Hulk Hogan is so proud of his son. You know, the one who’s in prison for braining his friend in a drag racing accident on a public highway, not to be confused with the one filming his own reality show Brooke Knows Best. Anyway, Hulk says Nick is becoming a ‘better man” from the experience and is much happier since he moved into the general prison population on his 18th birthday. The dude loves butt rape. What’re ya gonna do? People reports:

“It’s much better,” he says. “Nick describes it as like a two-story warehouse with tables, seven or eight phones, TVs, and it’s people who are there for like child support and parking tickets. And instead of just once in a while being allowed to go outside, they leave the door open to the exercise yard. He said, ‘Dad, I can even go outside at night and look at the stars.’
“He was moving through life and maybe not real appreciative of things,” Hogan says. “When this happened, it totally spun him in a 180. … It’s the best thing that ever happened to him. I’m not saying it’s a good thing. But it happened for a reason.”

Hulk added, “Yup, the best thing ever. Obviously, not counting what happened to his friend. Horrible, horrible thing for, uh, what’s-his-face, to go through. Shit, I should probably remember the kid’s name. Though it’s not like he’s ever going to read this. Am I right? High five! Alright, folks, I’m off to buy a jet with a giant mustache painted on the front. It’s been real.”

Linda Hogan visited Pinellas County Prison yesterday for her son Nick’s 18th birthday. Knowing the TV cameras would be there, Linda brought a gift: A skateboard from, I’m assuming, the nearest Wal-Mart. Really? Wow. Because, ignoring the fact Nick’s legally a man and these people are loaded, he’s sort of in jail where blunt wheeled objects are frowned upon. Though, to Linda’s credit, at least she abandoned her initial gift idea of a puppy with a handgun.

Brooke Hogan really hates her mom. A months-old legal document leaked today that alleges Hulk was physically and verbally abusive to his wife Linda. Brooke signed the statement, but now regrets doing so after she “learned all the facts.” She says her mother pressured into signing the agreement, according to People:

Brooke’s rep says: “Brooke Bollea is distressed at the latest efforts by mother Linda to fracture the family. This time they let leak out an old document that Brooke signed filled with exaggerations and fabrications about father Terry’s behavior during the marriage. The months-old document was signed by Brooke at a time when she was upset with her father.”

Brooke is seriously grossed out by her mom’s 19-year-old boyfriend and the two are not on speaking terms. And to drive that home, Brooke then threw her mom under the bus:

“I love my mother, and hope to one day reconcile with her,” Brooke says. “But using kids as pawns in a divorce is awful. Every day my mother resorts to this kind of behavior makes it that much harder for us to ever have a relationship again.”

You know who I want to throw under a bus? The entire Hogan family. Also, I want the bus to constantly spray napalm, lemon juice and really pissed off wolverines. Just like the one I rode to school everyday until my parents realized, “Wait, school buses don’t play Iron Maiden and get driven by a guy in a bear costume.” Of course, by that time I was in college…

Nick Hogan/Bollea turns 18 on Sunday, and it looks like he’s all set to receive a special birthday corn-holing. Dreams do come true! TMZ reports:

Bollea, who has been housed with other juveniles at Pinellas County Jail, will be moved to an adult facility on Sunday, aka his 18th birthday. It’s an open dormitory type of setting where he’ll be in close contact with other adult inmates. The inmates are either awaiting sentencing or have already been sentenced in cases ranging from misdemeanors to felonies.

If Nick’s lucky, he remembered some wrestling moves his dad taught him. Particularly the “Take a Lot of Roids to Shrink your Nuts” maneuver. That way you can get hit there all day and won’t feel a thing. I don’t exactly know how that’ll prevent the butt sex, but I’ve completely tapped all my interest in Nick’s well being. So, who wants donuts?

Hulk Hogan revealed to People that he still unconditionally loves his ex-wife Linda - even though she filed for divorce and currently has a 19-year-old kid ensnared in her leather vagina. But Hulk still keeps that torch burning and blames the reality for amplifying their problems. In the meantime, he’s been able to fix his relationship with Brooke:

Hogan says his relationship with Brooke, 20, “was strained for a while” after Brooke learned that Hogan had a brief fling with one of her close friends, a woman in her 30s. “Brooke has gone through a range of emotions,” Hogan says. “She was a little confused about who everybody was, and maybe had misinformation, but right now Brooke understands who I am, and who her mom is, and what’s real and not real. She’s doing real well now.”

Smart thinking, Hulk. You can’t have Linda, so you’ve moved on to her clone Brooke. Sure, her skin lacks the texture of beef jerky, but you didn’t build the world’s largest tanning bed for nothing. It may have taken years and they all laughed at you, but soon you’ll be having burnt crispy sex faster than you can say “We’re moving to Arkansas, brotha!”

Brooke Hogan is wisely distancing herself from the PR landmine that is her bleached family. She sat down for an interview in the latest issue of Us Weekly where she talked about no longer speaking to her mom Linda who’s dating a 19-year-old. But Brooke still thinks highly of Hulk and defended him for putting lotion on her bikini ass. However, she remained mum on the moustache buffering that followed:

“I know I’m a grown woman, but it’s like he’s touching an old car,” the singer tells Us Weekly. “He used to change my diaper!”

So that’s it, huh? That’s the secret: changing diapers. Once you change those you have unfettered access to a woman’s nether-regions… Of course! First things first: I need a time machine. Geekologist, stop slathering yourself in fondant and get cracking. In the meantime, I’m going to look up the birth dates of every hot chick I can think of. Anyone know the real names of the Golden Girls?

The Graziano family has released video footage of John Graziano’s daily rehabilitation in the hospital. We’ve all known he’s been in a coma and has a hole in a head, but no one mentioned how freaking huge the hole is. The footage appeared on Nancy Grace midweek with the hole pixelated and, well, uh, I just saw the unpixelated version. It’s goddamn insane and really puts Hulk Hogan’s “God wants John in a coma to make him a better person” comment in a whole other light. A bright, bleached, asinine “Wow, what a dick” light. No wonder the Hulk got death threats from John’s brother. In fact, I’m about to give him a death threat:

Terry… you cocksucka… I will pee in your moustache… all your money won’t help you now… unless you buy a moustache shield… um… sucker of cocks, Luke, I’m your father.

Go easy on me. It’s my first time.

WARNING: Uncensored video after the jump contains disturbing images unless you’re the sort of person who finds gaping head wounds divine.

Thanks to The Builder for the tip. I hope those permits come through.

John Graziano’s brother Frank has allegedly been leaving Hulk Hogan threatening messages since his appearance on Larry King Live, according to TMZ:

The voicemail threats made against Hulk Hogan and his family — calling them “whores” and threatening to “piss on you and your family’s grave” — have been released.
Clearwater PD tells TMZ there is an “open investigation” into the calls.

The messages were played on Bubba the Love Sponge’s (?) radio show this morning and they’re beyond pathetic. It’s basically some assclown who’s seen way too many episodes of The Sopranos. The Hulk said some asinine shit, but he deserves a believable death threat that doesn’t make me laugh then suddenly crave a meatball sub. I’m talking a dead fish in his mailbox. Or shaving off his moustache in his sleep. I hope you’re writing these gems down, Frank Graziano, and not just polishing your pinky ring with a slice a da pizza.

EDIT: Uncensored and NSFW version of the messages here. Not safe for the kiddies either unless you want to explain why Darth Vader keeps saying “cocksucker.”

Hulk Hogan is really regretting that deal with Satan to get his own reality show. After looking like a jackass on Larry King Live, Hulk’s ex-wife Linda is now trying to get him thrown in jail for not paying for half of their Las Vegas condo per their divorce settlement, according to the Orlando Sentinel:

The estranged wife of former wrestler Hulk Hogan has asked a judge to cite him for allegedly not paying his share of a $4.2 million Las Vegas condo.
Linda Bollea wants Hogan, whose real name is Terry Bollea, to be held in contempt and jailed. A court order requires them to share the purchase of the condo at The Palms hotel and spa.

Oh, those wacky Hogans. I bet these people spend Christmas morning stabbing each other with used drug needles. Then it’s off to the tanning salon for a quiet afternoon of bleach, egg nog and widespread melanoma. Fa la la la!

Brooke Hogan (above with boyfriend Whitey WhitePants) has confirmed that her mom Linda is dating 19-year-old Charley Hill. Hulk also confirmed it on Larry King Live. In a surprise moment of sanity from the Peroxide Bunch, Brooke is really not that thrilled with the news. Especially since she went to school with Charley. These people are amazing. E! Online reports:

“I’m totally freaked out,” she told E! satellite radio personality Michael Yo during a conversation the two had off air.
“I personally don’t like it at all or condone it, but she’s my mom, so I have to show her support.
“I went to school with him. He was a grade under me…Me and Nick know him well. Me and Nick are two years apart, and he was right between us (in school).”

While Linda’s new boyfriend is a disturbing series of events to complement Hulk dating a chick that looks like Brooke, it’s still not the weirdest thing to happen to her. She’ll always remember the time Andre the Giant buried a body under her swingset when she was five. Then she found her birth certificate which, for some reason, listed Frank Arnold Hogan as the name. This explained the penis…

Oh, man, those crazy Hogans have done it again! This time Hulk stopped by Larry King Live last night for an emotional interview about his son Nick’s imprisonment. At the end of the interview, a teary-eyed Hulk remained positive that Nick’s accident happened for a divine reason and then expressed his belief that John Graziano’s coma would make him “a better person.” Here’s the excerpt from the transcript on CNN.com:

KING: It is OK. This is hard. Who could ever imagine.
HOGAN: It is the main focus is my son, my children and John Graziano. It has been a tough one, Larry. You know, you said to me during the break, this is the second part of the dance. So it is halftime and we’re positive. We’re moving forward.
KING: You believe in god.
HOGAN: Yes, I do.
KING: Do you believe in the second act? Do you believe in forgiveness?
HOGAN: Like I said, this is in God’s hand. Things happen for a reason. This is to make Nick a better person. In my belief, this is to make John a better person. It is like I said before, you know, it is god’s will where we’re at with this situation. I refuse to accept any negativity, any nay sayers. I firmly believe there is a plan. It is god’s plan and god’s will.

WOW! Because nothing improves your outlook on life than a coma you’ll never wake up from. Damn, these people will blame anyone but themselves. I’m looking forward to Linda Hogan appearing on The View where she’ll point the finger at, of course, John Graziano along with Satan and “the rat-bastard who invented the wheel.” Her son’s a driver of vehicles - How could you?!

NOTE: Video after the jump. Hulk citing lifelong paralysis as a self-help plan around the 2:50 mark.

A Florida judge has ruled that Nick Hogan will remain segregated from other inmates while serving his 8-month sentence after he pleaded no contest to a crash that left his friend John Graziano in a coma. The AP reports:

A judge on Tuesday denied Nick Bollea’s request to change the conditions of his jail sentence because solitary confinement is causing him “unbearable anxiety.”
Officials say he is segregated from other inmates in the county jail in Clearwater because he is a minor, even though he was convicted in adult court.

So, in legal terms, Nick’s lawyers claimed he’s suffering from “unbearable anxiety” to which the judge responded, “How bout he grow a pair?” God willing, this ruling has set a legal precedent for all future cases of bitch-assing.

Linda Hogan decided to one-up the Hulk by dating someone who not only looks like her child - but is practically the same age. In your face, brotha! Linda brought her suitor, 19-year-old Charlie, to the opening of the Palm Place Spa & Hotel where the Simpsons were also partying. Apparently, it was “Dysfunctional Celebrity Families Teetering towards Irrelevancy Night.” TMZ reports:

Charlie told us they are just friends — because friends are typically all over each other at the Palms.
Of course classy Linda made sure Charlie-poo had a drink.

Charlie does sort of look like a long-haired Nick Hogan. If you close your eyes and pretend, which Linda is all over. That said, I wonder if it’s awkward when she comes to visit Charlie at his house. You know, because his mom makes him keep the bedroom door open. Which, as a mother, Linda agrees with but doesn’t think that’s an excuse not to dry hump oh God I puked in my mouth. Napkin!

Video of Linda and Charlie grinding at the Palms after the jump.

Brooke Hogan was involved in a car accident Sunday on the Bayside Bridge in Florida. TMZ has a copy of the police report while I have a danish:

According to the report, the other car collided with Brooke’s, pushing her into the left concrete barrier wall. Brooke’s car came to rest on the left shoulder, while the other car went back across the bridge and came to rest on the right shoulder. The report indicates that, according to witnesses, the other car was speeding. Florida Highway Patrol reps tell TMZ Brooke was not at fault.

Brooke then went straight home from the scene and, like any good East German shot-putter, blogged on her MySpace profile, according to TMZ. She thanked her brother Nick and the kid he put in a coma for reminding her to wear a seatbelt. Nice! But then she took it down. Aww. Brooke’s probably just embarrassed that her passenger isn’t a vegetable which makes me wish Congress would start cracking down on sibling rivalry. But after I pants my brother at his own wedding next week.

After his son Nick was sentenced to eight months in prison on Friday, Hulk Hogan needed the soft, soothing relief of nature’s own antidepressant: mammaries. He gathered up some wrestling buddies on Saturday and retreated to the holy sanctuary of Hooters, according to TMZ:

Hulk Hogan drowned his sorrows in chicken wings at a local Hooters restaurant in Tampa, Florida today. Sources tell TMZ that the wrestling star was accompanied by close friend and former WWF wrestler Brian Knobbs of the Nasty Boys, wrestling manager Jimmy Hart and other family friends. The group dined on wings, beer and salad.

Is there anything that breasts can’t heal? No, really, I’m seriously asking. I lost at online Mario Kart to The Geekologie Writer* and kind of whipped my Wii Wheel at the wall which ricocheted into my melon. I think, if I see a nipple, I should pull through. Or even just some areola. Also, time is a factor. There’s a dude here with a black robe and sickle who says he’s in a rush.

*I hate you and put the HIV in your coffee. Happy Monday!

Brooke Hogan continues to spend her days in a bikini, but this time she was joined by her dad and his new girlfriend who, creepily, looks like Brooke. For those keeping score at home: Hulk’s girlfriend has the back tattoo and her bikini doesn’t tie in the back. Brooke has the sunglasses, her bikini ties in the back and she also has HER FATHER’S HAND ON HER ASS! WHAT THE SUPER FUCK?! If my daughter asked me to put suntan lotion on her bikini-clad ass, I’d say “Sure, honey. First, let me just put on my beekeeper’s outfit, knight’s armor, and some rubber gloves. In the meantime, could you be so kind to distract the lifeguard while daddy dives into the deep-end of the pool and, God willing, drowns? Aw, you’re a peach.”

Brooke Hogan continues to spend her days in a bikini, but this time she was joined by her dad and his new girlfriend who, creepily, looks like Brooke. For those keeping score at home: Hulk’s girlfriend has the back tattoo and her bikini doesn’t tie in the back. Brooke has the sunglasses, her bikini ties in the back and she also has HER FATHER’S HAND ON HER ASS! WHAT THE SUPER FUCK?! If my daughter asked me to put suntan lotion on her bikini-clad ass, I’d say “Sure, honey. First, let me just put on my beekeeper’s outfit, knight’s armor, and some rubber gloves. In the meantime, could you be so kind to distract the lifeguard while daddy dives into the deep-end of the pool and, God willing, drowns? Aw, you’re a peach.”

Hulk Hogan took his new girlfriend Jennifer McDaniel to Miami beach for some R&R. You may remember her from last week when everyone thought she was Brooke Hogan. However, without her make-up on she looks more like Meryl Streep’s twin sister - who loves steroids. But the Hulk takes what the Hulk can get. I mean, seriously, I could make a leather couch out of his skin. Do you think his moustache could hold a beer can? Actually, that’s pretty insulting. It could hold a case.

Hulk Hogan was spotted last night in Hollywood with a young man-chinned woman with implants. Naturally, everyone thought it was Brooke. But it was the Hulkster’s date. Yikes! It’s an honest mistake really. I mean, If it looks like a duck and has fake tits like a duck, it’s probably a duck that looks like your daughter and you should seek therapy TODAY.

Video of the paps mistaking Hulk’s date for Brooke after the jump.

The lawsuit everyone knew was coming was filed yesterday. The Hogans are being sued by the family of John Graziano the young Marine who remains in a coma after being injured in a car crash. John was riding in the the Toyota Supra that Nick Hogan managed to turn into a crushed banana with the help of a tree. And, also, oh I dunno, some booze. The St. Petersburg Times reports:

The suit will seek damages in the millions, said attorney George Tragos, but the exact amount is not known because it remains unclear how expensive Graziano’s care will be. Tragos said the former Marine’s medical bills already exceed $1 million.

Just how injured is John Graziano? Let’s say it’s somewhere between super fucked up and Jesus Christ, they took part of your brain!:

Lawyers today said that a portion of Graziano’s frontal lobe had to be removed because of the crash. He is in a “semi-conscious” state and responds to certain stimuli like heat and touch, lawyers said.

The suit is definitely pointing out well-known facts that Linda Hogan encouraged her son Nick’s reckless driving. And that Hulk also owned the other car that Nick was racing with before he crashed. The driver of that car is also named in the suit. Coincidentally, lawyers also filed a motion that Brooke Hogan should wash my car in a bikini. Or at least they will if they know what’s good for them. *waves donut threateningly* That’s right, son, jelly: The deadliest of the donu - wait, my bad. It’s only peanut butter. Goddammit…