Ladies and Gentleman, Barack H. Obama: The nation’s first African-American president!

An historic moment that none of us will ever forget.

The Superficial will return to its regularly scheduled chicanery tomorrow. But goddamn what a night.

EDIT: Just hell fucking yeah! I’m sorry, but this is a day a lot of people never thought they’d see. I might be a guy who cracks jokes about his penis and loves breasts more than life itself, but what a monumental moment for America. Just incredible. You may now fire away at my political views because, shit, that’s just another reason this country is awesome. Freedom of speech. G’night, guys!

Before we dive into today’s posting, did everyone remember to set your clock backs? If you didn’t, congratulations, you can smoke/drink/pray to the Baby Jesus your face off for another hour because you’re ahead of the game!
The Superficial: We’re Like a Freakin’ National Treasure Over Here.

Senator John McCain stopped by Saturday Night Live last night and has to know he lost this thing. He did a QVC infomercial with Tina Fey’s Sarah Palin and this sketch had everything: Joe Biden, William Ayers, Cindy McCain (The real one!) and the infamous “Rogue Sarah.” Give it a watch then try not to build a time machine so you can jump ahead to Wednesday before you jab yourself in the eye with a lapel pin. In the meantime, I need to see a man about a flux capacitor.

UPDATE: It was a shoe. Never trust the homeless.

To all the readers who thought Spencer Pratt is gay, give yourselves a big ol’ pat on the back. Turns out that, despite their staunch Republican upbringing, Heidi and Spencer are huge supporters of same-sex marriage. Especially Spencer. The guy loves it (I mean, LOVES it) and couldn’t help but share his feelings with E! News:

“I think it’s your own choice,” Montag said last night at the opening of Svedka presents Hollywood, DC: Lights! Camera! Election!, an art show at the World of Wonder Storefront Gallery in Hollywood. “I think, you know, whoever you decide to marry—boys, girls, whatever you like—it’s up to you.”
Pratt credits his girlfriend’s glam squad with his open-mindedness. “Heidi’s hair and makeup people are my favorite people in the world and they happen to be gay,” he said. “So if they wanna go marry each other, good for them.”

But don’t worry; they’re still huge supporters of John McCain who, surprisingly, hasn’t locked these two in Guantanamo Bay before he dives even further in the polls (There’s still time, Senator. Maverick their asses!):

They don’t think Colin Powell’s endorsement of Barack Obama will hurt Sen. McCain. “I think McCain is strong and great,” Montag cooed. “And, you know, who needs Colin Powell?”

Heidi Montag: a vapid, mountain of chin and funbags dismissing the career of Colin Powell. Only in America, folks. In the meantime, I included just one pic of Spencer on this post and the rest are all Heidi - which I now realize is like putting a birthday hat on a tumor: Cute, but what the fuck?

Video after the jump.

Hayden Panettiere, who claims she’s “hot enough to get your attention for 30 seconds,” gives a fake profanity-laden endorsement for John McCain in this FunnyOrDie video that’s 99% Die. Okay, listen, I’m liberal as they come, but for the love of God, knock this shit off. It’s not cute. It’s definitely not funny. And you probably just convinced a bunch of rednecks they’re going to literally get “fucked” by voting for McCain. As if these avid gun enthusiasts weren’t going to be pissed off enough if Obama wins, you’ve added blue balls to the equation. How can that go wrong? Fortunately, it’s been a lifelong dream of mine to get shot at my local Arby’s. Thanks, Hayden!

Paris Hilton is continuing her cute, little “presidential campaign” in the latest issue of Harper’s Bazaar. When she’s not shilling for Rock Band 2 (Gotta love those MTV contracts), Paris had some friendly advice for a certain vice-presidential candidate:

My advice to Sarah Palin is, you’ve got a hot bod; don’t keep it to yourself. Why wear a pantsuit when you can wear a swimsuit? Welcome to the Lower 48, girlfriend.

With their candidate down in the polls, you know someone in the McCain campaign just read this and went “Hmm. Maybe…” Unfortunately, that person was John McCain who collapsed shortly thereafter from a condition known as “old guy boner.” It happens.

NOTE: Take part in democracy by weighing in on the Paris Hilton vs. Heidi & Spencer debate going on now which is truly the greatest issue facing our country today. (Next to that economy thing.)

Last night the Vice Presidential Debate took place between Republican Governor Sarah Palin and Democratic Senator Joe Biden. If you don’t know who these people are, please engage in activities with a high risk of infertility. Anyway, consider this post an open thread/romper room to get your politics on and sound off about the debate. In the meantime, I’ll be trying to salvage my eardrums which feel like they’ve been raped by Marge Gunderson from Fargo.

Oh, and who do I think won? How about I answer a completely different question instead? Waffles.*

*Didn’t get the joke? Don’t worry; I’ll post about Britney soon.

Before she was Alaska Governor Sarah Palin, she was Sarah Heath, aspiring model. By ridiculous request, here’s the video of Sarah during the swimsuit competition portion of the 1984 Miss Alaska Beauty Pageant. While 80’s hair and one-piece bathing suits don’t exactly raise my flag, I’ll admit the governor does have an ass on her. On that note, I should probably watch what I say before my words end up in a campaign ad:

Even fancy liberals with their magic Internet boxes agree: One half of McCain/Palin will bring much needed badonkadonk to Washington.

“I’ll admit the governor does have an ass on her.” - The Superficial, 9/29/2008

McCain/Palin: Oops, I dropped my pen…

Sarah Silverman endorses Democratic Presidential candidate Barack Obama in this video that encourages her fellow Jews to blackmail their Florida-residing grandparents into voting for Obama. I posted it because I know how much you guys love when celebrities talk about politics. It’s your favorite
NOTE: Video is NSFW due to language such as fuck, shit, damn and brisket.

Filed under: Cellphones

Politics aside, we’re totally cracking up that McCain policy adviser Douglas Holtz-Eaken told reporters today that his BlackBerry was “the miracle that John McCain helped create” — dude, BlackBerrys are Canadian.

[Via Wonkette, thanks to everyone who sent this in]

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Lindsay Lohan continues to politically blog and this time takes Sarah Palin to task for her views on homosexuality. Lindsay also uses her MySpace blog to endorse Barack Obama who I’m willing to bet money heard the news and responded with “Aw hell no.”:

I really cannot bite my tongue anymore when it comes to Sarah Palin.
I couldn’t be more supportive of a woman in office, but let’s face it, it comes down to the person, and their beliefs, male or female.
Is it a sin to be gay? Should it be a sin to be straight? Or to use birth control? Or to have sex before marriage? Or even to have a child out of wedlock?
I find it quite interesting that a woman who now is running to be second in command of the United States, only 4 years ago had aspirations to be a television anchor. Which is probably all she is qualified to be… Also interesting that she got her passport in 2006.. And that she is not fond of environmental protection considering she’s FOR drilling for oil in some of our protected land…. Well hey, if she wants to drill for oil, she should DO IT IN HER OWN backyard. This really shows me her complete lack of real preparation to become the second most powerful person in this country.
Hmmmm-All of this gets me going-Fear, Anxiety, Concern, Disappointment, and Stress come into play…
Is our country so divided that the Republicans best hope is a narrow minded, media obsessed homophobe?
I know that the most important thing about this election is that people need to exercise their right to vote, regardless of their choice… I would have liked to have remained impartial, however I am afraid that the “lipstick on a pig” comments will overshadow the issues and the fact that I believe Barack Obama is the best choice, in this election, for president…
Palin’s Desire to “save and convert the gays”-really??
I feel it’s necessary for me to clarify that I am not against Sarah Palin as a mother or woman.
Women have come a long way in the fight to have the choice over what we do with our bodies… And its frightening to see that a woman in 2008 would negate all of that.
Oh, and…Hint Hint Pali Pal- Don’t pose for anymore tabloid covers, you’re not a celebrity, you’re running for office to represent our, your, my COUNTRY!
And in the words of Pamela Anderson, “She can suck it”..
Lindsay- “I have faith that this country will be all that it can be with the proper guidance. I really hope that all of you make your decisions based on the facts and what feels right to you in your heart-vote for obama!”
Samantha- “I love this country- however i wasn’t born here and don’t have the right to vote- so i beg of you all to really do your research and be educated when you cast your vote this coming november…. and if you’re in doubt- vote for obama! Mainly because if she gets elected my green card probably won’t get renewed!!!”

Let me get this straight: If John McCain wins, Samantha Ronson will be deported, and I won’t have to see Man-Thing and Boobzilla again? Shit. Now I’m really torn. What are the candidates’ stances on penis jokes? Breasts? BIKINIS?! Dammit, somebody get me a brochure! This truly is the most important election of our time…

Anne Hathaway’s ex Raffaello Follieri pled guilty yesterday to fraud after he pretended to be a CFO for the Vatican and bilked investors out of money. Today, he began repaying the government as part of his plea bargain and - wait a minute - who’s that guy in the purple hat? He looks familiar and possibly dying. Why it’s Republican presidential candidate John McCain! Ha ha ha, what in the hell? The Nation explains:

The photograph substantiates reports that in late August, 2006, McCain celebrated his 70th birthday aboard a yacht, the Celine Ashley, rented by A-list con man Raffaello Follieri and his then-movie star girlfriend Anne Hathaway…. McCain is shown boarding the yacht ramp towards the smiling Follieri and Hathaway. Just ahead of McCain and shaking hands with Follieri appears to be Rick Davis–McCain’s top aide and now co-manager of his campaign, who accompanied him on the trip and advised the government of Montenegro. A few months after McCain’s yacht party, Follieri strengthened his ties to McCain’s orbit by retaining Rick Davis’s well-connected Washington lobbying firm, Davis Manafort, and offering Davis both an investment deal and help in securing the Catholic vote for McCain’s presidential bid.

For the record, my sources inform me there’s absolutely nothing scandalous going on here at all, folks. John McCain just loves him some Princess Diaries. Not a fan of the sequel though. Upsets his angina.

Thanks to Ben for recognizing this site is a haven of intellectual debate - and jokes about my penis. Frankly, I don’t see how you can have one without the other.

Gina Gershon stars in a spoof campaign video released today for McCain running mate Governor Sarah Palin. If you haven’t seen it, I don’t want to give away the ending but Gina Gershon strips down to a bikini and fires a shotgun. Somebody get this woman an Oscar. All of them. In the meantime, I wrote a blurb for the DVD cover:

“I laughed till I cried. Then I laughed some more - followed by more crying then laughing. Then I did what I call a ‘cry-augh.’ At which point I felt confident my co-workers couldn’t figure out I was masturbating.” - The Superficial Writer

Matt Damon basically Jason Bourne’d Governor Sarah Palin in the face today while in Toronto promoting ONEXONE a Canadian children’s charity. His major concern seems to be what happens when John McCain kicks the bucket in office if the Republicans win?:

“You do the actuary tables, there’s a one out of three chance, if not more, that McCain doesn’t survive his first term, and it’ll be President Palin. It’s like a really bad Disney movie, “The Hockey Mom.’ Oh, I’m just a hockey mom from Alaska, and she’s president. “She’s facing down Vladimir Putin and using the folksy stuff she learned at the hockey rink. It’s absurd.”

I… uh… wow. Okay, guys, try not to completely light the comment board on fire then piss on it. Otherwise, how else will I know how you truly feel about Kim Kardashian’s ass? See? I care about the issues.

British comedian Russell Brand has been asked to host the 2009 MTV Video Music Awards after giving the network a 20% ratings bump over last year’s show. However, he’s reluctant to accept after MTV censored some of his jokes aimed at Republican presidential candidate John McCain. Russell sat down with The Sun to talk about his experience:

On the gravity of hosting the VMAs:
“The VMAs are the hardest thing I have ever done and I will think very carefully before accepting their kind offer of doing it again. I spent a lot of time suppressing the urge to scream a career- ending remark during the show. The knowledge that you could say something that would make the world go nuts was difficult.”

On being censored:
But incredibly the script we heard was the clean version after MTV insisted he scrap some of his bravest gags. He revealed: “I had JOHN McCAIN gags pulled. And they asked me to tone down the gags about SARAH PALIN.”

On what he couldn’t say about Sarah Palin:
“I wanted to say she was forcing her teenage daughter to have a baby because she is so anti-abortion. But also, as a Republican, she is pro-execution so she is going to give her the electric chair for being a little sl*t. They weren’t keen on that one.”

Somewhere Bill O’Reilly just fell in love with MTV. Unfortunately, he can’t do anything with that love until Rush Limbaugh gets back with the Mexican Viagra. Life’s a bitch sometimes.

Nobody knows more than Jamie Lynn Spears about being a teenager in the public spotlight while you’re carrying the child of your retarded redneck lover. In an act of support, Jamie Lynn sent a baby gift to Bristol Palin the pregnant 17-year-old daughter of Alaska Governor Sarah Palin. CelebTV.com reports:

A source close to the Beverly Hills baby store Petit Tresor tells CelebTV.com exclusively that a gift from Plain Mary was sent to Bristol Palin on behalf of Jamie Lynn Spears.
An insider says it was actually Lynne Spears, Jamie Lynn’s mom, who called about the gift, and requested the gift come from her daughter.
“It was ordered by phone, and they asked what could be done for under $100. They spent $60 on pink burpcloths,” said the source.

Meanwhile, John McCain’s campaign manager just realized they’ve been endorsed by the Spears’ family. He was last seen shoving a live grenade in his mouth.

Taking time off from having gross lesbian sex with Samantha Ronson, Lindsay Lohan threw her hat into the political spectrum today by using her MySpace blog to tackle the pervasive topic of Bristol Palin’s pregnancy. I guess even Lindsay Lohan needs site traffic too. Then again, she could just buy a webcam. Just sayin’:

I’ve been watching the news all morning, like everyone else - and i keep hearing about the issues related to ‘teen pregnancy’- It’s all related to Sarah Palin and her 17 year old unmarried pregnant daughter. Well, I think the real problem comes from the fact that we are taking the focus off of getting to know Sarah Palin and her political views, and what she can do to make our country a less destructive place. Its distracting from the real issues, the real everyday problems that this country experiences.
I am concerned with the fact that Sarah Palin brought the attention to her daughter’s pregnancy, rather than all world issues and what she believes she could possibly do to change them-if elected. I get Sarah Palin’s views against abortion, but i would much prefer to hear more about what she can do for our country rather than how her daughter is going to have a child no matter what…..
On another note-the last note- i heard a woman say on TODAY on NBC that teens are feeling as if they have to grow up faster. Really? Because, i think that girls that are CHOOSING to be sexually active and are making a conscious decision to grow up faster….. I think that parents need to recognize how important it is to talk to their children about the things that can result from being sexually active if they aren’t protecting themselves (birth control, condoms, etc.)
So-those are my thoughts for the day. Enjoy the music xoxo

Say what you will, but if there’s anyone who knows how to have tons of sex and not get pregnant, it’s Lindsay Lohan. Of course her secret was snorting all the coke in L.A. thus turning her ovary into a dried prune by 19, but hey, no babies. And that’s one to grow on!

Well, it was only a matter of time until they found the guy who knocked up Bristol Palin the 17-year-old daughter of John McCain’s running mate Sarah Palin. And, boy, is this kid amazing. Meet future shotgun groom Levi Johnston (above) who, in a triumph of the human spirit, makes Casey Aldridge and Kevin Federline look they should be on the space program. The New York Post has the details:

On a MySpace page subsequently taken down, Johnston boasts, “I’m a fuckin’ redneck” who likes to snowboard and ride dirt bikes.
“But I live to play hockey. I like to go camping and hang out with the boys, do some fishing, shoot some shit and just fuckin’ chillin’ I guess.”
“Ya fuck with me I’ll kick [your] ass,” he added.
He also claims to be “in a relationship,” but states, “I don’t want kids.”

Wow. Am I the only one who hopes this kid never stops reproducing? Show of hands.

The 17-year-old daughter of John McCain’s running mate Sarah Palin (a.k.a. Governor MILFalicious) is reportedly five months pregnant. The McCain campaign revealed the news to rebut rampant rumors that Governor Palin’s infant son is actually her grandson and she faked her pregnancy to protect her daughter Bristol. You seriously just read all that, and I’m now 90% positive John McCain’s research involved picking this woman’s name out of of a hat. Reuters reports:

The Palins, in a statement released by the McCain campaign, said Bristol “came to us with news that we as parents knew would make her grow up faster than we had ever planned” and that their daughter “has our unconditional love and support.”
“We ask the media to respect our daughter and Levi’s privacy as has always been the tradition of children of candidates,” their statement said.
Senior McCain campaign officials said McCain knew of the daughter’s pregnancy when he selected Palin last week as his vice presidential running mate, deciding that it did not disqualify the 44-year-old governor in any way.

I know the knee-jerk reaction will be to point out the hypocrisy of Governor Palin’s faith-based public views on supporting abstinence-only education and overturning Roe v. Wade. But let’s not lose sight of the real issue. Which is Sarah Palin shot a moose.

It’s a Friday before a holiday weekend, so what the hell? Let’s talk about John McCain (Hey, he’s a celebrity too!) and his sans penis vice presidential pick today: Alaskan governor Sarah Palin. Here’s the word from Reuters:

Palin, 44, a self-described “hockey mom,” is a conservative first-term governor of Alaska with strong anti-abortion views, a record of reform and fiscal conservatism and an outsider’s perspective on Washington.
“She’s exactly who I need. She’s exactly who this country needs to help me fight the same old Washington politics of me first and country second,” McCain told a roaring crowd of 15,000 supporters in Dayton, Ohio.

So what do you think: Awesome? Bad? We’re straight fucked? She looks like Tina Fey? Cheap political ploy? Where’s Alaska? I’d hit it? I’ll let you guys handle the deep intellectual discourse. And people say this site isn’t informative. In your face, entire mainstream media!

First, the world waited to see the first photos of Angelina Jolie’s newborn twins. Now, we wait to see who she’ll endorse to be President of the United States. My God, how much power does this woman have? How do we know her breasts aren’t intergalactic weapons of doom that will enslave us all? You don’t see Hannity & Colmes tackling that issue. For the record, I volunteer myself to investigate. Wilshire & Washington reports:

“I have not decided on a candidate,” Jolie says, “I am waiting to see the commitments they will make on issues like international justice, refugees and how to address the needs of children in crisis around the world.”
Unlike many other celebrity endorsements, Jolie’s carries the weight and influence of her extensive humanitarian work around the world, as the goodwill ambassador for the United Nations High Commissioner for Refugees. Her statement was an indication that she would be open to choosing a candidate.

Yeah, all that stuff. But who is Angelina leaning towards? Turns out it’s a toss-up:

In June, when Entertainment Weekly asked her whether she talked politics with Clint Eastwood, a longtime Republican, on the set of the upcoming movie, “The Changeling,” she said, “Actually, we don’t disagree as much as you’d think. I think people assume I’m a Democrat. But I’m registered independent and I’m still undecided. So I’m looking at McCain as well as Obama.”

To put things into perspective: Angelina Jolie’s father Jon Voight wrote an op-ed piece for the Washington Times essentially claiming Barack Obama would turn America into Louis Farrakhan Land and enslave the white race. So, for all you political junkies out there, look for Angelina to endorse whichever candidate has a firm stance on kicking your old man down the stairs when he forgets his pills. (Psst. Probably not McCain.)