Britney Spears’ two-year-old son Jayden (above) was rushed to a Mississippi ER yesterday after reportedly suffering a seizure. Britney had just arrived in Louisiana on Friday to celebrate the holiday with her family marking the first time she was allowed to take the boys out of the state since Kevin Federline gained primary custody. That lasted 24 hours. The Daily Mail reports:

Jayden James was raced to the emergency ward after lapsing into a ‘vague and unresponsive’ state.
The toddler fell ill yesterday afternoon at the family home in Kentwood, Louisiana. The entire Spears clan made the 25-mile dash to Southwest Mississippi Regional Medical Centre, Mississippi.
Doctors were unable to pinpoint the problem straight away and kept the toddler in for overnight observation. Distraught Britney, 26, refused to leave his side and asked for a bed next to him in the ward.
Her ex-husband, rapper Kevin Federline, is now believed to be making plans to jet out of Los Angeles to be at Jayden’s bedside.

First off, in all seriousness, here’s hoping little Jayden’s okay. You can’t choose the vagina you fall out of. In the meantime, you know when the doctors said “We’re not quite sure what the problem is…” everyone in the hospital turned and looked at Britney - who pretended she wasn’t just trying to cook a hot dog with the defibrillator pads.

Britney Spears’ two-year-old son Jayden (above) was rushed to a Mississippi ER yesterday after reportedly suffering a seizure. Britney had just arrived in Louisiana on Friday to celebrate the holiday with her family marking the first time she was allowed to take the boys out of the state since Kevin Federline gained primary custody. That lasted 24 hours. The Daily Mail reports:

Jayden James was raced to the emergency ward after lapsing into a ‘vague and unresponsive’ state.
The toddler fell ill yesterday afternoon at the family home in Kentwood, Louisiana. The entire Spears clan made the 25-mile dash to Southwest Mississippi Regional Medical Centre, Mississippi.
Doctors were unable to pinpoint the problem straight away and kept the toddler in for overnight observation. Distraught Britney, 26, refused to leave his side and asked for a bed next to him in the ward.
Her ex-husband, rapper Kevin Federline, is now believed to be making plans to jet out of Los Angeles to be at Jayden’s bedside.

First off, in all seriousness, here’s hoping little Jayden’s okay. You can’t choose the vagina you fall out of. In the meantime, you know when the doctors said “We’re not quite sure what the problem is…” everyone in the hospital turned and looked at Britney - who pretended she wasn’t just trying to cook a hot dog with the defibrillator pads.

UPDATE: People is reporting Jayden is doing fine and doctors are chalking it up to an allergic reaction. “He had hives, was itchy and irritable,” according to a source. As to what caused the reaction, that’s anybody’s guess.

Janet Jackson was rushed to the hospital last night when she “got suddenly ill” before her concert in Montreal, according to the AP. No information was given on her condition, but Janet’s already rescheduling the show so it can’t be too serious. Of course, I already knew that having read this item from Page Six which will drop a hint right in your lap:

The other night, Dupri and his squeeze, Janet Jackson, went to Tenjune, where, spies say, they shared bottles of Jay-Z’s Ace of Spades Champagne and Patrón tequila with Ne-Yo, Busta Rhymes and Ice-T - until Dupri “vomited in Janet’s lap. Ms. Jackson bolted out of the scene and sped off in her chauffeured Maybach.” A rep for Jackson and Dupri didn’t return calls.

I’m pretty sure getting puked on my Jermaine Dupri isn’t exactly good for your health, but I’ve been wrong before. Like that time I thought I thought Brooke Hogan was a girl. Ha! I was way off.

Thanks to James who can not only hold his liquor but several assorted meats and cheeses as well. True story.

Plane-crash survivor Travis Barker was discharged from the Joseph M. Still Burn Center in Georgia today well ahead of the two-week mark given by Jermaine Dupri on Friday. DJ AM, who also escaped the crash with Travis, was released Friday. People reports:

“Travis is in good condition and was discharged this morning,” Burn Center spokesperson Beth Frits told PEOPLE Monday. “He has left Augusta.”

Travis was last seen paddling down Interstate 95 in a canoe. Have you ever seen of those burst into flames? I rest my case.

Travis Barker is doing well and “feeling the love” from fans, according to his business partner Jermaine Dupri. Travis, along with DJ AM, are in the hospital after suffering severe burns when they escaped a plane crash that left four of his friends dead. People reports:

Barker’s improved spirits could be due to his newly outfitted hospital room: “He’s just now getting everything in the hospital set up for him – iPods, computers, everything that he needs,” says Dupri, who estimates Barker will be in the hospital another two weeks. “You got to make sure he is comfortable.”

I hope he likes the model planes I sent. Get well soon, Travis!

UPDATE: DJ AM just got out. That’s gotta burn I’m going to Hell.

For the few of you who haven’t heard, former Blink-182 drummer Travis Barker and DJ AM were the sole survivors of a plane crash Saturday in South Carolina that left four people dead. The two had just performed at a free concert (above) near the University of South Carolina with Perry Farrell and Gavin DeGraw. They are currently being treated at the Joseph M. Still Burn Center for second- and third- degree burns, the AP reports:

“Anybody who can survive a plane crash is pretty lucky,” Mullins told reporters during a news conference Sunday morning.
Barker was burned on his torso and lower body and DJ AM, whose real name is Adam Goldstein, was burned on an arm and a portion of his scalp, according to a statement from the musicians’ families released by the hospital. Mullins declined to discuss specific recovery times for the men, but said such injuries can take a year to fully heal.
Both men are still in critical but stable condition, he said.

Right before the crash, Travis and DJ AM were lucky enough to dive out of the plane while it was engulfed in flames. An eyewitness, William Owens, watched the wreckage careen across the highway in front of him and came upon the survivors:

“I noticed two guys who were on fire and it looked like a dance: They didn’t know what to do,” said Owens, a 60-year-old delivery van driver.
Goldstein had stripped off his own shirt and was helping Barker strip naked, said Owens, who was able to identify the men Saturday night because of news reports that showed Barker’s extensive tattoos.
Owens said Goldstein told him four other people were on board the jet, but the flames were too intense to get close.
“‘Oh my God’ was all they were saying,” Owens said of Barker and Goldstein. “They stood there and it’s like — didn’t know what to do. None of us did.”

According to a recording recovered from the cockpit by authorities, it appears a tire burst while the plane was near its 92 mph take-off speed.

The Superficial wishes a healthy recovery for Travis Barker and DJ AM along with our sincere condolences to the families of Chris Baker, Charles Still, Sarah Lemmon and James Bland.

Morgan Freeman was released from the hospital today. He was admitted with several broken bones after flipping his car late Sunday night. People reports:

“I left the hospital today just after 12 noon, Memphis time,” Freeman said in a statement released by his rep to PEOPLE. “I’m doing very well. I feel real good. I just really, I thank the staff at ‘Elvis Presley [Hospital]’ and many, many thanks to my many well-wishers. It’s great to know people care about you.”

Upon discharge, Morgan Freeman repeatedly asked “Where all the bitches at?” Before explaining to a hospital worker: “A dog’s gotta hunt.” God, I can’t wait to get old.

Morgan Freeman is surprisingly jovial after being pulled out of his car by the jaws of life late Sunday night. He’s scheduled to undergo surgery for several broken bones, but is quoted as saying “Pfft. Car crashes are pussy shit.” Okay, he didn’t really say that, but I like to imagine he did with that distinctive tone he uses to narrate documentaries. People reports:

“He has a broken arm, broken elbow and minor shoulder damage but he is in good spirits,” said Donna Lee. “He is going to have surgery this afternoon or tomorrow to correct the damage. He says he’ll be okay and is looking forward to a full recovery.”

Morgan Freeman’s Dark Knight co-star Christian Bale has offered to do whatever it takes to help Morgan get back on his feet. In fact, he’s even pledged to punch his own mother in the face if it’ll help. Doctors are pretty sure it won’t but are afraid of telling Christian and getting headbutted through a window. That shit hurts and these dudes know. They’re doctors.

Apparently it’s Sobering News Day on The Superficial. Morgan Freeman was seriously injured in an accident late last night and is in serious condition at a Mississippi hospital. His car flipped several times after veering off the highway and rescue workers needed to use the jaws of life to get the 71-year-old actor out. Though he appeared to be coherent and even joked with onloookers, according to the AP:

“They had to use the jaws of life to extract him from the vehicle,” McFerrin said. “He was lucid, conscious. He was talking, joking with some of the rescue workers at one point.”
McFerrin said bystanders converged on the scene trying to get a glimpse of the actor.
When one person tried to snap a photo with a cell phone camera, Freeman joked, “no freebies, no freebies,” McFerrin said.

When Oscar-winning actor Morgan Freeman gets pulled out of a massive wreck, you don’t try to take his picture with your phone. You shake the man’s hand, dammit! I’m telling you there’s no such as etiquette these days.

The Superficial wishes Morgan a speedy recovery and not just because I’m afraid to see someone else build Batman kickass shit in the next movie. (But if it ends up being Ashton Kutcher, I’ll kill myself.)

Turns out Amy Winehouse’s trip to the ER Monday night wasn’t because of a reaction her medication. Her father Mitch is pretty adamant that someone slipped Ecstasy in Amy’s drink and has even contacted the fuzz, according to The Sun:

A source said after Rehab star Amy was discharged yesterday: “Mitch is furious. He’s certain someone put E in Amy’s drink — and he’s determined to get to the bottom of it. He is convinced that one of her hangers-on was responsible and he’s waiting for a toxicology report to show what caused her to fit.

Jesus. I mean, who would slip E into Amy Winehouse’s drink? I just couldn’t fathom what sort of individual would do such a thing. If only we knew of a suspect with a long history of drug abuse that would love to see Amy trip her face off for a couple of hours while getting shitfaced drunk at the same time. Hmm. Curiouser and curiouser…

Amy Winehouse was hospitalized last night after she apparently had a “reaction” to medication she’s taking as part of an anti-drug regimen. Amy had collapsed at her apartment and her dad Mitch called paramedics telling them “She’s fucked up, she’s fucked up.” But, in defiance of all logic and reason, she’s somehow doing fine and will be released tomorrow. The Sun reports:

An onlooker said worried Mitch told fans: “She’s just mixed up her medication.”
Later dad Mitch went to University College Hospital and took Amy some Kentucky Fried Chicken.
Asked how she was, Mitch held up two bags of food and said: “This is how serious it is — I’m bringing her some KFC.”

For the record, Amy doesn’t so much eat the chicken as she reinforces her beehive with the bones. Or at least tries to before giving up and smoking a crack pipe the size of a bus. Yet, somehow, God let’s her keep living. I’m gonna go ahead and assume this has something to do with me touching myself at night. Not quite sure the punishment fits the crime, but whatever….

Okay, remember when Amy Winehouse’s dad Mitch said she has emphysema and was going to die? Well, he might have embellished things a bit. Turns out Amy has “low level signs” of the disease. But it’s technically not emphysema and the damage is reversible - if she quits smoking. So, perhaps Mitch was getting a preemptive jump on when she’ll have it. My money’s on July. Anyway, here’s what he told BBC Radio:

“Amy really hasn’t got emphysema, there’s traces of emphysema. Obviously, if she doesn’t quit smoking, it’s going to get worse, like everyone else … with patience her lungs will recover completely.”

So essentially, Amy has the same predisposition to emphysema as any other smoker. Real smooth, Mitch. Way to cry wolf on that one. Now nobody’s going to believe you when Amy gets so freaking high next week, she travels through a wormhole to become the queen of Reverse Earth and collapses the entire space/time continuum. Oh, that’s great, Mitch. Just great. Call me old-fashioned, but I’m sort of attached to, oh I dunno, EXISTING. Goddammit, I knew that beehive was no good. I could tell by the way it’s always looking at me no matter where I’m standing…

Doctors believed Amy Winehouse was suffering from tuberculosis after she fainted in her home on Monday, but it turns out she’s just got a really bad chest infection and also an irregular heartbeat. Hmm, I wonder what could’ve caused these things. If only there was some clear cut, bright as day answer to why Amy Winehouse’s body is a walking unwrapped mummy of disease… Puzzling. The Daily Mail reports:

A close friend said: “Doctors are still struggling to control her heartbeat but the chest condition has been really worrying them. She’d been suffering horrible coughing fits and hurling up blood for a while but refused to be examined. Doctors are doing more tests to be certain. The last thing she needs is to be wheeled on stage. She needs a rest.”

This just in: Doctors have removed a Colombian drug mule from Amy’s left ventricle. How the donkey got in there will baffle the field of medicine for years to come. Until they figure out she uses really, really big drug needles. I’m talking these things have wheels, driver’s seat and passenger side airbags. Did I mention a DVD player for the kids? That too. Lease now for an affordable APR you won’t want to miss.*

*Subject to credit approval. Bring a tourniquet.

Amy Winehouse collapsed in her home today while “doing admin” (Read: A high-top sneaker stuffed with blow.) when she suffered a fainting spell and was caught by her assistant. She quickly recovered and is resting at a private hospital for precautionary measures, according to BBC News:

Her manager’s assistant was able to stop her falling and Winehouse’s father, Mitch, escorted her to hospital “as a precaution”, the spokesman said.
Doctors are unsure as to the cause of the incident and the star may be kept in hospital overnight for observation.
The 24-year-old had been signing autographs for Canadian fans who had been waiting outside her house all day, her spokesman said.

“Doctors are unsure as to the cause of the incident.” Really? Because I’m pretty sure it was a shitload of drugs. I don’t have a Ph.D., but I think I’ve got this one figured out. So how bout letting me give surgery a crack? True, I’ve got really shaky hands from drinking too much coffee, but I don’t think that should stop us. Wait, hold on, I’m blacking out from the narcolepsy. …. And we’re back. Scalpel!

NOTE: The above pic is Amy waiting for the ambulance to show up while her Canadian fan screams with joy and, I’ll assume, debilitating alcoholism.

Steve-O was admittedly on a 5150 hold at Cedars-Sinai which has been extended to a 5250 14-day hold. The reason? I’ll let Steve-O explain to you himself via his blog which he somehow managed to update last night:

“They call it “code 5150,” that means “psycho,” legally, fuckin bat-shit, certifiably. I’m outta my
mind, believe-you-me. How’d I get this way? How can this be? It’s gotten so bad there’s nothing left of me.” -Steve-O

Apparently his Jackass buddies are the ones that got him into the hospital. And by force:

Those words were written during a “low.” Before the day when Johnny Knoxville, Jeff Tremaine, Big Regg, Swizz, Rick Kosick, Dimitry Elyaschevich, Cordell Mansfield, and Trip Taylor came to my home and, physcially, forced me into the hospital.

Steve-O,

Since I now know you have access to the Internet and probably read the shit I wrote about you yesterday, I’d just like to say, in the name of pure unbridled journalism, I stand by every single word. That being said, I wish you the best of luck in your recovery. In the meantime, it’d be freaking hilarious if you shocked yourself with one of those chest defibrillator thingers. But, and bear with me, without saying “clear.” I’ve always wondered what would happen. Time travel, maybe? Who knows? But hopefully you will and soon. Also try and get it on YouTube by 1 PM PST so I have something to wrap the week up with. Ah, you’re a sport.

Get well soon,

The Superficial Writer

Steve-O was reportedly admitted to Cedars-Sinai Hospital last Sunday. He’s also getting nailed for felony cocaine possession by the LA County District Attorney’s office, according to TMZ:

Regarding the hospitalization, we’re told O was admitted to the Thalians Mental Health Center last Sunday — the same place Owen Wilson was at.
The drug charge stems from his arrest on March 3 for allegedly vandalizing his neighbor’s property, whereupon cops found him in possession of coke.

Here’s the details on Steve-O’s arrest where his neighbor pulled a little vigilante action that sadly didn’t include a little bullet to the face action:

TMZ has learned that Steve-O was, according to a source, breaking holes in the walls of his L.A. apartment building when one of his neighbors dropped a dime on him, and even made a citizen’s arrest, holding Steve-O until the LAPD arrived, and took him away.

I don’t want to say Steve-O is one of the brightest minds of our generation. But, seriously, this guy has his shit together and I really feel he should be broadcast to the world so others can follow in his footsteps. And when those others follow the aforementioned footsteps into the mouth of an alligator, I will laugh heartily and know the human gene pool just got exponentially smarter. This will enable us to finally build a flying car which I will then use to pick up bird-women. In the name of science, of course.

As of today, Sam Luftesticles has yet to be served the restraining order that would effectively keep him 250 yards from Britney Spears. In the meantime, he’s acquired himself a press agent, Michael Sands. Ironically, Michael Sands was a media consultant for Mark Vincent Kaplan who is Kevin Federline’s defense lawyer. TMZ reports:

Sands, who knows a thing or two about crisis management, has been brought on board by Lutfi to, as Lutfi put it to us, “set the record straight” about who he is.
Sands cryptically told TMZ, “I’m honored to work with a patriot like Sam Lutfi.” BTW, while Sands worked for Kaplan, his mission was partly to dig up dirt on Brit’s former manager.
For his part, Lutfi told TMZ, “Michael did his research and found the truth.”

Sam also called E! News yesterday to refute Lynne’s allegations that he drugged Britney. He refused to disclose his location but talked about Britney’s manic episodes and the events leading up to her last hospitalization:

“She wrote me a note and put a big heart on it and it said, ‘I love you, Sam. Are there people coming? Circle yes or no.’ Oh my God, it was funny, just the cutest little thing. I circled yes and I gave it back to her, and she looked at me and she’s like, ‘Oh, lord, here we go again.’ “

Britney Spears can write? Ha! Nice try, Captain America. I’m not falling for that one again. I never got my $200 back after I bought Britney’s diary off eBay. She didn’t even write in it unless you consider Elmer’s Glue and chocolate sprinkles a form of written communication. Though I was impressed by her finger painting. Britney’s either very adept at drawing ducks or a lot of her boyfriends had winged genitalia.

Britney’s father Jamie Spears had given a signed declaration to the court during his efforts to become conservatorship of Britney’s affair. In it he detailed his visit with Britney on Sunday, where he let her know that items were stolen from her house. Osama “Sam” Lutfi was the culprit. Britney wasn’t surprised, according to OK! Magazine:

“She asked me to help get it back. I told her that I would,” Jamie said. Earlier this week, a police report was filed claiming “valuable possessions” were taken from Britney’s house sometime between the time the pop star was admitted to UCLA’s psych ward and the conservatorship papers were signed.

According to the declaration, Jamie and Britney also reached an understanding about who exactly was keeping her in the hospital:

Britney then became upset, claiming “someone was lying to her” about who was keeping her at UCLA. Jamie said, “No, I’m not keeping you here.” A nurse came in to tell Brit that the hospital was keeping her there, not her dad.

Meanwhile, deep in his secret cave, Sam Luf Laden checks his eBay auction. Damn! Still no bids for the bronzed bucket of chicken he stole off Britney’s mantle. C’mon! Where’s a grave to piss on when you need one?

Details of the restraining order against Sam Lutmcgyver have surfaced and it paints a pretty ugly picture of what’s been going down with Britney. Lynne Spears provided most of the information in the document and it contains allegations that Sam was drugging Britney. TMZ reports:

At one point Britney “picked up a bottle of pills and read part of the label and asked us, ‘What does insomnia mean?’ Sam told her that the pills will help her stay awake.” Lynne continues, “Sam told Jackie and me that he grinds up Britney’s pills, which were on the counter and included Risperdal (an anti-psychotic drug for schizophrenia and bipolarity) and Seroquel.” The docs continue, “He told us that the doctor who is treating her now is trying to get her into a sleep-induced coma so that they could then give her drugs to heal her brain.”

After downing the pills, Sam then tried to get Britney to do shots of tequila. He also told Britney that Adnan is gay and later threatened Lynne:

Lynne claims before leaving for the drug store that night, Sam gave her drugs upstairs “to make her more light-hearted, happy, and fun.”
During a dispute later that night, Sam allegedly said, “If you try to get rid of me, she’ll be dead and I’ll piss on her grave.”
Brit said, “Can I see another psychiatrist so I can see my babies?” Sam responded, “If I told you to take 10 pills a day, you should do what I tell you to see your babies.”

This explains so much. First, and most importantly, yes, Sam Lutfi indeed has an unhealthy obsession with urinating on the dead thus validating all my jokes. Second, this could mean that Britney is not bipolar after all. She’s just been on the longest drug binge of her life. You know, not counting her years in the Mickey Mouse Club. Back then it was all about Barbie dolls and pure Colombian snow. I heard Britney mugged a seven dwarf for coke money. Of course, you didn’t read about that one in the papers. And not because I made it up.

Sam Luffernutter isn’t sweating the latest restraining order that Britney’s dad leveled against him. In fact, he shared his thoughts with Us Magazine and, as are his ways, got all over-dramatic about it:

“It won’t last,” he told Usmagazine.com shortly after yesterday’s hearing, during which a court ordered Britney Spears to have no further contact — direct or indirect — with him.
Of Spears parents, Jamie and Lynne, Lutfi added, “They’re never gonna be able to rule her forever.”

And, yay, did Sam of Lufmalutti verily ride his steed into yonder distance and proclaim his devotion to vanquish the elder Spears’ rule and free his fair maiden. Henceforth did The Superficial Writer cease caring and forged a sandwich. And it was of righteous ham and mustard creating a thirst for ale which he drank mightily until a dragon reared his fiery head and request to be drained. But, woe, was The Superficial Writer not ready to break yon seal. Lamentations!