When Heath Ledger died earlier this year from an accidental overdose, his will left everything to this parents and three sisters. It was written, of course, before the birth of his daughter Matilda with Michelle Williams. Many believed Michelle would file a claim for the estate, but Heath’s family has given the entire thing over to Matilda, according to the AP:

“There is no claim,” the newspaper quoted Kim Ledger as saying in a report published Sunday. “Our family has gifted everything to Matilda.”
The actor signed the will on April 12, 2003. It lists assets and cash of just $118,000, but the actor’s estate is believed to be worth more than $16.3 million, the newspaper said.

This turn of events is fortuitous for Matilda because TMZ reports Heath Ledger’s life insurance company is ruling his death a suicide to avoid paying $10 million to a trustee for his daughter who has filed a lawsuit:

Sources say lawyers for the insurance company have claimed Ledger’s death was “suspicious” — possibly suicide, which would nullify the policy. The company alleges in its answer to the lawsuit, “ReliaStar is entitled to investigate Plaintiff’s claim to determine if the ‘Suicide’ provision is applicable.” That provision states, “If the Insured commits suicide … we will pay only the amount of premiums paid to us.”
ReliaStar’s lawyers have informed Matilda’s lawyers they intend to take the depositions of Mary-Kate Olsen, as well as the masseuse who was at Ledger’s home when he died, Ledger’s colleagues on his last film, his agents, doctors, psychologists and others. Lawyers for Matilda believe the insurance company is trying to scare and shame them into submission. They believe ReliaStar is trying to drag the process out, for what could be years, to avoid paying the money.

Hey, remember that part in The Dark Knight when the Joker slammed that guy’s head down on a pencil? That was awesome.

Mary-Kate Olsen is free to murder another young actor in his prime. (Please be Dane Cook. Please be Dane Cook. Please be Dane Cook.) Federal prosecutors have decided not to pursue a criminal case regarding Heath Ledger’s acquisition of prescription painkillers and sleeping pills, according to the AP:

Prosecutors in the U.S. attorney’s office in Manhattan had been overseeing a Drug Enforcement Administration probe into whether the painkillers found in Ledger’s system were obtained illegally. But the prosecutors have bowed out “because they don’t believe there’s a viable target,” said the official, who spoke on condition of anonymity because no charges have been filed.

And by “they don’t believe there’s a viable target” they obviously mean “Candace Cameron’s decapitated head arrived in a box this morning.”

Mary-Kate’s lawyer took to the press yesterday after a story ran in the New York Post claiming Mary-Kate Olsen is seeking immunity from prosecution before speaking to the DEA about Heath Ledger’s accidental overdose. The AP reports:

“We have provided the government with relevant information including facts in the chronology of events surrounding Mr. Ledger’s death,” Miller said in a statement Monday, “and the fact that Ms. Olsen does not know the source of the drugs Mr. Ledger consumed.”

The Associated Press has spoken to an official within the DEA who can confirm the reports that Mary-Kate’s lawyer is indeed angling for immunity and refusing to cooperate:

The official confirmed a report that Olsen wants a promise of immunity from prosecution before speaking to the Drug Enforcement Administration. Olsen was a close friend of Ledger’s, and was the first person called by a masseuse who found the 28-year-old “Dark Knight” actor’s lifeless body in his Manhattan apartment.
Authorities have obtained a subpoena that could force Olsen to appear before a grand jury if negotiations with her lawyer fail, the official said.

Okay, let’s cut to the chase: So, maybe Mary-Kate Olsen provided Heath Ledger with the drugs and left a note saying “Take 20 and call me in the morning.” That doesn’t mean she necessarily “killed” him, I think - maybe. Who knows? I’m not very good at this lawyer stuff. But, I do know a half vampire bat when I see one, and how do you convict a member of the animal kingdom? Answer: You don’t. That’s double jeopardy, my friends. I rest my case and object stuff.

Mary-Kate Olsen is refusing to be interviewed by federal investigators about Heath Ledger’s accidental overdose until she’s granted immunity from prosecution. This latest move proves what I’ve always feared: Pauly Shore knew something relevant when he claimed the Olsen twins are diabolical. May God have mercy on us all. The New York Post reports:

The actress’ lawyer has repeatedly rebuffed attempts by the feds to question Olsen, who was the first person called after her masseuse discovered Ledger’s body in his SoHo apartment in January.
Frustrated federal officials could obtain a grand-jury subpoena to compel the funky “Full House” actress to tell them whatever she knows about the “Dark Knight” star’s behavior, his possible drug use and the events of that fateful morning, according to sources.
Probers have interviewed everyone connected to Ledger and his death, including his doctors, the masseuse, bodyguards, housekeepers, business associates and even the mother of his 2-year-old daughter, Matilda, his “Brokeback Mountain” co-star Michelle Williams.
“Ms. Williams was extremely nice and cooperative,” a source said.

And by nice and cooperative, the source meant Michelle Williams grabbed an FBI agent by the collar and yelled “It was Mary-Kate Olsen, you sonofabitch! I’ll have your badge for breakfast.” But no one ever suspects the Olsen twins - until it’s too late. I’m serious. They’re still looking for Bob Saget’s body.

EDIT: Turns out Bob Saget is still alive. I’m as shocked as you are.

Thanks to Liz who won’t watch Full House without the lights on and a priest handy.

Remember when Heath Ledger died and his family said, “Oh yeah, don’t worry. We’ll take care of his kid.”? Bullish shit. Turns out Michelle Williams hasn’t seen a dime for daughter Matilda and is well aware that Heath’s dad Kim botched the handling of his own father’s estate. As an act of protest, she will not attend the premiere of The Dark Knight, according to Page Six:

An insider said, “Michelle is furious with Heath’s family and threatening to boycott the premiere. Matilda is supposed to be the beneficiary of the will, but Michelle has seen nothing from them. Heath didn’t have much in cash, but there was a big house in LA and a back-end deal for ‘Dark Knight’ [that] could reap millions.”

Great. Only movie I’m looking forward to all summer and these Jokers (Jesus of comedy, people. That’s me.) have to use it to publicize their money problems. Unless this is some sort of crazy viral marketing. Of course! I bet if I click on Michelle Williams eye I’ll see a sweet clip of Batman punching someone. Excuse me - Taxi! New York City! But first let’s stop at Staples. I need a wireless mouse that says “Jam me in the cornea of one of those Dawson kids” but also “smooth ergonomic design.”

Heath Ledger’s uncle broke the news that Heath had an affair with an older woman and she was pregnant shortly after they broke things off. The media has caught up with the woman and her new husband. He says Heath is not the father, but she provides some shady responses. The Daily Mail reports:

Her husband denied the speculation, saying he was sure his wife would be happy to have the girl undergo a paternity test “We knew it would flare up and that is the point of my talking and the simple thing is we will do a DNA test,” he said.
Agreeing that he was not the girl’s father, the woman’s husband said: “I’m the step-dad, but there’s nothing to hide…and if I asked (the mother) I’m sure that she wouldn’t mind (to have a DNA test).”
But he wondered how they could even get Heath Ledger’s DNA. However, his wife refused to have any part of the DNA suggestion.
“I’m not answering anything,” she said. “I think it’s very, very rude that I’m being posed all of this. I really do. I can’t talk about anything.”

There’s only one solution to all this: DIG HIM UP! Wait, he was cremated. Balls. Okay, people, we’re going to need some Super Glue…

Surprise! Heath Ledger might have fathered a love child. His uncle broke the news to The Daily Telegraph which will undoubtedly make the estate bickering even more of a fucking fiasco:

Ledger was a 17-year-old schoolboy when he had an affair with an older woman who is thought to have only discovered she was pregnant after their relationship ended. The woman was living with another man at the time of the alleged affair.
Yesterday, Ledger’s uncle, Hadyn Ledger said: “There is a very real possibility that Heath was the father.”

Man, I wish I had a love child. A new one, that is. I’m getting kind of bored with the 203* I currently have. Also none of them refuse to engage me in armed combat. I even taped daggers to their bottles but, still, no dice. Wait. Can a three-year-old shoot a crossbow? Nah, the flaming arrow would throw off his aim. Or would it…

*Give or take 203.

Heath Ledger’s family have already begun the infighting over the handling of his estate. That didn’t take long. Apparently Heath’s uncles want Heath’s father Kim to be removed as executor because he completely botched the handling of his own father’s estate 15 years ago. Heath’s uncles have already told Michelle Williams father that Kim is a poor executor, according to People:

Ledger’s uncle Mike insists the family has nothing to gain by removing Kim: “Our only vested interest is to assure that Matilda is well looked after.”
Mike added that Kim’s recent statement that Matilda “will be taken care of” was not enough assurance. “When you are talking about large sums of money like this,” he says, “it should be an independent executor, but Kim hasn’t chosen that way.”

In case you didn’t know, Heath Ledger’s will was written in 2003 before he met Michelle Williams. It left everything to his parents and sisters. Which shouldn’t be that bad for Michelle considering she still has all that sweet Dawson Creek dough. Just don’t tell James Van Der Beek. He was paid in forehead cream.

Mary-Kate Olsen has moved on in a matter of weeks from her, what Star is calling, “secret boyfriend” the late Heath Ledger to Italian billionaire/drug connoisseur Lapo Elkann:

While in Paris for Fashion Week, MK flirted with Lapo, the heir to the $7.3 billion Fiat auto dynasty, who overdosed on cocaine and heroin at the home of a transsexual in 2005. Lapo, who now claims he has found sobriety through AA meetings in NYC, clung to life for three days in a coma before recovering.
“Mary-Kate and Lapo seemed very cozy” while sitting next to each other at the Giambattista Valli fashion show on Feb. 28, says a source.

Oh yeah, this guy’s dead. But at least he’ll get to meet Heath Ledger and exchange war stories about having sex with a coke-fueled monkey-woman. Should be fun. What? You can’t tell me Mary-Kate doesn’t swing from the ceiling by her tail. That’s just science.

The DEA has ended their investigation of two doctors in the Heath Ledger case. The doctors supposedly prescribed Heath the pain medication that resulted in his death, but federal agents are clearing them of any wrongdoing, according to the New York Post:

The Drug Enforcement Agency questioned the medics and found that both of them had met with the “Brokeback Mountain” star and prescribed him other medications, but they are not the source of the two powerful drugs taken by Ledger, 28, who was found dead on Jan. 22.

So Heath Ledger got his medication from God knows where and unfortunately took too much. Tragic stuff, for sure, but I think the press has milked all they can out of this story. Unfortunately, however and still using the cow metaphor, Britney Spears’ milk bladder of news is not only dragging on the ground it’s hanging over the fence and spraying the neighboring farm. Which would be awesome if Old Man Jenkins wasn’t lactose intolerant. That poor metaphorical bastard.

While Britney Spears’ insanity was determined not to be a federal case, Heath Ledger’s death is getting the federal treatment. Two doctors are currently being scrutinized by federal drug investigators, according to NY Daily News:

The doctors - one in California, one in Texas - are believed to have supplied the “Brokeback Mountain” star with the powerful painkillers Oxycontin and Vicodin, law enforcement sources said. Authorities want to know if the drugs were prescribed illegally. “It’s an ongoing investigation,” a law enforcement source told The News Tuesday. “It’s not clear if there was any wrongdoing.”

Somehow I hope Sam Lutfi is blamed for this. And also Pete Wentz. Then they have to share a jail cell in Guantanamo Bay with a Heath Ledger fan named RazorCock McButtLover. Dear Jesus, if you’re up there, please make this happen. I’ll be a good boy for the rest of the year, I promise. I’ll eat all my vegetables and go to church. Though I can’t promise not to bring my Gameboy because, Christ, that shit is boring. Amen.

Heath Ledger’s family issued the following statement in response to the final autopsy report:

We remain humble as parents and a family, among millions of people worldwide who may have suffered the tragic loss of a child. Few can understand the hollow, wrenching, and enduring agony parents silently suffer when a child predeceases them. Today’s results put an end to speculation, but our son’s beautiful spirit and enduring memory will forever remain in our hearts.

While no medications were taken in excess, we learned today the combination of doctor-prescribed drugs proved lethal for our boy. Heath’s accidental death serves as a caution to the hidden dangers of combining prescription medication, even at low dosage.

Our family enjoyed an extremely happy two week visit with Heath just prior to the New Year. Those recent precious days will stay with us forever. We as a family feel privileged to have some of his amazing magic moments captured in film. To most of the world Heath was an actor of immeasurable talent and promise. To those who knew him personally, Heath was a consummate artist whose passions also included photography, music, chess and directing. We knew Heath as a loving father, as our devoted son, and as a loyal and generous brother and friend.

We treasure our beautiful granddaughter Matilda (to our dear Michelle) as well as an unbelievably wonderful network of close friends, forever, around the world. Families rarely experience the uplifting, warm and massive outpouring of grief and support as have we, from every corner of the planet. This has deeply and profoundly touched our hearts and lives. We are eternally grateful.

At this moment we respectfully request the worldwide media allow us time to grieve privately, without the intrusions associated with press and photography.

Wait. Is he talking about me? He couldn’t be. I’m never considered press. No matter how many times I wear one of those little cards that says “Press” in my hat. Then again, maybe a beer can hat isn’t exactly journalistic. Or maybe it’s the most journalistic…

The New York City medical examiner ruled that Heath Ledger’s death was accidental and resulting from the abuse of prescription medications. Heath was suffering from sleeping disorders and anxiety issues. TMZ reports:

The NYC medical examiner has finished the toxicology report following the death of Heath Ledger, and has just ruled that the actor’s death was caused by “acute intoxication by the combined effects of oxycodone, hydrocodone, diazepam, temazepam, alprazolam, and doxylamine.”

People reports Michelle Williams is in Australia today with Heath’s family. A private funeral will be held Saturday.

Michelle Williams released the following statement today regarding the death of Heath Ledger. It is the first statement she’s made since Heath’s body was found last Tuesday in a New York City apartment, according to Reuters:

“Please respect our need to grieve privately. My heart is broken. I am the mother of the most tender-hearted, high-spirited, beautiful little girl who is the spitting image of her father. All that I can cling to is his presence inside her that reveals itself every day. His family and I watch Matilda as she whispers to trees, hugs animals, and takes steps two at a time, and we know that he is with us still. She will be brought up with the best memories of him.”

As long as little Matilda never watches The Order. I kid. Touching stuff.

Michelle Williams’ reps at ID public relations successfully pulled off a campaign to stop Entertainment Tonight from airing a video that showed Heath Ledger at a hotel party in 2006 where he talked about doing drugs. ET had paid $200,000 for the video, but ultimately opted not to air it after Michelle’s reps e-mailed several celebs. Page Six reports:

Paramount, the studio behind “ET,” was soon flooded with calls. Scarlett Johansson text-messaged: “As if Heath’s poor family doesn’t have enough to suffer through.” A rep for Johansson confirmed she “was involved.” “ET” producers also got a call from Natalie Portman and e-mails from Josh Brolin and Sarah Jessica Parker, said a source.

Sarah Jessica Parker? Yikes! You better do what she says or else she’ll show up at your office in a maelstrom of horseface and high heels. Nobody wants that. Not even Matthew Broderick.

Michelle Williams kicked Heath Ledger out of their Brooklyn home because of his drug problems over the past year. Heath would disappear for days on end and show up a complete mess, according to a member of Heath’s entourage. Page Six reports:

“He was partying, doing drugs. She didn’t like the company he was keeping. She gave him an ultimatum. . . . and threatened to get custody of the girl. He wanted to make it work, but it was this scene he was wrapped up in. Was he an addict? Yeah.”

Entertainment Tonight was also going to air a tape of Heath doing cocaine at a hotel party in 2006, but opted not to out of respect for the Ledger family. Heath also had a problem with heroin that may shed light on his death, according to Page Six’s source:

“Once you go down that road, then it gets really scary. Because all of sudden you shoot up, you take heroin, then you do a line of cocaine and then you take sleeping pills. Look at River Phoenix, he died exactly the same way.”

I tried to find the Heath Ledger drug video on YouTube but all I found was some jackass who filmed himself through what looks like a roll of toilet paper. I don’t want to say it’s the most retarded thing I’ve seen in a while because I cover Britney Spears everyday. So that bar is pretty high. That being said, now I can’t stop saying “Earthen dam.” God, I hate you, YouTube. But I can’t quit you.

An impostor claiming to be Heath Ledger’s father Kim Ledger (above) was receiving emotional support over the phone from Tom Cruise. The con man also attempted to milk John Travolta for plane tickets to New York and had the funeral home where Heath’s body was being kept book him rooms at the Carlyle Hotel, according to the New York Post:

Over the next few days, he “had had a couple of conversations with” Cruise, asking for emotional support, said the source. But Cruise abruptly cut him off when he learned “he was an impostor,” the source said. “Heath’s reps found out there was this hoaxer and they called various celebs.” Sources close to Cruise confirmed the impostor contacted him.

This dude is definitely a sick son of a bitch, but I wonder why he picked Tom Cruise and John Travolta. According to the videos I watched on YouTube before the users got their pants sued off, Scientologists are the bee’s knees at picking out liars. And here I was just about to believe that aliens in B-52’s created life on Earth. But now, not so much. For shame Tom Cruise and John Travolta. For shame.

In the latest round of speculation on Heath Ledger’s death, TMZ is reporting that sources connected to the case feel there’s a strong chance Heath died of natural causes and not accidental overdose:

The reason they think that — it’s now appearing that the level of toxicity (from medication) in Ledger’s system was low enough that it may not have caused his death. These sources say Heath’s heart stopped. It could have been a heart attack but it’s not certain, at least not yet. Although it’s bizarre that a 28-year-old could die of natural causes, it happens.

Pauly Shore presented his own conspiracy theory (video here) that it was the Olsen twins. Why someone would interview Pauly Shore is beyond me. I would’ve videotaped an ant carrying a potato chip instead. But only because I’m so dedicated to journalism. Also, I’m on the Pringles payroll. Hey, pec implants don’t grow on trees. Yet…

The masseuse who discovered Heath Ledger’s body called Mary-Kate Olsen instead of 911 using the speed dial on Heath’s cell phone, the AP reports:

A day before a Friday private viewing for the 28-year-old actor, police said the masseuse spent nine minutes repeatedly ringing “Full House” actress Mary-Kate Olsen before calling authorities for help.
The masseuse called Olsen a fourth time after paramedics arrived — at the same time as Olsen’s security guards.

To be fair, I also call an Olsen twin in an emergency. Mostly on the off chance they’re hanging out with Dave “Uncle Joey” Coulier. Something about a gratuitous Pop-eye impression evens me right out. One time he even asked if I “got any wood.” I laughed and was like, “Oh, awesome, Mr. Woodchuck. Classic.” Then he awkwardly laughed and said, “Uh, yeah, right the, uh, woodchuck. Gotta go.” Comedy gold.

Here’s the latest update on the Heath Ledger situation. The $20 bill was clean and now it’s being reported that any drugs found at the scene were prescription drugs specifically for Heath, according to the AP:

There were six different types of prescription drugs in the room, including pills to treat insomnia and anxiety, and an antihistamine, according to two law enforcement officials who spoke on condition of anonymity because the investigation is ongoing.

All respect to Heath, I’m going to go out on a limb here and say it probably wasn’t a good idea to mix all those. Then again, what do I know? I still take Flintstones Vitamins. Time to get my Dino on…