Britney Spears donated the above painting to The Promises Foundation which provides “behavioral health services to low-income women and their children.” The portrait was for sale on eBay with a starting bid of $10,000, but the auction page has been inexplicably pulled. At any rate, the painting was on display in Britney’s parent’s house because who doesn’t love a topless portrait of their daughter hanging around? You know, besides the South.

Jamie Spears will continue his conservatorship of Britney until the end of the year. The commissioner extended Jamie’s control of Britney’s estate during a hearing this afternoon, but left it open to early termination. (Read: Once Britney can put on her clothes like a big girl, she gets her bank account back.) E! Online reports:

“Regarding the conservatorship of the person, I understand that Ms. Spears is reluctantly agreeing to extend those letters,” Goetz said. “We are extending them until Dec. 31, 2008.”
A status hearing for the extended order has been set for Oct. 28.

My sources tell me Britney’s reluctance was easily won over when her dad promised her a pony. Except after the hearing he said “Just kidding” and took her to the dentist.

Britney Spears is “not yet fit” to participate in court hearings regarding her conservatorship. To bring everyone up to speed, after Brit’s second trip to Crazytown Mental Ward, her father Jamie was placed in control of her estate and is actually doing a bang-up job. Britney’s attorney Samuel Ingham spent 90 minutes yesterday talking to Commissioner Reva Goetz, according to the AP:

Ingham told the court afterward that Spears’ medical condition is “fluid” because her treatment is changing.
Spears’ probate case is scheduled to go to trial July 31, but Ingham said it could be “harmful” for her to participate. Goetz agreed and said Spears’ diagnosis is not complete.

Just so I have this straight: Britney is unable to hear about her finances, but is allowed to have sex with her agent. Is Jamie Spears making sure her vagina stays open for the summer? If so, smart move what with it being vacation season and all. There’s never a more bonding experience than packing up the fam in a camper and visiting our national parks and vaginas. God bless Jamie Spears.

Britney Spears’ dad Jamie Spears gave up his private catering career to wrangle in his daughter’s crazy. He decided to pay himself (from Britney’s estate) $10,000 for lost wages. I can’t remember the last time I saw her vagina, so, shit, why not make a mil? The dude earned it. The Sun reports:

The court papers said: “As a result of the responsibilities Mr Spears has assumed as Temporary Conservator of the Person and Temporary Co-Conservator of the Estate, he has been unable to continue his prior employment and thus no longer has the source of income he previously had in order to pay his expenses and bills.”

I added pics of Britney going out to eat last night after returning from her reign of terror in Costa Rica. Mostly because they’re new and, also, I get a lot of e-mails asking for posts that make readers feel like “a chicken wing on the buffet at Bonanza.” What can I say? I’m a giver.

Britney Spears’ father Jamie is trying to stop the cash hemorrhaging from his daughter’s estate. He’s reportedly trying to land her a full-time sitcom gig and is brokering a deal for Britney to start her own line of furniture, according to Page Six:

Spies say Spears pere is in talks with Danish celebrity broker Claus Hjelmbak to “bring Danish accent pieces to the United States . . . Britney will be the face of the brand.” The insider tells us that Hjelmbak and Jamie Spears have been working out the deal for more than two months. Hjelmbak and Britney met at the Scandinavian Style Mansion back in December 2007, when Britney was reportedly paid $1 million to celebrate her birthday at the event, hosted by Sharon Stone.

Could you imagine walking into someone’s house and having them ask “Do you like my couch? It’s an original Britney Spears.” I’m almost positive you’d have legal grounds to hit that person over the head with a vase and steal their wallet. They don’t deserve their money no matter how comfy a sofa made of chicken wings ends up being. Although some blue cheese pillows would pull the room together…

Kevin Federline still has feelings for his vagina-flashing ex-wife Britney Spears. Could there be a reunion in the works? And, God help us all, another offspring down the line? Showbiz Spy reports:

“I still love Britney. She’s the mother of my children,” Federline, 30, said.
And Jamie Spears — Britney’s dad — is even reportedly encouraging the pair to reunite.

Ack! Britney’s dad is trying to make this happen?! WTGDF?! Seriously, if these two get back together you know she’s popping out another kid then going off the deep end. And I was really starting to like how things are now. You know, where I hardly ever see her face anymore. Do you know how hard it is to constantly type Frappucino? I had to hire midgets to move my fingers. True story.

Britney Spears is allowed to spend $1,500 of her own money a week, according to a court ruling yesterday. Britney decided not to show up for the hearing, but, surprise, things actually worked in her favor. No shit. OK! Magazine reports:

Despite her failure to show up to court, the commissioner did agree to grant Brit’s father and co-conservator, Jamie Spears, the authority to issue his daughter a debit/credit card, permitting Britney to spend up to $1,500 of her own money per week — the idea being to enable the former pop star to “enjoy herself and have some freedom of choice,” said attorney for the conservators, Geraldine Wyle of Luce-Forward.

So in the past 24 hours Britney Spears has been called a Madonna wannabe by Justin Timberlake, found out her ex-husband is trying to shaft her with legal fees and needed a court hearing to determine if she can spend her own money. I’m not a religious man, but I’m pretty sure this is proof that God exists - and fucking hates Britney Spears. Look, big guy, we all got stung by Vadge-Gate ‘06, but don’t you think this is a bit excessive. *ZAP!* Ha, you missed! Oh, no, Frank the Intern, not you! He had so many more cups of coffee for me to throw in his face. It’s not his time yet, dammit! Why, God, WHY?!

The judge in the Britney Spears’ conservatorship case ruled that Britney Spears’ estate pay Jamie Spears $2,500 a week and allow him to lease a car while he handles Britney’s affairs. The ruling was made Wednesday according to court documents that the press got a hold of yesterday. The AP reports:

Goetz also ordered Spears’ estate to make a $58,800 payment to Samuel D. Ingham III, the court-appointed attorney who represents Britney Spears in the conservatorship case. She also authorized the pop star’s psychiatrist to hire two other doctors and pay them retainers totaling $9,000 from her estate.

To some of us, $2,500 is a lot of cheddah. I mean, this job only pays me in McDonald’s gift certificates. (I just survived my eighth heart attack. Take that, God!) But, when you think about it, Jamie is getting Britney’s career back on track and she’ll end up raking in millions. Also the poor bastard has to be with Britney Spears 24/7. I wouldn’t subject myself to that kind of abuse unless you paid me $1.2 trillion dollars. Or a Nintendo Wii. Damn, I negotiates good.

Britney Spears’ conservatorship will continue for five more months which keeps her dad in control of her estate until July. The court is gay for Jamie Spears who’s surprisingly getting Britney’s life back in order. The AP reports:

Superior Court Commissioner Reva Goetz extended Jamie Spears’ control until July 31, said court spokesman Alan Parachini. Parachini wasn’t immediately able to provide more information.

It’s been a really, and I mean really, long time since I said this but, after looking at these pics, I’d hit that. Maybe it’s the shrooms I ate in the janitor’s closet. Or all the bourbon in my coffee, but I’d have sexual relations with Britney Spears. Go ahead and call me a hero, if you like. I won’t mind. But, no, seriously, call me a hero. Otherwise I feel like an idiot wearing this Wonder Woman costume. Though I’m totally working these high-heeled boots.

Britney and Jamie Lynn Spears’ uncle William Spears is all about airing the family’s dirty laundry. Apparently Jamie Lynn herself was an accident just like the child in her belly that may or may not be Casey Aldridge’s. Jamie Spears had a vasectomy after Britney was born, but yet somehow Lynne ended up pregnant. The Sun reports:

He said: “Jamie got awfully mad. He said it couldn’t be his.” Williams alleges Jamie demanded a DNA test, that eventually proved he was the baby’s biological father.
He added: “That’s why they named her Jamie Lynn, to kind of make the point that she was from both of them.”

Ha! What an amazing way to name your child. I can just imagine how that conversation went with Jamie Lynn: Daddy, where did my name come from? Well, you see, sweetie, Daddy only wanted two kids so he had his balls snipped. See the scar? Well, since God is a sick bastard, somehow you’re mommy got pregnant. Now I’ve always suspected she’s a cheap whore and didn’t believe it was mine. But science proved me wrong, so we decided, shit, we’re stuck with you, why not pick a name that reminds us of how much I distrust that fucking shrew of a woman and wish she’d die in her sleep. The end. Sleep tight, my little princess. Smooches!

It’s apparently legal day on The Superficial. New York attorney John Eardley was shut down yesterday in his attempts to prove Britney Spears is being held captive and that her conservatorship case should be heard by a federal judge. No one could figure out what angle this guy was working, but it obviously didn’t work. People reports:

“Mr. Eardley fails to explain why he can bring this claim for her in the first instance. He cannot,” Gutierrez said in his three-page ruling. “Mr. Eardley had no authority to remove the case from state court. He is neither a party nor a defendant. While he claims to be Ms. Spears’s attorney, the probate court … found that she was incapable of retaining her own counsel.”

Britney Spears’ legal conundrum is so ridiculous that the judge could file a ruling stating, “So I communicated to Mr. Eardley ‘Dude, what the fuck? Your shit makes no sense and I ain’t got time for no jibber-jabber.’” This once again proves that Mr. T should handle any and all legal cases so I’m entertained and get to watch fools be pitied. The defense rests and will now eat a Pop Tart if it pleases the court.

Jamie Spears must be some kind of miracle worker because his presence has already scored Britney two visits with her kids. Just yesterday Britney had her second visit and the children once again left unscathed. Kevin Federline’s lawyer Mark Vincent Kaplan was even impressed, according to OK! Magazine:

“These visitations with the boys will help to normalize the family environment,” Kaplan told OK!. “Kevin has always been rooting for Britney to regain visitation… and if these visits go well, they will ramp up over time.”
In fact, says the Britney insider, the rumor around the Spears house is that Sean Preston, 2, and 1-year-old Jayden James could soon be visiting up to three times a week.

Seriously, Jamie Spears should negotiate peace in the Middle East. The guy turned Britney Batshit Spears into Susie Homemaker. Jesus Christ is reading all this and going, “Why is that chump making me look like a fool?” But sadly for Jesus, Jamie Spears heard that and ascended into heaven to open a can of holy whoop ass. Whick-a-POW!

Britney’s dad Jamie Spears is apparently running a tight ship. OK! Magazine reports Britney is kept on a regimented schedule which makes sense. Children crave structure and discipline which Jamie Spears is dishing out like Bruce Lee if he ran a day care for 26-years-old. I rock at metaphors:

Britney’s father is not allowing her to drink alcohol, see her friends and insists that she prays in her pajamas every night. Jamie has also been encouraging his daughter to teach childrens’ classes at her favorite hangout, Millennium Dance Complex.

But Britney’s fighting back and plotting a return to her care-free days of acting like a batshit moron in public:

So far, Britney has been compliant with her dad’s rules, but sources tell OK! that the singer is in the midst of plotting her revenge. Britney has been sending secret text messages to her former party pal and cousin Alli Sims and is reportedly working with her and Sam Lutfi to try to oust her father as her conservator.

I guess Britney Spears is getting tired of having to take a bath before bed every night. But she’s got her dad fooled. She just locks the doors, runs some water and plays with her Barbies on the floor. Ha ha. Suckers.

Britney Spears’ father and attorney Andrew Wallet will continue their conservatorship over Britney until March 10. Yesterday’s hearing also placed Britney’s brother Ryan into the ongoing legal clusterfuck. People reports:

Britney’s father and Wallet were also granted the power to handle the singer’s taxes, and Britney’s brother Bryan, 30, was named as a trustee of her trust. According to court papers, trust funds are used “to pay for Britney’s continued security, and to pay for her medicine, food, other day-to-day expenses and for psychiatric and other medical services.”

Sam Lutfi is still hiding and has yet to be served the now two-week old restraining order. He’s rumored to be behind a New York lawyer’s attempt to make Britney’s legal troubles a federal case, according to an insider for OK! Magazine:

“He’s upset because he can’t see Britney and have her pay him money,” explains the insider. “If Sam gets paid, then he can pay the lawyer and Sands. It’s all ludicrous.”
As for whether there is any merit to this motion, the insider tells OK!, “I’d be willing to bet that aside from Sam and Sands grandstanding on the courthouse steps, this is the last we hear about it.”

I think the federal government has more dire and pressing issues on their plate than worrying about Britney Spears. I’m talking about matters of grave national security. Like determining exactly what Roger Clemens injected into his ass. Okay, in hindsight, these dudes have time on their hands. Let’s get America’s braless sweetheart in front of Congress and pray those old bastards don’t have a heart attack. Most of them haven’t seen a nipple since World War II. And it was Bob Hope’s.

PETA sent Jamie and Lynne Spears a letter of concern about Britney. PETA believes that Britney’s consumption of meat and dairy products is making her batshit crazy and want to help. Their reason (Warning: Shameless plug coming.): “The letter suggests putting the suffering star on a vegan diet to help her get her emotional and physical health back to a place where it won’t be daily fodder for Perez and The Superficial.” Nice. Here’s an excerpt of the now-open letter from PETA’s website:

In addition, the Royal College of Psychiatrists in the U.K. studied the relationship between mental disorders and the consumption of meat, dairy, and other animal products and concluded that “a higher national dietary intake of… dairy products predicted a worse two-year outcome of schizophrenia.” They also concluded that a higher consumption of meat was linked to a worsening of schizophrenia, while consumption of beans—a vegetarian protein source—was linked to improvements. In addition, the Mental Health Sanctuary in Washington advises people with bipolar disorder to avoid dairy products.

While the medical link between mental illness and meat and dairy consumption is still evolving, there is no doubt that eating animal products is a major factor in causing other diseases, including the top killers in the U.S. According to the American Dietetic Association, vegetarians are less prone to heart disease, specific types of cancer, diabetes, and obesity than meat-eaters. While switching to a vegan diet might very well benefit Britney’s mental health, it would undoubtedly benefit her physical health.

I love how at the end of this letter PETA basically says “Oh yeah, and also Britney’s kind of fat.” Is it really about the mental health, PETA, or do you just want Britney to drop a few pounds? Don’t feel bad. You’re not the only organization out there who feels the same way. I hear NASA is building an exercise machine that launches Britney into orbit if she doesn’t lose 10 pounds in a week.

P.S. Kudos again for the plug. With the increased site traffic I can buy that combination veal farm/fur coat factory I’ve had my eye on. Thanks, PETA!

Britney Spears’ dad (above) is on the offensive ever since Britney was released from the hospital yesterday. After her release, Britney went to the Beverly Hills Hotel where Adnan Ghalib met her. Jamie Spears showed up with court documents and decided he want to land some verbal kickass on Adnan’s chin landing strip. The Daily Mail reports:

Following a conference with hotel security, Mr Spears entered Britney’s room to remind her she was still under conservatorship, and told Adnan: “You’d better be paying for the room”.
By the end of the day, Britney, her father and Adnan were all at the singer’s home, where they spent the night.

Apparently Britney’s dad is planning to set up camp at Britney’s mansion. Living with your dad isn’t so bad. Mine lives with me. Well, okay, it’s more like I live with him and my mom. They make me sleep in a cupboard under the sink which kind of prohibits my romantic endeavors. The last chick I managed to get in there (Jagermeister, I heart you.) got all freaked out when my mom turned on the garbage disposal. I thought it was romantic. She thought it was a sign to toss S.O.S. in my eyes. Fortunately I was wearing my Brillo pad sleeping mask.

Britney Spears’ release from UCLA Medical Center has many people scratching their heads. It turns out that a court-appointed lawyer stepped in and decided that Britney was no longer a danger to herself and others. People reports:

The procedure calls for a hearing at the hospital to find out whether the hold is justified. The rep for the court, called a “hearing referee” – who is usually a lawyer – interviews the patient and doctor to determine if there’s “just cause” for detainment.
“This is when law and medicine collide,” says attorney Terry K. Wasserman, who’s not involved in the Spears matter, “when a lawyer can override a doctor’s opinion.”

Britney Spears’ parents are obviously none-too-thrilled and issued the following statement last night to the media:

“As parents of an adult child in the throes of a mental health crisis, we were extremely disappointed this morning to learn that over the recommendation of her treating psychiatrist, our daughter Britney was released from the hospital that could best care for her and keep her safe.
“We are deeply concerned about our daughter’s safety and vulnerability and we believe her life is presently at risk. There are conservatorship orders in place created to protect our daughter that are being blatantly disregarded. We ask only that the court’s orders be enforced so that a tragedy may be averted.”

My sources tell me that, after releasing the statement, a concerned Lynne and Jamie Spears met with Pentagon officials, The Super Friends and that kid from Home Alone who, sadly, forgot his paint buckets. So much for devising a fully functional crisis response. Kevin, you’re such a disease.*

*My apologies to anyone whose never watched Home Alone and has no idea what I’m talking about. You also have my sympathy for living what must be a shallow, empty existence. Even if you’re a doctor that saves orphans.

Britney’s father Jamie Spears had given a signed declaration to the court during his efforts to become conservatorship of Britney’s affair. In it he detailed his visit with Britney on Sunday, where he let her know that items were stolen from her house. Osama “Sam” Lutfi was the culprit. Britney wasn’t surprised, according to OK! Magazine:

“She asked me to help get it back. I told her that I would,” Jamie said. Earlier this week, a police report was filed claiming “valuable possessions” were taken from Britney’s house sometime between the time the pop star was admitted to UCLA’s psych ward and the conservatorship papers were signed.

According to the declaration, Jamie and Britney also reached an understanding about who exactly was keeping her in the hospital:

Britney then became upset, claiming “someone was lying to her” about who was keeping her at UCLA. Jamie said, “No, I’m not keeping you here.” A nurse came in to tell Brit that the hospital was keeping her there, not her dad.

Meanwhile, deep in his secret cave, Sam Luf Laden checks his eBay auction. Damn! Still no bids for the bronzed bucket of chicken he stole off Britney’s mantle. C’mon! Where’s a grave to piss on when you need one?

Sam Luffernutter isn’t sweating the latest restraining order that Britney’s dad leveled against him. In fact, he shared his thoughts with Us Magazine and, as are his ways, got all over-dramatic about it:

“It won’t last,” he told Usmagazine.com shortly after yesterday’s hearing, during which a court ordered Britney Spears to have no further contact — direct or indirect — with him.
Of Spears parents, Jamie and Lynne, Lutfi added, “They’re never gonna be able to rule her forever.”

And, yay, did Sam of Lufmalutti verily ride his steed into yonder distance and proclaim his devotion to vanquish the elder Spears’ rule and free his fair maiden. Henceforth did The Superficial Writer cease caring and forged a sandwich. And it was of righteous ham and mustard creating a thirst for ale which he drank mightily until a dragon reared his fiery head and request to be drained. But, woe, was The Superficial Writer not ready to break yon seal. Lamentations!

Britney Spears’ father Jamie won a decisive court battle yesterday and will remain the conservatorship over Britney’s affairs until February 14. Attorney Adam Streisand (Barbara’s cousin. Seriously.) was hired by Britney to contest the conservatorship, but it was determined that Britney is essentially too crazy to know what’s going on, according to People:

A court-appointed lawyer for Britney Spears, Samuel Ingham, was also present, and testified that he met with her at the hospital Sunday for 15 minutes.
He added that in his opinion the pop star “does not understand the nature of these proceedings” or their impact on her future. He added, “I think she lacks the capacity” to hire a private lawyer.

Jamie Spears then revealed that Sam Flufluftfi (sp?) refused to open his door when the court tried to serve him papers:

By the hearing’s end, the court ordered Spears to have no contact, direct or indirect, by phone, email, text message or any other means with Lutfi, a court spokesman said, and an attempt to serve Lutfi with a revised restraining order would occur.

So it’s what? February 2008? And people are just now coming to the conclusion that Britney Spears has no freaking clue what she’s doing? Amazing. I could’ve told you years ago that Britney would sign any legal document in the world in exchange for a pony. Granted it was life-sized and made of chocolate. Throw in a soft nougaty center, and I’m pretty sure she’d give you a kidney. If not both.