Troubled superstar Britney Spears is watched closely by her employees at all times because they are worried she will attempt to hurt herself - or even her two kids.

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Jessica Simpson was spotted jogging around yesterday on the set of Major Movie Star. Not, like, for fun; she was filming a jogging scene. Though whatever she’s doing it seems to be working. I hear they asked Britney Spears to jog around for her new music video but she just rolled around on her belly and asked for more pudding. Then she wheezed “That’s a wrap, guys,” and ordered a pizza. Because nothing washes down pudding like eating an entire pizza. That’s a scientific fact.

Brad Pitt currently stars in “The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford.” I guess there’s no real need to see that movie after that title. Thank you for saving me $10 and two hours of my precious time, movie-title-making guy. While at the premiere, Brad seemed to be totally enthused to talk about the experience, according to the Daily Intelligencer:

When a perky MTV producer threw him the standard softball, “What did you learn from doing this movie?” Pitt didn’t swing for it. “I didn’t learn shit, really,” he said.

Absolutely riveting. Brad Pitt you have mastered the art of the interview. I look forward to your next film, when you’ll tell reporters that the experience taught you how to “go f— yourself.” Don’t ever stop evolving as a master conversationalist, sir. You’re so close to the zenith of human communication.

NOTE: For the record, I hate MTV and wish Brad Pitt would’ve broke the producer’s face with his super-human abs. Did you ever see Fight Club? Brad could stop a Mack truck with those puppies. As for me, well, I don’t like to brag, but I’ve been known to squash a tank like a tin can with mine. It’s something I do to pass the time, and to let the government know I’m not paying those back taxes so they should just give up already.

Kim Kardashian recently did a photo shoot for Playboy. Us Magazine has just learned that Kim will be the December cover girl and the photos contain more than rumored. Check out the details:

A Playboy source tells Us that Kardashian’s shoot reveals more than originally planned. Though her body is mostly draped in sheets and jewelry, the source says that Kardashian “will show one boob, and her bare butt.” Kardashian’s 12-page pictorial “will be one of the longest spreads Hef has done in a long time.”

Longest spread Hugh Hefner has done. Kim Kardashian has gigantic ass. Must resist obvious joke… Temptation strong… Iron will kicking in. And we’re good. No, seriously, this is the greatest Christmas present I could ever get. Next year world peace could break out and the following year I could win a million dollars, but I’d just sit there, sipping my egg nog, saying “Remember that Christmas I saw Kim Kardashian’s bare ass? That was the best Christmas ever.” They should make a holiday special celebrating this event and show it to sick kids. Give them a reason to fight, dammit!

Britney Spears has been ordered by a judge to take parenting classes and abstain from alcohol 12 hours before seeing her children. Being the genius that she is, Britney’s been clubbing every night since the ruling. Star Magazine spoke with attorney John Schweitzer to get an outside opinion on Britney’s situation. Here’s what he had to say:

On ignoring the judge’s orders
“By going out like this she is really running the risk of losing custody of her kids. The judge is now going to watch very move she makes. The judge gets the newspaper like everyone else and he will take something like this into consideration until his final ruling is made.”

On the legal consequences Britney could face
“Some of the punishments could include holding her in contempt of court, which could result in a fine, imprisonment or both. Or, the judge gives more visitation rights to the other parent, in this case Kevin, or, he can take the children away if he feels Britney is not focusing on the best interest of the children.”

On what Britney should do to keep her kids
“If I were her lawyer I would tell her to lie low, stay in the house and spend time reading to her sons and doing arts and craft projects with them to enforce learning and bonding.”

Arts and crafts? Is this guy serious? He literally just suggested that Britney Spears use scissors, glue and possibly popsicle sticks around small children. Does he want her kids to lose an eye? Why stop there? He might as well suggest that Britney take them to a gun range. Although at least there, witnesses would be present. I also like to believe the employees would give Britney a candy gun. Not for safety purposes. They’re just tired of her getting teeth marks on the real guns. They really need a snack machine in there.

I could make up a reason to post these pictures of Kim Kardashian leaving the Maxim Style Awards, but we all know the only real reason to ever write about her is to put up pictures of her butt. And unless she turns into a 500 foot tall lizard and starts attacking Japan, I’m pretty sure it’s going to stay that way for the rest of her life. She could cure AIDS, and she’d still be known as ‘that chick whose butt once killed a sumo wrestler.’ I don’t even know what that means, but I’m leaving it up anyway. That’s how I roll.

Lauren Conrad almost didn’t return for the third season of “The Hills.” Apparently she was so fed up with her co-stars Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt that she thought about quitting. Then she remembered she loves that easy money. People reports:

“I actually came dangerously close to not doing season three, because I really didn’t want to do the show with Heidi and Spencer,” the reality TV star tells Seventeen magazine in its October issue. “I’m not who they are. I don’t stage my own publicity. I just kind of live my life and do my job, and I don’t want to be grouped with them.”

Lauren Conrad really does have it rough. I mean, she has to sip lattes and talk on her cell phone. She actually has to lift the latte to her lips and take a sip. And then more lifting, with the cell phone, again to her lips. Then she has to speak words into it. Not even coherent sentences, just random words. Ugh, so freaking hard. When kids working in sweatshops complain, the owners crack them with a whip and say, “Hey, be glad you’re not Lauren Conrad. She has to drink lattes – and talk!” The children can’t believe such a fate and quietly return to work.

Scarlett Johansson has been pulling some diva-like moves on the set of her new film “He’s Just Not That Into You.” Us! Magazine reports:

A source tells Us that on her first day, the star, 22, had a driver shuttle her the 100 yards to the set, while costar Drew Barrymore simply walked the distance. (Johansson also asked for three assistants to shield her with umbrellas.)

I’ve got a great “Scarlett is lazy” story. You’ll love this. This one time, she and I were supposed to go out on a date. But Scarlett sent her cousin instead and made up some excuse about Ryan Reynolds or something, I wasn’t paying attention on account of she’s a woman. But, how lazy is that? You can’t get off the couch so you send your crazy cousin who steals locks of dude’s hair in their sleep. Thanks for the warning. This luscious mane didn’t grow itself overnight. No, wait, yes it did. I forgot I drank that whole bottle of Rogaine – and then moved next to the power plant. Radiation makes me forget things.

NOTE: What in the hell is a “Scarlett Johansson?” Who’s superficial? That bottle of Evian in the corner? It should get over itself.

Sweet Christ, the mummy’s escaped! Don’t look into its eyes. Or giant breasts! They’re cursed too. Oh, hey, it’s just Pam Anderson. What’s that, her breasts are cursed too? I believe it. Look at all the dudes who have touched them: Scott Baio, Tommy Lee, Bret Michaels. All have at one time had shitty reality shows on VH1. That’s where once-cool people go to die. Or in Bret’s case, go to pretend they’re not bald and bang strippers. Hold on a second, no one told me Bret Michaels was the smartest man alive.

Alicia Silverstone got completely naked (and completely Photoshopped) for the latest ad from PETA. And I’m not sure how being naked and being a vegetarian are related, but it somehow just makes sense. In fact, all future ad campaigns should follow this example. Advertising a used car dealership? Naked woman. Canned soup? Naked woman. The brilliance of this idea is that it works for everything. I mean, really, what better way to advertise a new toaster oven than with a naked woman? By showing the actual toaster? Ha! I laugh at your ideas. Laugh I say!

Click the above image for the full sized version.

Okay, so a couple days ago, I might have suggested that Jennifer Aniston is a dude. I’d like to state for the record that I was drunk. But now I’m a different kind of drunk. Love-drunk. I would totally do things to her. Things that would make Jennifer Aniston so pregnant, she’d give birth to a small nation. Which Angelina Jolie would then adopt. That would be so hot. Oh man, imagine if Angelina gave all those kids ridiculous names. No, no, that’s just too hot. Don’t touch the screen! My words will burn you with their hotness.

Rose McGowan was being considered for a starring role in “Speed Racer,” but the studio felt her plastic surgery left her unrecognizable. NY Daily News reports:

McGowan, 34, has admitted to having plastic surgery for an eye injury related to a car accident. But casting skeptics suspect she has had much more done, and that it cost her the role.
“The studio felt like she was hard to recognize and worried that by the time the movie hit theaters, fans might not know who she was,” says our insider.

Rose wasn’t the only one passed over. Zac Efron was up for the title role, but wasn’t the right fit:

”During his auditions, Zac never connected to the romantic lead in the reading,” says our source. “By the second round, the casting crew didn’t feel he was believable as a leading man/hero.”

Hollywood executives are so stupid. I would totally believe Zac Efron as a sexually confused race-car driver. And who better to play his post-op tranny love-interest than Rose McGowan? Damn, that concept just sells itself. People are reading this post right now and dumping money onto their keyboards, screaming “Sold!” This is why I should be the head of a studio – besides the one in my basement where, I like to believe, I make more than what society calls “porn.” I make art. Art that’s generously seasoned with people doing it on my dryer. While my cat watches.

When Amy Winehouse takes the stage, you know you’re in for a top-notch show. Not only is her voice a treasure, but she presents herself with such poise and elegance. The Sun has the details of Amy’s exquisite performance at the MOBO’s:

She staggered up the stage steps looking the worse for wear as she went to collect her gong at the O2 arena. Then she took the microphone and appeared to spit before saying a brief thank-you. She followed that with a shoddy rendition of “Tears Dry On Their Own” – forgetting half the words. During the performance Amy twitched, pulled at her black-and-white dress and gripped the mic stand as she swayed precariously.

Amy even presents herself as a lady before taking the stage:

A source said: “In her dressing room she was really on edge, then flipped. She was screaming and chucking anything she could get her hands on at the people around her. She wasn’t in a good way.”

I’m faced with a conundrum here. Who would be more justified making the following statement: Amy Winehouse saying, “Hey, at least I’m not Britney Spears.” Or Britney Spears saying “Hey, at least I’m not Amy Winehouse.” I’m making a huge assumption that one is aware of the other. I’m also assuming that Britney doesn’t have a Quarter Pounder in her mouth, and Amy hasn’t inhaled a bathtub full of gin and sleeping pills. Yeah, I know, bold assumptions. But I’m a bold man who asks bold questions – boldly.

UPDATE: Check out a video of her performance after the jump. It’s not as disastrous as the article makes it out to be, but there’s definitely a lot of mumbling and shuffling going on.

I was tempted to leave these pictures out of context and just let you think Jessica Simpson had turned into a homeless wino, but I figured you guys are way too smart and good looking to have fallen for that. Strong too. I’ve seen you at the gym. What do you bench, like 300 pounds? Nice.

NOTE: Oh, right, the pictures. They’re from the set of Major Movie Star which, judging from the pictures, will win at least three Academy Awards. Four, if they’re willing to give Jessica Simpson two for her acting.

Rose McGowan and director Robert Rodriquez are engaged. Page Six has the details:

Spies in L.A. report she’s been showing off a new diamond engagement ring from director Robert Rodriguez. McGowan met Rodriguez on the set of “Grindhouse” when he directed her as a peg-legged ex-stripper in his half of the double feature, “Planet Terror.” He was soon divorcing his wife.

That is hands-down the most awesome engagement story I’ve ever heard. Just imagine telling that to your kids: “Mom, how did you meet dad? Well, honey, he made a movie where I played a stripper with a machine-gun leg. Also, his wife at the time was the producer. So she pretty much paid your father to do me in a trailer off-set. Now run along and play, dear.” If that’s not true romance, I don’t know what is. I’m surprised Disney hasn’t made an animated movie about them.

TV’s Marcia Brady will come clean about a romance she had with co-star Eve Plumb, who played her sister Jan on the hit show. A source tells America’s National Enquirer, “The most explosive comments will be how the then-blonde, blue-eyed cutie developed a crush on Eve Plumb, which led to some sexual play. “This book will certainly come as a shocker. While Maureen is not a lesbian, she reveals there were some sexual hijinks going on behind the scenes. “It’s bizarre because she played such a virginal character on the show.”