Eva Longoria flashed her Spanx outside of Beso last night. For those of you who don’t wear a pair everyday like The Geekologie Writer, from Wikipedia:

SPANX, Inc. is a U.S. company which mainly manufactures footless pantyhose and other undergarments for women, particularly “body shaping” undergarments designed to give the wearer a slim and shapely appearance. The company’s products are supposedly marketed to fit contemporary female lifestyles and fashion trends.

For those of you wondering what shape Eva Longoria would be if she didn’t wear Spanx, my money’s on rhombus. Or octagon. It’s a toss-up.

A ridiculous amount of celebs got together to make this “edgy” video encouraging young people to vote. Here’s the YouTube summary:

Leonardo DiCaprio, will i. am, Tobey Maguire, and Forest Whitaker have created public service announcements to encourage American youth to register to vote. The non-partisan PSAs, produced by DiCaprios Appian Way, were created to engage and inspire young people to register and vote and participate in the upcoming election.

And guess what, kids? They use bad words. Holy shit! In fact, Jonah Hill even endorses getting high and playing Halo. Damn, now I’m totally voting! Thanks, sarcastic stars of stage and screen. If it weren’t for the emotionless face of Toby Maguire, I would’ve sat at home like a fag. U.S.A!

Eva Longoria wants to set the record straight: she’s not pregnant - maybe. I mean, who really knows these days? Us Magazine reports:

“I’m just fat,” she said Tuesday during an interview with Le Grand Journal with husband Tony Parker. She then burst out laughing while Parker chuckled nervously.
To make Gabrielle look like she has two kids, Longoria has said she ate “everything in sight! Pasta … pizza.”
Her other secret for looking heavier? “I have butt pads, I have thigh pads, I have stomach pads!”

Let’s get to the bottom of this chicanery: First, Eva Longoria is holding M&M’s. Everyone knows fat chicks love chocolate. Then again, so do pregnant ones. Damn. Okay, moving on; there’s the saying one thing but secretly meaning the opposite - which applies to women the world over. Sonofa- Alright, I got it. The true litmus test of whether Eva Longoria is pregnant or “just fat”: If she tricks me into having sex with her while I’m drunk - you know what? I give up. I hope it’s quadruplets.

Eva Longoria used to be a lingerie model before hitting it big on Desperate Housewives. These shots are from 2001, and I want to know who the hell told her to keep pursuing acting? Eva could’ve been cranking more of these pics out or, God willing, done porn. This is exactly why I tell never people to follow their dreams. Unless you’re G4’s Olivia Munn and your dream is to cover me in chocolate sauce. In which case, reach for the stars!

Eva Longoria is addressing recent pregnancy rumors that kicked into overdrive after her recent bikini pics while vacationing in Italy were released. Turns out she’s allegedly packing on the pounds for the next season of Desperate Housewives which would explain these pics from the set and later that day getting dinner with Tony Parker. OK! Magazine reports:

“For the upcoming season of Desperate Housewives [Eva’s character] Gabrielle has “gained” weight and cut her hair,” says the actress’ rep Liza Anderson. “She is now a worn-out mother with two kids. Eva has enjoyed a more relaxed environment and will even be wearing butt pads and stomach pads.”

Ha ha! Good excuse. I hope they name the kid “El Guapo” - after me. Okay, maybe that’s not really my name, but since everybody’s making shit up, I’d figured I’d get in on the action. Now, if you’ll excuse me, El Guapo needs to play beach volleyball with his shirt off then fly a fighter jet in a dangerous mission to save Iceman. Or maybe he’ll just take a nap under his desk. El Guapo is undecided.

Eva Longoria in a bikini - showering. Those are probably the most beautiful words I’ve ever typed in my life. Not counting: “Dude, it was just an ingrown hair!” Good times.

These are shots of the new Bebe ad campaign featuring the always spicy hot Eva Longoria. Whoever made the call to make Eva the face of the company deserves a raise and a half. Seriously, I’d buy whatever the hell she’s on. It could be penis-shrinking pills and I’d down those puppies by the barrel. Then I’d make my friends give me a killer nickname. You know, something badass like Stump Masterson or Dongless Drago.

In the most disturbing merchandising move ever, Pipedream Products (Link is totally NSFW!) released these celebrity blow-up dolls which feature plastic versions of Eva Longoria, Lindsay Lohan, Jessica Simpson, Jessica Alba and, oddly, Sarah Jessica Parker. Since I’m a sad little clown, I did get a laugh out of the text for Sarah Jessica. Though I was disappointed to see it didn’t include a horse face. You know, for authenticity.

NOTE: These pics are kind of NSFW since they give brief descriptions of, well, certain orifices (a.k.a. the butt).

I don’t really need to explain why I posted these pics of Eva Longoria wearing a bikini in Mexico. It’s Eva Longoria in a bikini. But they also promote the importance of wearing suntan lotion. I’m surprised people aren’t showing these photos to kids. Protection from UV rays is serious business. I should get down to the playground and be a hero. But it’s kind of nippy out. *puts on ski mask and trench coat* All set. This should go well.

Eva Longoria unveils the 2008 athletic collection for Bebe Sports. It looks like to impress her, and eventually touch her naughty parts, I’ll have to mountain bike down to the beach. Then ride a motorcycle while surfing. Man, again? Can’t I fall for a woman that’s into, I dunno, questionably-free strip club chicken wings? Or pretending to be asleep when the opposite sex is talking. You know, stuff I’m passionate about.

Eva Longoria showed her support for the Writers Guild of America protestors on the set of Desperate Housewives yesterday. She was joined by Julia Louis Dreyfus who was there as well. The two shared a little hug, and, whoa, hold on a second, I thought this was a picket line. Not my deepest, darkest fantasy come to life in excruciating detail. Eva Longoria? Julia Louis Dreyfus? A union strike? If a white van stocked full of Domino’s pizza shows up, I’m going to be officially freaked out. Wait, what is- NO WAY! That is unbelievable. David Copperfield, did you do this? No, it couldn’t be. Not enough rape. Criss Angel, maybe? Nope, not enough doucheyness. Superman? Lee Majors? That little kid with the glasses from Jerry Maguire? Someone toss me a hint.

To make up for, well, the worst sex tape ever, here’s Eva Longoria squeezing through some cars. What’s that? You don’t understand how Eva Longoria squeezing through cars makes up for anything? Just trust me, it does. And that’s a fact. A scientific fact. I’ve got equations and pie charts scribbled on some napkins to prove it. It’s complicated, you wouldn’t understand. Far too sciency.

EVA LONGORIA SEX TAPE

Here’s the alleged Eva Longoria sex tape everybody’s been talking about. Although calling it a sex tape would not only be a lie, it’d be a really big lie. The tape was made for Will Ferrel’s comedy site Funny Or Die and features Eva Longoria with comedian Eric Christian Olsen. In the video Longoria says: “Are you really sure we should be doing this? If it gets out it could be really embarrassing.” Her partner then replies: “Don’t worry baby I’m going to put it somewhere safe - like the glovebox of my car.” Funny? Meh. Cruel? Definitely. I mean, getting everybody’s hopes up about an Eva Longoria sex tape and having it turn out to be this? It’s like promising your kid a Wii for Christmas, and then when Christmas rolls around you kick him really hard in the nuts instead.

Eva Longoria is the star of a new sex tape that’s hit the web. Apparently it’s only on pay sites, but thanks to the beauty of the internet, it should be free and in my computer by the end of the day. The Sun reports:

Rumours have been rife on the web that the saucy video exists and contains intimate scenes featuring the Desperate Housewives beauty and her NBA star hubby TONY PARKER.

If this video is real and contains Eva actually looking hot, then Christmas cometh early, my friends. However, if this video has Eva looking like a lawn gnome, which has been known to happen, then this won’t be anything new for me. I don’t want to get into it, but my grandparents asked me to mow their yard one time when I was really drunk. All I’m saying is that that lawn gnome was asking for it. The way he was dressed and looking at me. I’m only human, dammit!