Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt reportedly eloped in Cabo San Lucas on Thursday November 20. The two exchanged vows, and Spencer, keeping true to his deep spiritual connection with Heidi, bartered his with Perez Hilton for some free publicity:

Heidi, from the moment you came into my life, I knew my life would never be the same without you. You are the light in my life like the sun to the earth! Your loving warmth makes me want to be a better person. Being with you, I feel complete. I’m honored to even be able to call you my wife. You are the most amazing, loving and caring woman on this planet. I will love you forever and always.

Wrapping up this post quickly, I should be honest and admit I bought these two a wedding gift. While taking personal joy in watching their last feeble stunt at relevancy, I couldn’t resist picking up a copy of “Phil Hartman’s Guide to a Successful Marriage.” May it guide Heidi and Spencer on their journey of love, discovery and, God willing, heated arguments with a loaded firearm handy.

Cheers.

Remember when Doogie Howser got his panties in a bunch about producers “stunt casting” Britney Spears on his sitcom How I Met Your Mother? He’s gotta be shitting his lab coat right about now. CBS has secured Kim Kardashian for a cameo along with two other asshats you might have heard of. People reports:

Kardashian, who was voted off of Dancing with the Stars Oct. 1, will be joining fellow reality stars (and her step-brother Brody Jenner’s former BFF) Spencer Pratt and Heidi Montag in the episode, where they will be playing “magazine cover versions of themselves,” according to a show rep.

While I want to feel bad for Kim Kardashian being lumped in with Heidi and Spencer, I forget I have no soul and hope the set catches on fire. That said, this show has to be near cancellation because talk about stunt casting and a half. Christ, who’s next? The kid with Down syndrome from Life Goes On? Actually, I take that back. At least Corky has genuine acting talent whereas Heidi, Spencer and Kim have the social necessity of a gunshot wound.

Criss Angel and Holly Madison attended the Vegas premiere of Repo! The Genetic Opera last night, and wait a goddamn minute. Ha! It all makes sense now:

Blonde with plastic tits? Check.
Walking bag of douche? Check.
Retarded poses? Check.

Anyone else see what’s going on here? I’ve said some horrible shit on this site, but nothing will prepare you for this:
Criss Angel and Holly Madison are the new Heidi & Spencer.

*KABOOM!*

Seriously, there’s no coming back from an insult like that. If someone called me and my significant other the Ass Twins, I’d jump in a woodchipper and hope to God migrant workers lit my remains on fire. (Hint, hint, nudge, nudge, get your ass to Home Depot, Criss Angel.)

These are pics of Heidi Montag decked out for Halloween, and while I dodged a bullet yesterday, there’s no way I’m not posting this latest set to hit my desk. Chins McJugs dressed up as a slutty cop? That’s everything this site stands for. When The Superficial Writers came over on the Mayflower trying to touch some Pilgrim boob, we dedicated ourselves to celebrating giant mammary glands regardless of sex, creed or vapid C-wordiness. That said, I tried to leave Spencer out of these pics as much as possible. Mostly because I’m an artist and want to make sure you guys capture the inner beauty of these photographs. (Read: Heidi Montag’s large, stupidly fake breasts.) Trick or Treat!

These are pics of Heidi Montag decked out for Halloween, and while I dodged a bullet yesterday, there’s no way I’m not posting this latest set to hit my desk. Chins McJugs dressed up as a slutty cop? That’s everything this site stands for. When The Superficial Writers came over on the Mayflower trying to touch some Pilgrim boob, we dedicated ourselves to celebrating giant mammary glands regardless of race, creed or vapid C-wordiness. That said, I tried to leave Spencer out of these pics as much as possible. Mostly because I’m an artist and want to make sure you guys capture the inner beauty of these photographs. (Read: Heidi Montag’s large, stupidly fake breasts.) Trick or Treat!

To all the readers who thought Spencer Pratt is gay, give yourselves a big ol’ pat on the back. Turns out that, despite their staunch Republican upbringing, Heidi and Spencer are huge supporters of same-sex marriage. Especially Spencer. The guy loves it (I mean, LOVES it) and couldn’t help but share his feelings with E! News:

“I think it’s your own choice,” Montag said last night at the opening of Svedka presents Hollywood, DC: Lights! Camera! Election!, an art show at the World of Wonder Storefront Gallery in Hollywood. “I think, you know, whoever you decide to marry—boys, girls, whatever you like—it’s up to you.”
Pratt credits his girlfriend’s glam squad with his open-mindedness. “Heidi’s hair and makeup people are my favorite people in the world and they happen to be gay,” he said. “So if they wanna go marry each other, good for them.”

But don’t worry; they’re still huge supporters of John McCain who, surprisingly, hasn’t locked these two in Guantanamo Bay before he dives even further in the polls (There’s still time, Senator. Maverick their asses!):

They don’t think Colin Powell’s endorsement of Barack Obama will hurt Sen. McCain. “I think McCain is strong and great,” Montag cooed. “And, you know, who needs Colin Powell?”

Heidi Montag: a vapid, mountain of chin and funbags dismissing the career of Colin Powell. Only in America, folks. In the meantime, I included just one pic of Spencer on this post and the rest are all Heidi - which I now realize is like putting a birthday hat on a tumor: Cute, but what the fuck?

Video after the jump.

Before everyone births a walrus, I’ve been avoiding these two like the plague. That said, I’ve been bombarded with e-mails today alerting me to Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt’s latest, and most shitass, photo shoot yet. In an obvious effort to get my attention, the Douche Twins posed in Sarah Palin shirts while holding a shotgun, six-pack and Harry Browne’s book “You Can Profit From a Monetary Crisis.” This, of course, comes extremely close to meeting condition #2 of my criteria for post-worthiness:

However, to show that I’m not an unreasonable man and for the sake of journalist integrity, I will make the following exceptions in allowing you on this site:
1. Heidi wears a bikini.
2. Heidi covers her topless chest in maple syrup while stumping for Sarah Palin at a Klan rally.

Granted, there’s no Aunt Jemima or Klansmen, these two asshats couldn’t be more gay for Sarah Palin if they started throwing Bibles at poor people. Anyway, to all my conservative readers, feel free to thank Heidi & Spencer for officially costing you the election. In fact, you can pinpoint the exact moment John McCain loses in these pictures: Right when someone forgot to load the gun. Smooth.

MTV’s ratings juggernaut The Hills may end after this season proving that perhaps there is a God after all. Turns out these jackasses, including the Laurens (above), are holding out for more money and fail to realize they could be easily replaced with chimps. Which would probably make the show exponentially more watchable. (Provided the chimps where those little propeller hats.) OK! Magazine reports:

“No one gets along anymore,” an insider explains. “Whitney moved to New York, Audrina can’t stand to be in the same room as Lauren anymore and they all want more money.”

And, since it’s Wednesday, here are the PER EPISODE salaries of The Hills stars, so your head can explode:

LAUREN: $75,000
HEIDI: $65,000
SPENCER: $65,000
AUDRINA: $35,000
BRODY: $10,000

Okay, I get it: It’s MTV. But still, I seriously doubt one of these jokers could walk in and say they don’t make enough money without getting beaten to death with a stapler. I already want to run over Heidi & Spencer with my car, could you imagine if I had to pay them? I’d be pouring the goddamn Hanta virus in their coffee every morning.

Dear Heidi Montag & Spencer Pratt,

I regret to inform you that your dopey mugs will no longer be featured on The Superficial.

After conducting a thoroughly scientific survey where I let people call you assholes, it’s been almost unanimously determined our readers prefer the STD Tower of Lank above over you two. Let me repeat that: PEOPLE WOULD RATHER READ ABOUT PARIS HILTON THAN LOOK AT YOUR FACES. Frankly, I don’t even know how someone accomplishes such a feat, but you two pulled off in spades.

However, to show that I’m not an unreasonable man and for the sake of journalist integrity, I will make the following exceptions in allowing you on this site:

1. Heidi wears a bikini.
2. Heidi covers her topless chest in maple syrup while stumping for Sarah Palin at a Klan rally.

I hope at this time you two will respect that democracy has triumphed here today, and I wish you absolutely zero success in your future endeavors. In fact, I started going to church just so I could pray Heidi gets pregnant.

Sincerely,

The Superficial Writer.

P.S. Paris, if you’re reading this, I just FEDEX’d you a steak. EAT IT.

EDIT: This is the real deal, folks. Let it never be said I’m not a good and righteous ruler of the Interwebs.

Hey, Republicans, these two all yours! The new charitable Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt helped kick off the Taco Bell Reality Check Challenge yesterday which helps stop world hunger. When asked about the Vice Presidential Debate, Spencer endorsed his hackey mam of choice Sarah Palin, according to Hollyscoop:

“Well I got my six pack in the car I am a true American like Sarah so were good.”

Perfect, you’ve got your sixer just like Suzie MooseShot. Now here’s what to do if you truly are Spencer Pratt: Lover of Freedom: Down those suckers, pop Heidi in the passenger seat, then play a little game I like to call “How Many Trees Can I Knock Over With My Car Doing 80.” Ready GO!

NOTE: Video after the jump that should disqualify these jokers from any future charity events even if the cure for AIDS is oozing from their pores.

Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt of The Hills pretended to be people who shouldn’t be launched into space yesterday by volunteering at the Union Rescue Mission in LA. The two served meals to the homeless while attempting to look deeply concerned about the plight of the less unfortunate. That lasted all of about two seconds before Heidi and Spencer started posing over the mashed potatoes. Jesus, don’t hobos stab anybody anymore? There used to be a thing called “tradition” in this country.

Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt have been immortalized in portraits that are now displayed in Wolfgang Puck’s Beverly Hills restaurant “Cut.” I guess rich people like to enjoy fine cuisine while being ominously stared at by the still images of soulless Republican wunderdouches. To each his own, I suppose. In the meantime, if Mr. Puck would like to immediately raise the value of his new “artwork,” might I suggest a meat cleaver? Just tell them it’s a new type of camera then let the blind rage seep in when the posing starts. The Superficial: Helping you with dollars and sense.

It’s official: Spencer Pratt has no shame. I can’t say it enough, whenever I look these two assclowns posing like they just won the Special Olympics, I say a little prayer that Heidi Montag is still a virgin. C’mon, what could be a bigger kick in the balls than being photographed getting a manicure then going home to jerk off in a sock while your girlfriend parades around the house in an “I