Ever since her new video for “Keeps Gettin’ Better” debuted it’s become abundantly clear that Christina Aguilera isn’t dropping the baby weight anytime soon, and she’s apparently finding creative ways to mask that fact. For instance, last night Christina wore the bottom half of a Darth Vader costume then walked around with a mole creature. Clever girl, but you’ll have to get up pretty early in the morning to pull one over on me. And would it kill you to make some coffee?

NOTE: Wait a minute. Didn’t she used to have breasts?

Christina Aguilera and her husband Jordan Bratman took the big guns out for dinner at L’Atelier de Joel Robuchon restaurant in London last night. I love how Jordan’s wearing his little tux. Goddamn adorable.

JORDAN: PEW PEW PEW! I just shot that guy with my cufflink darts.
CHRISTINA: That’s nice, dear.
JORDAN: I can do that because I’m Commander James Bond, and my double “O” status with the British Secret Service allows me to kill at my discretio - why are you rubbing that waiter’s face in your breasts?
CHRISTINA: Who made sure you didn’t die a virgin?
JORDAN: Fair enough. Oh no, my salad’s working for the KGB. PEW PEW PEW!

Christina Aguilera (Above urging you to vote or else Max Liron eats Stars N’ Stripe. Christ, I’ll do it, lady!) defended herself against critics of her nights out to the club. I mean, you try spending 24/7 with Jordan Bratman. Hour after hour of him wearing a wizard hat and playing Oblivion. It would drive Mother Teresa to knock back Jell-O shots. But, of course, Christina paints a different, almost believable picture to Access Hollywood. I KNOW YOUR SECRETS!:

“I spend all day with my son and once in a while if I want to go out and have a mommy-daddy night with my husband, I am more than allowed to do that,” Christina told Access Hollywood.
“They never air [footage] of the paparazzi actually pulling up beside my husband and being like, ‘When is she going to leave the house? I have been trying to get a picture of her for weeks.’”

Dude, she’s lying. The paparazzi talking to Jordan Bratman? Riiiight. I’m pretty sure the paps don’t speak Mole People. I mean, c’mon. Anyone whose mastered the language would be halfway to the Earth’s core by now. Why? For the Mole Gold, genius. Jesus, what do they teach you kids in school these days?

Christina Aguilera is ready for Baby #2 and plans to turn her uterus into a Sasquatch distribution center, according to The Sun:

When asked if she wants more babies, Christina replied: “Yes, absolutely. Absolutely! Motherhood comes very naturally to me. I think a whole new confidence comes with being a mother. I feel very confident and very sexy as a mother.”

And it’s official: Jordan Bratman’s penis shoots not only sperm but diamond-crusted solid gold bars that also fucntion as a Wii. Ha ha! I knew it! Who’s the crazy one now, field of medicine?

Admittedly, I give Us Weekly a lot of shit, but every once in a while they come across an exclusive that knocks my socks (and pants) off. This time the crack reporters have the inside scoop on Christina Aguilera’s bra size. I tried to beat them to the punch, but Xtina’s team took evasive action - by sending Jordan Bratman out to talk to me for five hours about why Kyle Raynor is just as cool as Hal Jordan. (Note: He’s not. Please kill me.) Anyway, here’s the exclusive details on Christina’s jug straps:

In the interview, she also finally addresses the famous growth in her chest that came from breastfeeding.
“It’s kind of hilarious! I’ve never fit into an E-cup before,” she tells Us. “I look at my husband and go, ‘Guess what size this bra is?’ And when I tell him, he’s just amazed. We keep the tags that prove it, to look back for memory’s sake!”

Other things that Jordan Bratman is amazed by:

1. A real live girl actually touched his ding-dong - and he didn’t get cooties.
2. Guillermo Del Toro is directing the Hobbit ZOMG!!
3. That magic lamp he found did have a genie it. Sure, the third wish yielded him a bride, but he regrets wasting his first two wishes on a working Batmobile and a pristine copy of Action Comics #1 - which he foolishly had Dean Cain sign in a Starbucks. Smooth move, Ex Lax!

After a morning of heated political discussion punctuated with my undying love of Jessica Simpson’s breasts, I find it only fitting that I post something we all can agree on: Christina Aguilera and her ability to rule Planet MILF with an iron fistful of MILFy goodness. Here she is getting ready to hit the club last night with her husband Jordan Bratsquatch. I also included shots of X-tina attending the Christian Dior event in NYC over the weekend. Just to emphasize the MILFy-ness that scientists are pretty sure can cure cancer. Or, at the very least, small pox.

NOTE: Does anyone know what egregious sin did Christina Aguilera commit to get stuck with Bilbo Baggins as a mate? Did she pee on the Bible or, even worse, not do the laundry? Please, I can’t sleep at night until I know.

Christina Aguilera’s post-pregnancy mamma-jamma’s of power (above from February) are rapidly shrinking, according to The Sun:

Like countless other celebs mums, the Dirrty star has been quick to shed the pounds after giving birth. Apparently, she has been doing a spot of boxing as well as lifting weights in a bid to get into shape for her chart comeback.

Christina has also taken up swimming but not the healthy aerobic kind. It’s more like the “totally gross I can’t believe I’m out to repeat it” kind:

Her neighbours have reportedly got a little upset with Xtina and hubby, JORDAN BRATMAN, going skinny dipping at their $6 million Beverly Hills mansion because they’re TOO noisy.
One told a US magazine: “They don’t just splash around – they laugh, scream, swear and make sexy noises.”

In the future, scientists will discover this post and point to the above paragraph as the evidence that finally convinced society as whole that God does not exist. Though a small band of rebels will claim that the Lord favors Sasquatch race. They will secretly meet every third Sunday to bounce around a strippers giant breasts before eating beef jerky out of a cooler. Hey - I want in! I’m religious and shit.

NOTE: Photos below link to previous post full of a super lactating Christina Aguilera - at Best Buy! Holy crap they sell stuff there!

Christina Aguilera and her husband Jordan Bratman spent a quiet evening together shopping at Babies R Us last night. Judging by their outfits, they headed home for a night of some kinky role-playing. Christina is, obviously, a 1930’s paperboy who took too much estrogen. While Jordan is, I’m guessing, Frank Zappa’s mutant love child - who he fathered with a three-toed sloth named Cocoa. Married people are weird.

Christina Aguilera and her husband Jordan Bratman, King of the Mole People, had a romantic Valentine’s dinner last night at Giorgio Baldi. I’m still baffled these two reproduced. But I think I’ve got this one figured out. Originally, I believed Jordan Bratman shot $100 bills out of his penis. It was probably the most scientific explanation I could come up with. After seeing this photo, I discovered a shocking revelation. That’s not Christina Aguilera. That’s a blow-up doll, my friends. The open red lipstick mouth. Total lack of expression. Inexplicable physical contact with Jordan Bratman. My God, the answer was staring us right in the face. Clever ruse, Bratman, but you’ve been exposed. Forage all the cheese and apple cores you need then retreat back below the Earth’s surface from whence you came.

Christina Aguilera gave birth to a singular baby today, according to E! Online:

The couple announced the birth in a quick text message to friends and family around 4 p.m.: “Baby has arrived. Mom and dad are doing well!”
There were no further details immediately available.

TMZ is saying it’s a boy. My sources say it’s a Yeti. I trust my peeps on this one. And by peeps I mean all the beers I just drank.

Christina Aguilera gave birth to a singular baby today, according to E! Online:

The couple announced the birth in a quick text message to friends and family around 4 p.m.: “Baby has arrived. Mom and dad are doing well!”
There were no further details immediately available.

TMZ is saying it’s a boy. My sources say it’s a Yeti. I trust my peeps on this one. And by peeps I mean all the beers I just drank.

UPDATE: People reports Christina Aguilera’s baby boy Max Liron Bratman was actually born late Saturday night and not Friday. Coincidentally, the baby shares the same name as a brand of feminine pads for Amazon warriors. Max Liron: Now with more bronze!

Christina Aguilera graces the cover of the latest issue of Marie Claire magazine in nothing but a leather jacket. Awesome, right? I mean, if you ignore the growing child in her Photoshopped belly. Christina talked to the magazine about her magical journey carrying Sasquatch’s child:

On trying to conceive with Jordan Bratman:
“We were planning on starting to try after the [Nov. 2006-May 2007 Back to Basics] tour. And so, I had gone off the Pill to prepare my body, because I didn’t know how much time it would take. You’ve heard it takes some time – except with Power Egg and Super Sperm here.”

On secretly wearing a heart monitor during her concerts:
“I didn’t want to make the audience uncomfortable, like, ‘Pregnant lady onstage! Is she going to be okay?’ But I had to announce it to my band and my dancers, because I wanted to make sure they had my back.”

On Paris Hilton letting the cat out of the bag:
“Because I hadn’t said anything, people thought I was trying to keep it this big, bad secret, and that’s not the case at all. I just wasn’t commenting. I’m not being like, ‘Hey, everybody, I’m pregnant!’ I’m not that girl.”

For all you female readers, I hope you’re empowered by this tale of pregnant stuff and clandestine heart monitors. In the meantime, I can’t stop thinking about Christina Aguilera referring to Jordan Bratman as “Super Sperm.” If you’ll excuse me, I’m going to remedy this situation by stepping outside and putting my face in front of a moving vehicle. Hopefully, the driver isn’t stricken by my natural beauty and doesn’t swerve into a building taking his/her own life instead. I swear it happens every goddamn time I leave the house.

Christina Aguilera finally confirmed her pregnancy in the latest issue of Glamour. She will “enter into mommyhood” next year, according to People:

“I want to get it right,” she is quoted as saying.
Describing the reaction of the father-to-be – Aguilera’s husband, music executive Jordan Bratman, 30 – she says, “He’s thrilled! He’s just great.”
Aguilera also says she finds Bratman (who, like her, hails from New York) “so supportive and amazing through everything. He came with me on the last leg of the tour and he was my support system. … I gush. I’m a lucky girl.”

I would’ve never guessed. For a while there I could only come up with one explanation why Christina Aguilera kept getting larger and shopping at baby boutique stores. I’m embarrassed to say it, but I thought she was eating babies. Hence the extra weight. The boutique items she purchased were, of course, part of an elaborate trap to lure the little ones in. I just assumed she learned that from her husband who employed similar techniques during his time roaming the Pacific Northwest. Man, I was way off. She’s just pregnant – with that dude’s child. On second thought I like my theory better. Less gross.

Christina Aguilera has yet to publicly confirm her pregnancy. Of course, she doesn’t really need to when she’s constantly photographed with an increasingly large belly, and, oh yeah, shopping for cribs. All that aside, seriously, what is the deal with her husband Jordan Bratman? I don’t get the point of this guy. It’s like she brings him along just to help her into the car. I bet afterwards she makes him ride in the trunk. Because what could these two possibly talk about? She’s a high-powered musical talent and he can probably recite the entire Lord of the Rings trilogy - in Elvish.