It turns out Lynne Spears did not send Bristol Palin $60 pink burpcloths on behalf of Jamie Lynn. I don’t see why Lynne bothered denying the report because even a cynical bastard like myself thought it was a nice gesture. Until I remembered I have a penis then went around punching everyone within eyesight in the face. TOUGH GUY! E! News reports:

“I just got off the phone with Lynne. I can tell you that she hasn’t sent her any gifts, but that she does support Sarah and, of course, can empathize with their situation,” Curt Handling, Spears’ publicist at the Thomas Nelson publishing company, tells E! News.

It’s a damn shame. No fancy burpcloths for America’s favorite politically-polarizing pregnant teen. I guess Bristol Palin will have to wipe her baby’s spit the old fashioned way: With moose antlers or the hull of an oil tanker.

Nobody knows more than Jamie Lynn Spears about being a teenager in the public spotlight while you’re carrying the child of your retarded redneck lover. In an act of support, Jamie Lynn sent a baby gift to Bristol Palin the pregnant 17-year-old daughter of Alaska Governor Sarah Palin. CelebTV.com reports:

A source close to the Beverly Hills baby store Petit Tresor tells CelebTV.com exclusively that a gift from Plain Mary was sent to Bristol Palin on behalf of Jamie Lynn Spears.
An insider says it was actually Lynne Spears, Jamie Lynn’s mom, who called about the gift, and requested the gift come from her daughter.
“It was ordered by phone, and they asked what could be done for under $100. They spent $60 on pink burpcloths,” said the source.

Meanwhile, John McCain’s campaign manager just realized they’ve been endorsed by the Spears’ family. He was last seen shoving a live grenade in his mouth.

Jamie Lynn Spears’ boyfriend Casey Aldridge is claiming he never had sex with 28-year-old Kelli Dawson while Jamie Lynn was pregnant. Kelli claims her and Casey were hooking up until March of this year. While her story lacks credibility simply because they’re not kin, Casey also says Kelli is looking for some easy money, according to TMZ:

As for the picture of Casey with Kelli Dawson (the Sienna Miller of the South), he claims it was taken before he even hooked up with J.L.
Casey has called the Spears clan to vent and they believe his story…. Casey says it’s all about Southern Sienna trying to make a buck.

It should be noted the Spears family is extremely gullible. Here’s a brief rundown of some of the bullshit they’ve swallowed over the past year:

Casey to Jamie Lynn: “Don’t worry, baby. I’m sterile.”
Jamie Lynn to Spears family: “Casey is definitely the father.”
Britney to Jamie Lynn: “I’ll never put your baby on a bun and try to eat her.”

Casey Aldridge, the father of Jamie Lynn Spears’ daughter Maddie, was reportedly sleeping with another woman while Jamie Lynn was pregnant. His mistress was 28-year-old Kelli Dawson (above) and I can see the attraction. Who doesn’t love a weary-looking southern belle with a scowl that could peel paint off a barn? I can almost smell her sweet Marlboro breath from here. Ahh! InTouch reports:

“The pair didn’t bother to hide their relationship.“ Kelli and Casey have been a couple on and off for a few years,” confirms Jason Alexander, Britney Spears’ first husband and a native of nearby Kentwood, La. “They were a really tight couple, but I think it was hard for Kelli, having Jamie Lynn in the picture.”
Kelli says she and Casey stopped sleeping together a few months before Jamie Lynn gave birth to their daughter, Maddie. “It just didn’t feel right,” she explains. “He had to deal with the baby coming, and it had to stop.” She says the last time the couple had sex together was in March but “even after we stopped having sex, we would still kiss occasionally.”

Fortunately, Kelli had the decency not to sell their story to a tabloid. Oh, right. Well, I’m sure she needed the money for college. Ha ha ha! No, seriously, have fun at the Toby Keith concert.

Lynne Spears new book Through the Storm: A Real Story of Fame and Family in a Tabloid World will hit bookshelves next month and it appears ol’ Lynne is cashing in her kids’ lives. The book includes chapters on Britney’s meltdown and Jamie Lynn’s teenage pregnancy. Without these tests of inner strength, Lynne might not have had the fortitude to write this book and totally pay off her Mercedes. E! Online reports:

“The stories Lynne shares reveal the heart of a mother who struggles to keep faith at the center of her life through its many unexpected twists and serendipitous turns,” the prereview states. The book retails for $24.99.
According to BreatheHeavy, a Britney fansite, the publisher says the book sheds light on much more, even touching on Britney’s breakdown, Jamie Lynn’s pregnancy and the infamous Sam Lutfi.

The Superficial has obtained an advanced copy of the book and would like to present its readers with an exclusive excerpt from the Sam Lutfi chapter. Through the Storm on bookshelves Sept. 16:

IX. Douchebeard at the Helm

We made love in the garage, and to this day, I never knew if Britney saw the whole thing. I didn’t even notice her there until she tried to butter her toast with the hedge clippers. Fortunately, no one got hurt except for the bodyguard she stabbed to death. His family asked a lot of questions. I mean, geez, get over it already.

These are the first pics of Jamie Lynn Spears in public after giving birth to daughter Maddie Brianne. Just to be clear, I don’t want this post encouraging young readers to consider teenage pregnancy because your body apparently snaps right back into shape like nothing ever happened. So, that being said, GOOD GOD!

Jamie Lynn Spears will wed Casey Aldridge, the father of baby Maddie Briann (open to debate), this fall and reportedly host the ceremony in her own backyard. Britney will be the maid of honor as part of her final test to prove she has the mental fortitude to not hump a cake. OK! Magazine reports:

“She loves everything about the area where she lives. She’s not going to get married at some luxury resort in the Caribbean or a hotel in Beverly Hills,” a friend of the bride-to-be tells OK!. “Her own backyard with just the people who matter most is more Jamie Lynn’s style.”
And with the wedding approaching quickly, Jamie Lynn is planning to look her best on the big day. “She’s already down to her pre-pregnancy weight,” says the friend. “She has the cutest figure!”

There’s nothing like seeing a young couple on their way to NRA membership and NASCAR-induced domestic violence. It’s like a Disney movie waiting to be made!

Nicole Kidman and Keith Urban have quietly thumbed their noses at celebs brokering baby photo deals. Probably not a smart move because I’m pretty sure Angelina Jolie could take Nicole in a fight. In fact, in the sake of research, I’m going to imagine such a battle right now. “Pow! BAM! Ziff! Use the battering ram, Nicole!” While I’m performing my journalistic duties, scope out what a friend of Nicole’s told the Sydney Morning Herald. “BOFF! Eek! Ease up, Angelina. She’s Australian!”:

“They don’t think it’s appropriate to make deals. They are still deciding how they feel about - if and when they will release a photo at all. But they realise there is enormous interest from the public and they are grateful and appreciative of that,” the source said.

Damn, if they’re just giving them away, I’ll get in on that. Give me two 8 x 10s and some wallets. I can’t guarantee I won’t pretend I’m a single father to pick up chicks at the mall - because I’m going to. So, can you maybe Photoshop Sunday Rose a bit? You know, make her look like the fruit of my loins. Just add a knife between her teeth and eyes that can see into a woman’s soul. (Read: Give her those X-Ray glasses with the spirals for lenses.)

Jamie Lynn Spears just squeezed little Maddie Briann out, and already the pimping has begun. Although, everyone knows her mom Lynne sold the photo rights to OK! Magazine the minute she saw the ultrasound. Apparently, OK! likes their baby photos to have that “just out of the uterus” scent. Jamie Lynn also gave an interview for the latest issue that, judging by the responses, was written by at least five publicists and a gaggle of housewives:

On being home in Louisiana:
“Around here, everyone has the same focus. The focus is family, and that’s a good way to live.”

On the delivery:
“They’d told me it would be an eight- to 12-hour labor, and I was ready to have the baby in three to four hours. I had a perfect pregnancy and a perfect delivery. I was very blessed.”

On life with the new baby:
“We get up in the morning, and she gets her little bath. Then I get my bath. We have a routine, and I love routines. I’ve worked one out with her, and we’re happy going about our little life.”

You know what’s always a great idea? Glamorizing teenage motherhood. Awesome. First Juno tried to indie me to death and now this. I can almost smell the pregnancy pacts…

Jamie Lynn Spears gave birth to baby girl Maddie Briann this morning. The father is Jamie Lynn’s boyfriend Cassey Aldridge (but don’t quote me on that.) People reports:

“Just the family was there,” says a source about the birth around 9:30 a.m. at a hospital in Mississippi, near her Louisiana hometown. “Everyone is healthy and happy.”

What’s awesome is the pictures above were taken last night at El Dorado Mexican restaurant. They say spicy food jump starts the labor process, so obviously she was ready to get this thing done. Either that or Britney put a gun to her head and demanded tacos now. Don’t give her no lip about contractions. Ha ha, sisters.

Congratulations to Jamie Lynn and Casey. I look forward to hearing Maddie’s first single next week.

Britney Spears is back home in Louisiana to be with her pregnant sister Jamie Lynn who’s apparently close to launching another Spears into the world TODAY. Yay. People reports:

After taking an early morning commercial flight from LAX, the singer, 26, touched down in New Orleans on Wednesday afternoon with her father, Jamie, 55, her brother, Bryan, 31, and her assistant, Brett.
The Spears clan then headed home to the Spears family Serenity mansion in Kentwood.

I can almost envision the whole birthing process now: A doctor bursts through the door of Serenity mansion, instruments in hand.
“Wonderful,” he says, “You’ve got the birth canal exposed. Fantastic. Let me take a look here-”

Y’ALLLLLL!

“Hell’s bells, madam. I do declare I thought you were about to give birth. My apologies. Would you be so kind to point me in the direction of the woman in labor?”

Y’ALLLL THE Y’ALLL TO THE Y’ALL

Lynne Spears’ parenting memoir “Through the Storm: A Real Story of Fame and Family in a Tabloid World” is officially set to release in September. A spokesperson for the publisher confirmed the news to People:

“When Jamie Lynn got pregnant, it was put on hold,” says a spokesman for Thomas Nelson, which publishes inspirational books and Bibles. “Lynne never stopped working on it because she wants to express her love for her children and tell their stories through a mother’s eyes.”

“Through the Storm” is catchy but it lacks zazz. Here are some alternative titles that, I think, will have Lynne’s book flying off shelves:

“What Do You Mean You’re Pregnant?: A Mother’s Struggle to Overcome Struggling”

“Have You Seen My Daugther’s Vagina?: One Woman’s Journey Through Womanjourneyhood”

“Where’s Mommy’s Taste? Raising Your Child Star Right in a Godless World.”

Like my pa always said, “Nothing else follows up a Britney Spears phone sex post like pics of her pregnant little sister in hooker heels.” I now present to you Jamie Lynn Spears: Third Trimester Street Walker*. Prostitution just got a whole lot more pregnantier.

*NASCAR role-play mandatory. Family member discounts available upon request. No darkies, Demmy-crats or fancy book readin’ folks that talks all funny with them big words. Inability to whistle “Dixie” during coitus is legalified grounds for lynchin’.

Britney Spears returned to her hometown of Kentwood, Louisiana to attend Jamie Lynn’s baby shower this weekend. Relatives say Britney took to her old banjo like a cousin taking his mother in a haystack. E! News reports:

E! News has learned that mom and dad did all the cooking for the alcohol-free affair, which included fried chicken and chili.
Security was tight at Serenity, with police setting up a roadblock and checking IDs. By noon, only about 50 cars were allowed to enter, mostly filled with college-age men and women. There was no sign of Jamie Lynn’s baby daddy/fiancé, Casey Aldridge.

It should be noted that Jamie Lynn holds the record for being the oldest woman to get pregnant in the town of Kentwood. Ole Man Boggynuts was said to have commented: “It’s about time that spinster got some seed in her belly. Reckon it ain’t right t’wasn’t her kin, but y’alls gotta do what y’alls gotta do. Ding dang root toot tootily! I’s also the town doctor.” For those of you who think I’m just perpetuating a horrible caricature of the South, I literally did travel to Britney’s town for this interview. I’m still here right now typing from my, what the locals call, “Magic word machine that done got them nakey pics on them.” See? You can’t make this stuff up.

Holy freaking crap, it’s the reclusive “because her parents want to hide their shame in the backwoods of Louisiana but the paps still find her anyway” Jamie Lynn Spears! Sometimes I doubt my journalistic integrity, but when I post pics like this, I know I’m at the top of my game. Take notes, CNN, MSNBC, and, yeah, okay, FOX News when you’re done tonguing some W anus. I just journalized you all in the face! WHA-POW!

NOTE: What does it say about me as a person that I think Jamie Lynn’s pregnant body is way hotter than Britney’s non-pregnant gelatinous form? Besides that I’m probably going to jail.

Like any couple out for a romantic afternoon, Jamie Lynn Spears and Casey Aldridge were driving around in a old golf cart root-tootin’ huntin’ ATV with a dog. Oh, and also Casey had a gun sitting in his lap. Adorable. Some paps happened to be nearby prompting Casey to tell them to get the hell off the private property. (It was actually public.) Then he pointed the gun at a pap. Now that’s just downright precious. Seriously, nothing goes together like teenagers, guns and pregnancy. Their love story truly has it all. I wouldn’t be surprised if next you tell me Casey wears knights armor to social events. And by social events I mean wings and bingo night at the Elks Lodge. Kiss your kin and get a free beer cozy!

Jamie Lynn Spears is no longer a pregnant 16-year-old. She’s now a pregnant 17-year-old. Britney’s fertile sibling spent her birthday with boyfriend Casey Aldridge at Ruby Tuesday on Saturday. Meanwhile, Jamie Lynn’s entire family ditched her to go out to eat with the Vadged One, according to Us Magazine:

Jamie Lynn hit up a local Wal-Mart and Ruby Tuesday restaurant just outside Kentwood, while big sis Britney, brother Bryan and his girlfriend, Lynne and Jamie dined with a group at Italian restaurant Peppone in Brentwood.
There was no mention of Jamie Lynn or the fact that it was her birthday at the Spears family dinner, an eyewitness told Usmagazine.com.

Maybe everyone figured they’d let Jamie Lynn and Casey have some alone time. It’s not like she can get more pregnant. Trust me; I’ve done exhaustive research on the topic. And by exhaustive research I mean I’m not allowed near the Lamaze class at the Y anymore.

The reclusive Jamie Lynn Spears brought her prego-belly into the open yesterday. It appears she’s having a girl judging by the pink baby saucer. Another female Spears? Hello, job security! Also, Jamie Lynn is sporting an engagement ring which means the rumors are true: Casey Aldridge is afraid of shotguns. Guess he doesn’t want any bullet holes - in his vagina! Ha, BURN! But, no, let’s be serious for a minute, marriage isn’t laughing matter. Unless it happens to someone else then, I gotta admit, I pretty much piss my pants every time.

Hey, kids, guess what? Teenage pregnancy is totally awesome! Just ask Britney’s little sister Jamie Lynn Spears who couldn’t be happier with the ticking time bomb inside her 16-year-old uterus. Ok! Magazine provides the super fab details:

On March 9, Jamie Lynn attended a local baseball game. A few days later she went on a coffee run with a girlfriend, and on March 13, she hit up one of her favorite local shops, Connie’s Jewelry & Gifts, for a few trinkets. “She’s behaving like a pretty normal teen,” the friend says. “She’s not even worried about how much weight she puts on or doing any special exercises. At her age, her body will bounce right back and she knows it.”

As if this article wasn’t bad enough, scope out the tagline: “Brit’s little sis is acting anything like the country’s most famous pregnant 16-year-old!” Wow, America has it’s own famous pregnant teen. We’ve finally done it! My heart is swelling with such patriotic pride I’m going to bang my head off the Liberty Bell until I see stars - and stripes! Awww yeah!

Jamie Lynn Spears has a guest spot on the upcoming ABC sitcom Miss Guided. A spy for E! News has a quick plot synopsis that will make you want to put a sledge hammer through your television. SPOILER ALERT! For those of you who actually heard of the show before the past 24 hour media barrage:

Becky (the guidance counselor, played by Judy Greer) helps Mandy get into state college, but the substitute Spanish teacher (played by Ashton Kutcher) convinces her not to go because she’ll be “brainwashed by a bunch of dead white men.”
She rewards herself for her decision by hooking up with a second guy, James. By the end of the episode, however, Mandy is back on the college track—and back in the car, making out with Michael.

The spy also reports that the Jamie Lynn sucks as an actress, but it sounds like she’s pretty much playing herself - but not pregnant. And she makes out with boys her own age, not fertile Nickelodeon executives. Also she’s in high school and not getting a GED. Okay, so maybe these are big leaps for Jamie Lynn Spears. Huge, giant enormous leaps that frighten and confuse the Jamie Lynn. She probably called Britney for support but all she heard was “munch, munch” and someone in the background yelling “Ha! She thinks it’s candy! Hey, is that a vagina?”