Nikki Blonksy’s father Carl was allowed to post bail yesterday due to a medical condition. He can’t leave the Turks and Caicos island until his trial for beating the ever living crap out of Elaine Golden the mother of America’s Next Top Model contestant, Bianca Golden. In case you forgot what grievous sin Elaine committed to deserve a trip to the ICU, she moved Carl’s luggage. Harpie! ET Online reports:

A police constable tells us that Carl, who’s been locked up in a Turks and Caicos islands jail for over a week, was freed after posting $3000 bail awarded to him by the Chief Justice on Monday morning. Regardless, he must remain on the island and his travel documents are in police custody.
He’s due to appear in court on August 19 at 9:00 a.m.

You know what’d be hilarious? As part of Carl’s sentence he’s banned from the airport effectively trapping him on the island. Of course, he could always use Nikki as a flotation device to aid his return to the homeland. Always look for that silver lining, folks. Even if it’s made of Ben & Jerry’s.

Hulk Hogan is so proud of his son. You know, the one who’s in prison for braining his friend in a drag racing accident on a public highway, not to be confused with the one filming his own reality show Brooke Knows Best. Anyway, Hulk says Nick is becoming a ‘better man” from the experience and is much happier since he moved into the general prison population on his 18th birthday. The dude loves butt rape. What’re ya gonna do? People reports:

“It’s much better,” he says. “Nick describes it as like a two-story warehouse with tables, seven or eight phones, TVs, and it’s people who are there for like child support and parking tickets. And instead of just once in a while being allowed to go outside, they leave the door open to the exercise yard. He said, ‘Dad, I can even go outside at night and look at the stars.’
“He was moving through life and maybe not real appreciative of things,” Hogan says. “When this happened, it totally spun him in a 180. … It’s the best thing that ever happened to him. I’m not saying it’s a good thing. But it happened for a reason.”

Hulk added, “Yup, the best thing ever. Obviously, not counting what happened to his friend. Horrible, horrible thing for, uh, what’s-his-face, to go through. Shit, I should probably remember the kid’s name. Though it’s not like he’s ever going to read this. Am I right? High five! Alright, folks, I’m off to buy a jet with a giant mustache painted on the front. It’s been real.”

Brooke Hogan, like any big brother, is concerned about the well-being of her little brother Nick. She spoke to People about Nick’s poor fragile spirit that has me convinced he pees sitting down:

“They had broken his spirit,” Brooke Hogan, 20, tells PEOPLE. “When they put him in solitary, he was on the outs. I was worried about him, and his safety, and his well-being.”
“We get to visit him three times a week like everybody else, but it sucks,” she says. “I can’t just walk over to his room and give him a hug, or talk to him, or confide in him. … At least he’s not locked in hell, basically. And his personality is slowly coming back. I bring that out of him.”

“His personality is coming back. I bring that out of him.” Christ, this family is jam-packed with ego. Seriously, there’s a simple explanation to all this: Nick is surrounded by dudes 24/7 and has long given up any inhibitions about staring at his sister’s rack. I mean, it’s technically not incest if they were put there by science. That’s in The Bible.

Linda Hogan visited Pinellas County Prison yesterday for her son Nick’s 18th birthday. Knowing the TV cameras would be there, Linda brought a gift: A skateboard from, I’m assuming, the nearest Wal-Mart. Really? Wow. Because, ignoring the fact Nick’s legally a man and these people are loaded, he’s sort of in jail where blunt wheeled objects are frowned upon. Though, to Linda’s credit, at least she abandoned her initial gift idea of a puppy with a handgun.

Nick Hogan/Bollea turns 18 on Sunday, and it looks like he’s all set to receive a special birthday corn-holing. Dreams do come true! TMZ reports:

Bollea, who has been housed with other juveniles at Pinellas County Jail, will be moved to an adult facility on Sunday, aka his 18th birthday. It’s an open dormitory type of setting where he’ll be in close contact with other adult inmates. The inmates are either awaiting sentencing or have already been sentenced in cases ranging from misdemeanors to felonies.

If Nick’s lucky, he remembered some wrestling moves his dad taught him. Particularly the “Take a Lot of Roids to Shrink your Nuts” maneuver. That way you can get hit there all day and won’t feel a thing. I don’t exactly know how that’ll prevent the butt sex, but I’ve completely tapped all my interest in Nick’s well being. So, who wants donuts?

If Khloe Kardashian has a publicist, and we live in a cruel enough world for that to be true, he/she no doubt had a coronary after Khloe decided to talk to Ryan Seacrest about her excruciating three hours dealing with the legal system. Khloe cited the four year anniversary of the death her father, O.J. Simpson lawyer Robert Kardashian, as the reason for her drinking that led to the DUI arrest. Only to say he’s still looking out for her and pulling heavenly strings to keep her out of jail. Ha ha ha I want these people to get the Ebola virus. E! News reports:

“As soon as I got to Lynwood, there were three bomb threats…The warden came down to talk to me, and he was saying, ‘You’re the one causing all the problems here.’ And I’m like, ‘Ugh, I don’t need any more problems.’ And he’s like, ‘There’s all these bomb threats, and we’re thinking it’s for you.’
“But because of all these things, it’s a blessing, and I was actually released early because I was a threat to the prison.”
That, and, the correctional facility would no doubt like it pointed out, because of the perpetual overcrowding of the jail system. Still, Kardashian’s brief sojourn to the pokey paid off in sheer lessons learned.
“Honestly, I would never do it again…It’s just not worth it…It’s so much time.”

It’s so much time? THREE FUCKING HOURS?! Seriously, you sat and watched Batman which was just 30 minutes shy of the time you spent in jail. It’s moments like this I wish elephant hunting wasn’t illegal. Then again the odds of me going to jail are apparently slim. Somebody fetch my rifle and ivory saw. I don’t see any tusks in this photograph, but that could be from all the jowl.

UPDATE: TMZ just pissed in Khloe’s corn flakes: She cites the anniversary of her father’s death as the reason for her DUI when arrested on March 4. Except Robert Kardashian died on September 30. FTW? I almost felt bad about equating Khloe with a pachyderm. Now I wish I went with sperm whale. Next time, Khloe. Next time…

If Khloe Kardashian has a publicist, and we live in a cruel enough world for that to be true, he/she no doubt had a coronary after Khloe decided to talk to Ryan Seacrest about her excruciating three hours dealing with the legal system. Khloe cited the four year anniversary of the death her father, O.J. Simpson lawyer Robert Kardashian, as the reason for her drinking that led to the DUI arrest. Only to say he’s still looking out for her and pulling heavenly strings to keep her out of jail. Ha ha ha I want these people to get the Ebola virus. E! News reports:

“As soon as I got to Lynwood, there were three bomb threats…The warden came down to talk to me, and he was saying, ‘You’re the one causing all the problems here.’ And I’m like, ‘Ugh, I don’t need any more problems.’ And he’s like, ‘There’s all these bomb threats, and we’re thinking it’s for you.’
“But because of all these things, it’s a blessing, and I was actually released early because I was a threat to the prison.”
That, and, the correctional facility would no doubt like it pointed out, because of the perpetual overcrowding of the jail system. Still, Kardashian’s brief sojourn to the pokey paid off in sheer lessons learned.
“Honestly, I would never do it again…It’s just not worth it…It’s so much time.”

It’s so much time? THREE FUCKING HOURS?! Seriously, you sat and watched Batman which was just 30 minutes shy of the time you spent in jail. It’s moments like this I wish elephant hunting wasn’t illegal. Then again the odds of me going to jail are apparently slim. Somebody fetch my rifle and ivory saw. I don’t see any tusks in this photograph, but that could be from all the jowl.

Amy Winehouse’s husband Blake Fielder-Civil was sentenced to 27 months in prison today for bribing a pub owner he assaulted and then attempted to bribe to shut him up, according to the Daily Mail:

Judge David Radford told Fielder-Civil he had behaved in a ‘gratuitous, cowardly and disgraceful’ way.
Fielder-Civil has already served around nine months on remand and he could be free in four-and-a-half months if he behaves himself in prison. Miss Winehouse was not in court today to support her husband.
Earlier, Fielder-Civil appealed to a judge to let him walk free so he could become a role model for the troubled singer.

HA! Amy Winehouse’s husband wants to be her role model? Jesus, I know crazy people on the street who’d be better role models. Mostly they’d teach Amy about the government listening in on our sandwiches, but you gotta admit, that’d be a huge step up.

Khloe Kardashian checked out The Dark Knight at The Grove Saturday and enjoyed the general bliss that comes from ducking 30 days in jail for DUI. I can tell by the remorseful look on her face, Khloe’s learned a lesson: Kardashians make the law their bitch. Well, I’ll show them. I’m going to get blitzed off my face then drive around their neighborhood. Yeah, this plan is genius. *starts chugging*

UPDATE: Dude, Geekologist, I’m telling you this plan will totally teach these people a lesson. What people? I dunno, somebody. I wrote it down on a napkin. Huh? I didn’t puke on my shirt. You puked on your shirt. At your mom’s house - with Chevy Chase riding a lawnmower. BURN!

UPDATE: Yum yum yummy I’ve got Jager in my tummy, yum yum I’m feeling like nachos.

UPDATE: Stop the press, who is that? This, this tree of a woman. A mighty red oak of breasts and timber thighs. I would totally hit tha- SHIT NUTS! I looked at her face. *shakes head* Hey, I’m absolutely 100% sober. How’d that happen? And why is there a tongue print on my monitor in front of Khloe Kardashian? As God as my witness, I am never drinking again.

UPDATE: Wait, I’m an atheist. To the Beer Cave! *crawls under desk*

Khloe Kardashian reported to the Van Nuys Courthouse to begin serving her jail sentence for violating a probation agreement from her 2007 DUI. And, aww, look, she brought the whole family. Because getting O.J. off the hook wasn’t a big enough mockery of the legal system for the Kardashians.

At any rate, let’s start taking bids on when she gets out. Nicole Richie and Lindsay Lohan both served just north of 80 minutes, but Khloe’s not exactly that caliber of celebrity. However, she does require those giant space cuffs used on Chewbacca in Star Wars, so it’s anyone’s guess really.

EDIT: Added Kim on Jimmy Kimmel last night talking about Khloe’s legal predicament after the jump. Thanks to JMack. You’re a freakin’ knight.

UPDATE: Khloe’s out! Time served: 173 minutes, according to TMZ, which means she’s almost exactly 50% less popular than Nicole Richie and Lindsay Lohan while still 50% taller than most women, Sasquatches and NBA guards.

Khloe Kardashian reported to the Van Nuys Courthouse to begin serving her jail sentence for violating a probation agreement from her 2007 DUI. And, aww, look, she brought the whole family. Because getting O.J. off the hook wasn’t a big enough mockery of the legal system for the Kardashians.

At any rate, let’s start taking bids on when she gets out. Nicole Richie and Lindsay Lohan both served just north of 80 minutes, but Khloe’s not exactly that caliber of celebrity. However, she does require those giant space cuffs used on Chewbacca in Star Wars, so it’s anyone’s guess really.

EDIT: Added Kim on Jimmy Kimmel last night talking about Khloe’s legal predicament after the jump. Thanks to JMack. You’re a freakin’ knight.

Khloe Kardashian (Swamp Thing above who really shouldn’t be photographed next to Kourtney) apparently was picked up for DUI last year but managed to keep it out of the press. That is until she decided not to do any of her community service or enroll in alcohol education classes. Wow, that plan had everything. Khloe’s stupidity has landed her three days in jail starting no later than Friday and, not surprisingly, she couldn’t care less. People reports:

Over the weekend, Kardashian showed no obvious signs of worry about her upcoming jail term, as she attended a party at the Project Beach House in Malibu with her mother and sister Kourtney.
“Khloe actually looked great, really relaxed and having a good time,” says a partygoer at Sunday’s Lia Sophia Clambake. “[She] didn’t look like she had a care in the world and even got a massage.”

All Khloe had to do was pick up some trash along the highway and watch a video about the dangers of drunk driving. Of course, that’d probably be harder than the five minutes she’ll spend in jail. Provided she even makes it that far. Khloe’s sentence was already reduced from 30 days to three days within a matter of hours, so I imagine by tomorrow she’ll get a Bath & Body Works gift basket from the sheriff’s department with a note reading: “You be a good girl now.” If I actually paid my taxes, this is the sort of thing that would cause me to drink - then inevitably drive because, shit, they’re giving out hand soap!

Stephanie Ragusa, a Florida teacher currently in jail for having sex with three minors, wrote Nick Hogan/Bollea a letter of support that was intercepted by authorities. She felt her and Nick were suffering similar circumstances which prompted her to reach out to Hulk’s son. And maybe touch his wiener. The AP reports:

The letter was intercepted by Pinellas County sheriff’s deputies after they recognized Ragusa’s name, the jail’s return address and her docket number on the envelope, authorities said. Bollea, who is serving an eight-month sentence on a charge of reckless driving with serious bodily injury, was later given a copy of the letter.
Ragusa, 29, is facing charges of lewd or lascivious battery and unlawful sexual activity with a minor.

In the letter, Stephanie also invited Nick for a “private tutoring session.” To which Nick replied, “Sounds rad. Then afterwards we can go for a drive! P.S. Bring beer.”

Nick Hogan was transferred out of solitary yesterday and moved into a cell with three other juvenile roommates. For the record, the decision was not made because of Nick’s lawyers bitching to get him out on Tuesday, but because of routine assessment of inmates’ living situations, according to the AP:

Pinellas County Sheriff’s Office spokeswoman Cecilia Barreda says housing assignments are routinely reviewed because the jail’s population constantly changes. That created an opportunity to house juveniles together.

I guess someone’s missing his fortress of masturbation-tude now. Oh, you don’t know what you’ve got, till it’s gone. But, in all seriousness, Nick’s very happy now. I hear there’s nothing quite like spooning at shiv point. It’s breathtaking almost.

A Florida judge has ruled that Nick Hogan will remain segregated from other inmates while serving his 8-month sentence after he pleaded no contest to a crash that left his friend John Graziano in a coma. The AP reports:

A judge on Tuesday denied Nick Bollea’s request to change the conditions of his jail sentence because solitary confinement is causing him “unbearable anxiety.”
Officials say he is segregated from other inmates in the county jail in Clearwater because he is a minor, even though he was convicted in adult court.

So, in legal terms, Nick’s lawyers claimed he’s suffering from “unbearable anxiety” to which the judge responded, “How bout he grow a pair?” God willing, this ruling has set a legal precedent for all future cases of bitch-assing.

Nick Hogan-Bollea’s lawyers filed a response to the civil lawsuit filed by John Graziano’s family. John was the passenger in Nick’s car when it crashed and is now in a coma. But according to Nick’s lawyer, John Graziano is also Satan himself. Okay, maybe they don’t go that far, but they literally blame John Graziano for the entire accident and claim Nick did nothing wrong. Except, maybe got drunk and drag-raced. But, what’s this? John gave him the beer?! You don’t say. TMZ reports:

We’ve obtained his response to the civil lawsuit that John’s family filed against the Hogans, and it’s outrageous: Nick blames virtually every person on the planet — including John himself and Daniel Jacobs, the guy whom he drag-raced to cause the crash in the first place — but doesn’t take a shred of responsibility of his own.
Let’s just list the ways that Nick says John put himself in danger: Not wearing a seatbelt, not getting out of the car, getting into the car in the first place.

If you take a look at the response, I’m surprised there’s not a paragraph stating that John Graziano secretly harbored a dream to be in a coma by his early 20’s. Jesus. Anyway, while his mom is out dating his long-haired doppleganger, Nick is apparently sitting in solitary confinement because he’s a minor and must be separated from the other inmates, according to People:

Bollea, 17, spends 16 to 17 hours a day in a maximum security cell in a Florida jail where his food is delivered through a slot in the door, his attorneys said in a court filing seeking a transfer to monitored home confinement or the minimum-security area.

Okay, that does sound a bit harsh. I think some sort of compromise can he made here. Hmm, let’s see. Ooh, got it: Nick Hogan can get out of solitary - as soon as John Graziano wakes up and lets him out.

After his son Nick was sentenced to eight months in prison on Friday, Hulk Hogan needed the soft, soothing relief of nature’s own antidepressant: mammaries. He gathered up some wrestling buddies on Saturday and retreated to the holy sanctuary of Hooters, according to TMZ:

Hulk Hogan drowned his sorrows in chicken wings at a local Hooters restaurant in Tampa, Florida today. Sources tell TMZ that the wrestling star was accompanied by close friend and former WWF wrestler Brian Knobbs of the Nasty Boys, wrestling manager Jimmy Hart and other family friends. The group dined on wings, beer and salad.

Is there anything that breasts can’t heal? No, really, I’m seriously asking. I lost at online Mario Kart to The Geekologie Writer* and kind of whipped my Wii Wheel at the wall which ricocheted into my melon. I think, if I see a nipple, I should pull through. Or even just some areola. Also, time is a factor. There’s a dude here with a black robe and sickle who says he’s in a rush.

*I hate you and put the HIV in your coffee. Happy Monday!

Nick Bollea (a.k.a. Nick Hogan) was sentenced to eight months in Florida County Jail today after pleading no contest to charges of felony reckless driving. Wow, a book finally got thrown at a celeb that deserved it. Check out the details from People:

In addition to the jail time, which begins immediately, Bollea, 17, was sentenced to 5 years probation, during which he will serve 500 hours of community service, not be allowed to drink any alcohol and have his driver’s license revoked for 3 years.
“I think there is an understanding of what happened, and there is a sense of acceptance of responsibility,” the judge said, explaining his decision. “There is nothing that the court can impose that is close to what John has dealt with or will have to deal with as he moves forward.”
Leaving the courthouse, Bollea’s family did not address reporters. His attorneys did say that Bollea was “happy” with the sentence, and happy that the case was finished.

All I have to say is, Brooke, if you need any comforting, I’m here for you. Back massage, dip in the hot tub, erotic Parcheesi, you name it. I’m here for you like a rock. A strong rock with rock pecs, biceps and rocky good looks carved from, well, rocks. But moving on, I know it must be tough thinking your dad’s money would save your brother, but these things happen. So, please, don’t hesitate to call - or even put on a bikini and drive to my house. You know, to start the healing process. It’s all about the healing.

Wesley Snipes pretty much decided in 1999 that he’s not going to pay taxes anymore. Considering he was, at the time not so much now, a major movie star the government kind of noticed that he wasn’t paying them a nice chunk of change. Eight years later, hello, welcome to your three prison sentence. Though some are actually calling the trial a victory for Wesley Snipes because he ducked five of the eight charges including felony tax fraud and conspiracy. Wesley, however, made a last minute move to appease the government by cutting them a check for $5 million. It, uh, didn’t work. The AP reports:

So taken aback were prosecutors that they first declined the cash. But by the end of the day, the government took the money and more — a maximum three-year sentence for its highest-profile criminal tax target in decades.
“The sentencing court sends the right message to the American taxpayer — you’ve got to pay your taxes,” U.S. Attorney Robert O’Neill told reporters outside the usually quiet central Florida courthouse. “Rich, poor, it doesn’t matter. We all pay our taxes.”

Even stranger is the fact that, afterwards, Wesley Snipes was actually smiling outside the courthouse and flashing the peace sign. Somebody needs to explain to Blade that he’s going to jail where his fellow inmates will pretend his ass is a vampire and you guys can do the math on what they’ll use for a wooden stake. Answer key at the bottom. Please show your work.

Answer Key: X = The square root of a whole lotta butt sex.

Girls Gone Wild creator Joe Francis has settled his legal matters in Florida and is finally a free man. The boobies-obsessed Wunderkind will be back in Los Angeles sometime tonight, according to TMZ:

Francis has plead no contest to the charges of filming underage girls, and has been sentenced to time served. He will be on six months’ “non-reporting” probation, and “Girls Gone Wild” can’t film in the area for three years. Bay County, we’re told, will return Joe’s brand new Ferrari, and $60,000 that they confiscated from him last year.

The Superficial would like to celebrate Joe Francis: Pioneer, Grade A Asshole, and World Traveler. I like to believe him and I are cut from the same cloth. Except mine is made from old Star Wars sheets and Joe Francis’ is made from fine silk, gold and the pubic hair of drunk busty virgins God I hate him so much.