John Mayer decided to unleash a fury of words on some photographers following him around Saturday in New York. He’s tired of rumors that he cheated on Jennifer Aniston and/or didn’t want to impregnate her no matter how many times she threatened to “nipple his goddamn eyes out.” You might not see those exact words down below, but I’m 90% sure they’re what John Mayer really meant.. Us Magazine reports:

“If you guys are going to run stuff and run every lie under the sun, have somebody stand up for somebody. Have me as a man who ended a relationship stand here and write some truth. Have me stand up for somebody and write that Jennifer Aniston is the smartest, most sophisticated person I think I’ve ever met. She’s one of the most lovely people I’ve ever met in my life and I’m going through something that’s a very personal thing and you have to give that up. You have to give everything up because you can’t have it all and it sucks.
“I’m sorry that the story’s not interesting, but it’s about time that somebody stands up for that girl and I think she’s great.”
Mayer reflected on the situation as “the most normal thing in the world – There’s no lying, there’s no cheating. There’s no nothing.

John Mayer then flipped out on a reporter who asked if he was currently seeing anyone else:

“Why are you asking me that question? I’m being as honest as I can possibly can be,” he responded. “I ended a relationship because there is no lying. I ended a relationship to be alone because I don’t want to waste somebody’s time if something’s not right. I don’t waste people’s time.
“I don’t do ‘the taper,’” he continued. “I guarantee you [that] 20 percent of the people on this street right now who are in a relationship wish they could get out but they don’t know how. And I’m going to be honest on the way in to my relationships and I’m going to be honest on the way out of my relationships.”

Jesus, John Mayer, the guy was just asking a follow-up question. It’s sort of his job. Flipping out on him is like someone interrupting a show to ask why you’re singing songs that make them want to shove a flaming torch in their ear. We all got bills to pay. Now, if you’ll excuse me, my penis isn’t going to make jokes about itself.

John Mayer decided to unleash a fury of words on some photographers following him around Saturday in New York. He’s tired of rumors that he cheated on Jennifer Aniston and/or didn’t want to impregnate her no matter how many times she threatened to “nipple his goddamn eyes out.” You might not see those exact words down below, but I’m 90% sure they’re what John Mayer really meant.. Us Magazine reports:

“If you guys are going to run stuff and run every lie under the sun, have somebody stand up for somebody. Have me as a man who ended a relationship stand here and write some truth. Have me stand up for somebody and write that Jennifer Aniston is the smartest, most sophisticated person I think I’ve ever met. She’s one of the most lovely people I’ve ever met in my life and I’m going through something that’s a very personal thing and you have to give that up. You have to give everything up because you can’t have it all and it sucks.
“I’m sorry that the story’s not interesting, but it’s about time that somebody stands up for that girl and I think she’s great.”
Mayer reflected on the situation as “the most normal thing in the world – There’s no lying, there’s no cheating. There’s no nothing.

John Mayer then flipped out on a reporter who asked if he was currently seeing anyone else:

“Why are you asking me that question? I’m being as honest as I can possibly can be,” he responded. “I ended a relationship because there is no lying. I ended a relationship to be alone because I don’t want to waste somebody’s time if something’s not right. I don’t waste people’s time.
“I don’t do ‘the taper,’” he continued. “I guarantee you [that] 20 percent of the people on this street right now who are in a relationship wish they could get out but they don’t know how. And I’m going to be honest on the way in to my relationships and I’m going to be honest on the way out of my relationships.”

Jesus, John Mayer, the guy was just asking a follow-up question. It’s sort of his job. Flipping out on him is like someone interrupting a show to ask why you’re singing songs that make them want to shove a flaming torch in their ear. We all got bills to pay. Now, if you’ll excuse me, my penis isn’t going to make jokes about itself.

John Mayer decided to unleash a fury of words on some photographers following him around Saturday in New York. He’s tired of rumors that he cheated on Jennifer Aniston and/or didn’t want to impregnate her no matter how many times she threatened to “nipple his goddamn eyes out.” You might not see those exact words down below, but I’m 90% sure they’re what John Mayer really meant.. Us Magazine reports:

“If you guys are going to run stuff and run every lie under the sun, have somebody stand up for somebody. Have me as a man who ended a relationship stand here and write some truth. Have me stand up for somebody and write that Jennifer Aniston is the smartest, most sophisticated person I think I’ve ever met. She’s one of the most lovely people I’ve ever met in my life and I’m going through something that’s a very personal thing and you have to give that up. You have to give everything up because you can’t have it all and it sucks.
“I’m sorry that the story’s not interesting, but it’s about time that somebody stands up for that girl and I think she’s great.”
Mayer reflected on the situation as “the most normal thing in the world – There’s no lying, there’s no cheating. There’s no nothing.

John Mayer then flipped out on a reporter who asked if he was currently seeing anyone else:

“Why are you asking me that question? I’m being as honest as I can possibly can be,” he responded. “I ended a relationship because there is no lying. I ended a relationship to be alone because I don’t want to waste somebody’s time if something’s not right. I don’t waste people’s time.
“I don’t do ‘the taper,’” he continued. “I guarantee you [that] 20 percent of the people on this street right now who are in a relationship wish they could get out but they don’t know how. And I’m going to be honest on the way in to my relationships and I’m going to be honest on the way out of my relationships.”

Jesus, John Mayer, the guy was just asking a follow-up question. It’s sort of his job. Flipping out on him is like someone interrupting a show to ask why you’re singing songs that make them want to shove a flaming torch in their ear. We all got bills to pay. Now, if you’ll excuse me, my penis isn’t going to make jokes about itself.

While conventional wisdom suggests that John Mayer hightailed it out of his relationship with Jennifer Aniston when it became known she wants kids, it turns out he has a “roving eye/wang” which prompted her to eject him from the magical land of constantly erect nipples. The Chicago Sun-Times reports:

Apparently, Aniston gave Mayer a “three strikes and you’re out” ultimatum — after learning about his “quickie” flings with a cocktail waitress and a promoter’s assistant for his concert tour.
That was two strikes. Another dalliance, with a groupie, was the final straw for Aniston.
A longtime major Hollywood studio exec — and good Aniston buddy — adds this: “Above everything else, Jennifer is looking for stability and loyalty in a relationship. She still is hurting from losing Brad [Pitt] to Angelina [Jolie] — even after all this time.”

I have a bit of a wandering penis myself. Except he doesn’t so much as wander as burn through my frequent flier miles. He’ll come home and when I ask if he at least got some, he’ll act all aloof and say “Oh, yeah, sure.” When I know he just sat at some airport bar reading a James Patterson novel. God, what a dick.

Jennifer Aniston and John Mayer are “taking a break.” Apparently, John hit the brakes after all the baby talk. I guess nobody informed Jennifer Aniston that telling a dude you’ve only been dating for a few months you want kids is kind of a turn off. Don’t be surprised if John schedules an emergency vasectomy and flees to France. At least that’s how I roll. By the way, Oui! Oui! Ow, my stitches… Us Weekly reports:

“It is really a cooling-off, not this big, dramatic breakup,” a mutual pal tells Us Weekly in its latest issue, on newsstands now. “These are mature people who talk about things maturely,” the pal says. “It’s just slowed down. Who’s to say where it will end up, but now he has a lot going on.”
Another source counters: “If she said she wants kids and he’s not ready, that’s not being needy. It’s being honest.”

Since she got dumped on her ass, I’ve decided to help Jennifer Aniston with the healing process by posting pics of her wearing super-tight pants yesterday. I can’t help myself; I care too much. Now I know what you’re thinking: “Why so many shots from behind?” All I’m saying is “Why so many shots from the front?” I just slapped you silly with logic. You’re welcome.

Jennifer Aniston’s biological clock kicked into overdrive this week after seeing Brad Pitt in People magazine with his gaggle of kids. Apparently, she’s ready to let her uterus be a vessel for John Mayer’s offspring and prove she’s not a barren witch that lives in a gingerbread house. It’s made of graham crackers. Star reports.

The 39-year-old actress feels that after all she has been through watching Brad and Angie’s family grow, she’d love Brad to see photos of her holding her own baby and show him she’s not the self-centered girl he had made her out to be.
“It’s my turn now,” she told a friend. And Jen believes the rocker is perfect daddy material.
“Jen feels so strongly that John is ‘the one,’ ” says a source. “She knows he can handle being a dad.”

Nothing like having a child out of spite. Because that’ll really teach Angelina Jolie a lesson and not fuck the kid up for life. Then again, Jennifer Aniston with prego boobs? Hmm…. The Superficial wishes John and Jennifer the best of luck in their endeavor and would like to point out you can’t get pregnant reading this site (yet), so get crackin’. And, John, no showboating; this is serious business, so it’d probably be best if you left your guitar in its case. The harmonica too.

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Pete Wentz stopped by John Mayer’s house yesterday to do some jamming. They also played guitar. Hi-OH! Anyway, two observations on our boy Pete here: 1. Was it really necessary to bring his own yogurt? John Mayer’s rich. I’m sure he’s got some Yoplait, or a butler that can drive to the store. 2. Didn’t Pete just get married? Shouldn’t he being home having worry-free newlywed sex with Ashlee Simpson? I mean, she can’t get pregnant twice. Can she? Please say “no,” or I need to stop hanging around the gynecologist’s office. And possibly move to Phoenix - tonight.

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While John Mayer is allegedly wielding a Herculean wang, that doesn’t stop him from finding other ways to satisfy the ladies. Apparently he carries around an arsenal of sexy gadgets in his man-purse. Check out this report from Star on the action Jennifer Aniston is getting:

She is having the best sex of her life with John,” a source close to the actress tells Star, “and she’s loving every minute of it.”
According to the source, the singer covers her with whipped cream, which he licks off, tickles her with feathers and uses ice cubes to give her goosebumps.
“John also likes to keep things interesting with games like role playing, which is new for Jen,” says the source. “She was a little resistant at first, but now you couldn’t wipe the smile off her face if you tried.”
Another source who has slept with John agrees he knows how to have a good time between the sheets. “He was kinky and liked trying crazy positions. He loved sex and wanted it all the time.”

Role-playing, huh? I wonder how many times they argue over who gets to be Ross….

At long last the mystery of why the hell Jennifer Aniston is dating John Mayer has been solved: He’s got a monster wang. NY Daily News reports on this shocking development:

“She’s just so happy and giggly. It is completely out of character,” said one spy.
The reason can’t just be that she is dating John Mayer. No one is that happy with Jessica Simpson’s sloppy seconds. What we hear is there is a certain feature of John that leaves Jen so pleased. The crooner’s ex-paramours reveal he is hell to get over, not because he’s a great guy, but because he’s a “great” guy, if you know what we mean.
“His body actually is a wonderland,” one ex was overheard saying.

I know what some of you are saying: “John Mayer has sex with Jennifer Aniston, millions of dollars and he’s hung like Trogdor. How can you not be jealous?” To those particular people, all I have to say is, Didn’t I send you out for a John Mayer mask and wiener pills an hour ago? What’s the hold up?

NOTE: Pics link to previous post of Jennifer Aniston’s ass as seen from helicopters, tall buildings and this guy’s camera before he fell out of a palm tree. You died not in vain, sir.

Filed under: Cellphones

See how easy it is everyone? All that’s required to snag a BlackBerry Bold well before its public release is to become a Grammy award-winning artist, sell out shows worldwide, date a smattering of superstars and convince Fender to create and sell your own branded guitar. While you’re off working on step one, John Mayer is living it up with his brand new BlackBerry Bold. Granted, he can’t claim to be the very first with said handset, but it’s likely the first completely legitimate edition let loose. Of course, once you’ve landed the Curve and MacBook Air before everyone else on the planet, snagging a Bold is just child’s play.

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Before you guys start hurling the typical comments of “OMGZ Old!”; “I saw these on blah blah blah yesterday.”; and, the always stinging “You’re a marshmallow!”, scope out the angle on these pics. Sure, I posted similar shots on Monday, but not with the God’s view of Jennifer Aniston’s badonker in this recent batch. So that said, just look at the pretty pictures before I come into your house and knock shit over. Starting with your precious Hummels. KERPLOW! Then your Star Wars action figures. HI-YAH! And, finally, your Hannah Montana posters. WICK-A-POW! Wait. This is my house. Goddammit.

Jessica Simpson can’t handle her ex John Mayer hooking up with Jennifer Aniston. So, in a move that suggests a surprising form of intelligence, Jessica drank all the liquor she could get her big-breasted hands on. Nice! Us Magazine reports:

The 27-year-old singer was so out of it after a four-hour session of drinking at L.A.’s Mexicali Cocina Cantina on May 10 – which started at the pre-happy hour of 4 p.m. with BFF CaCee Cobb and her beau Donald Faison – that she was reduced to leaving her Range Rover in the parking lot and calling her mom Tina for a ride home, Us reports (for good measure, CaCee Cobb threw up under the table); that same night, Us Weekly also reports that beau Tony Romo partied solo in Chicago and was overheard telling friends he was single again.

Okay, Jessica Simpson has a smoking body and drinks like a Fish (!). Holy shit, I couldn’t be more in love right now. And not just because of the ecstasy. Now excuse me while I hug all my co-workers starting with The Geekologie Writer who, dammit, just saw me coming and jumped out the window. Aww
NOTE: Photos link to a catty tale of Tony Romo dumping Jessica before he tries to bang half of Chicago. Quasi-true story.

Jennifer Aniston and John Mayer spent some time at the pool over the weekend in Miami. After seeing these photos and remembering what I’ve seen of Friends, I have to ask: Is Jennifer Aniston’s turkey always done? And, if so, why has she not been commended for such? I’m not talking anything fancy. Maybe just a Nobel Peace Prize and/or her face chest carved into Mt. Rushmore. I guess I’m a sucker for seeing the fairer sex receive their well-earned recognition. Also, they make better sandwiches when they’re happy. That’s science.

John Mayer got together with the folks over at FunnyOrDie.com to make a video that takes us behind the scenes of his song-writing process. And, here’s the kicker, it’s pretty fucking funny. Don’t get me wrong. John Mayer’s music still makes me want to eat a live grenade, but I actually started to like him as a person. I’m even willing to forgive that he’s able to score a chick like Jennifer Aniston. And, oh wait, the peyote’s wearing off. Where am I? Who typed these words? What happened to Lion-O from Thundercats? I could’ve sworn he was sitting right here next to me.

Thanks to Laura for making me realize John Mayer deserves to live - for now….

Here’s photographic proof that John Mayer and Jennifer Aniston are, indeed, romantically involved. I don’t know how the guy does it. I mean, roofies eventually wear off, right? I keep trying to get chicks at the bar to drop one in my drink and take advantage of me. But so far no dice. Except for that one girl who took me up on my offer then stole my car, wallet and everything not nailed down in my house. Which means my case of beer and Star Wars action figures are safe. How could I live with you, Yoda with a giant nail through his face?

Joel Madden posted Fall Out Boys’ new video for Beat It featuring John Mayer and in his message he revealed his man crush on him!
But seriously how cool would it be if Good Charlotte, Fall Out Boy and John Mayer all collaborated on song together?

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When John Mayer blogs, the world listens. This time around he shares with us a deep passion for obtaining the perfect 80s-style feathered hairdo. As a die-hard user of Aqua-Net myself, I can’t fault John on his quest for radicalness. And now the immortal words of John Mayer:

Today I set off on my newest project; to grow and maintain an authentic ’80s style feathered haircut. It’s something I’ve wanted to do for some time and I’m very excited to bring this amazing look into today’s pop culture landscape. The feathered cut projects an attitude of ease and quiet confidence that seems to have all but eluded our generation.
This is a work in progress, and as my hair grows longer it will serve to become a more stirring and poignant statement.

I find it best to look at the pics I included while listening to “Broken Wings” by Mr. Mister:

Take these broken wings
And learn to fly again, learn to live so free
When we hear the voices sing
The book of love will open and let us in
Take these broken wings

Yeah, all that stuff. Fly, fly, Mr. Mayer. Fly, fly…