Tony Romo is apparently the driving force behind Jessica Simpson’s already failed attempt to crossover to country music. While what small semblance of a music career she has left is being drowned in “twang,” Tony also wants to see his lady pack on the pounds, according to OK! Magazine:

Tony is also the first to boost Jess about her body! Jessica admits that she’s “packed on a few pounds but she doesn’t care,” the source tells OK!.
“She’s loving life and isn’t trying to be Daisy Duke. Besides, if Tony loves the way she looks, who is anyone else to complain?”

So, what? This is payback for all those football games he lost? C’mon, Tony Romo, that’s not cool. One day I might meet Jessica Simpson and seduce her with my funny stories Herculean pectorals. I don’t want to feel like it’s a “Gimme” because I ran into her at a Vegas buffet and quickly fashioned myself a necklace out of chicken wings. I’m a man who requires the thrill of the hunt. No, really, I always keep a blow gun handy. On a related note, I’m not allowed in the strip club anymore.

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Jessica Simpson is attempting to crossover into country music, and apparently, it’s not as easy as singing about your truck and beating your wife. Who knew? She gave her first “country” performance in Wisconsin and somehow escaped without getting a bottle of Bud jabbed in her eye. Kenosha News reports:

Many audience members found her attempt to crossover into country irritating and that her vocals lacked a southern sound.
“I just don’t hear the country in her; I don’t hear the twang. She’s not good enough to be here,” said Adam Matos, 21, from Arlington Heights, Ill.
One man summed her performance up in a single word.
“It’s crap,” said Ryan Sia, 28, from East Troy. “She doesn’t belong here.”

But Jessica Simpson tried her best to win the tough crowd over by making one of her trademark retard statements:

“I don’t know what your perception is of Jessica Simpson or what tabloid you buy, but I just want you to know that I’m just a girl from Texas; I’m just like you. I’m doing what I love and dating a boy,” Simpson said.

Note to Jessica Simpson: Probably not a good idea to tell a crowd full of roughnecks you’re just like them because you’re dating a boy. These guys like to keep that shit on the down low, if you know what I mean. (Read: I’m going to get my ass beat the next time I’m in Wisconsin. And I already bought tickets for the Curd Convention. Goddammit…)

Thanks to James who’s got the twang, ladies.

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Jessica Simpson and her sister Ashlee sunbathed on a yacht while watching Tony Romo perform in a golf tournament at Lake Tahoe. Meanwhile, below deck, Joe Simpson flushed the GPS down the toilet and cut the fuel lines. Best family vacation ever!

Watching Jessica Simpson fake it in Love Guru, all I have to say is she is no Meg Ryan. That and I feel for her boyfriends.

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Jessica Simpson’s breasts have been recognized as the best in Hollywood by InTouch Weekly. Surprisingly, I wasn’t consulted but I’m going to let the ruling stand because, well, boobs. Here’s their Top 10 list for your perusal. WARNING: It’s full of WTF?:

1. Jessica Simpson
2. Tyra Banks
3. Scarlett Johansson
4. Carmen Electra
5. Lindsay Lohan
6. Katherine Heigl
7. Audrina Patridge
8. Jennifer Aniston
9. Megan Fox
10. Beyoncé Knowles

I’ll let you guys debate the inclusion of some of the ladies on this list. I mean, Jennifer Aniston? We’re talking about breasts here not permanent nipple hardage for Chrissakes. This is what happens, InTouch, when you leave me out of the vetting process. I bet you didn’t even judge the candidates in a hot tub full of Jell-O, did you? Of course not. Dammit, does one believe in science anymore? What a sad state of affairs. I blame the video games.

NOTE:Added a photo montage of Jessica Simpson’s breasts over the past year along with her video for “These Boots Are Made for Walking” after the jump. You know, the one where she washes the General Lee in a bikini in the greatest act of patriotism since the time I threw an American flag at a French Fry this morning.

Jessica Simpson’s publicist probably framed the “Real Girls Love Meat” shirt because it is really pissing people off. Nobody important, of course, just PETA and now Pamela Anderson. She decided to use some choice words this weekend to describe Jessica on an Australian radio show. The Sun reports:

“I think she is a bitch and whore. Actually, I don’t know if she was talking about food or men.”

Knowing Jessica Simpson she was probably talking about Hot Wheels. Maybe these two should put aside their differences, and, I’m just spitballing ideas here, press their bare breasts together. You know, for the children - and world peace. Yeah, whatever I just said: Jujubes. They should really let me work at the U.N. I’ve got answers to stuff.

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Jessica Simpson’s “Real Girls Love Meat” shirt was allegedly aimed at Tony Romo’s ex Carrie Underwood who was PETA’s 2005 Sexiest Vegetarian. The pieces are adding up with OK! Magazine reporting that Jessica was recently confused for Carrie by a fan:

“She said she was her number-one fan from back in the Idol days,” an eyewitness tells OK!. “Jessica smiled politely and didn’t correct her, and she started to laugh when the girl asked how she was doing since her devastating split from Chace [Crawford].”

Although, it should be noted Jessica was only laughing because she requires all conversations to be in the form of sock puppet.

PETA has taken umbrage with Jessica Simpson’s T-shirt proclaiming “Real Girls Love Meat.” They decided to take the moral high ground and respond with a list of five reasons “Why only stupid girls brag about eating meat.” Sciencey! Here’s my personal favorite gem:

4. Meat will make you fat. All the saturated fat and cholesterol in chicken wings, pork chops, and steak eventually leads to flabby thighs and love handles. I hope the upcoming “Jessica Simpson’s Intimates” line comes in plus sizes! Going vegetarian is the best way to get slim and stay that way.

Jesus! “Eating meat will make you fat.” How superficial (Ha ha! The name of this site.). But, seriously, PETA left out a few other pitfalls of being a carnivore that warrant your attention. What can I say? I’m a helper:

1. Meat will cause the Lifetime channel to go off the air. Or, at the very least, cancel Army Wives.

2. Feeding your husband meat will lead him straight into the arms of another woman. Who’s totally that chick at your work who you’d be friends with if only she didn’t have the same purse. Bitch.

3. AIDS: It’s what for dinner - if you eat meat.

Jessica Simpson was spotted at LAX this weekend wearing a T-shirt that reads “Real Girls Eat Meat.” Ha, adorable. I also love funny T’s and whipped up one that I think she’ll love. It reads: “Jessica Simpson shouldn’t wear T-shirts. Or any clothing in the chest vicinity through the near to foreseeable future.” Catchy, I know. Now all I need is a sweatshop… Anyone getting bored with their kids?

Stifler, whose real name is apparently Sean William Scott (I had no idea.), addressed the Internet rumors about why there’s tension between him and Nick Lachey. Turns out Stifler and Jessica Simpson had what grown-up’s call a “special hug.” Here’s my brief transcribing of what he said to after the jump.

Joe Simpson gets a lot of flack for his involvement in his daughter’s lives whether it’s for selling photo rights of his unborn grandchild or trying to manage Tony Romo’s $67 million football contract. But ole Papa Simpson set the record straight with Us Weekly:

On rumors he controls his daughters:
“The media says that I try to plan everything - If I had half of the power they give me…They [Ashlee and Jessica] don’t call me and ask me. They call me and tell me.”

On Jessica and Tony Romo:
He adds that Jessica “… is as happy as I’ve seen her in years.” and gushes about the Dallas Cowboys quarterback, “He’s a great guy. I love Tony to death….He’s just a good kid….”

On Ashlee and Pete Wentz:
“I love Pete to death…He has a patient spirit and a kind heart…I’m honored to have Pete as my son-in-law.”

On his daughters’ breasts:
“They’re just great investments… I love them to death!”*

*Maybe possibly not an actual quote. But, if it sounds believable, then it’s gotta be true. Enjoy that journalistic nugget. On the house!

Photos: Flynet