Brody Jenner and Joe Francis got their respective panties in a bunch Wednesday night while clubbing at MyHouse. The altercation started when Joe ran into Brody’s girlfriend and apparently didn’t have the courtesy to ask to see her boobs…. …read full story

Kim Kardashian posted some pics from Sundance on her website, and scope out the dude with the beer. I take back everything I just said. I want this guy, nay, hero to be president. He’s got it figured out.

Joe Francis stopped by E!’s Hollywood Party Girl where he went off on Lindsay Lohan’s relationship with Samantha Ronson. He claims Sam is a jealous control freak and also has a gigantic penis. How else would she snare Lindsay? Considering the source of this claim is the genius who invented Girls Gone Wild, I believe it. Joe then went on to state what we all know is true: Lindsay is not a lesbian:

“Lindsay’s straight. I think Sam has taken ownership of Lindsay. I think if Sam were to let Lindsay go even that much; Lindsay would revert back to being straight.”

I think if Sam and Lindsay’s relationship ended in murder-suicide, I’d order a pizza. Too real? You’re right. Better make it Mexican.

Joe Francis continued his holy quest of everything good and righteous and nipplely by approaching model/reality star Brittny Gastineau last night outside of Crown Bar. I think I speak for all of us when I say “This man should be our president.” Not only would I campaign for Joe Francis, but I’d even consider putting on pants and going out to vote. Maybe. If there’s an Ice Road Truckers marathon on that day, I’m not making any promises. It’s trucks on ice, people!

EDIT: And, no, the irony that Brittny is standing on a street corner is not lost on me. Classy!

Ashley Dupre is currently suing Joe Francis for $10 million claiming she was tricked into filming for Girls Gone Wild. Being the saint that he is, and I wholeheartedly mean that, Joe put his $1 million offer back on the table for Ashley. All she has to do is tour with Girls Gone Wild and help promote their new magazine, according to NY Daily News:

“She should keep in mind it’s considerably more than the governor of New York paid her, and our activities aren’t illegal,” Joe Francis said.
He said Ashley Alexandra Dupré has “zero” chance of winning her lawsuit, adding that yesterday’s offer was not a ploy to get her to drop the suit.

To back up his claims that Ashley’s lawsuit is a lost cause, Joe Francis released a video today that shows her on camera giving her consent to Girls Gone Wild and was not “tricked,” as she claims:

In a video released Tuesday by Francis, Dupré appears covered by a terrycloth towel and gives her name as Amber Arpaio. An unseen questioner asks if she is 18.
“Yes, I am,” she says.
“Do you know what ‘Girls Gone Wild’ is?” the questioner asks.
“Yes, I do,” she replies with a laugh.
“Can I use this on ‘Girls Gone Wild’?” she is asked.
“Of course you can,” she answers.

Seriously, if I were Ashley Dupre I’d take Joe Francis’ offer. There’s not a lot of work out there for high-profile prostitute. I mean, except for high-profile prostituting. Which I hear is a decent living. She should really look into that. Maybe scope out the benefits package and see what kind of advancement opportunities they provide. Remember, kids, an informed employee is a good employee. And that’s one to grow on!

Thanks to James who thinks hookers deserve 401k’s too. He’s good people.

Ashley Alexandra Dupre, a.k.a. Eliot Spitzer’s whore, is suing Girls Gone Wild for 10 million smackers. Ashley had a fake ID saying she was 21 when Joe Francis found her and put her on tape. Since her recent notoriety from the Spitzer case, Joe has been making some decent scratch off of her name. Well, now, like most good hookers, Ashley wants her money, according to the AP:

Ashley Alexandra Dupre, 22, contended in the lawsuit that she was only 17 — too young to sign legally binding contracts — and drunk on spring break in 2003 when she agreed to be filmed for “Girls Gone Wild” in Miami Beach.
Dupre “did not understand the magnitude of her actions, nor that her image and likeness would be displayed in videos and DVDs,” says the lawsuit filed by Miami attorney Richard C. Wolfe.

When will people stop attacking Joe Francis? The man only wants to share drunk boobies with the world. I mean, when did it become okay to attack someone for doing the Lord’s work? I blame the Internet.*

*The Superficial.com excluded. We’re more like a holy sanctuary of chastity and purity than a website. No, really, I’m just quoting the Pope. Honest Injun.

Madonna unveiled this latest video yesterday for her new single “4 Minutes” featuring the lumber-based artistry of Justin Timberlake and Timberland. Justin provides the chorus that informs us that “We only got four minutes to save the world.” Which apparently can only be accomplished by dancing through the cosmetics aisle at Target. Huh, all this time I was getting down in Lawn & Garden with that freaky gnome and his prying eyes. Knock it off, Tom Cruise, or I’ll say your name backwards. Yeah, that’s what I thought.

NOTE: Madonna’s penis at the 2:50 mark. You’d think they would’ve edited that out while airbrushing the biceps of Thor.

Thanks to Lee and the crew at World Star Hip-Hop. You guys are tight like Prom night.

Surprise! Ashley Alexandra Dupre already flashed her boobs for Girls Gone Wild back in 2003. A prostitute got naked for Joe Franics? What are the odds? The AP reports:

“It’ll save me a million bucks,” Francis told The Associated Press on Tuesday. “It’s kind of like finding a winning lottery ticket in the cushions of your couch.”
He said his employees got to work on pulling the footage and planned to offer it on the Web site by Tuesday evening, with a free sampling on the front page and the rest available with a $29.95 monthly subscription.

Uh oh, no million bucks for Ashley. Let this be a lesson, ladies. Girls Gone Wild might seem like a good idea (Note: it’s the best idea.), but it could come back to bite you in the ass. You know, after you inevitably become a prostitute and have sex with middle-aged men who turn out to be elected officials. Then you can’t cash in because Joe Francis owns the right to your ta-ta’s. That’s just poor business planning. In between tricks, get yourself down to the community college and sit in on some classes. You might learn something and, please, there’s no need to thank me. Like Jesus I’m just here to help others - and maybe score a freebie.

Joe Francis is offering Gov. Spitzer’s $4,000 a month prostitute Ashley Alexandra Dupre $1 million to tell her side of the story and do a non-nude photo spread (Eh?) in his new magazine. She’d also go on tour with Girls Gone Wild. Us Magazine reports:

“Her face is on the cover of every newspaper in the country,” Francis said in a statement. “It’s clear that the public wants to see more of her. This is a serious offer and I hope she gets back to me right away.”

Us Magazine also says Ashley has made over $200,000 off her two tracks on Amie Street. Now she stands to rake in a cool mil. It’s almost like Ashley hit the jackpot. Or it hit her on the chin. I dunno, I’m not very good with metaphors. But hopefully I’m good at seducing certain Austrian governors then hitting the big bucks. Do you think Arnold’s into blondes or brunettes? What’s Maria Shriver? Besides the walking dead.

Joe Francis may have just gotten out of jail yesterday but he’s already back in his LA office making sure that drunk chicks are showing their boobs to guys with cameras. He’s got 50-60 heroes in 14 cities right now doing, what can only be described as, God’s work. Page Six has the details:

Unlike past years, when he’d hit beach resorts in Florida, Texas and Mexico to oversee the spring break filming, he’ll be in his office. “I’ve got a magazine to put out,” he explained. The first Girls Gone Wild magazine is due to hit newsstands April 15 at $9.99 a copy, poly-bagged with a full-length CD featuring drunken exhibitionist co-eds.

Hold on. It’s Spring Break, already? Why didn’t someone tell me? *strips* PARTY!! WOOOOOOO!!

Legal Notice: Anticlown Media would like to apologize for the traffic jam that resulted when The Superficial Writer pressed his naked body against the window of our building. None of us could have ever expected so many women would abandon their vehicles to try and form a “chick pyramid” to reach his body which was carved from the sexiest granite on the planet. Unfortunately they failed because it’s a scientific fact women can’t do geometry. There, jackass, I wrote it. Now please return my car and I hope to God you didn’t put your bare ass on my leather seats. I saw how much coffee you drank this morning.

Girls Gone Wild creator Joe Francis has settled his legal matters in Florida and is finally a free man. The boobies-obsessed Wunderkind will be back in Los Angeles sometime tonight, according to TMZ:

Francis has plead no contest to the charges of filming underage girls, and has been sentenced to time served. He will be on six months’ “non-reporting” probation, and “Girls Gone Wild” can’t film in the area for three years. Bay County, we’re told, will return Joe’s brand new Ferrari, and $60,000 that they confiscated from him last year.

The Superficial would like to celebrate Joe Francis: Pioneer, Grade A Asshole, and World Traveler. I like to believe him and I are cut from the same cloth. Except mine is made from old Star Wars sheets and Joe Francis’ is made from fine silk, gold and the pubic hair of drunk busty virgins God I hate him so much.