Last night fashion designer Christian Audigier threw his daughter Crystal Rock a 16th birthday party in Hollywood that makes every single episode of My Super Sweet 16 look like it was filmed at Chuck E. Cheese. Take a look at what he sprung for:

1. Two cars delivered by Paris and Nicky Hilton. Who doesn’t love a grim look at the future?
2. T.I. Because sweet 16’s are totally gangsta, dawg.
3. The Pussycat Dolls. What’s a birthday party without strippers? Mazal tov!
4. Miley Cyrus’ boyfriend Justin Gaston. Minus the Miley, add extra gay.
5. Khloe Kardashian. So everyone felt more beautiful by comparison. Good thinking.

Jesus, with a shindig like this I’m surprised there wasn’t a secret room full of blood diamonds and baby panda skins. Her parents must hate her.

Miley Cyrus apparently got “the talk” from her dad Billy Ray seeing as she’s turning 16 soon and dating a 20-year-old model Justin Gaston who may or may not want to have sex with her. (Jury’s still out.) Billy Ray laid it all out for Miley that her career hinges on her ability to sell Hannah Montana dolls to folks in the Bible Belt, so she better fly straight. Also, he ain’t giving up his diamond ter-let. The Sun reports:

A close family friend says Billy Ray told him: “We brought Miley up with good morals and strong religion, but she’s at that age where she is bound to be experimenting and her hormones are going nuts.
“Miley’s career is just rolling along now and getting bigger and bigger. Everyone loves her and she has a shot to have a career like JULIA ROBERTS or JENNIFER ANISTON or someone like that. I told her in no uncertain terms that her career would be over if something stupid were to happen and she would no longer be a role model for young girls, something she takes very seriously.
“I think I made an impression on her; at least I hope so. I don’t want to forbid her from dating because that would just make her sneak around.”

So, basically, Billy Ray locked Miley Cyrus in a room full of “Jamie Lynn Spears shopping at Wal-Mart” pictures until she forged her own chastity belt. Now that’s just good parenting. I don’t care who you are.

These are shots of Miley Cyrus’ new boyfriend Justin Gaston drunk off his ass at a party full of topless dudes over the summer. Apparently, Billy Ray Cyrus has been under the impression Justin is a fine, upstanding young man who goes to church and doesn’t drink, so I can’t figure out what he’s more pissed about: That he was lied to. Or that he let a homosexual watch his TV. Shit, there goes his NRA membership. And right before the annual potluck, too! Sonofa…

Miley Cyrus attended the Christian Audiger show during LA Fashion Week to see her model boyfriend Justin Gaston. Whenever he walked by, photographers caught Miley seductively sticking her tongue out at him. And you know what that means. I’m pretty sure that’s not the secret Jesus “Hello” wave. (No banana.) You know Billy Ray Cyrus saw these and is in a cabin somewhere setting his mullet to “KILL.” Or at least he’s trying to but “Gotdammit! Who used all the Aqua-Net?”

Miley Cyrus and her father Billy Ray Cyrus have figured out the real money’s in focusing on Miley’s singing career and bailing on Disney. In a move that could only be cultivated in a trailer full of meth, Miley and Billy Ray are now trying to get fired from the insanely lucrative Hannah Montana show and have started showing up late, holding up production and generally pissing off the crew, according to TMZ:

Emily Osment, who plays Lilly Truscott, used to be extremely tight with Miley. Now we’re told Emily is so bitter she literally turns away from Miley after each scene. We’re told Emily’s dad got in a screaming match with Billy Ray, complaining he and Miley were unprofessional.
Sources tell us Billy Ray has told people on the set that he and Miley will do twelve more episodes and then they are out. Disney was so pissed they called his agent, railing that Billy Ray and Miley were ingrates. Disney insisted that Billy Ray and Miley not only finish the twenty-four episode season — but Disney was adding six more episodes.

Good. Real smart career move. I think I speak for everyone when I say I hope I never see this buck-toothed little trollop and her boyfriend’s package again. I mean, not that I’ve looked at it or anything. Even when I sent everybody home early and said I’d lock up for the night, I didn’t look at Justin Gaston’s package while sitting at the Geekologist’s desk. Nope, never happened. And, if you don’t believe me, feel free to check the security tapes I completely erased then ran over with my car.

These are shots of Miley Cyrus’ new devout Christian boyfriend Justin Gaston who, hey, what do you know? Happens to be an underwear model. I’m not really sure if Jesus is all about displaying the banana hammock, but I am sure I just locked down the Catholic priest demographic. Greetings, padres! Which one of you wants to bless my site traf- - Shit, they ran off. I blame Shauna Sand’s vagina.

NOTE: And, ladies, you’re welcome.