John Mayer decided to unleash a fury of words on some photographers following him around Saturday in New York. He’s tired of rumors that he cheated on Jennifer Aniston and/or didn’t want to impregnate her no matter how many times she threatened to “nipple his goddamn eyes out.” You might not see those exact words down below, but I’m 90% sure they’re what John Mayer really meant.. Us Magazine reports:

“If you guys are going to run stuff and run every lie under the sun, have somebody stand up for somebody. Have me as a man who ended a relationship stand here and write some truth. Have me stand up for somebody and write that Jennifer Aniston is the smartest, most sophisticated person I think I’ve ever met. She’s one of the most lovely people I’ve ever met in my life and I’m going through something that’s a very personal thing and you have to give that up. You have to give everything up because you can’t have it all and it sucks.
“I’m sorry that the story’s not interesting, but it’s about time that somebody stands up for that girl and I think she’s great.”
Mayer reflected on the situation as “the most normal thing in the world – There’s no lying, there’s no cheating. There’s no nothing.

John Mayer then flipped out on a reporter who asked if he was currently seeing anyone else:

“Why are you asking me that question? I’m being as honest as I can possibly can be,” he responded. “I ended a relationship because there is no lying. I ended a relationship to be alone because I don’t want to waste somebody’s time if something’s not right. I don’t waste people’s time.
“I don’t do ‘the taper,’” he continued. “I guarantee you [that] 20 percent of the people on this street right now who are in a relationship wish they could get out but they don’t know how. And I’m going to be honest on the way in to my relationships and I’m going to be honest on the way out of my relationships.”

Jesus, John Mayer, the guy was just asking a follow-up question. It’s sort of his job. Flipping out on him is like someone interrupting a show to ask why you’re singing songs that make them want to shove a flaming torch in their ear. We all got bills to pay. Now, if you’ll excuse me, my penis isn’t going to make jokes about itself.

John Mayer decided to unleash a fury of words on some photographers following him around Saturday in New York. He’s tired of rumors that he cheated on Jennifer Aniston and/or didn’t want to impregnate her no matter how many times she threatened to “nipple his goddamn eyes out.” You might not see those exact words down below, but I’m 90% sure they’re what John Mayer really meant.. Us Magazine reports:

“If you guys are going to run stuff and run every lie under the sun, have somebody stand up for somebody. Have me as a man who ended a relationship stand here and write some truth. Have me stand up for somebody and write that Jennifer Aniston is the smartest, most sophisticated person I think I’ve ever met. She’s one of the most lovely people I’ve ever met in my life and I’m going through something that’s a very personal thing and you have to give that up. You have to give everything up because you can’t have it all and it sucks.
“I’m sorry that the story’s not interesting, but it’s about time that somebody stands up for that girl and I think she’s great.”
Mayer reflected on the situation as “the most normal thing in the world – There’s no lying, there’s no cheating. There’s no nothing.

John Mayer then flipped out on a reporter who asked if he was currently seeing anyone else:

“Why are you asking me that question? I’m being as honest as I can possibly can be,” he responded. “I ended a relationship because there is no lying. I ended a relationship to be alone because I don’t want to waste somebody’s time if something’s not right. I don’t waste people’s time.
“I don’t do ‘the taper,’” he continued. “I guarantee you [that] 20 percent of the people on this street right now who are in a relationship wish they could get out but they don’t know how. And I’m going to be honest on the way in to my relationships and I’m going to be honest on the way out of my relationships.”

Jesus, John Mayer, the guy was just asking a follow-up question. It’s sort of his job. Flipping out on him is like someone interrupting a show to ask why you’re singing songs that make them want to shove a flaming torch in their ear. We all got bills to pay. Now, if you’ll excuse me, my penis isn’t going to make jokes about itself.

John Mayer decided to unleash a fury of words on some photographers following him around Saturday in New York. He’s tired of rumors that he cheated on Jennifer Aniston and/or didn’t want to impregnate her no matter how many times she threatened to “nipple his goddamn eyes out.” You might not see those exact words down below, but I’m 90% sure they’re what John Mayer really meant.. Us Magazine reports:

“If you guys are going to run stuff and run every lie under the sun, have somebody stand up for somebody. Have me as a man who ended a relationship stand here and write some truth. Have me stand up for somebody and write that Jennifer Aniston is the smartest, most sophisticated person I think I’ve ever met. She’s one of the most lovely people I’ve ever met in my life and I’m going through something that’s a very personal thing and you have to give that up. You have to give everything up because you can’t have it all and it sucks.
“I’m sorry that the story’s not interesting, but it’s about time that somebody stands up for that girl and I think she’s great.”
Mayer reflected on the situation as “the most normal thing in the world – There’s no lying, there’s no cheating. There’s no nothing.

John Mayer then flipped out on a reporter who asked if he was currently seeing anyone else:

“Why are you asking me that question? I’m being as honest as I can possibly can be,” he responded. “I ended a relationship because there is no lying. I ended a relationship to be alone because I don’t want to waste somebody’s time if something’s not right. I don’t waste people’s time.
“I don’t do ‘the taper,’” he continued. “I guarantee you [that] 20 percent of the people on this street right now who are in a relationship wish they could get out but they don’t know how. And I’m going to be honest on the way in to my relationships and I’m going to be honest on the way out of my relationships.”

Jesus, John Mayer, the guy was just asking a follow-up question. It’s sort of his job. Flipping out on him is like someone interrupting a show to ask why you’re singing songs that make them want to shove a flaming torch in their ear. We all got bills to pay. Now, if you’ll excuse me, my penis isn’t going to make jokes about itself.

While conventional wisdom suggests that John Mayer hightailed it out of his relationship with Jennifer Aniston when it became known she wants kids, it turns out he has a “roving eye/wang” which prompted her to eject him from the magical land of constantly erect nipples. The Chicago Sun-Times reports:

Apparently, Aniston gave Mayer a “three strikes and you’re out” ultimatum — after learning about his “quickie” flings with a cocktail waitress and a promoter’s assistant for his concert tour.
That was two strikes. Another dalliance, with a groupie, was the final straw for Aniston.
A longtime major Hollywood studio exec — and good Aniston buddy — adds this: “Above everything else, Jennifer is looking for stability and loyalty in a relationship. She still is hurting from losing Brad [Pitt] to Angelina [Jolie] — even after all this time.”

I have a bit of a wandering penis myself. Except he doesn’t so much as wander as burn through my frequent flier miles. He’ll come home and when I ask if he at least got some, he’ll act all aloof and say “Oh, yeah, sure.” When I know he just sat at some airport bar reading a James Patterson novel. God, what a dick.

Jennifer Aniston and John Mayer are “taking a break.” Apparently, John hit the brakes after all the baby talk. I guess nobody informed Jennifer Aniston that telling a dude you’ve only been dating for a few months you want kids is kind of a turn off. Don’t be surprised if John schedules an emergency vasectomy and flees to France. At least that’s how I roll. By the way, Oui! Oui! Ow, my stitches… Us Weekly reports:

“It is really a cooling-off, not this big, dramatic breakup,” a mutual pal tells Us Weekly in its latest issue, on newsstands now. “These are mature people who talk about things maturely,” the pal says. “It’s just slowed down. Who’s to say where it will end up, but now he has a lot going on.”
Another source counters: “If she said she wants kids and he’s not ready, that’s not being needy. It’s being honest.”

Since she got dumped on her ass, I’ve decided to help Jennifer Aniston with the healing process by posting pics of her wearing super-tight pants yesterday. I can’t help myself; I care too much. Now I know what you’re thinking: “Why so many shots from behind?” All I’m saying is “Why so many shots from the front?” I just slapped you silly with logic. You’re welcome.

Jennifer Aniston’s biological clock kicked into overdrive this week after seeing Brad Pitt in People magazine with his gaggle of kids. Apparently, she’s ready to let her uterus be a vessel for John Mayer’s offspring and prove she’s not a barren witch that lives in a gingerbread house. It’s made of graham crackers. Star reports.

The 39-year-old actress feels that after all she has been through watching Brad and Angie’s family grow, she’d love Brad to see photos of her holding her own baby and show him she’s not the self-centered girl he had made her out to be.
“It’s my turn now,” she told a friend. And Jen believes the rocker is perfect daddy material.
“Jen feels so strongly that John is ‘the one,’ ” says a source. “She knows he can handle being a dad.”

Nothing like having a child out of spite. Because that’ll really teach Angelina Jolie a lesson and not fuck the kid up for life. Then again, Jennifer Aniston with prego boobs? Hmm…. The Superficial wishes John and Jennifer the best of luck in their endeavor and would like to point out you can’t get pregnant reading this site (yet), so get crackin’. And, John, no showboating; this is serious business, so it’d probably be best if you left your guitar in its case. The harmonica too.

Suddenly, Jennifer Aniston’s nipple sonar went off: Somebody was popping nips and their names wasn’t Jennifer Aniston.

And then it happened: Jennifer Aniston’s assistant, clearly gone suicidal, attempted to block the nipples with her purse. Her body would later be found in a sand dune on a Mexican beach. The police deduced the culprit’s identity by the two punctures wound in the back, but who would dare prosecute? Anyone worth their badge knew you didn’t go after the nipples. Not in this town. Not in any town…

Jennifer “Anyone need some glass cut?” Aniston is apparently threatened by the looks of Jennifer Connelly. The two star in the upcoming comedy He’s Just Not That Into You along with Drew Barrymore, and Ginnifer Goodwin. The ladies were all set to appear on the cover of Marie Claire but Jennifer Aniston decided she didn’t want Jennifer Connelly involved with the shoot, according to the latest issue of Life & Style:

“Word is, Aniston threatened to pull out if Jennifer was part of the cover,” says an insider familiar with the movie’s shoot. “It was all about getting Jennifer Aniston front and center and looking as sexy as possible.”
While Aniston’s rep denies that there’s any discord between the actresses, they just didn’t hit it off, says the insider: “There was no camaraderie between those two whatsoever. They didn’t seem like friends in the slightest.”

Noticeably absent from the shoot was Scarlett Johannson who’s also in the movie. Sources tell me Jennifer Aniston is holding Ryan Reynolds hostage - much to the squealing glee of John Mayer. Who quickly covered his tracks by running outside and eating a raw steak in front of the paps. “See?” he said. “I’m all man. I love chicks. In fact, I don’t even have Ryan Reynolds chained to my drum set. That’s how much I love chicks. Now excuse me, I’ve got a chart-topping album to record.” Moments later, a frantic drum solo was heard that ended as quickly as it started. But with a cymbal crash and someone yelling “Definitely, maybe, SHAZAM!”

Thanks to Rebecca who knows there’s a time and place for the turkey to be done.

While John Mayer is allegedly wielding a Herculean wang, that doesn’t stop him from finding other ways to satisfy the ladies. Apparently he carries around an arsenal of sexy gadgets in his man-purse. Check out this report from Star on the action Jennifer Aniston is getting:

She is having the best sex of her life with John,” a source close to the actress tells Star, “and she’s loving every minute of it.”
According to the source, the singer covers her with whipped cream, which he licks off, tickles her with feathers and uses ice cubes to give her goosebumps.
“John also likes to keep things interesting with games like role playing, which is new for Jen,” says the source. “She was a little resistant at first, but now you couldn’t wipe the smile off her face if you tried.”
Another source who has slept with John agrees he knows how to have a good time between the sheets. “He was kinky and liked trying crazy positions. He loved sex and wanted it all the time.”

Role-playing, huh? I wonder how many times they argue over who gets to be Ross….

At long last the mystery of why the hell Jennifer Aniston is dating John Mayer has been solved: He’s got a monster wang. NY Daily News reports on this shocking development:

“She’s just so happy and giggly. It is completely out of character,” said one spy.
The reason can’t just be that she is dating John Mayer. No one is that happy with Jessica Simpson’s sloppy seconds. What we hear is there is a certain feature of John that leaves Jen so pleased. The crooner’s ex-paramours reveal he is hell to get over, not because he’s a great guy, but because he’s a “great” guy, if you know what we mean.
“His body actually is a wonderland,” one ex was overheard saying.

I know what some of you are saying: “John Mayer has sex with Jennifer Aniston, millions of dollars and he’s hung like Trogdor. How can you not be jealous?” To those particular people, all I have to say is, Didn’t I send you out for a John Mayer mask and wiener pills an hour ago? What’s the hold up?

NOTE: Pics link to previous post of Jennifer Aniston’s ass as seen from helicopters, tall buildings and this guy’s camera before he fell out of a palm tree. You died not in vain, sir.

Before you guys start hurling the typical comments of “OMGZ Old!”; “I saw these on blah blah blah yesterday.”; and, the always stinging “You’re a marshmallow!”, scope out the angle on these pics. Sure, I posted similar shots on Monday, but not with the God’s view of Jennifer Aniston’s badonker in this recent batch. So that said, just look at the pretty pictures before I come into your house and knock shit over. Starting with your precious Hummels. KERPLOW! Then your Star Wars action figures. HI-YAH! And, finally, your Hannah Montana posters. WICK-A-POW! Wait. This is my house. Goddammit.

Jessica Simpson can’t handle her ex John Mayer hooking up with Jennifer Aniston. So, in a move that suggests a surprising form of intelligence, Jessica drank all the liquor she could get her big-breasted hands on. Nice! Us Magazine reports:

The 27-year-old singer was so out of it after a four-hour session of drinking at L.A.’s Mexicali Cocina Cantina on May 10 – which started at the pre-happy hour of 4 p.m. with BFF CaCee Cobb and her beau Donald Faison – that she was reduced to leaving her Range Rover in the parking lot and calling her mom Tina for a ride home, Us reports (for good measure, CaCee Cobb threw up under the table); that same night, Us Weekly also reports that beau Tony Romo partied solo in Chicago and was overheard telling friends he was single again.

Okay, Jessica Simpson has a smoking body and drinks like a Fish (!). Holy shit, I couldn’t be more in love right now. And not just because of the ecstasy. Now excuse me while I hug all my co-workers starting with The Geekologie Writer who, dammit, just saw me coming and jumped out the window. Aww
NOTE: Photos link to a catty tale of Tony Romo dumping Jessica before he tries to bang half of Chicago. Quasi-true story.

Jennifer Aniston and John Mayer spent some time at the pool over the weekend in Miami. After seeing these photos and remembering what I’ve seen of Friends, I have to ask: Is Jennifer Aniston’s turkey always done? And, if so, why has she not been commended for such? I’m not talking anything fancy. Maybe just a Nobel Peace Prize and/or her face chest carved into Mt. Rushmore. I guess I’m a sucker for seeing the fairer sex receive their well-earned recognition. Also, they make better sandwiches when they’re happy. That’s science.

Here’s photographic proof that John Mayer and Jennifer Aniston are, indeed, romantically involved. I don’t know how the guy does it. I mean, roofies eventually wear off, right? I keep trying to get chicks at the bar to drop one in my drink and take advantage of me. But so far no dice. Except for that one girl who took me up on my offer then stole my car, wallet and everything not nailed down in my house. Which means my case of beer and Star Wars action figures are safe. How could I live with you, Yoda with a giant nail through his face?

Whoever cast Jennifer Aniston in Marley & Me is my new Jesus. The film is shooting in Miami where Jennifer is guaranteed to be sporting a bikini at least once a week. This time around she’s got a friend with her who I’m 90% positive is John Mayer. In the meantime, some of these pics aren’t focused very well, but with boobs, quantity is always better than quality. I mean, who cares if they’re in-focus, out-of-focus, sepiatoned, or attached to a trucker named Ralph you met last night at Arby’s hundreds of women you meet every day while racing Lamborghinis in a ninja suit.

Thanks to Karl who could find breasts in the lost city of Atlantis.

Move over, Reese Witherspoon and Jake Gyllenhaal, there’s a new boring couple in town! These two had not one, but count ‘em, TWO meals together in Miami over the weekend. Not only that, but salad was involved. Get the fuck out! Alert the press! Oh, wait. Us Magazine reports:

“They were affectionate – definitely touchy, feely,” a source told Usmagazine.com about their dinner. “The room they ate in was almost empty. They both drank Belinis.”
Their lunch “definitely seemed like a date,” a witness told Us.
“He had a sandwich,” the onlooker said. “She stole some bites and nibbled on a salad.”

I’m pretty sure John Mayer’s guitar shoots Spanish Fly when he plays it because, otherwise, I have no idea how he manages to score so many chicks. I tried to make a similar contraption myself but, contrary to popular belief, women aren’t turned on by Pam Cooking Spray - fired from a tuba. It seemed good on paper…

After a one-two punch of Paris Hilton and Heidi Montag, I need a little something to rejuvenate the soul. Namely Jennifer Aniston’s sweet ass in a bikini. The world would be a better place if they could extract whatever makes that thing so sexy and put it in IV’s at the hospital. Except I’d probably walk outside and jump in front of a truck. No, wait, it’s Jennifer Aniston. Better make that two trucks. And a rickshaw.

Yesterday it was short shorts, now today it’s Jennifer Aniston in a bikini. Evolution is awesome. Take a gander of Jennifer chilling in Miami where’s she’s filming Marley & Me. Also scope out this pic (Click here as if you’re life depended on it.) where, if I’m not mistaken, Jennifer Aniston is challenging Kate Hudson to an Ass Off. Of course, the real winner is Owen Wilson that hook-nosed rogue. Time for drastic measures. Hammer, meet nose. *CRUNCH* Yup, it definitely broke right off. Not good. Fluffy, no, bad kitty! Get that out of your mouth. Don’t go outside! Ah, shit. Great, now the neighbors are calling the cops. They think I’m Michael Jackson. It’s all a misunderstanding, folks. Ha ha I hate kids! No, really, bring one over and I’ll kick him into the garage door.

Here’s shots of Jennifer Aniston wearing short shorts on the set of her new movie Marley & Me where she may or may not be riding horses made of butterscotch with Owen Wilson or something to that effect. These pictures might not have anything to do with anything but I just stared into Amy Winehouse’s melted face, so I desperately need something hot. And right about now that bar is pretty low. I’m talking core of the Earth low. You could put a baked potato in a Speedo and I’d probably be turned on. State of Idaho, let’s get freaky.

Owen Wilson is apparently tired of Kate Hudson’s heavenly ass and is moving on to Jennifer Aniston. The two are currently filming Marley & Me in Miami and their on-screen romance is moving off-screen, according to Star: Or at least easily rumored to be thanks to tons of pictures of them, oh, I dunno, playing husband and wife:

“The hugging didn’t end when the cameras stopped rolling,” one crew member tells Star. “They were very flirty together, far more than you would expect. In between takes they were hanging onto each other. They are very friendly.”

It looks like Owen Wilson is picking up Brad Pitt’s leftovers. In the future, look for Owen to be romantically linked to Gwyneth Paltrow, Angelina Jolie and finally George Clooney. What? You know it happened. Or was that a dream I had which I vowed never to tell anyone… Ah, shit.