Just like her best friend Madonna, Gwyneth Paltrow might be ditching her British husband Coldplay singer Chris Martin. Instead of seeing him perform this weekend, Gwyneth opted to attend the opening of Fountainebleu in Miami at the personal invitation of the owner Jeff Soffer. Page Six reports:

Paltrow and Soffer - a billionaire bachelor who’s regarded as Miami royalty - have become very good friends recently, insiders added.
Adding to speculation, Paltrow didn’t stay at the hotel with other guests, opting to “stay at a friend’s house instead for more privacy,” a source reports. While attending the Victoria’s Secret party and show, she “remained closed off in a private section and hung out with Soffer and Madonna paramour Alex Rodriguez.”
On Friday, Soffer gave Paltrow a private tour of the hotel and then whisked her away in his Bentley. Saturday, she joined him on his yacht with her pal Kate Hudson.
Adding fuel to the fire was the way Paltrow looked in Miami. “She was very, very thin,” a witness noted. “She looked stressed out. And she certainly didn’t act like a happily married woman.”

So I’m guessing it’s safe to assume this Jeff Soffer character had a wild threesome with Gwyneth Paltrow and Kate Hudson on a pile of diamonds in international waters. Pfft. Who hasn’t? Get back to me when you do something original, Jeff.

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Kate Hudson in “There was an Open Bar at Stella McCartney’s Gala”:

“Hey. Hey. Everybody. Listen. Seriously, listen. Lance Armstrong has one testicle. And, I’m not gonna lie, I saw it. I looked at it and I said, I said ‘Hey. Hey, you. Testicle. Why is there just one of you?’ True story I’m going to puke in the revolving door. HWACK! Hey, I’m stuck in here! HWACK! And I think somebody threw up. Eh, fuck it, I’m crashing Zzzz…”

Kate Hudson and celebrity stylist David Babaii are being sued for allegedly stealing an idea to make hair products using volcanic ash. Dammit, ash? I thought they were sticking people’s heads in volcanoes. I hate this story. Reuters reports:

In the lawsuit, which was filed on Friday in Los Angeles Superior Court, 220 Laboratories said it entered into an “oral contract” with Babaii to develop and manufacture hair care products in 2006. The idea for the product was to use volcanic ash from the Vanuatu Islands of the South Pacific.
But Babaii went on to use a company called Universal Packaging Systems Inc to develop the products — using the volcanic ash component. Hudson promoted the product in a 2007 interview with Vogue magazine and said she was one of the developers, the lawsuit states.

Someone needs to tell Kate Hudson that wearing a lab coat and accidentally knocking things into a bowl with a clipboard while asking “Breasts aren’t important, right?” does not make her a developer. Neither does using a Bunsen burner to light your cigarette and sticking a rubber glove over your entire face like that old Howie Mandel gag. But good effort.

These are shots of Kate Hudson in the latest issue of W, and what the Baby Jesus is going on here? It looks like Kate’s supposed to be Robocop’s wife whose had some sort of sexual awakening and now likes chicks. Except later she’s murdered in an Olive Garden kitchen next to the sauce pans; I don’t even know. I’m pretty sure fashion photographers are just making shit up because, honestly, whose going to call them on it?: “Hey, uh, lay here next to the ravioli. Then kind of pretend you’re an ostrich whose father was never around. Perfect. Done. Easiest hundred grand ever. Now, let’s get mochacinnos!”

Kate Hudson and Lance Armstrong’s relationship might have just ended, but that doesn’t mean she can’t immediately screw her ex-husband. Kate was spotted yesterday in New Jersey at Chris Robinson’s apartment presumably to make sure she got her daily dose of doing it. I think I’m starting to love this woman. OK! Magazine reports:

“They were really affectionate with each other and gave each other a kiss which lasted much longer then a platonic kiss should last — 20 seconds, maybe a little longer.
“Without going into all the details the kiss was more than just friends. They seemed like something more going on and were very affectionate with each other.”
A pal of Kate’s tells OK!, “She and Chris have always been close and she turns to her exes after most of her breakups.”

I bet Chris Robinson religiously follow Kate’s love life in the tabloids: “Oh, snap, she just got dumped again! Time to break out the Marvin Gaye and penis wax. Chris Robinson’s getting laaaaaaaaaaiiiid!” Somewhere, Chris just read this and wonders if I’ve bugged his house because, holy shit, was that quote accurate.

Bad news everybody: Kate Hudson and Lance Armstrong have broken up. Who saw that coming? Besides Kate Hudson and her unwavering love of new penis. It turns out the two couldn’t stop arguing and finally decided to throw in the towel, according to Page Six:

Hudson made a last-ditch effort last week, traveling to see her beau in Ohio for his Livestrong Summit, but “they both decided it wasn’t feasible,” a friend said. Another spy said the couple had a big blowout a week ago and Armstrong stormed off - “They didn’t talk for like five days.”

It must be hard to have an argument with a guy who rides his bicycle in the kitchen while eating breakfast. Sure, you can yell all you want about him taking “that thing everywhere” including the bathroom, but he’s just gonna pop a wheelie in your face then go back to his Wheaties. Some might say I’m perpetuating a horrible stereotype that all cyclists are dicks, but until I see concrete data that suggests otherwise, I’m still throwing stray cats at them from my car window: “Quit blocking the lane! Aim true, Fluffy.” REOWW!

Kate Hudson and Lance Armstrong had dinner yesterday with Kate’s mom Goldie Hawn which must’ve made Owen Wilson all kinds of jealous. He never got to meet Goldie! This blows. Why is everyone always walking out on him? Fortunately, there’s always good, old reliable heroi- Hey! Mr. Syringe, why’re you putting on your top hat and monocle? “Sorry, Owen, but I think we should see other people.” Awwwww.

Kate Hudson and Lance Armstrong were caught leaving his Manhattan apartment yesterday. I think the look on Kate’s face says it all: “Could’ve used more testicle.”

Kate Hudson and Lance Armstrong are taking their relationship public and were spotted in Monaco enjoying a day of aquatic romance. I like to believe that after their boat ride, Lance put his arm around Kate and softly whispered in her ear, “Kate, when we have sex later, I should probably warn you I’m missing a nut. End transmission.” *sniff* He’s a keeper.

Kate Hudson is wasting no time getting over Owen Wilson and has moved on to champion cyclist Lance Armstrong. I guess the only way for me to touch that butt is to stop using training wheels. But what if I get an ouchie?! Us Magazine reports:

The new couple went on a cozy dinner date at Chuy’s Hula Hut in Austin, Texas, according to a source. On Saturday night, the pair joined a group of six, including two women and four children.
“They seemed like they were having a great time,” a fellow diner tells Usmagazine.com.

While this news proves that Kate Hudson has a healthy love of the penis (Say, has she met John Mayer?), it is admittedly kind of dull. So, I added some bikini pics of Kate from an old post to spice things up. I swear, you guys must read this site and think you’re on C-SPAN - but with more journalistic integrity than you can shake a boob at.

Kate Hudson and Owen Wilson have officially broken up - again. Oh no. This can’t end well. Especially when one of Owen’s pals makes the following comment to People:

“It was a pretty bad breakup,” says a Wilson pal. “Owen said it was a tough one. He definitely doesn’t want to dwell on it. He wants to put it behind him.”

Yikes! Somebody hide the heroin. But, in all seriousness, I can’t even get myself worked up over these two. Not when freaking Lana left Clark last night on Smallville. I’m still crying! I mean, damn, is there hope for anybody in this topsy-turvy world! *kicks down cubicle* WHAT IS THERE TO LIVE FOR?!? I CAN’T– Ooh, mini-eclairs! Nice. Say, can we get a janitor to clean this mess up? I, uh, saw a pack of Shriners plow through here on their karts. Yeah, Shriners…

"He was pretty chummy with the ladies … he was certainly doing some sweet talking," according to an onlooker. "He looked happy to be there hanging with them." The late-night outing was followed by a visit to Butter the next night, where he chatted up a sexy blonde. Says a Hudson source: "She feels dumb thinking it was so serious." 

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Owen Wilson, no doubt riding the dragon again, allegedly proposed to Kate Hudson who, uh, wow seems to be wearing my grandmother’s curtains. I have no freaking clue what’s going on there except Kate better steer clear of any cats and/or open flames. The Sun reports:

“Kate supported Owen during his low patch and that proved to him she’s the woman he wants to be with for ever. He picked out the ring and went for the biggest one he could find. He was nervous about proposing but Kate was thrilled and the whole thing was really emotional. The engagement is a natural step forward for them both and Kate’s ecstatic.”

However, Us Magazine claims to have exclusive confirmation from Kate and Owen’s rep that they are not engaged:

She’s definitely not engaged,” a rep for Hudson tells Usmagazine.com. A rep for Wilson, 39, also confirms the rumors are wrong.
The reason for the false uproar? Hudson, 29, was spotted wearing a diamond ring in Boston.
“She’s shooting a movie called Bride Wars, which explains the ring,” adds her rep.

So who do you believe? On the one hand, you have The Sun which is, well, The Sun. On the other you have Us Magazine which thinks The Hills is real. Who do you trust? It’s like choosing between your retarded cousin that likes Nickelback or a ham sandwich. But only one can pass the mustard. Ha! Get it? Sandwich? Mustard? It’s almost like pure comedy flows through my vein- Ack! Jimmy Fallon’s trying to harvest my funny! Quick, someone get him to say his name backwards!

These are shots of Kate Hudson wearing a super short mini-skirt yesterday on the set of her new film Bride Wars. Just in case you forgot how awesome her ass is. Eh? Who loves you? Anyway, had I known Kate was strutting around the streets in this get-up, I would’ve cruised around in my wicked ride. Yup, had she seen my 1995 multi-colored Neon with a twenty-foot spoiler and one of those loud-as-fuck mufflers, I guarantee that mini-skirt would’ve come off faster than Calvin can pee on a Ford symbol. I guess what I’m trying to say is, I understand women.

Owen Wilson is apparently tired of Kate Hudson’s heavenly ass and is moving on to Jennifer Aniston. The two are currently filming Marley & Me in Miami and their on-screen romance is moving off-screen, according to Star: Or at least easily rumored to be thanks to tons of pictures of them, oh, I dunno, playing husband and wife:

“The hugging didn’t end when the cameras stopped rolling,” one crew member tells Star. “They were very flirty together, far more than you would expect. In between takes they were hanging onto each other. They are very friendly.”

It looks like Owen Wilson is picking up Brad Pitt’s leftovers. In the future, look for Owen to be romantically linked to Gwyneth Paltrow, Angelina Jolie and finally George Clooney. What? You know it happened. Or was that a dream I had which I vowed never to tell anyone… Ah, shit.

Kate Hudson’s recent trip to Miami is reportedly all about spending time with Owen Wilson. Owen’s in town filming Marley & Me with Jennifer Aniston. Kate just happened to have some free time to jet down to Florida to rekindle their romance and become the subject of intense pregnancy rumors until she shut everyone up by wearing a bikini. If only more women would solve their problems with such bravery and bikini-ness. (Katie Price lingerie models excluded.) NY Daily News has the details:

Although they successfully avoided the paparazzi, a pal tells us they enjoyed alone time at night at Wilson’s Star Island bachelor pad. “They rekindled things over Oscar weekend at Madonna’s big bash, and their schedules happened to sync perfectly for a Miami trip,” the friend tells us.

I know a lot of you are probably bitching, “So what?” Everyone knows her and Owen are getting back together and I shouldn’t even make a post about them. May I direct your attention to the butt? I rest my case. This court finds The Superficial Writer not-guilty on charges of “non-news” and deems him more manly than a lumberjack driving a tank. Case dismissed! Holy crap, my words just owned you. Now, seriously, look at that toosh and try not to send Owen Wilson a free bag of heroin. It’s impossible. Now, which is faster: FedEx or UPS?

Kate Hudson is officially not pregnant. I’m sure you’ve been sitting at your desk with bated breath waiting for some sort of confirmation. Me too. Anyway, these pics were taken today and there’s no baby in that belly. (TMZ has a shot minus the skirt thingy.) Kate’s brother Oliver also denied the rumors that she’s possibly carrying her ex-husband Chris Robinson’s and/or Owen Wilson’s baby. Extra reports:

Kate’s brother Oliver caught up with “Extra” at the World Poker Tour International and revealed that the rumors simply aren’t true, insisting there’s no baby on the way.
“I will squash that right now,” he told “Extra.” “She is absolutely 100% not pregnant.”

So, I don’t know what the hell kind of camera angle went on last night to produce the shots for today’s earlier post where Kate looked totally pregorama. If I was out scoring these pics, you’d be staring at one of those state-of-the-art 3-D ultrasounds. You know the ones that make you say “That’s not mine! It’s a goddamn alien!” But no one believes you and you’re still stuck paying child support. I mean, seriously, how did that not work? That plan had everything.

Kate Hudson is officially not pregnant. I’m sure you’ve been sitting at your desk with bated breath waiting for some sort of confirmation. Me too. Anyway, these pics were taken today and there’s no baby in that belly. Kate’s brother Oliver also denied the rumors that she’s possibly carrying her ex-husband Chris Robinson’s and/or Owen Wilson’s baby. Extra reports:

Kate’s brother Oliver caught up with “Extra” at the World Poker Tour International and revealed that the rumors simply aren’t true, insisting there’s no baby on the way.
“I will squash that right now,” he told “Extra.” “She is absolutely 100% not pregnant.”

So, I don’t know what the hell kind of camera angle went on last night to produce the shots for today’s earlier post where Kate looked totally pregorama. If I was out scoring these pics, you’d be staring at one of those state-of-the-art 3-D ultrasounds. You know the ones that make you say “That’s not mine! It’s a goddamn alien!” But no one believes you and you’re still stuck paying child support. I mean, seriously, how did that not work? That plan had everything.

It seems I’m staring at lot of celebrity pouches these days to determine if a baby is, medically speaking, up in that ass. In Kate Hudson’s case it’s looking pretty conclusive that she is, indeed, with child. These pictures were taken last night in Miami and, I dunno, it’s kind of hard to refute the babyness. However, on Saturday, she’s not looking so knocked up while riding a bike in a bikini with a conveniently placed t-shirt. Who knows? Which is coincidentally the answer Kate will give when asked who the father is. That being said, she was dating Heath Ledger so maybe he’s living on in some way. You know, as a bastard child who will inevitably see Owen Wilson’s penis. Ah, the circle of life. Quick, somebody fetch me a lion cub to hold in the air. I promise not to throw it at the UPS guy this time.