Heather Locklear has been formally charged for DUI stemming from her September arrest. Authorities say she was under the influence of prescription medicines, according to People:

If convicted, the actress, 47, faces penalties ranging from a fine to up to six months in county jail.
An arraignment was set for Jan. 26 in Santa Barbara Superior Court.
“Lab tests showed she had no alcohol in her system and no illegal narcotics of any kind,” says Senior Deputy District Attorney Lee Carter, who declined to comment on what medications – or the amounts – Locklear had taken.

Dude, are you scoping out those looks? I think she wants me. Big time.

David Spade, who somehow dated Heather Locklear in 2006 (Damn his hobbit magic!), texted her shortly after her recent DUI arrest to lend his support, according to People:

“I think things get blown out a lot of proportion,” said Spade. “She’s always solid and always a great person. And I think people understand she’s in a tough situation and she does her best.”

That’s nice. Because right after you get arrested for DUI you want to be reminded you dated David Spade. Jesus, while you’re at it, you might as well call her fat then insult her cooking.

Apparently, there’s some shady circumstances surrounding Heather Locklear’s DUI arrest. The person who called 911 to report Heather was former Us Weekly staffer Jill Ishkanian who was under FBI investigation for hacking Us computers to locate celebrities. TMZ reports:

When Heather got in her car, Ishkanian called 911, even though the car wasn’t even moving at the time.
Now get this — sources say immediately after Ishkanian called 911, she called a paparazzi agency to give them the heads up Heather was about to be popped. TMZ obtained those photos, not knowing it was Ishkanian who set the ball in motion.
And it gets worse. Ishkanian apparently is the only witness who says Lockelear was driving erratically and that she was drunk, even though it’s already established she was not under the influence of alcohol.

While Heather was not drunk, she was definitely under the influence of something which landed her the DUI. Unless that’s her normal face these days. In which case, come to papa! Finally, I can be with a women who will look like she’s seen the face of God when I take my pants off. You know, instead of my usual response of pointing, laughing and “I don’t get it.”

Heather Locklear was arrested by the California Highway Patrol for suspicion of driving under the influence of a controlled substance. She was picked up in Montecito after someone called 911 to report an erratic driver. The LA Times reports:

Locklear showed bizarre behavior, driving back and forth over a pair of sunglasses on the pavement and revving her engine. After leaving the parking lot, she stopped her car on the street and stumbled into the traffic lane, according to the caller, who followed Locklear out of concern, Marshall said.
When the CHP officer arrived, Locklear’s car was parked on State Route 192 partially blocking a lane, Marshall said. The officer talked to her and determined that she was disoriented and “under the influence of something.” She was taken to the CHP’s Santa Barbara-area office to be tested for alcohol and drugs.
Locklear tested negative for alcohol. Other drug tests will be returned in a few days, Marshall said.

Judging by her mugshot, there’s no way Heather Locklear will even realize she’s been arrested until at least Wednesday - of next week. On that note, I’m convinced she’s either trying to steal my soul or order a pizza telepathically. What’s that, Drug-Face? I don’t think “Denise Richards is a gaping whore” counts as a topping. But I’ll ask.

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Heather Locklear is photographed here filming her new movie Flirting with 40. According to IMDB: “A divorced mother approaching her 40th birthday falls for a younger man while on vacation.” That’s funny because Heather Locklear is pushing 50 in real life. So Heather not only flirted with 40, it had its way with her then, ironically, ditched her for Denise Richards. True story that I’m willing to ignore to have sweet granny sex with Heather. Afterwards, we’ll snuggle up for some Matlock. See? I’m romantic.

Richie Sambora was arrested for DUI and is now staring down the barrel of charges for child endangerment since he brilliantly decided to drive drunk with his 10-year-old daughter Ava in the car. Also in the car was another minor and an unidentified woman. Scope out Heather Locklear’s response when notified of the arrest, according to TMZ:

And, police sources say, after Sambora was busted, the cops called Heather Locklear, Ava’s mom. We’re told Heather authorized the woman in the car to drive her daughter home.

Okay, your ex-husband just get picked up driving drunk with your daughter in the car. Most mothers would’ve rushed to the scene and picked up their child. Heather Locker says, “Eh, just let some chick drive her home.” Damn, she’s hot and lazy. It’s almost like we were made for each other. Heather, will you marry me? I promise not to leave you for Denise Richards. Unless I could somehow pull it off without leaving the couch….

Well at least on CBS’s Rules of Engagement tonight at 9:30p! I can’t wait to see how this plays out because Heather Locklear has signed on for a few more episodes!