave it to her hairstylist’s family. The owners of Mutts and Moms claimed that DeGeneres violated the adoption agreement by not informing them that she was giving the dog away and removed Iggy from the hairstylist’s home Sunday. As a result of the publicity, Marina Batkis and Vanessa Chekroun received voice mail and e-mail threats of death and arson.

Apparently the adoption agency feel Ellen’s hairdresser’s family is unfit:

Fink said Moms and Mutts has a rule that families with children under 14 are not allowed to adopt small dogs.
“It’s for the protection of the dog,” he said

Man, it sounds like these adoption folks are in some hot water. They’re going to need some dirt on Ellen to dig their way out of this one. Dirt which I just so happen to have. Yep, for a small fee I could be enticed to hand over photos of Ellen eating a kitten. I’ve got them right here in my – oh, wait, my bad. It’s Owen Wilson at a pig roast. You can see how I got them confused, right? Because they’re both blonde and, you know, lesbians.