via ONTD
Justin Timberlake out danced in Beyonce last night on Saturday Night Live. That spoof was d!ck in a box, but it definitely was a bunch of d!cks in a leotard.

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Dear Ryan Seacrest,

Last night, Britney Spears and Justin Timberlake performed in LA with Madonna - but not together as you had promised. Instead, Ms. Spears stood painfully still singing “Human Nature,” while afterward, Master Timberlake appeared looking like the Artful Dodger’s gay cousin Skippy. My only response to you, Mr. Seacrest, is “What in the hell?”
Like most of the civilized world, I had hoped the former lovers would reunite on stage reminding us of sweet innocence, and that time I masturbated to my roommate’s Britney poster in college (Sorry, Kevin!). It would be a joyous celebration. Only to be interrupted by Madonna devouring their souls and proclaiming herself “Justney Spearserlake.” “Justney” would then spend the remainder of the evening eating puppies and small children in the downtown area to the beat of “Lucky Star.” In hindsight, perhaps my expectations were too high, but then again, I’m a music lover.
As a man of honor, I cannot let this travesty go unanswered. Therefore, I’ve retaliated in a way that will haunt even the darkest of your dreams, Mr. Seacrest:
I canceled your 10:15 tanning appointment - and seaweed wrap.

May God have mercy on us all,

The Superficial Writer

Last night Madonna played Dodgers Stadium and she invited some old friends to join her on stage. Britney Spears joined her for Human Nature and let us know Its Britney B!tch. Justin Timberlake joined her for their hit song 4 Minutes. The crowd seemed happy to see both show up even though the 7:30p show didn’t start until 10p. I don’t know about you, but that would piss me off.
Too bad Madonna couldn’t get Britney and Justin to reunite, now that would have been hot. BTW Jimmy Kimmel put it best on his show…Britney joined Madonna and Justin Timberlake at Dodgers Stadium…the two people who took her virginity.

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Britney Spears and Justin Timberlake are supposedly performing tonight in Madonna’s Sticky & Sweet Tour at Dodger’s Stadium, according to Ryan Seacrest (via Us Magazine):

“They are going to be onstage performing with Madonna,” Seacrest said on KIIS-FM host DJ BoyToy Jesse’s Wednesday-afternoon show.
The exes have both collaborated individually with Madonna.
Added Seacrest, “If Justin and Britney end up on that stage with her … I don’t know if I’ve ever seen anything quite like that before.”

You’re right, Ryan Seacrest. That’d be like Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez starring in a movie together - about a dancing corpse. Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston presenting an Academy Award together - to a dancing corpse. Nick Lachey and Jessica Simpson singing a song together - with a - I think you get the picture: Which is let’s bury Madonna. I mean, seriously, how long could she haunt my dreams afterward? Like a week? Two weeks? What if I drank my weight in NyQuil before bed?

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Lynne Spears tell-all book Through the Storm: A Real Story of Fame and Family in a Tabloid World is remarkably jam-packed with action for an evangelical book about parenting. Lynne reveals Britney started knocking back booze at 13 and, with her mom’s help, tricked Justin Timberlake into thinking she was a virgin when really Britney nailed a football player at 14. The best part is: Justin fell for it! Oh, man, these Disney kids are dumb. Although, that could just be the drink. NY Daily News has the details:

Alcohol!:
The pop icon took a liking to booze when she was a 13-year-old Mouseketeer and began experimenting with drugs at 15.

Drugs!
By age 16, Britney’s wild-child behavior stunned her family when she was caught with cocaine and marijuana on a private jet, Lynn Spears claims.

SEX!
She admits she allowed her then 16-year-old daughter to sleep with Timberlake, her Mickey Mouse Club co-star, and went along with the hoax that Britney was a virgin. Lynne Spears reveals Timberlake was misled and that Britney lost her virginity to a Kentwood, La., high school football player.

I’m starting to think the title of the book should’ve been Through the Storm - of Shit that I Created Because I Have the Parenting Skills of a Lawnmower. I mean, Christ, what was the point of this thing? Other than to surprise us all that Britney hasn’t stripped naked and hijacked a school bus yet. That was the point? Well then, MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.

Justin Timberlake will be reuniting with Britney Spears for - Jesus! Someone took their happy pills this morning - for a duet on her new album, Page Six reports:

Spies said Spears will team up with her ex-love for a song on her next album due at the end of the year. The two were supposed to team up for her last album, but Spears - under the influence of friends including Osama Lutfi and Adnan Ghalib - missed her recording session with Timbaland at the legendary producer’s Virginia Beach studio last August.

I seriously don’t get why Justin Timberlake would agree to work with Britney Spears. I mean, it’s not like his career is hurting and, say what you will, the dude’s a talented performer. While, on the other hand, you have Britney whose once tried to eat a grand piano before someone told her it wasn’t a giant steak.

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"What is amazing about the speedo is that they have to do a lot of special effects to reduce the size," he joked. "Oh, yeah … you heard it here first, folks!"

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Justin Timberlake is reportedly getting ready to propose to his girlfriend Jessica Biel. You may remember her from that time you saw her ass, fainted head first into the copy machine and crapped yourself. Because, yeah, that so happened to you and not me. I don’t even know what a copy machine is. The Sun reports:

One source said Jessica has not been drinking recently, sparking pregnancy rumours. They added: “Justin is 27 and thinking about marriage and kids.
“For the first time in his life he is feeling settled and has definitely decided to pop the question to Jessica. He is so happy with her. They spent quite a bit of time apart recently when Justin was working with MADONNA. That made him certain Jessica was the person he wanted to spend the rest of his life with.”

Justin wants the wedding to be held on the West Indian island of Mustique because not only is the place pimp as shit, but it’s private property so he can keep the press out. Not while I have my fake alligator suit, sucker!:

His friend added: “Although Justin has lived his whole life in the public eye, he feels his wedding is the one day that should remain private. To get all his close friends and family to Mustique will cost a fortune. But he can’t put a price on how he feels about Jessica. Then there are the rumours about a baby being on the way.”

I love how anytime a celeb is getting married it’s immediately assumed it’s a shotgun wedding. Even though that’s the case 99.5% of the time. (Tell ‘em, Pete Wentz.) I mean, whatever happened to good old-fashioned gold-digging? Sometimes you just want to marry a person to take all their money. C’mon, that’s romantic. Now, if you’ll excuse me I need to put on my cut-off jeans and clean the pool. My wife gets super-pissed if I’m not out there while she’s playing shuffleboard. Otherwise, it’s the doghouse for me. But, no, seriously, the old nut thinks I’m a Pomeranian. Help.

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Madonna unveiled this latest video yesterday for her new single “4 Minutes” featuring the lumber-based artistry of Justin Timberlake and Timberland. Justin provides the chorus that informs us that “We only got four minutes to save the world.” Which apparently can only be accomplished by dancing through the cosmetics aisle at Target. Huh, all this time I was getting down in Lawn & Garden with that freaky gnome and his prying eyes. Knock it off, Tom Cruise, or I’ll say your name backwards. Yeah, that’s what I thought.

NOTE: Madonna’s penis at the 2:50 mark. You’d think they would’ve edited that out while airbrushing the biceps of Thor.

Thanks to Lee and the crew at World Star Hip-Hop. You guys are tight like Prom night.

Cameron Diaz is enjoying the single life and isn’t sulking over the loss of Justin Timberlake. In fact, she’s all about the dudes and basically admits to Us Magazine that’s she a barrel of insane to date:

“I like boys — a lot. I’m boy crazy. That hasn’t changed since I was very young.”
But even Diaz knows she’s not the easiest partner to date.
“I’m a lot of woman — in a lot of ways,” she says. “And I understand that can be intimidating.”

I think what Cameron Diaz meant to say is she has a whole lot of women in her mouth. And there’s plenty of room for more! Call now. This is not a time share. Operators are standing by.

Britney Spears is trapped inside her mansion these days, so she spends most of her time trying on outfits in her room. While few will argue this extreme vagina lockdown is for the greater good, Britney is obviously bored out of her mind. She’s been having lots of friends over who couldn’t wait to share the details with OK! Magazine including Britney’s personal museum for her ex-lover:

An even bigger surprise inside the house — a shrine to ex boyfriend, Justin Timberlake!
Sources tell OK! that few people have seen Brit’s collection of private mementos from her years with the pop superstar. “She’s obsessed with him,” the source reveals. “She has pictures of them together and has devoted a private area just to celebrate him.”

I guess you do form a special bond to the person you lose your virginity to. Which is why I have my own private shrine to honor Mary the Escaped Mental Patient. I’ll never forget that fateful day (last week) when she ran into my yard wearing nothing but a trash bag and construction worker’s helmet. *sigh* It was pure magic. Until she left me for the neighbor’s dog. I know where you sleep, Mr. Barksington!

Justin Timberlake took a pot-shot at Britney Spears last night while inducting Madonna into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. Us Magazine reports:

Timberlake punctuated his remarks with, “The world has always been full of Madonna wannabes and I might have even dated a couple.”

Justin Timberlake, we’re not so different, you and I. We both like to have sex with Jessica Biel and enjoy a good Britney Spears joke. Listen, I know I’ll get the short end of the stick on this deal, but if you want to make fun of Britney some more, why don’t you do my job for a day? As for me, I dunno, I guess I could have sex with Jessica Biel for a day. It’ll be tough, but, I respect you as an artist so I’m willing to make the sacrifice. I’m like a beacon of the human spirit and generosity and stuff. But, really, how soon could you get her here?

Kate Hudson and Owen Wilson are supposedly rekindling their relationship. This can not end well. Too soon? Nah, just right. Here’s what Us Weekly has to say:

Now that Wilson, 39, is healthy again – he presented an award at Sunday’s Academy Awards – he and Hudson may be rebuilding their romance, Us Weekly reports.
“They are hooking up,” a Wilson insider told Us. Confirms a Hudson source, “They have definitely been talking, hanging out and, yes, hooking up.”

However, just last week I posted that Kate and Justin Timberlake were getting no-pants friendly which Us Weekly also mentions in their article. So, I guess I can just start writing daily posts with the generic headline “Kate Hudson bangs someone new.” Chances are it’ll be true. And at the rate she’s going, Kate Hudson will be doing chicks by spring. Then it will be my sacred journalistic duty to find every single pic of those hookups. I can almost taste that Pulitzer. No, wait, it’s the breakfast burrito I just ate. Extra onions was a bad choice. Hey, Frank the intern, come over and smell my breath. *breathes* Ha ha! Frank? Frank, wake up. Not again- Medic!

While Jessica Biel is in London filming her new movie, Justin Timberlake is supposedly keeping busy with Kate Hudson. In defiance of all logic, the two have been spotted together recently and it’s been more than friendly. Life & Style reports:

Justin was spotted in early February having lunch at a Whole Foods Market in NYC with Kate Hudson. And on Jan. 11, Justin and Kate were seen at the new club Villa in Hollywood and reports circulated that they kissed.

There’s no way this can be true. Justin Timberlake wouldn’t just wake up one morning and decide he hates having sex with Jessica Biel which is scientifically impossible. That’s like getting into Heaven and saying “Eh. It’s alright, I guess. Do you mind if I just slam my penis in the Pearly Gates instead?” Because that’s what I imagine sex with Kate Hudson is like. And also Matthew McConaughey is in the background bench-pressing a walrus. I should really see a therapist.