In this “parody” video, Jessica Alba continues her self-righteous quest to encourage people who think The Hills is real to vote. It also features a muzzled Hayden Panettiere which, I’ll admit, almost made me feel like I was falling in love again for the very first time. Until I remembered celebrity political ads are the equivalent of Michael J. Fox performing a vasectomy: They both end with your brain getting stabbed by someone famous.

Declare Yourself is back with another brilliant ad and this one has Jessica Alba smiling for three minutes straight. This is the role Jessica Alba was born to play, in fact I think she was so good at I think she should quit acting and get a job on HSN or QVC!!! BTW I wonder if she got Honr Marie one of those toddler muzzlers…
On a Declare Yourself note, there are just 3 more days to register to vote in the US Presidential election in most states, so if you are not registered do it now. You know I am not political, but Declare Yourself has been doing such a great job with their ads that their message has actually gotten to me.

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Dear Loyal Readers of Voting Age,

Greetings!
When I’m not posting pics of large-breasted celebrities in bikinis, I’m an avid political junkie who understands this is an important election year. That being said, if people out there vote for the next president solely because Jessica Alba told them to and wore one of those freaky Hannibal Lecter masks, I’m moving to Canada.
Folks, if you have absolutely no clue about current events, no matter what Leo or Diddy or “the boys” from Entourage say; for the love of God, stay the fuck home November 4. You’ll be doing yourself and your country a great service.

My deepest, sincere thanks in advance,

The Superficial Writer

Declare Yourself is trying a new tactic to get people to vote and I think it is there best one yet. There is so much more on the ballot besides voting for the President, I know in my state there are a lot of propositions I have to have my voice heard on.

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Alright, folks, this is huge. What you’re seeing are EXCLUSIVE bikini pics of Jessica Alba in Cabo San Lucas today with her husband Cash Warren and their rarely-seen daughter Honor Marie. But that’s not important right now. What is important is A. That butt. (So that’s what heaven looks like…) And B. I got an EXCLUSIVE. Trust me, no one’s more shocked than I am. It feels like I just scored a touchdown in the Super Bowl. Except the end zone is made entirely of breasts and LEGOs. Hey, it’s my fantasy.

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Here’s Jessica Alba out and about yesterday rocking a chest that says “Yes, I did recently squeeze a tiny person out of my pelvis. Thank you for asking.” Which, honestly, almost made me consider Jessica Alba a captivating individual. Keyword being: Almost.

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Jessica Alba and her month-old daughter Honor Marie Warren currently grace the cover of the latest issue of OK! Magazine. Check out the details of her birthing process which is probably the biggest pile of fake I’ve ever read in my life. Next to that time I looked at Heidi Montag’s face:

“I didn’t scream,” Jessica tells OK! in an exclusive interview and photoshoot. “It was really Zen.” And Cash could only marvel at his wife’s quiet strength when she gave birth. “She didn’t make a sound,” he says. “It was amazing.”
The Love Guru star tells OK! that she had natural birth. “The labor was more like meditation,” she says. “I did yoga breathing. I was focused.”

Can someone explain to me why the hell these gossip mags feel the need to make child birth sound like a fairy tale? “I simply passed a soft gentle pillow out of my vagina - and then a rainbow appeared!” Jesus. First off, any housewife worth her weight in delicious sandwich, knows this is bullshit. Second, I’ve seen child birth before (through a peephole), and it’s not magic princess time. There’s mostly a lot of screaming and yelling followed by a stethoscope jammed in my eye when I’m discovered. So, tabloid industry, why don’t you write about that for once?

NOTE: I’m available for pictures.

"I didn't scream," Jessica tells OK! in an exclusive interview and photoshoot. "It was really Zen." And Cash could only marvel at his wife's quiet strength when she gave birth. "She didn't make a sound," he says. "It was amazing."

The Love Guru star tells OK! that she had natural birth. "The labor was more like meditation," she says. "I did yoga breathing. I was focused."

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Nicole Kidman and Keith Urban have quietly thumbed their noses at celebs brokering baby photo deals. Probably not a smart move because I’m pretty sure Angelina Jolie could take Nicole in a fight. In fact, in the sake of research, I’m going to imagine such a battle right now. “Pow! BAM! Ziff! Use the battering ram, Nicole!” While I’m performing my journalistic duties, scope out what a friend of Nicole’s told the Sydney Morning Herald. “BOFF! Eek! Ease up, Angelina. She’s Australian!”:

“They don’t think it’s appropriate to make deals. They are still deciding how they feel about - if and when they will release a photo at all. But they realise there is enormous interest from the public and they are grateful and appreciative of that,” the source said.

Damn, if they’re just giving them away, I’ll get in on that. Give me two 8 x 10s and some wallets. I can’t guarantee I won’t pretend I’m a single father to pick up chicks at the mall - because I’m going to. So, can you maybe Photoshop Sunday Rose a bit? You know, make her look like the fruit of my loins. Just add a knife between her teeth and eyes that can see into a woman’s soul. (Read: Give her those X-Ray glasses with the spirals for lenses.)

Realizing she has the acting skills of a ham sandwich, Jessica Alba has turned her vagina into an ATM by signing a $1.5 million photo deal with OK! Magazine, according to TMZ:

We’re hearing the two-part deal consists of pictures of the baby now, and one other “event” — Christmas, Thanksgiving, vacation, etc. Our spy said Jessica initially turned down the offers of several weekly mags, not wanting to sell, but eventually caved.

Dear struggling actresses, models and reality TV stars,

If anyone of you are looking to cash in on the instant publicity and lucrative photo deals that come with birthing a child, I have a penis.
Just saying.

Sincerely,

The Superficial Writer

P.S. Please be hot and/or drive a beer truck made entirely of chicken wings.

Jessica Alba gave birth to a baby girl this weekend. This will be the first child for her and husband Money Warren. Us Magazine reports:

She was born this weekend at Cedars-Sinai Medical Center in Los Angeles.
Alba’s father was overheard saying “she’s beautiful.” Warren — in a T-shirt, jeans and baseball cap — was spotted carrying food into the maternity ward Sunday. Her rep had no comment.

Jessica and Cash secretly wed in May without even inviting her brother. So, I’m surprised to read Jessica’s dad was in the delivery room. I figured she just carry the baby around and tell people it’s a puppy. Until she’s caught breast feeding and has to admit that fine, okay - it’s a sea lion.

The Superficial wishes the best to Jessica, Cash and baby.

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I’m not a doctor (Actually yes. Yes I am.), but I’ve got a sneaking suspicion that Jessica Alba might be pregnant. And I’m not sure where or when these were taken, but whoever’s job it is to hide in bushes and take pictures of women in bikinis, I want in. I mean sure, my current job title of Ferrari-Racing Breast Massager sounds pretty good, but it gets tiresome after awhile. I think I’d much prefer hiding in somebody’s garbage can for a week just to get a shot of them in their bikini. Alas, I only dare dream of living such a glamorous life.

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Jessica Alba’s own brother, Josh Alba, didn’t even know his sister got married. In fact, he seemed quite stunned he even had a sister. That’s odd. If Jessica Alba were my sister, I’d be more stunned by how often I drilled a hole in the shower wall respected the boundaries and social mores of the time. Us Weekly reports:

“My sister!? I’m going to have to call her!” Josh Alba said when Us Weekly alerted him to the news Tuesday.
When asked if Warren will make a good husband, Josh told Us “Well, he’s my brother in law now!”

Us Weekly, you guys are aces. Way to A.) tell a man he’s not invited to his own sister’s wedding while B.) essentially calling his new brother in law a dick. I mean, couldn’t you at least slipped it in there that Jessica Alba has the acting ability of a bowl of soup? Yeesh. Talk about sloppy reporting.

Jessica Alba’s own brother, Josh Alba, didn’t even know his sister got married. In fact, he seemed quite stunned he even had a sister. That’s odd. If Jessica Alba were my sister, I’d be more stunned by how often I drilled a hole in the shower wall respected the boundaries and social mores of the time. Us Weekly reports:

“My sister!? I’m going to have to call her!” Josh Alba said when Us Weekly alerted him to the news Tuesday.
When asked if Warren will make a good husband, Josh told Us “Well, he’s my brother in law now!”

Us Weekly, you guys are aces. Way to A.) tell a man he’s not invited to his own sister’s wedding while B.) essentially calling his new brother in law a dick. I mean, couldn’t you at least slipped it in there that Jessica Alba has the acting ability of a bowl of soup? Yeesh. Talk about sloppy reporting.

According to a source, they were married in the Beverly Hills courthouse's ceremony room under an arch of green silk foliage and white flowers. They were casually dressed, with Alba wearing a long blue dress and her hair back in a ponytail.

"She looked happy but nervous," the source says.

Warren, in a white shirt and brown pants, arrived with Alba at about 11:30 a.m. on Monday, applied for a marriage license and waited about 40 minutes for the paperwork to be processed before a staff member from the courthouse married them, the source says.

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Jessica Alba and Cash Warren apparently were married yesterday, according to People:

The couple quietly wed Monday, says her rep, Brad Cafarelli.
Alba, 27, is expecting a daughter with Warren, 31, this summer. The couple met while filming Fantastic Four and were engaged last December.

Quietly wed, huh? So does that mean no one talks through the whole service? Because that I like. And, shit, why stop there? How about no talking for the entire marriage? It’ll be a relationship built on love and head gestures. But sometimes crying when I specifically nodded for mustard and not mayo. C’mon!

The Superficial silently congratulates the happy couple.