Good news, everybody! Despite what the media has been reporting (what with its anti-single-supermodels agenda), Miranda Kerr is not—repeat, not—marrying Orlando Bloom. People reports:

A rep for Bloom’s girlfriend Miranda Kerr is knocking down a report in the Australian media Sunday that the Pirates of the Caribbean star and the model are engaged.
“The story … is completely false and misleading,” the rep says. “Miranda herself has clearly stated she is not engaged. There is nothing else to be said.”
But while they’re not making marriage plans at present, Bloom, 31, and Kerr, 25, are still very much a couple, and Kerry recently spoke about someday settling down with a special someone and having kids.

Sounds like Orlando Bloom got punked pretty hard there. You just know that Miranda probably responded to his 1,000th whiny request to marry him with a, “Hmmm…maybe,” then after he bragged to all his buddies and about it and leaked it to the press, she sent her publicist out there to shoot him down. She probably plays all sorts of similar pranks on him, like “Got your nose” and “Hid your medication.” She just seems cool like that.

Kendra Wilkinson hasn’t even left the Playboy Mansion yet and she’s already engaged. Phildadelphia Eagle Hank Baskett proposed to the soon-to-be-former Girl Next Door atop the Space Needle over the weekend. E! News reports:

Both fams were present for the proposal, and Ken-babe seemed completely shell-shocked at the revealed ring. H.B. even got down on one knee to pop the big q to the former Playmate. Tho our source swears she saw the whole happy event with her own eyes, we inquired with K’s reps…haven’t heard back.
But, a close Kendra friend has confirmed, “it’s true.”

HANK: Kendra, this ring represents my love, baby.
KENDRA: Oh my god!
HANK: And this Space Needle represents my well, heh heh, you know.
KENDRA: Oh.. my god?
HANK: It too has its own elevator, restaurant and valet parking.
KENDRA: I’m not signing a prenup.
HANK: Fair enough. Would you like to see the aquarium I’m installing?

Adding fuel to the pregnancy rumors, Jessica Simpson and Tony Romo were recently spotted in Nieman Marcus shopping for engagement rings and are looking to get married on the ASAP, according to a source for the Chicago Sun-Times:

Jessica Simpson and main man and Dallas Cowboys quarterback Tony Romo were in the store checking out big sparklers — the kind women wear on their left-hand ring finger.
I’m hearing the couple are talking about a winter wedding. Dallas fans can relax. The happy twosome are said to be planning to tie the knot well after the end of the NFL season, including the Super Bowl — should the Cowboys make it to the big game in Tampa, Fla.

All I know is, if the Cowboys blow it in the playoffs again, that kid’s going to grow up without a father. Just sayin’. In the meantime, check out the last pic which proves my theory Jessica Simpson really is a clone of Britney Spears - but with the capacity to know shame. Neat, except I heard the new models have built-in ashtrays.

These are shots of recently engaged couple Channing Tatum and his Step Up co-star Jenna Dewan in Hawaii. I’d like to apologize in advance that most of these shots of Jenna don’t show her face and all you see is her bikini clad butt. Not exactly classy, I know. So if it makes you feel better, I edited these photos while smoking a pipe in my study and wearing a monogrammed robe. And by monogrammed I mean Wile E. Coyote chasing the Roadrunner. Ha ha! His skates have rockets.

EDIT: Found some of Jenna from the front. Umm, yay?

Nicollette Sheridan and Michael Bolton are no longer getting married, E! News reports:

They “have amicably ended their engagement,” Sheridan’s rep said in a statement Tuesday. “They appreciate your respect for their privacy in this matter.”

Hey, life sucks then you die. What I’m more concerned with is how the hell is Nicollette Sheridan’s nipples practically visible through a sweat suit? Those things are fucking bionic. Someone get this chick in the ring with Jennifer Aniston and crank up the A/C. There can be only one!

Lindsay Lohan loaded up on the collagen last night before going out to celebrate Samantha Ronson’s birthday. But Jenna Jameson duck lips wasn’t all she had on, Lindsay was also sporting a diamond engagement ring. So the lesbian wedding is seriously a go? Did not see that one coming. I always figured Lindsay would marry a hockey team - or an entire storage shed filled with coke.

EDIT: Okay, now I linked to the right ring. What can I say? I’m magic.

Salma Hayek and French billionaire guy Francois-Henri Pinault have called off their engagement, according to a statement issued to USA Today:

“We are sad to announce the engagement of Salma Hayek and Francois-Henri Pinault has been canceled. There will be no further comment,” Hayek’s rep said in a statement.

It should be noted, however, that Salma gave birth to Francois-Henri’s child Valentina last September. I believe there’s a technical term for this type of situation. What was it again? Oh, right: CHA-CHING!

Hayden Panettiere’s boyfriend and Heroes co-star Milo Ventimiglia is picking out engagement rings for my favorite midget hottie. While I figure out the best way to punch him in the gonads, scope out the details from InTouch:

The actor, 31, recently confided to a friend that even though Hayden is only 18 years old, he wants to get engaged, preferably this year. “Milo was looking at rings in late June,” the pal says. “He really likes Cartier and intends to spend around $200,000.”

Okay, sure, Milo can provide Hayden with fancy things like his Hollywood good looks and an expensive engagement. But I’ve got a face full of handsome as well. Okay, maybe I’m not rich, but I know how to treat a lady. You’ve got to support their neck and be sure to burp them after eating. Oh yeah, I know my shit. Hayden, let’s get romantic.

Justin Timberlake is reportedly getting ready to propose to his girlfriend Jessica Biel. You may remember her from that time you saw her ass, fainted head first into the copy machine and crapped yourself. Because, yeah, that so happened to you and not me. I don’t even know what a copy machine is. The Sun reports:

One source said Jessica has not been drinking recently, sparking pregnancy rumours. They added: “Justin is 27 and thinking about marriage and kids.
“For the first time in his life he is feeling settled and has definitely decided to pop the question to Jessica. He is so happy with her. They spent quite a bit of time apart recently when Justin was working with MADONNA. That made him certain Jessica was the person he wanted to spend the rest of his life with.”

Justin wants the wedding to be held on the West Indian island of Mustique because not only is the place pimp as shit, but it’s private property so he can keep the press out. Not while I have my fake alligator suit, sucker!:

His friend added: “Although Justin has lived his whole life in the public eye, he feels his wedding is the one day that should remain private. To get all his close friends and family to Mustique will cost a fortune. But he can’t put a price on how he feels about Jessica. Then there are the rumours about a baby being on the way.”

I love how anytime a celeb is getting married it’s immediately assumed it’s a shotgun wedding. Even though that’s the case 99.5% of the time. (Tell ‘em, Pete Wentz.) I mean, whatever happened to good old-fashioned gold-digging? Sometimes you just want to marry a person to take all their money. C’mon, that’s romantic. Now, if you’ll excuse me I need to put on my cut-off jeans and clean the pool. My wife gets super-pissed if I’m not out there while she’s playing shuffleboard. Otherwise, it’s the doghouse for me. But, no, seriously, the old nut thinks I’m a Pomeranian. Help.

Owen Wilson, no doubt riding the dragon again, allegedly proposed to Kate Hudson who, uh, wow seems to be wearing my grandmother’s curtains. I have no freaking clue what’s going on there except Kate better steer clear of any cats and/or open flames. The Sun reports:

“Kate supported Owen during his low patch and that proved to him she’s the woman he wants to be with for ever. He picked out the ring and went for the biggest one he could find. He was nervous about proposing but Kate was thrilled and the whole thing was really emotional. The engagement is a natural step forward for them both and Kate’s ecstatic.”

However, Us Magazine claims to have exclusive confirmation from Kate and Owen’s rep that they are not engaged:

She’s definitely not engaged,” a rep for Hudson tells Usmagazine.com. A rep for Wilson, 39, also confirms the rumors are wrong.
The reason for the false uproar? Hudson, 29, was spotted wearing a diamond ring in Boston.
“She’s shooting a movie called Bride Wars, which explains the ring,” adds her rep.

So who do you believe? On the one hand, you have The Sun which is, well, The Sun. On the other you have Us Magazine which thinks The Hills is real. Who do you trust? It’s like choosing between your retarded cousin that likes Nickelback or a ham sandwich. But only one can pass the mustard. Ha! Get it? Sandwich? Mustard? It’s almost like pure comedy flows through my vein- Ack! Jimmy Fallon’s trying to harvest my funny! Quick, someone get him to say his name backwards!

Scarlett Johansson and Ryan Reynolds are engaged, according to People:

Reynolds, 31, currently filming the aptly named The Proposal in Boston with Sandra Bullock, recently popped the question to Johansson, 23. The couple have not set a wedding date.
The Nanny Diaries star is expected to show off her sparkler at Monday night’s Metropolitan Museum Costume Institute Gala in New York. Sources say Johansson is eager to “show off her rock” with her Dolce & Gabbana gown.

Aw, how precious. Except for the fact that, for his birthday, Scarlett gave Ryan her wisdom tooth dipped in gold. Yep. You read that. I can only imagine what kind of thoughtful gift she’ll get him as an engagement present. Probably something fancy like her spleen - but Bedazzled! Or there’s always the dug up remains of her childhood dog. You know, simple but from the heart.

Mariah Carey and Nick Cannon are reportedly engaged. That is if you believe the monstrosity on her finger is an engagement ring. (Note: Not the Band-Aid. That would be too romantic.) MSNBC reports:

The couple sent the rumor mill into overdrive when 38-year-old Carey (with Cannon on her arm) was seen sporting a dazzling new piece of bling on her ring finger at the after party for her Tribeca film, “Tennessee,” in New York.
When asked at the party what he loved about Mariah, 27-year-old Cannon gave a one-word answer: “Everything,”

Of course, Nick’s answer will eventually* change to “Everything - except the gotdamn menopause. Woman, turn down the air conditioner. I can see my breath, girl!” Aw, man, nothing funnier than the change. Right, grandma? CHRIST! You stabbed me with a knitting needle! That’s not adorable. We’re out of boxed wine? Oh, well then. All’s forgiven. Now go fetch your coat and I’ll take you down to the liquor store. And, no, we’re not shooting hobo’s on the way down. Ha ha, okay, maybe a few.

EDIT: TMZ is reporting that Nick gave Maria the same ring he gave his ex-fiancee. No one ever told me Nick Cannon is the slyest motherfucker on the planet! All I have to say is: SWISH!

Thanks to Jessica who is the hottest of the woodland creatures. I, of course, mean the duck-billed platypus. Smokin’!

*Tuesday April 6 11:16 AM EST.

Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz are officially engaged. The two announced their unholy asshat union on their blog Friends or Enemies:

THIS JUST IN FROM ASHLEE SIMPSON “We know there has been a lot of speculation recently about Pete and I and we wanted our fans to be the first to know, because you guys are the best. Yes, we are thrilled to share that we are happily engaged. Thank you for all of your support and well wishes - it means the world to us. We consider this to be a very private matter, but we wanted you to hear it straight from us.”
- Ashlee and Pete

It’s early in the morning so I just want to wish Ashlee and Pete the best. Also, the wedding cake’s on me. It’ll be a delicious marble with equal parts typhoid, Al Qaeda and, because I love you guys, Criss Angel. Congrats!

Mary Louise Parker, the hot mom from Weeds, called off her engagement to Jeffrey Dean Morgan, Smiley McMoustache above, according to the AP:

Parker, who plays an upscale suburban marijuana dealer on the Showtime comedy, ended the relationship with her actor fiance, according to a person close to the former couple. The person, who requested anonymity because of the sensitive nature of the relationship, said the couple had differing lifestyles, but that Parker holds Morgan in the highest regard and hopes they remain friends.

While it should be illegal to break up with a man with a moustache, I’m amused by the headline to this story: “Parker ends engagement, AP told.” Apparently the Associated fucking Press felt it necessary to point out that they have exclusive celeb gossip. Hats off to you, chaps! More importantly, what kind of friend calls the AP to spill the beans on your relationship? That’d be like me calilng CNN to tell everyone my roommate’s girlfriend has the clap. Which she does, and I’m still waiting for a callback from Anderson Cooper. Ring, damn you!

Kim Kardashian and her friends are creating rumors that Kim is engaged to generate publicity. Apparently Kim picked up a few tricks when she used to hang out with Paris Hilton, according to Page Six:

“Kim is trying to create attention in her life because nothing else is really going on with her,” said our source. “The whole debate over her engagement is buzz, and that’s what she wants. She’s not engaged, but her friends are telling all their celeb weekly contacts that she is.”

Kim also tried to get some press a few months ago by saying $50,000 worth of jewelry was stolen from her bag at the airport. However she never filed a police report and the authorities informed the media it was all a publicity stunt. Next thing you know we’re going to find out her ass is fake and she wears a prosthetic for the camera. God, that would suck. It’d be like when I was a kid and found out Santa Claus wasn’t real. Except I’d probably cry more and, this, time a bike won’t stop the tears. Unless it’s the kind with a squirt gun on the handlebar. Those are sweet!

Kim Kardashian is not engaged to football star Reggie Bush, according to Us Magazine:

Reality star Kim Kardashian, 26, tells Usmagazine.com that she didn’t make it official with NFL running back Reggie Bush, 22, over the weekend in Miami, despite an OK! magazine report.
“It’s not true,” she tells Us. “Not yet!”

What no one knows is that Reggie Bush did try to propose to Kim Kardashian. Except when he got down on one knee, Kim wasn’t paying attention and swung her battleship ass into Reggie’s head. Sources tell me the Kardashians have him secretly stored in an underground hospital where they’re hoping scientists can “unsplatter his face.”

Kim Kardashian is supposedly engaged to her boyfriend Reggie Bush of the New Orleans Saints. Sources close to Kim claim Reggie recently proposed to Kim, according to OK! Magazine:

While no diamonds were shining on Kim’s ring finger, she did admit to OK! that things are getting serious. However, she added, “One thing I did learn from ‘07 was to try to keep it as private as possible so I’m trying to hold that close to my heart but I’m here with everybody that I love.”

I guess Kim Kardashian would be handy to have around as a wife. If you had company over, you could always use her ass as a buffet table. I heard Kim served her family Thanksgiving dinner using just her right cheek. As for the left, it held a full salad bar. This post is making me hungry. It’s also putting me in the mood to bake some bread. Mostly so I can knead a huge pile of dough for a while and imagine it’s a hairless version of Kim’s butt. I’m pretty sure I saw that on Martha Stewart once.

George “Tailor Made” Weisgerber, the winner of VH1’s I Love New York 2, may love more than just his recent fiancé Tiffany “New York” Pollard. Tailor Made was seen making out and flirting with three different women at a company holiday party, according to spies for NY Daily News:

“He was a hot mess,” says the snitch. “He was dancing, and kissing a blond with curly hair, then holding hands with a girl with short straight brown hair.”
And when the third girl tried to help him up after he “fell on the floor of the bathroom,” he hit on her!

Can anyone blame the guy? If I were engaged to New York, I’d be hooking up with anything but her. There’d be paparazzi shots of me zapping my nads with a taser gun while screaming “This is so much better than sex with my fiancé!” Then I’d make out with a lit BBQ grill and cry tears of joy because, for once, I actually love where my face is.

Jessica Alba and Cash Warren hopped on the engagement bandwagon this week. Cash decided to make an honest woman out of Jessica who he met in 2004 on the set of Fantastic Four. It was recently announced that Cash put a baby up in that ass if I’m using the correct medical terminology which I’m 90% sure I am. The Associated Press reports:

“I can confirm that they are engaged,” Alba’s publicist, Brad Cafarelli, said in an e-mail to The Associated Press on Thursday.
The couple is expecting their first child in late spring or early summer, Cafarelli said.

I can’t believe all these young couples don’t realize that, Garth, marriage is a punishment for shoplifting in some countries. I also can’t believe I just blatantly ripped off Wayne’s World. If I start quoting Coneheads, I want you to give me my medication. And by medication, I mean hit me with your car.

Fergie and Josh Duhamel got engaged sometime over the Christmas weekend. Their reps won’t confirm the exact date, but they say the two are officially getting married. E! News reports:

The proposal comes after Fergie told Blender earlier this month that she was in no real rush to get engaged because she and Duhamel were “practically married, anyway.”
“I’m madly in love with him,” she said of her now fiancé. “He understands how to treat a woman and give me respect.”

It’s official: Josh Duhamel hates his penis. This makes the tattoo on my chest no longer a random sentence that mysteriously appeared after a night of malt liquor. I can proudly go shirtless to family gatherings. Who’s the loser now, dad?