Because she’s a big girl now, Hayden Panettiere got to stay up late and attend the Madonna concert last night. Of course, everyone knows you don’t go to a Madonna concert without looking super sexy. Unfortunately, in Hayden’s case, she ended up looking super FAIL. I think I speak for everybody when I say Hayden Panettiere should only be seen in her Heroes cheerleader outfit until she reaches the ripe old age of 102 like that other midget actor, what’s his face? Kevin Connolly.

NOTE: For those of you remembering my days of unbridled lust for Hayden, you ever fall in love with somebody then wake up one day and realize “Hey, you’re nothing like I thought you were”? That’s sort of what’s going on here. And, also, with the pizza I ordered last night. Anyone know how to get mushroom stains off of sheets?

Apparently, it’s that time of the year again where Hayden Panettiere goes gay for whales. She took part in the “Save the Whales Again” rally in Washington D.C. on Sunday where everyone laid down to form a giant outline of a whale for an aerial pic. Hooray.

If that wasn’t enough, Hayden just released a video (after the jump) for SocialVibe.com urging people to support the Whaleman Foundation. Okay, Hayden, I understand you want to be an activist because just a year ago you were putting dolphin stickers on your Trapper Keeper, but there are bigger issues going on in the world right now. I’m, of course, talking about the recent drought in celebrity bikini pictures. Together, Hayden Panettiere, you and I can make a difference and end this crisis that’s leaving millions of Interweb readers bonerless and confused. With a simple change of clothes, you can join me in “The Fight to See Some Freaking Boobs.” (Also, maybe bring some whipped cream.)

NOTE: Video is only worth watching for the first two seconds. Which I’ve replayed over 900 times since I found it. I love activism!

Hayden Panettiere stopped by The Ellen Show where, on a dare, she flashed a pair of boxer briefs that read “Ellen” around the waist. While it sounds hot, the whole scene was awkwardly random and over as soon as it began. I included the video after the jump and, fortunately, the flashing goes down within the first minute because the rest of the clip made me want to slam my testicles in a car door. I can only assume Hayden realized she sucks on talk shows and took drastic action. If that’s the case, you know what really gets people’s attention? Having sex with a blogger. True story.

Hayden Panettiere, who claims she’s “hot enough to get your attention for 30 seconds,” gives a fake profanity-laden endorsement for John McCain in this FunnyOrDie video that’s 99% Die. Okay, listen, I’m liberal as they come, but for the love of God, knock this shit off. It’s not cute. It’s definitely not funny. And you probably just convinced a bunch of rednecks they’re going to literally get “fucked” by voting for McCain. As if these avid gun enthusiasts weren’t going to be pissed off enough if Obama wins, you’ve added blue balls to the equation. How can that go wrong? Fortunately, it’s been a lifelong dream of mine to get shot at my local Arby’s. Thanks, Hayden!

In this “parody” video, Jessica Alba continues her self-righteous quest to encourage people who think The Hills is real to vote. It also features a muzzled Hayden Panettiere which, I’ll admit, almost made me feel like I was falling in love again for the very first time. Until I remembered celebrity political ads are the equivalent of Michael J. Fox performing a vasectomy: They both end with your brain getting stabbed by someone famous.

I don’t know how to say this, so I’m just going to come right out with it: I’m no longer harboring a secret crush towards you.

Goodbye, my love. Goodbye. - - Is she gone? I can never tell. JESUS CHRIST! She was behind a shoe. I mean, hey there, beautiful princess…

Hayden Panettiere’s father is facing misdemeanor battery chargers after getting in a drunken fight with his wife in August. The incident was described as a “misunderstanding.” Just like the second season of Heroes. ZING! The Associated Press reports:

Alan Panettiere faces up to a year in a Los Angeles County jail if convicted. He was arrested on Aug. 11 on suspicion of striking his wife, Lesley.
At the time, a sheriff’s spokesman said Panettiere was accused of hitting his wife three times with an open hand.

Oh, wow, so you can get arrested for battling your wife even if you’re both shit-faced and don’t want to press charges? Damn. I guess I better take back these baseball bats and bottles of whiskey I got my folks for Christmas. Red Lobster gift cards it is - and okay, throwing knives. I spoil those two; I know.

Hayden Panettiere hosted the opening ceremony for the Neutrogena Fresh Face Concert yesterday, and it times like this I’m almost embarrassed to harbor a secret infatuation with her. I have no clue what’s going on here. It’s like she didn’t have enough time to change after her audition for Rollerball 2: Midgets on Wheels which, God willling, is an erotic thriller. Rollerblades. Little people. INTRIGUE.

Hayden Panettiere celebrated her 19th birthday over the weekend by apparently wearing a bikini and a party hat. Cool. I’ll be the first to admit this looks nothing like I envisioned it. I mean, where’s the parade? The midget rodeo?! And why is the pool filled with water instead of Jell-O? No, no, NO! This is all wrong! Man, I got all dressed up like Batman for nothing…

Hayden Panettiere spoke publicly for the first time about her dad’s arrest for spousal abuse and put the blame on the arresting officers. Her father was arrested after getting in a drunken brawl with his wife who was also sloshed. Extra reports:

“It [the incident] was blown way out of proportion by a sheriff who wanted his fifteen minutes of fame,” the “Heroes” starlet tells “Extra.” “My family is wonderful — so very happy. We’re all great.”

Jesus. Talk about laying it on thick. Hayden Panettiere might as well have said “My mom fell down the stairs.” Then winked at the camera.

Within hours of Hayden Panettiere’s father Alan posting bail yesterday for assaulting his wife Lesley (FYI, they were both effing hammered), the two went for a public walk together as a sign of solidarity to show their love is as strong as ever.

ALAN: I blame whoever thought it’d be a great idea to have an open bar.
LESLEY: Dear, that was your idea.
ALAN: Works every time.
LESLEY: What works every time?
ALAN: I dunno.
LESLEY: You put vodka in this Frappucino bottle didn’t you?
ALAN: Yup.
LESLEY: God, I love you.
ALAN: What was that? I threw up on the dog.

Hollyscoop is reporting that Hayden Panettiere’s mom Lesley got drunk as hell last night at the benefit for the Whaleman Foundation and was flirting with other men. She allegedly decided to smack her husband Alan around who was also tanked and either trying to stop her from causing a scene or simply orchestrating a Taco Bell run:

“Hayden’s mom drank way too much and was being rude to everyone. Her Dad was trying to put her in her place. Lesley striked him several times before he hit her,” said our spy.
Our source confirmed that Hayden’s parents started arguing while at the Whaleman Benefit dinner at Beso last night because Lesley was allegedly flirting with another man, and the argument escalated when they went home.

Jesus. Nothing like causing a giant drunken ruckus on your daughter’s special night. I mean, Britney Spears managed to attend a charity function without making a complete ass out of herself - and she doesn’t even know how to read! But don’t despair; The road to healing starts by realizing you’re worse than a career genital flasher. You can learn all this and more in my new book “Seriously, What the Fuck?: An Inspirational Journey of the Soul.”

Hayden Panettiere hosted a charity benefit last night for the Whaleman Foundation at Eva Longoria’s restaurant Beso. What was supposed to be a special evening for the Heroes star, turned into a crapfest when Hayden’s father punched her mother twice after getting in an argument at home later that night. TMZ reports:

Law enforcement sources tell TMZ Alan and Lesley Panettiere were at a party earlier in the evening. We’re told Alan was upset because Lesley was “hanging” with someone at the shindig and he felt she was “disrespecting” him.
Sources say, according to Lesley’s statement to Sheriffs, the couple went home, began arguing and he struck her in the cheek. We’re told cops took pictures and there are visible marks.
Paramedics advised her she should go to the hospital but she refused. Alan did not give a statement to the police. It’s unclear if any of their kids were at the house at the time of the incident.

Jesus, what a colossal dick. Milo Ventimiglia better be taking good care of Hayden, my sweet midget love. Yeah, it’s common knowledge she’s about to dump his ass and run away with me as far as $4.50 will get us on a Greyhound, but that’s not important right now. What is important is Milo manning up and being a shoulder to cry on. No tongue!

Hayden Panettiere hosted a charity benefit last night for the Whaleman Foundation at Eva Longoria’s restaurant Beso. What was supposed to be a special evening for the Heroes star, turned into a crapfest when Hayden’s father punched her mother twice after getting in an argument at home later that night. TMZ reports:

Law enforcement sources tell TMZ Alan and Lesley Panettiere were at a party earlier in the evening. We’re told Alan was upset because Lesley was “hanging” with someone at the shindig and he felt she was “disrespecting” him.
Sources say, according to Lesley’s statement to Sheriffs, the couple went home, began arguing and he struck her in the cheek. We’re told cops took pictures and there are visible marks.
Paramedics advised her she should go to the hospital but she refused. Alan did not give a statement to the police. It’s unclear if any of their kids were at the house at the time of the incident.

Jesus, what a colossal dick. Milo Ventimiglia better be taking good care of Hayden, my sweet midget love. Yeah, it’s common knowledge she’s about to dump his ass and run away with me as far as $4.50 will get us on a Greyhound, but that’s not important right now. What is important is Milo manning up and being a shoulder to cry on. No tongue!

UPDATE: Turns out both parents were shitfaced, according to TMZ: “Alan told cops when they arrived, ‘I’m Alan. Yeah, I just got into an argument with my drunk wife.’” Interesting. Cue Hayden Panettiere becoming the new Lindsay Lohan in 5, 4, 3, 2 - Flame on!

Hayden Panettiere (seen here at Comic-Con over the weekend trying to keep her hands clean from dork debris) reportedly gave her boyfriend Milo Ventimiglia a striptease on the set of Heroes for his 31st birthday. Why must you forsake me, Lord? Australia News Limited reports:

A source said: “Hayden gave Milo an unforgettable birthday surprise by morphing from her bouncy cheerleader character in Heroes to a bump-and-grind striptease. As she sang ‘Happy Birthday’ to Milo in front of cast and crew during lunch she ripped off the costume to show off her sexy red lingerie. Milo’s face went bright red.”

You know how I know this isn’t true? Because I spent the past six hours crying under my desk which means IT NEVER HAPPENED. Nobody talk about this again. In fact - Hold on, I just got an e-mail from The Geekologie Writer:

“Hey, remember how you’re not Milo Ventimiglia and didn’t get a lap dance from Hayden Panettiere? I had those words tattooed on my forehead. Wings later?”

Nice. Real nice. Wait, here’s one from my mom:

“Honey, I just heard the news. Don’t worry, you’ll meet a nice girl soon who’ll do naughty dances for you. But maybe it wouldn’t hurt to lower your expectations a little. Do you remember that sweet girl who lived down the street and murdered her whole family? I hear she’s single! Smooches.”

Christ, who’s next? The president? *BEEP* Ah, shit…:

“I LIKES WEARING COWBOY HATS!”

Thanks to Tyler for the really great tip. It’s so great that I actually have one for you: I’m your biological father.

Hayden Panettiere (seen here at last night’s ESPY awards) dropped her new music video “Wake Up Call” today, and I’ll be the first to admit the song is fucking clown shoes. That said, I definitely saw Hayden’s panties in the video, so who do I speak to about getting this thing an Oscar? It’s hands down the greatest visual experience I’ve had since that time I watched BBC’s Planet Earth on acid - which was this morning. On a related note, I’m a wombat.

Video after the jump.

Before Angelina Jolie’s uterus popped this weekend, the big story was Hayden Panettiere getting a haircut. As an unbiased observer, she definitely looks hotter. I wish she’d come over and take a look at my dolphin. Yeah, I’ve got one in a kiddie pool out back, and I have no idea how to take care of it. Fun Fact: They don’t eat Taco Bell. I thought they’re supposed to be super smart. Seriously, who turns down a Chalupa? Even Britney Spears loves them, and I’ve seen her drink from a gas pump.

Hayden Panettiere’s boyfriend and Heroes co-star Milo Ventimiglia is picking out engagement rings for my favorite midget hottie. While I figure out the best way to punch him in the gonads, scope out the details from InTouch:

The actor, 31, recently confided to a friend that even though Hayden is only 18 years old, he wants to get engaged, preferably this year. “Milo was looking at rings in late June,” the pal says. “He really likes Cartier and intends to spend around $200,000.”

Okay, sure, Milo can provide Hayden with fancy things like his Hollywood good looks and an expensive engagement. But I’ve got a face full of handsome as well. Okay, maybe I’m not rich, but I know how to treat a lady. You’ve got to support their neck and be sure to burp them after eating. Oh yeah, I know my shit. Hayden, let’s get romantic.

Hayden Panettiere was apparently the best friend to have growing up - if you were a young teenage girl contemplating lesbianism. Whoooaa! Like a young child coming downstairs on Christmas morning, I’ve just learned that Hayden likes to kiss ladies to hone her making out skills. Yes. Here’s what she told UK Glamour:

“It’s great to be single. It’s great to have boyfriends. Or girlfriends. There are occasions when you kiss your best friend growing up, having fun and goofing about. Like perfecting your technique!”

Hayden, could you possibly elaborate on “goofing about?” Don’t be afraid to go into detail. Or involve a sub-plot where things got naughty in the shower room after cheerleading practice, so you had to teach Coach Hot Buns a lesson. Please, for the love of God, say all that stuff. It’ll, uh, save the dolphins. Yup, that’s right. The golf-fins. That’s what I said.

Hayden Panettiere freakin’ loves those sea creatures. So much so that she’s auctioning off a VIP whale-watching trip with you, her and five of your closest friends (Interesting number choice…). The auctions are a joint effort with Hayden’s new social networking site Zude and The Whaleman Foundation. Here’s the details straight from the eBay itself:

You and up to 5 guests will join Hayden Panettiere at a Save the Whales Again! fundraising dinner hosted at the famous Hollywood restaurant Beso, owned by Eva Longoria.
The following week you’ll board Condor Cruises’ Condor Express with 5 of your friends for lunch and a whale watching tour off the coast of Santa Barbara, California, through the Channel Islands, to witness some of the most spectacular whale feeding grounds and have the chance to see the ever-elusive Blue Whale.
The total package also includes hobnobbing over drinks and dinner at Beso, photo opportunities with Hayden, $1000 American Express® gift card and a private whale watching tour with Hayden and Jeff Pantukhoff, world-renowned whale researcher, marine life filmmaker and founder of The Whaleman Foundation.

Apparently, you can also bid on Hayden’s clothes that she wore in her Candies’ ad campaign. Wait, items actually worn by Save the Cheerleader?! *digs gun out of desk* Hey, Geekologie Writer, I’m going to need to borrow your wallet. All of your wallet. *opens it up* Hmm… Monopoly money and a picture of LEGO Princess Leia covered in fondant. Fantastic. So, is it illegal if I give your wallet back but still shoot you? Because I see that in your future.

Huge thanks to Jim over at Knightime Studios. The dude’s artistic talent is only exceeded by his talent of telling me how to buy my own Hayden Panettiere. And outfits to go with it! Score!